STORY INFORMATION:
 

Title: White Lies

Author(s): Nubic4
 

Main Character(s): Son Nauen, Luhan & Kim Jongdae
 

Status: Chaptered, Ongoing
 

Genre: Slice of Life
 

Description/Summary: Luhan has broken Son Naeun's heart. While Luhan and Naeun face reality, a new person comes into the picture: Kim Jongdae. The five people whose lives are all intertwined, come together for a summer getaway. Hearts are broken, promises are made, and white lies are spoken.

Reviewed by: CheyoCat

Date finished: 31 July 2015

Title:

 

I have mixed feelings about your title. It’s short and sweet, which I like. And it also gives me a vague idea on what’s going to go down in the story.

 

I’ve read all the chapters that you posted and the title is pretty relevant in regard to Hannah’s sudden personality change.

 

I like the title, so good job!

 

Appearance (Graphic/Poster):

 

I like the whole concept of the Polaroid pictures with the eyes censored out by the paint and text. I’m not a big fan of the beach background, or the colour of the title. I don’t think the background doesn’t really fit with the genre – although the story is about summer break or whatnot, it doesn’t really do it for me.

 

As for the title, the brown isn’t really complimenting anything and my eyes were drawn to the sentence underneath the title, rather than the title itself.

 

I saw your previous poster and I think it does a lot more justice for the story than your current one.

 

Foreword/Description:

 

Okay I have to admit when I read that one part where it said ‘That was until she came into my life’ I thought the main character was a lesbian. But as I read on, It made more sense.

 

The description is nice but I think you gave a bit too much away when you said ‘But, no matter what I did, neither of those whom I loved would come back to me.’ Because that states that she’s still going to be alone in the end (at least that’s what I make out of it).

 

Okay, next point! You have those little character chart thingies and I thought those were pretty neat! I really like this Polaroid theme you got going on.

 

BUT (there is always a but) your character names don’t match up in the story to when you introduce them.

 

Your character chart says ‘Son Naeun’ but in the story she’s ‘Hannah’? There is no specification of this in the forward and it does get really confusing when I read the story but I will explain that further in characterization.

 

Characterization:

I’m sorry, but I’m honestly so lost. Like there’s so much happening and like who is who? I really don’t know? Your poster has Naeun, Luhan, and Kris etc. But then, /who/ is Hannah? /Who/ is Mina I, am so confused. Can I just – /Who/ is Aaron? Like, your story title says Luhan is in it, but where /is/ Luhan?

 

At the end of Chapter 1 you were like “Oh yeah, I also changed Chen’s age in this story…” BUT WHO IS CHEN???????????? WHO??/? I REALLY DON’T KNOW. IS IT CHEN???///??? (Sorry for the caps)

 

Kris Lee? Is he Kris? And if so, why not just leave it as Kris Wu. I know he has the whole Kevin lee thing, but I didn’t get the change of name tbh.

 

Note: Okay at the end of chapter two I found out that Aaron was Luhan and that Hannah was Naeun.

 

If I could make a suggestion – you should say in the forward about which character is which idol, /especially/ if you’re going to change their names in the story. Because like I said already, I was so lost

 

For readers that haven’t read the story before this spin off, it can be really confusing on trying to work out who is who so yeah, please keep that in mind.

 

Okidokey, onto the next part!

What do the characters look like? I’m an EXO fan so I can imagine them well, but what does Hannah look like? What do they all look like? Maybe describe what they are wearing? What’s Hannah’s hair length? What colour is her hair, her eyes? You do see the point I’m trying to make, right?

 

Moving on!

 

Personality is what shapes a character right? But I don’t see any real development of character – even with Hannah. Sure, her breakup with Aaron broke her heart and made her see the bad in people. But how hard did she take the break up? Recounting events such as these will back up your story and why she chose to change her attitude. Because the personality change kind of came out of nowhere.

 

 

Also, what is Aaron’s personality? What /made/ Hannah fall in love with him? She loved him for 3 years right? He must’ve been pretty amazing for her to fall for him that hard yno?

 

I get the basic Idea of Kris’ personality, but like I said, explaining events would make your story stronger.

 

Grammar and Spelling:

 

There were some errors that I have found that I thought I would correct. I know these mistakes were not intentional but I thought that I should point them out because I know I am the type of person to be put off by bad grammar and there are a lot of readers who do the same. Here are some examples that will hopefully help you understand what I mean;

 

“How was she better than me?”

“What made her better than m