Scars
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!SCARS
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reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
Title (1/5)
One word titles are a pull in for some readers. Though there is an implied angst deep meaning behind the word 'scars', it's not a very unique word therefore loses its blow of impact you may have been intending to achieve. Personally, I've had a one-shot entered into my contest titled 'Scars'. Typing the word into AsianFanFic's custom search bar brings up many results, where 'scars' is seen in many titles.
It's too early in the story to say, but as of now I cannot see any reason why you would be wanting to name your story 'Scars'. There are so many possibilities and I'm not picking up on any hints. Note that because it's still early in the story, because I cannot see any relation between your title and the story, full marks is not awarded.
Graphics (2.5/5)
The poster is very big. Yep, that's how I'm starting this, the poster is very big. I like how the border is uneven and shredded - symbolises that maybe So Jin is slowly being eaten up by what's around her? That's a really good connection to the story You can easily spot the title, with its size and contrast of hue with Taehyung and So Jin. However, it's really hard to see the graphic and story credit, since the white colour blends in with the transparency of the characters. On the other hand, it's great to see both main characters looking away from the audience, but it's kind of bothering me that the image used for So Jin is obviously Kim Taeyeon of SNSD. She's my female lead in my main fanfiction so you know, it may just be me who's a little distracted.
Just wondering - Jin seems to be making frequent appearances in your recent chapters, is his character significant enough to earn himself a spot on the poster? Something to think about.
I'm quite picky with graphics; I believe each little thing in the poster should reflect the story. This being said, I hope you bring cherry blossoms, something related to the time, and something to do with streets that have lamps, into the story.
Description and Foreword: (10/10)
With the description of the story, misleading the audience into thinking what everyone else in the story thinks of So Jin is a brilliant way to introduce the story. Turning around and then going 'LOL just kidding she actually lives a crappy life' to the readers' faces shows who's in control of the story, and your powerful ways of manipulation. Sneaky. You're very blunt with telling us that So Jin holds many scars, which is a significant contrast to the "girl born in a lovely family. . . showered with love and is happy all the time". You've done an excellent job with the Description.
I've fixed up your grammatical mistakes, but I will not be deducting marks in this category because of the errors, as this regards the Grammar section further down the review.
Jung So Jin is just an average girl, a girl born in a lovely family, a girl whom is showered with love, and is happy all the time. A happy bubbly girl. Or this may be just what the people see. Under those smiles and those stories lie hidden scars, scars that will stay there forever, a permanent scars.
Your Foreword is fine as it contains the appropriate content.
Story Layout: (3/5)
Your layout is a little off. If you're confused about some of my corrections above, where I would embolden some words when they are the same as what you have written, then let me explain. It is unnecessary to leave a space between a word and a punctuation mark. Here's a sentence from Chapter 5:
As he turned around to look at the teacher , our eyes met .
I will underline what I mean by unnecessary gaps.
As he turned around to look at the teacher , our eyes met .
That is what I have corrected multiple times in your description. Here is what it should be:
As he turned around to look at the teacher, our eyes met.
Other than that, nothing else is wrong with your story layout.
Plot: (25/30)
Things are looking good here. The plot is very interesting, as you start Scars with the completion of high school. The home life for So Jin is very much like Cinderella, but you are definitely moulding it into your own creation with So Jin's tolerable character, and the help of Aunty Mi Won. . . reminds of me a novel called "Chinese Cinderella", but I'm not sure if you know of it. It's an amazing book, among my favourites.
The meeting between Taehyung and So Jin is very unfriendly, and their icy connection will direct Scars to visit great depths. Friends seem to play little part in this story, and revolves around the So Jin's life at home as well as Taehyung and his crew. I can see that you're stirring up happenings to get the story going, such as the musical showcase for the students, and the appearance of Jin with his manly 'rescues' (I think it's obvious it was him who gave So Jin the umbrella, unless you change it to some random holding the same initials?). I suggest creating plot twists to drive your readers on, maybe make it that Jin doesn't actually fancy So Jin like you're dramatically hinting, maybe he's just a really shy guy (since we don't know what type of person he is yet) who just wants his bloody umbrella back but is too much of a wuss to ask So Jin. Things like that.
Characterization: (5/10)
For starters, it's clear the to audience what type of people So Jin and her family, and Taehyung are. Their personalities are shown through their actions and dialogue. However, we need to know the other characters, even if they're minor. What kind of friends are Ji Eun, Hye Won and Young Ji? Does So Jin treasure them? How about the even minor characters? The way you just spewed out Minyu, Baekhyun, Jason, Ra Jin, and so on, is an absolute no-no. You see the thing is, you mentioned three names in the beginning. Ji Eun, Hye Won, and Young Ji. You told me that they were So Jin's friends. I got that. But by Chapter 2 I've forgotten their names, because you'd neglected them. You didn't tell me who they were, what they were like. And at the end of Chapter 6, you just exploded these heap of names on me, I couldn't handle it. Who were these people?! It's messing up my knowledge of this story. You can't just point your finger at small characters and go "okay, this is Chanyeol, this is Baekhyun, this is Jessica" and so on. If they're significant enough to get a mention in this story, you absolutely HAVE to tell us who they are, and what they are like.
