LUST
Review shop since 06.29.14
hush
hush is a series of drabbles that make up a story. the chapters are reaaaaally short and the progress is slow, but each chapter shows something significant and really. this is just an excuse from a lazy author, but i didnt say that :D
heres the foreword:
"Himchan meets a young boy who doesn't remember much of about his own life. A lanky boy with faded pink hair, who goes by the name of Junhong."
reviewed by: ft_stars
Title (2/5)
I really, really like a one-word title as it gives off a very artistic impression towards the story and it is much easier to remember stories with short titles rather than long ones. The word hush seems just full of secrets for me, like something between them or any of the character has something that he hides, it also gives off the impression like a gust of the wind, something that you would like to blow away and have it gone from your life. For my first impression, the title is to my liking, simple yet hard to decipher. For avid readers, they would ponder on the real meaning and what it will lead them to.
However, what puts me off so far is that the title does not have any connections to the drabble ( from what I have read from Prelude ). I couldn't decipher the connections the title to the story and how much true the title is to the story. What does 'hush' has anything to do with the story so far? I think the drabble has more to it and that 'hush' might not be suitable for it - or you could prove me wrong in the future by asking to review again and I'll evaluate the scores again since this drabble pulls me in. Please, do remember, I do understand that this is a drabble but what makes it a drabble that you can compile together? The connections.
Graphics (0/5)
I have encountered this story before and I have seen the graphics that you have used. I loved the feeling of comfort in the graphics and it suits the main theme of the whole ordeal like a puzzle piece. I loved the longing look on Himchan's face and the secretive look gushes from Junhong. I also adore the background as it completes the whole look of this story. People nowadays judge books by its cover and it also applies to the community here. More than half readers in this community are attracted to beautiful things, the graphics, rather than the stories - which is a loss for them. However, it doesn't mean that you can just skip the graphic things and focuses solely on the story. In the future, I hope you would get new graphics to go with the story as they're pleasant to the eyes and can become the key to attracting more readers to check out the story.
Description and Foreword: (7/10)
I know I have been nothing but spouting praises but I would like to praise you once again for a wonderful foreword. It is something different than any other stories that I have encountered before or reviewed. I understand that this drabble is about self-hurt and the main characters comforting each other but the foreword is so different than what I would always read. It gives off a new level to the story itself and it makes me want to read the story of Junhong and Himchan. Usually, if the stories are about self-hurt, the descriptions or foreword would be:
" - Sehun has not been the happiest child but Jongin is there. Jongin is always there - "
It's something different but I'm sure it will be able to pull readers to check the story. However, the case for your description is different and it's not in your favor. I was intrigued by the foreword but not the description. The description is simple yet it wasn't able to work the magic like the foreword. Less is better, true, however, you have to understand that more can be better in certain ways. You have to calculate the fact that readers would read the description first and later the foreword. I would suggest that the snippets of the forewords ( the criminal notice ) to the description.
Furthermore, I would like to point out this, that the description connects with the prelude but the foreword does not. It says about criminals and yet the prelude doesn't let out anything about any of the two of them being criminals. I would discuss this more in the plot later.
I also want to point out the grammar errors:
WANTED
[Picture shows:
A blurred CCTV-captured image of a man of tall build, wearing a black wife beater and black pants
Markings of what appears to be a tattoo are seen across parts of his exposed torso
The man seems to be holding some sort of weapon
He has dark red hair and distinctly intimidating brows
The lower part his face is obscured by a dark mask with red markings]
WANTED FOR: MURDER, THIEVERY, ARSON, AND DRUG DEALING
IF SEEN, PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL POLICE
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS YOUNG MAN
[Picture shows:
A blurred CCTV-captured close-up of a lanky teenager, also wearing a black wife beater and black pants
Dark markings of what appears to be a tattoo snakes down his right arm
The boy does not appear to be carrying any weapons
His hostile eyes are quite distinct, along with his pink hair and the row of piercings on his right ear
(he must have been glaring directly at the camera at that time)
The lower part his face is obscured by a dark mask with blue markings]
WANTED FOR: THIEVERY AND ARSON
IF SEEN, PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL POLICE
Story Layout: (5/5)
Another praise. I love the story layout. It's clean, simple and neat. I love the messaging scene and it feels nostalgic and real as if I'm looking at my phone and selecting delete. Keep up with it as it is the connection between readers and the stories. If the story layout is messy then the readers would have a headache. Keep with the spacing and neatness.
