STORY INFORMATION:

 

Title: Bounce To The World

Author: Cassieslover

Main character(s): Jung Hana (OC), EXO's Lay and EXO's Kris.

Status: Chaptered, on-going.

Genre: Romance, angst, schoolife.

Description/Summary: Hana used to be the captain of the women's basketball team of her old school. Since it was the strongest team, they would always win. Because of a secret illness, Hana had to resign from her position as captain, and she moved from Busan to Seoul, where her family lives. When she met Kris, his passionate love for basketball moved her. Hana felt as if she was captain too, leading the team, whenever she saw Kris play. However...

"It was fate." -Hana

Kris Wu was rich, arrogant, and wild. Underneath the surface, however, he was caring and completely different from his exterior. Everything was normal, including his crush on Krystal and being good friends with EXO, until Hana caught him smoking. "Pathetic," was what she had called him. Falling in love with Hana ever since he saw her play, Kris got rid of his negative feelings and wondered why Hana, who made basketball a beautiful art, refused to tryout for the basketball team.

He wanted to get to know Hana, all while saying... "Don't ever give up." -Kris

Zhang Yixing was nice and a gentleman. Hana made an impression on him the first time he saw her catch a fast ball. He found that Hana was different than other girls that he knew. He hated it when Hana cried and was hurt. He was jealous when he saw Kris and Hana arguing. He always accompanied her everywhere. But, can she notice his love?

"I've always been beside you." -Lay.

Reviewed by: CheyoCat

Date finished: 12 September 2015.

 

 

Title:

[Okay before the review begins, I’d like to apologise on how late this review is. I’ve just had my final exams and I spent like 3 weeks or something off of AFF for study and etc. To make sure that I get your review to you as soon as possible, I’m only reviewing up to chapter 5. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting for so long TT T]

Maybe this was just my E.L.F side coming out but when I read your title, I immediately made the connection to Bonamana when they’re like ‘Bounce to you’ - even though it’s not really relevant to your story or this review, that’s what crossed my mind HAHA. Let’s get onto the actual review! When capitalizing titles, there are certain letters that should remain lower case which include; a, an, the, at, by, for, in, of, on, to, up, and, as, but, or, and nor." So in the case of this title the words ‘to’ and ‘the’ shouldn’t be capitalized. So;

Original: Bounce To The World

Edited: Bounce to the World

Yeah, I know it looks a little odd but this way, it’s grammatically correct. I actually didn’t know that ‘not capitalizing’ certain words’ was a thing when I first started writing and it was something I picked up along the way. Besides that, I really like this title; it’s easy to remember and flows well. So good job on the title!

 

Appearance (Graphic/Poster):

The poster for this story is actually so nice. Everything flows together, at first I didn’t like the fact that the upper half was /really/ white but after my eyes adjusted to it I think the whole thing is really well balanced. The dual-font and the photo that was used for Kris are probably my favrourite aspect of this graphic. I read your little blurb thingo when you submitted your review and It was nice to see the basketball hoop up in the corner. But I’m not entirely sure what the paint brush behind the title makes reference to but I’m curious to find out.

Also keep in mind that I’m reviewing the title/poster/forward/description without actually /reading/ the story yet so yeah, I’m just going off what I see. All that aside, I really, really /really/ like your poster and it does give off that ‘romance’ vibe so good job on your graphic designer!

 

Foreword/Description:

The description for your story kind of gives a /lot/ away. Like Hana’s little intro thingy was alright, it didn’t give much way and I really wanted to know what this ‘secret illness’ was. But once I reached Kris’ one I was kinda put off when it was like; “Falling in love with Hana ever since he saw her play” – it just gave too much away although the romance between them was implied in the poster and stuff. Now the viewers /know/ when to expect Kris to fall for her, which makes it all too predictable.

For Kris’ little introduction I think it would just be better to write; /Edited “Kris Wu was rich, arrogant and wild. Underneath the surface, however, he was caring and completely different from his exterior. Everything was normal. This included his crush on Krystal, as well as being good friends with EXO, that was until Hana caught him smoking and called him pathetic. Although Kris wondered why Hana, who made basketball a beautiful art, refused to try out for the basketball team.

