S T O R Y   R E V I E W

 

TITLE: Her Notebook

AUTHOR: baekhyunee07

REVIEWER: Diviana

 

 

 

Title:  3 /5

Your title does not draw me in. Although completely relevant to your story, it is not unique. I have seen several titles with a similar theme.

 

 

 

Graphic/Poster: 5/5 

The divided effect added to word “notebook” is nice. It matches how her notebook was eventually opened. There is a interesting contrast between the white of the title and the characters and the darkness of the poster.

 

 

 

Foreword/Description: 10/15

Since you do not have a forward, this grade will only reflect your description. It is a little redundant. Since you stated that he has been in a coma for two years and that she had visited him every day, you should delete the “for two years” line after “She visited him every day. . .”. If you intended that to emphasize her devotion it should be rewrite as “She visited him every day of those two years” so that it feels less repetitive.

The last two lines of your description are also repetitive:

“He smirked and said he hated girls like her, “I hate girls like you, let’s say we have a pass together, so what? It’s the present now and I don’t want you, you are not special to me.”  

It is stated that he said that he hated girls like her and then he goes on to repeat that. It would be better to delete that line and have him simply state it. That leaves a stronger impression. In addition to that, his statements are run-on sentences but I believe that you did this to match more natural speech - even so you should use a semi-colon to connect the two independent sentences. It would be better rewrite along these lines:

He smirked, “I don’t like girls like you; let’s say we did have a past together, so what? It’s the present now and I don’t want you; you are not special to me.”

 An even better edit would be something along these lines, since seeing two you’s after another is a little jarring to the reader:

He smirked, “I don’t like girls like you; let’s say we do have a past together, so what? It’s the present now and you are not special are to me; I don’t want you.”

 

You end your description with the phrase “it’s been four months” but what has it been four months since? It feels like it is a break up or even a suicide since it is odd that someone would look into her notebook if she was still alive. You should fill in that gap in your description.I still have a pretty good sense of what the plot should be about without that.