Plot: (23/30)
So far, I am liking to the plot but I have to point out something. Firstly, it is because of the lack of chapters that I am not able to connect the foreword to the story. Truthfully, it is hard to review a story that only has one chapter and that chapter is just an introduction, a beginning and nothing major happened except for the fact that the problems that the two main characters are going through being revealed in a teasing manner. Nothing has been revealed truthfully so I couldn't discuss a lot about the plot or the characterization. However, so far as I have said before, I like where the story is heading to. I would like to see soon the connection between the foreword and the story.
Characterization: (4/10)
I would specify to two main characters here and start with Junhong. Junhong doesn't leave any impression on me. It's true that he has his problems that he is facing and it should have brought something for the readers to pity for with him. However, his character is too bland. He almost seems like he doesn't have any emotions at all. I do understand that he has gone through difficulties and a plus for having amnesia too but wouldn't it be bizarre not to feel out of place all the time. No one to take care of you, no one to talk and feel like not out of place. It could cause stress and depression knowing that he is in a whole new world where he is all alone. Have you watched an anime called Amnesia? That is what Junhong is like, his character is similar to the heroine who doesn't really chase after her memories. It is much better if you could show more raw emotions of him in the future chapters.
Next, I would like to discuss Himchan's character. I do understand that he is also going through hard times, seemingly wanting to end his life and thanks to Junhong, he is safe and sound for another day. It is so hard to review and breakdown his character when it has only been a chapter. It breaks my heart not to be able to love the characters seeing as you should have asked for a review after two or three chapters more. Himchan doesn't give off any strong impression towards me so I would like to read more about it to be able to grade him specifically.
Content Description (8/10)
I love the mechanics of this story. They are very nice to read and the mechanics give off a very mature aura towards the story. Yet, the prelude seems off and not really suitable for a story opener. There are tricks and tips to create a perfect prelude (or the first chapter ), not revealing that much about the whole plot and yet keeping it simple and not too heavy for readers to jump straight into the story. The first chapter is a simple introduction to the characters involved, his everyday routines and the perks of him or her being the main characters. Their past do elicit interests but it's too hardcore for the first chapter.
Flow: (3/5)
The flow is bumpy and too fast and slow in my opinion, breaking this section down would be needed. First off, in the beginning of the chapter, the flow is perfect and when it gets to the middle of the chapter, the part where Junhong saved Himchan, it is a bit fast for me. I feel like the incident is not suitable to be placed in the first chapter, instead suitable for the second or third chapter. I don't really understand the concept of short drabble stories if the story itself doesn't suit the drabble type. The flow becomes slower when it gets to the ending and I would like to point out why. When their past, back story have been revealed, it has created a very slow flow with the prelude ending so suddenly. This is the reason why revealing the things that have been revealed in the prelude is safer if it's in the second or third chapter.
Grammar: (7/10)
There were a few grammar errors that I dictated, some from my perspectives and some from Grammarly. There is a few mix of tenses between past and present tense and misseen spelling errors. I don't see any problems reading through it for the first read so it doesn't leave any bad impression towards myself and readers out there who aren't particular about this kind of things. All and all, the grammar is not perfect yet it isn't horrible to the readers so kudos for you.
Taste of the Story: (6/10)
Truthfully, I love the plot and somehow, I feel like slowly attaching to the story and is now waiting for the future chapters. Although, I know there is more work needed to be done towards the character in the future chapters. Overall, with the mechanics and the plot, it is a very good job coming from you.
TOTAL: (65/100)
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