He wanted to get to know Hana and said… “Don’t ever give up.” -Kris I’ve changed a few words, as well as the sentence structure here and there but I feel like it would be more effective to write Kris’ intro this way as it doesn’t reveal where and when he falls for Hana, but it still talks about their interactions and stuff. Now for Yixing’s little thingo. The only thing that I picked out from that paragraph was; /Original But, can she notice his love? /Edited But will she notice his love? For me, replacing the ‘can’ with ‘will’ and taking away the comma made things flow a bit better. You don’t have to change these things, but do listen to my advice, especially with the Kris thing because what’s the point of reading a story if you know what’s going to happen, you know?

Foreward: The only thing you have written for your foreward are character profiles which I know I will find useful in time. A lot of straight stories have these and I think they’re pretty helpful (I’ve never really seen them in fics tbh). But if there’s one thing I’d point out is that; why is Yixing under ‘others’ since he has an intro in the description and I assume that there’s going to be an impending love triangle between Kris x Hana x Yixing. Like the fact that Yixing is under ‘others’ just gives me the message that Kris and Hana are going to get together and just makes it predictable. So like yeah, I think that’s just something to look over. There’s also the thing with Kai. Why say he has a crush on Krystal? It takes away from the mystery that could have been deciphered through reading.

Also, a small grammar error in your description. You have an ellipses and then a question mark but that isn't commonly used in formal statements and since it's your description, I would suggest getting rid of that and just using the question mark.

 

Characterization:

I’m a little iffy about your characters. Like Hana’s character is alright – but I don’t like the sentence ‘she will always smile to hide her pain’ in the character profile. Like when I read that I sighed a little, like the sentence itself is a massive cliché and I don’t know – I just really don’t like that sentence. I’ve seen it so many times in fanfiction and it just doesn’t work for me. Anyway, Hana – she seems /human/ although everyone around her just sees her as ‘perfect’ upon first glance without really getting to know her so I see her as being a little fabricated.

She seems human, but is too much of a ‘perfect’ human – am I making sense? She smiles to hide her pain. But what /were/ her experiences of pain? You’ve said how she has the disease, but there aren’t too many scenes of her past that show her suffering or how she wants to get better, how it made her want to quit basketball. A little more back story would have been better when talking about Hana, especially concerning her illness. But besides all of that, I like how you took the time to describe what she looks like, what she wears, how she feels. It’s all really good! Like some authors just leave out the description of the character and they leave it all up to the audience to imagine everything.

I have a couple of issues with Kris. It says on his character profile that he is a bit coldhearted, but I don’t see him being nonchalant anywhere in the story. It’s more like he’s being childish towards Hana. He’s the model student and he smokes. But /how/ did he get into smoking in the first place? I was left wondering about that because the only scene of him actually smoking was when he first met Hana. Krystal is supposed to be distant with Hana, but they act like best friends in some scenes. She’s jealous of Hana, but I don’t really see much of it from what I’ve read so far – I’ll explain more of this later in plot. Yixing is just typical Yixing and his character is just like every other representation of Yixing that I’ve read before – except that he’s not forgetful. Your characterization over all is pretty well done, except for a few things here and there.

 

Grammar and Spelling:

[Because I feel really bad and I don’t want to keep you waiting, I’ve decided to only edit grammar/spelling errors up to the middle chapter 2 since there are quite a lot and I don’t want the grammar section to take up the whole review]

Before I get onto the grammar/spelling things for the actual story I want to start by going over your prologue. Okidokey- so the first thing that caught my eye was the Boing Boing as well as the Plop thingos that are in like the first sections of the prologue. Like I didn’t really get what the purpose of for those being there. Like the Boing Boing, after I thought about it, yeah okay, I guess it relates to the basketball being bounced but to me it gave a childish vibe and took away the seriousness to the story.

Also – this is my personal opinion, of course. But I’m not one for the whole; “TYPING LIKE THIS WHEN PEOPLE ARE SHOUTING!!!!” during dialogue. It also kind of gives off a childish vibe when reading and makes it a bit, I don’t know how to say it – too /intense/(?) I used to write dialogue between characters like this in the past, but when I read some really good fanfics, as well as actual books – they didn’t do this. And I realised that it was more effectiv