Inspector Yoo and the Joseon Jade Thief
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inspector yoo and the joseon jade thief
Youngjae is a young Inspector in charge of a case involving a jade-stealing gang and he is taken back in time together with one of the thieves, an orphaned girl stealing for the sake of keeping a roof over her and her younger brother's head.
REVIEWED BY: EXOEXOEXOLELLEL
Before you start reading the review, I would like to personally apologise for the delay of your request. If your story had been reviewed by the reviewer you specifically requested, then you would have definitely received a review less than five months ago. Stories that have over 30 chapters throw me off but the wait is horribly uncalled for, and so I send my sincere apologies to you, and hope that you will not give me too much disdain.
Title (3/5)
From an overall glance, the title is fine. It's appealing and has juxtaposition that grabs readers' interest.
However regarding your story's context, Inspector Yoo and the Joseon Jade Thief doesn't give a shine to your fanfiction as it should have. It's much like stating what the story revolves around and that, in my opinion, is a little boring. As the title tells us the main characters and the main characters only, the only symbolism I can pick out is perhaps the fact that you named the two not by their initial name, but what they are referred to in the modern world, in which Haeri is a Joseon Jade Thief, and Youngjae Inspector Yoo. In future chapters you should show us why you have named your fanfiction Inspector Yoo and the Joseon Jade Thief and not Yoo Youngjae and Kang Haeri nor Kim Won and Kim YeonAe. And by this I mean through your story, not through your author's notes.
Graphics (3.5/5)
You can call me an extrememly fussy person when I say that each detail in a story's main poster should represent an important aspect in correlation to the story. It's relieving to see that Haeri is enlarged compared to Daehyun and Youngjae, and the two rings in the foreground. The fact that it is right behind the title makes it obvious - even better. The difference between fonts of the title show that Inspector Yoo and the Joseon Jade Thief will have a connection in the story which is true so that's in check.
Now, what I think you're hoping that I wouldn't pick up on, is the fact that both Haeri and Daehyun are wearing a hanbok, and Youngjae isn't. Maybe it's the fault of the graphic designer, but as I said I am neat-picky. I would think it'd be better if Haeri wasn't in a hanbok so it shows that Daehyun belongs in a different era in comparison to Haeri and Youngjae. And I see rings but . . . where's the jade?! It's peculiar to see that Daehyun and Haeri's gazes are on the audience, and both are smiling to which Youngjae's like ". . . Nope!". However I'll leave this matter to different intepretations and opinions. One more thing . . . bubbles?!
Of course, I only drew these out because I went back to your poster after reading your story, so I did spend time searching for correlation and futile aspects. It was a looooooooong time ago but I'm pretty sure that when I first clicked onto your story, I stared at the graphic and thought "Ooooh that's nice". The colour of the background is an almost perfect mix to my favourite colour combination - I tend to lean more to a dominant purple than pink. That probably sounded completely useless but that bumped your mark 0.5 points higher so ;).
Description and Foreword: (10/10)
Okay, your description is actually, actually perfect. THAT'S A BLOODY RARE SENTENCE TO FALL FROM MY MOUTH. The divisions in which you separate sentences into paragraphs or on their own is superbly well done, and the commas you add here and there manipulatively engages the reader into the description. You hint but don't hide the fact that Youngjae will be transported to the Joseon dynasty, and very slyly shove the readers into thinking that the thief is a male, until you reveal it at the very last word.
The only thing I would like to point out is that there are too many periods . . . (see what I did there?). An ellipsis only consists of three periods and that's more than enough.
Usually I frown upon any extracts from the story used in the Foreword section but what is prepared definitely drives readers on and so I announce it essential for it to stay there.
The character profiles are good, I have no problems here.
Story Layout: (5/5)
As proven in your description and foreword, there are no problems with paragraph divisions and spacing. It's good to see that you know when a new idea or thought is introduced, or a different character speaks up, that a new line should be started.
Plot: (30/30)
Ah gee, where to start. Though I tend to leave flaws and questions last, I'll say it now that there is hardly anything I am questioning or doubting. It's great to see that you are showing many sides of the story, so readers are not confused along with the characters. Most readers like to have the upper hand when experiencing thoughts and scenes with characters. This being said, you definitely show us your manipulating skills as you countlessly throw plot twists at us, with Daehyun being a member of the Jade Thiefs and Himchan being the Crown Prince. I think we all know that Haeri, Youngjae and Zelo being tossed in the Joseon dynasty means that their related characters are probably suffocating in the modern world, but I feel that you will throw yet another plot twist to it. If you haven't figured it out already, I don't usually spew out so many compliments and I am embarassingly running out of things to say. I mentioned at the start of the review that I'm no good with long-chaptered fanfictions, but I can tell you I read the last twenty chapters in around three days. I apologise for if I knew from the beginning what lay ahead of me, you would be reading this review last year :x.
I hold no Korean heritage so I apologise that I cannot correct you on anything regarding history, if there is anything that needs to be corrected.
Characterization: (7/10)
Here, regarding your story, is where I feel most comfortable in mainly because I don't label this category as perfect. Overall, you have done a wonderful job in introducing characters and developing them to their current stage, but I find bits and pieces a little dodgy.