Please clear this confusion up in future chapters.
Content Description (1/10)
I need you to pay close attention to this specific category, because there are many aspects to address.
One: the most important thing: Where in the world is the description of the characters? Sometimes you'd find vague descriptions in novels, or other people's works, but authors need to give readers at least a rough idea of the visualisation of their characters. A crooked nose, short fringe, usual red-painted nails, anything. Also, even if all your readers are familiar with BTS, you can't just avoid describing their appearances. We know the boys go crazy with their hair: red, blonde, brown? Moussed, messy, mohawked? Vital things. Also, linking on to the previous categories, you need to let us know who all these people are and whether they would get along with So Ji nor not: Jessica, Jason, Sung Jae, Chanyeol, and etc.
Two: as mentioned before, vague descriptions are suitable for fanfictions, but your story is dry of adjectives. What book was So Jin revising from before she had dinner with Taehyung's family? Was it a textbook? What was wrong with her old clothes (because you haven't told us what she was wearing) that made Aunty Mi Won mutter in disapproval?
Three: description of the setting. What did her high school and university school look like? Not only should you give us a physical description, but also a mental and emotional one. How did the first car ride to her university feel like? What were So Jin's thoughts? How did the classrooms of the university differ from those of her high school? What did So Jin feel when entering university?
Four: description of scenes. This section is okay, but there are multiple parts of your story where this lacks. For example, the last day of high school. Was that not an upsetting experience for So Jin? What even was it for her? Grateful? An air-breather? Horrible? Also, one big one is, what is 'captain ball'? You describe how So Jin is about to get hit and Jin saves her and blah blah but wait, rewind, how do you even play this game in the first place? I was so lost.
Flow: (1/5)
You're rushing the story. It's going too fast. You need to slow it down, and I promise you this will be a lot easier if you get some description in. The transition from high school to university flew by, and this is not good. And the frustrating thing is, is that the flow where Taehyung teases So Jin at her dinner table is just right! You can manage the pace of Scars appropriately!
You're rushing the story. It's going too fast. You need to slow it down, and I promise you this will be a lot easier if you get some description in. The transition from high school to university flew by, and this is not good. And the frustrating thing is, is that the flow where Taehyung teases So Jin at her dinner table is just right! You can manage the pace of Scars appropriately!
You mentioned that So Jin didn't see Hye Won during the holidays (which makes me question their friendship) and I wonder just how long that holiday lasted? It's not suitable to cover so many days in six short chapters. Maybe you're aiming to get to the parts you find interesting, say Jin and So Jin's first conversation that is around the corner, but it's unhealthy for the story to risk the readers' enjoyment because of possible confusion, to whiz by the situations. Slow it down.
Grammar: (2/10)
There are a lot of grammatical mistakes present in Scars, but it's pretty average for a person who's second language is English. There is the incorrect use of the tenses, capitalisation, punctuation, and clash of clauses. The easiest to correct so far without the need of extending your knowledge on English, is the issue where there are many times where you would forget the full stop at the end of the sentence.
There are a lot of grammatical mistakes present in Scars, but it's pretty average for a person who's second language is English. There is the incorrect use of the tenses, capitalisation, punctuation, and clash of clauses. The easiest to correct so far without the need of extending your knowledge on English, is the issue where there are many times where you would forget the full stop at the end of the sentence.
Because you don't have the highlighting restriction set on Scars, life has been made easier as a reviewer of this story. I have corrected the mistakes I could identify in Chapter 1:
One thing I have noticed in your recent chapters, is that you have used a few advanced vocabulary, which shows your improvement in writing.
If you hope to improve your understanding of the English language, the most helpful way I can suggest is to read, read, and read - preferrably novels rather than fanfictions, as novels have been edited by professionals and present the most accurate grammar. You may also be able to realise the different styles of writing, and the tricks played on readers by authors.
Taste of the Story: (2/10)
I'm a bit of a Grammar Nazi, so you're going to have to forgive me for cringing multiple times while reading the story. However, I soon got used to your grammar capability (but in order to achieve this, I had to speed read the chapters) and it was okay since the plot was quite interesting. The flow however, really disrupted my enjoyment of the story, and the lack of description and character introductions raised a lot of question marks in my head.
I'm a bit of a Grammar Nazi, so you're going to have to forgive me for cringing multiple times while reading the story. However, I soon got used to your grammar capability (but in order to achieve this, I had to speed read the chapters) and it was okay since the plot was quite interesting. The flow however, really disrupted my enjoyment of the story, and the lack of description and character introductions raised a lot of question marks in my head.
If you can, I encourage you to have a beta-reader to sweep through your story, and maybe you'll come across an author willing to discuss your writing skills with you, and improve the standard of Scars to a successful read.
TOTAL: (52.5/100)
Thank you for requesting at LUST review shop.
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