Title: Forever

Author: yoonminfly

Main Characters: Rap Monster & Jin (BTS)

Genre: Romance and slight angst.

Summary/Description: Seokjin forgets but Namjoon is always there to remind him. Their love is envied by fate.  Seokjin wants to leave but Namjoon is always there to hold him tight. They might not be meant to be with each other; Namjoon wants to prove destiny is wrong. Although it costs his life.

Reviewed by: Kalione

 

 

Title

I have mixed feelings towards this title. In one hand, I feel that is too corny and it wouldn’t get my attention. On another side it does compliment well with your story and summary. I got a second opinion and the person really liked the title, I guess it’s just a question of personal taste.

 

 

 

 

Appearance (Graphic/Poster)

I really love your poster! Taking into account that this is supposed to be an angst story the mood is correct and so are the colors. We are two bodies, but our hearts beat as one made me intrigued to read your work. You already got me! 

 

 

 

 

Description/Foreword

Description: Over all, your description is not bad. I really like the way you say only the necessary stuff without revealing the entire plot.

 However there were two sentences that I felt that were too cheesy and unnecessary: Their love is envied by fate; and Although it costs his life.Instead I would do like this:

 

Seokjin forgets but Namjoon is always there to remind him.

Their love is envied by fate. 

Seokjin wants to leave but Namjoon is always there to hold him tight.

They might not be meant to be with each other

But Namjoon wants to prove destiny is wrong,

Although it costs his life. Even if it means putting his life on the line…

 

Foreword: Your description already is enough to put someone interested so there is no need to make a proper foreword. Yet, I have to commend you for the gif of the dandelion. Does this flower have a symbolic value for your story? If it has it would be certainly interesting.

 

 

 

 

Grammar and Spelling

Grammar and spelling will always affect the flow of a story, unfortunately as English is not my first language I can only point what is obvious to me:

There were some sentences that were unnecessary.

 

Sunlight refracted from the dusty window and was seeping into Seokjin’s dreamland, waking up the man.

 

Instead,

Sunlight refracted from the dusty window and was seeping into Seokjin’s dreamland, waking up the man.

 

Sometimes, you forget the verbs and even have trouble conjugating them in the correct tense:

 

The message always the same every day and never change. Seokjin sure the words were engraved in his head now.

The message was always the same every day and never changed. Seokjin was sure the words were engraved in his head now.

 

You have to be careful with the punctuation since it influences the flow of the story. Also there were some grammar mistakes:

Seokjin took the paper and crumpled it before throwing the trash away. Although Nevertheless, he still reached for the pink toothbrush, convincing himself that he did it just because it was his favourite colour favorite color is pink.

These are the three most concerning problems you are facing in grammar and spelling. I suggest asking someone to be your beta reader; it would be a benefit for you and your story.

 

 

 

 

Plot, originality and flow

Wow. I don’t know where to start. Your plot is far from being considered an original storyline; however is the way you write that made me completely fall in love with this story! I feel that you’re genuine and it’s as if you are really trying to convey to reader what your characters are thinking and feeling.

The first chapter made me smile! It was so funny and at the same time sweet the way Seokjin kept finding the post-its! I kept thinking how I wished a guy did something like that for me. Despite some grammar and spelling errors, first chapter is the bomb and you really did a great work in introducing the characters!

However, I felt that starting from the second chapter everything derailed. You even said in the author notes that the story was getting out of your hand and I’m afraid I have to agree with you.

 The pacing was not that quick however; I wish that you could have taken your time developing the characters and the setting itself. Also, I felt a bit confused since in the first chapter they were introducing each other and the next one they were already setting a contract.

There were so many grammar mistakes and awkward sentences that the flow of the story was affected and even bothered me after a while. You should find a beta reader; so that he/she can help you edit your story.

For now, let’s focus on what you lacked and that is the setting: to me, as a reader it’s important to know where the main events are occurring. Is it in South Korea? Europe? America? Is it an alternative world?

You are probably frowning and thinking where the heck this is trying to get? Obviously it’s South Korea!!   Or something along this lines; but there is a reason why I’m asking this.

When you are writing a work of fiction you have to take into account that setting can influence the way a character acts. The fact that both Namjoon and Seokjin were able to adopt a child even despite being a gay couple is pretty weird for me.

 After all, South Korea is a conservative country. Gay community can be considered to live in the edge of society; Koreans put extreme importance the way their neighbors and other people think, that’s why if someone presents “deviant” behavior they are quickly marginalized from the society. There is a reason why the suicide rate in Korea is one – if not – the highest in the world.

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