Let's start with Haeri, the gullible, witty, and curious female protagonist. Her shock and distress at the beginning is expected, and how she grows an infatuation for Youngjae is fine, however I am doubting whether Haeri really loves him. Youngjae thinks about Haeri all the time however it isn't the same vice versa. Youngjae is only occasionally popping into Haeri's thoughts when readers are put in her mind, and I have caught onto the multiple times where Youngjae boldly says "I love you" and Haeri only mumbles, or smiles (most of the time). This being said, when Youngjae leaves her for three weeks, the nightmares Haeri experience made me hesitate. Is it only when Youngjae is absent, that Haeri thinks of him all the time, labelling him as so significant in her life for her to turn situations with him into nightmares?
Secondly, Youngjae. In the modern era, he is the youngest, the smartest detective but I am finding no scraps of his intelligence here. You have only given us one chapter of which the protagonists live in the modern era, so we do not know just how intelligent this Inspector is. He's tried to research and uncover what threw him into the Joseon Dynasty, but I think you've stretched it too far that Youngjae would put aside his purpose of finding the thief and trying to find out how he got there, for love.
Love is crazy, hey?
Daehyun is fine, Ari is fine, Himchan is good, but I am really questioning Zelo's abrupt appearance. I can practically smell the plot twist. But he can't be evil, since he's from the modern era too . . . URGH.
Content Description (10/10)
There is plenty of description in your chapters and I had no problem following the scenes. You balance the information out well; not too little, not too detailed. You also aren't one of the authors who overwhelm us with advanced vocabulary; not all readers on AFF have a basic understanding of how the English language works, so keeping it at a moderate level is great.
Flow: (4.5/5)
You've set the flow to a moderately-slow pace, and kept it steady throughout the chapters. I could easily keep up with the story and didn't feel as if anything was too rushed. Everything seems to be well planned out. The only thing that I raise a question mark at is what I've mentioned above - where Zelo abruptly makes his introduction to the readers.
You've set the flow to a moderately-slow pace, and kept it steady throughout the chapters. I could easily keep up with the story and didn't feel as if anything was too rushed. Everything seems to be well planned out. The only thing that I raise a question mark at is what I've mentioned above - where Zelo abruptly makes his introduction to the readers.
Grammar: (8/10)
As you have notified us later in the story, you have gone back straight to the beginning to edit your story. Because of this, I hardly found any grammatical errors so you should be really proud of yourself. Many authors out there are in no state to be willing to go back over their story to edit that has over forty chapters. Outrageous.
As you have notified us later in the story, you have gone back straight to the beginning to edit your story. Because of this, I hardly found any grammatical errors so you should be really proud of yourself. Many authors out there are in no state to be willing to go back over their story to edit that has over forty chapters. Outrageous.
However, there is one definite flaw you've been using throughout your story that many many many authors make: the collision of the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (he said, she laughed, they cried) after a character's dialogue, you put a comma before the ending quotation mark and put the first letter of the starting word in lower case. If you put an action sentence after someone's speech, then vice versa; a period before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the starting word in upper case. However if it's neither an action nor a tag-verb, but it relates to the character's dialogue, then the same rule applies as to the tag-verb's.
CHAPTER 44
Quote: "You say you're married now, right?" A young man commented . . .
Correction: "You say you're married now, right?" a young man commented . . .
Quote: "I love everything about her. I love her." He finished simply, drinking and refilling his cup again, a faraway look in his eyes.
Correction: "I love everything about her. I love her," he finished simply, drinking and refilling his cup again, a faraway look in his eyes.
Maybe it's because my reviewer senses were coming back, but I found a few - and most, out of all the other chapters - mistakes in your last chapter and I have them quoted and corrected below.
CHAPTER 44
I love that she puts me first and knows that I'll do the same."
[Starting a new line from the same character's dialogue is really effective, however the quotation marks in between are not needed. It is fine to just put a period, hit enter, and continue on with the next sentence.]
[From here onwards I will leave you to catch any collision with the tag-verb agreement as I think you would have caught on by now.]
"Stop! You're giving me goosebumps . . ."
[This should be on a separate line]
Rolling his eyes, Youngjae lifted his cup and drank the wine, his companion doing the same before they poured drinks refilled their cups for each other.
["Drank the wine" is similar to "taking a wet shower" which is unnecessary because it is implied. "Poured drinks" is an implication that they are taking their first drink which is why "refilled their cups" is better.]
Youngjae tilted tilted his chin towards her, kissing gently . . .
Taste of the Story: (10/10)
I'm not a person to take interest in historical eras, not to mention a world in which I have no relation to the nation, but I definitely found myself enjoying your story as I flew by the chapters. I can sense the revealing of YeonAe and Won's true identity, and I'm sure your readers are every bit excited as well. Light to moderate romance weaved into a story of time-travel; there is no other aspect that I would suggest you add to your fanfiction. I am enraptured in your plot, and hope that you will give your readers the full satisfaction to which I know you will, soon.
I'm not a person to take interest in historical eras, not to mention a world in which I have no relation to the nation, but I definitely found myself enjoying your story as I flew by the chapters. I can sense the revealing of YeonAe and Won's true identity, and I'm sure your readers are every bit excited as well. Light to moderate romance weaved into a story of time-travel; there is no other aspect that I would suggest you add to your fanfiction. I am enraptured in your plot, and hope that you will give your readers the full satisfaction to which I know you will, soon.
TOTAL: (91/100)
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