the request.

AUTHOR » beyondthestars-x

STORY status » Completed / On-going

type of request » Standard

chapters reviewed » 3

genres » Romance, Supernatural (Werewolf), Comedy

description »     The story of a young alpha werewolf who suffers under the dark shadow of her father and step-mother. A girl who carries the burden for her pack, so they don't have too. A girl who's stepped up to replace her tyrant of a father and witch of a stepmother, to fix the mistakes made by her family. A girl who apologizes every day for her parent's corruption. The story of a girl whose past twisted her heart, made her doubt in fate, and recoil at love.

" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."

" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "


 

title (2.5)

appeal » 2/2

correlation » 0.5/2
CLARITY » 0/1

Given the Description, I can see roughly where the story might relate to the title, however, there are so many possibilities to go about it that it really is difficult to pinpoint the exact connection. Not that this really matters right now, since your story is only starting. I don't know why, but for a long time I kept reading the title as 'Cynical Roomate', so you can imagine my surprise when I finally had the time to look at the story and discover it a werewolf plot. Up until now, I still can't manage to completely shake off the 'Roomate' idea. Back to the real title, it does invite the reader to a mysterious read under the Romance genre, and adding the 'cynical' suggests selfish reasons that will lead to blooming problems in the storyline. An effective pull-in for the readers.

Don't mind the score here; you'll find that many categories in this review will be around the lower range, as there is little in the story for me to base my analysis on - a disadvantage of reviewing a story in its early stage.

    graphics (2.5)

APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2

correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0.5/1

I'm guessing the graphic credits go to you. Frankly, I have nothing against extracting images, spraying a filter on it, and dropping the title on, but many fanfictions do seek a proper poster for their story. It's all for the aesthetics, really, because many readers do get won over if the poster and matching background is presentable and creative to the eye.

The refusal of Jungkook to send his gaze to the audience brings out the mysterious aura about him, and the position of where his eyes are lets us know that his is watching us in his peripheral vision. The gradient of the background in the poster focuses on Jungkook, and the black, white and grey hues implies the dark sides that may be introduced in the story. I would have preferred to see the female lead in the poster, so the audience can have an idea as to the type of person Aemi is before they launch into the story. Plain, but acceptable, the white colour of the words draws the attention of the readers, and the box around 'Romantic' emphasises the genre. A full stop should be somewhere in the quote at the top of the poster, and you can blame my intense OCD, but either 'Cynical' isn't centred, or 'Romantic' isn't. As I've said before, the background behind the story's text should be matching with the poster, and I'm not sure why you've picked crosses as the wallpaper print. Perhaps you will link this to the story. Lastly, I highly recommend you implement some form of fantasy indication in the poster. I feel that it's important to bring together all the elements of the storyline in the graphical representation, and fantasy is dominant in Cynical Romantic.

PLOT (18)

APPEAL OF the base storyline » 7/10

the effect of events » 8/10
development of plot » 3/10
 

So there obviously isn't much for me to compassionately launch into, but gathering from the three chapters you have currently published promises a very intriguing storyline. Jungkook comes quick into the story, and already leaves a stunning mark on Aemi and the readers. There are components that need to be described more clearly, such as the 'wolf' nature in the characters and the importance of stressing its combined identity while referring to it through third person, and also, Current and wolfsbane. There are no worries yet, as I'm sure you'll be able to efficiently deliver the signficance of these fantasical ideas through events and experiences.

The idea of soulmates and incorporating a form of physical mark that binds a couple together may not be an original idea, but honestly nowadays no one should really be labelling what's cliche and what's not. There are so many ideas out there, and so many stories to take on those possibilities, that there may no longer be a first for anything. It really depends on how much a reader has seen. The pain Aemi and Jungkook experiences as a result of staying apart from each other is evidently the driving force that will perhaps keep the romance alive in Cynical Romantic, but the biggest fault I'm feeling here, is that this pain, most interesting as it is, forces the two together and strips away that natural and coincidental process of falling in love. This denies the twist of a storyline that maybe, Aemi and Jungkook may not end up together after all. Of course you can weave other things into it, like breaking this connection.

Again, I'm in no position to offer a higher score in the category, and I should let you know that this is the highest mark I can offer with the three chapters.

flow (5)

suitability of the flow » 2/2

your control of the pace » 3/3
 

In regard to the romance of Cynical Romantic, things do seem to have picked up the pace, but considering the 'wolfsbane' idea, it is all too appropriate. I don't doubt that you have full control of the flow, and hope that you can keep it smooth throughout the rest of your story.

    grammar (6)

punctuation » 2/4

spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 0/2

There are several major issues that I need to bring up. The first is the tag-verb collision. If you put in a tag-verb (he said, she yelled, they exlaimed) after a character's dialogue, then you will need to end that dialogue with a comma, and put the he/she/they in lower case. If you decide to put an action sentence after the dialogue, then you do the opposite. So a period ends the dialogue, and the he/she/they is capitalised. The only exception to the latter, is when you put a run-on sentence in a character's speech, and that means, a sentence where you implement a tag-verb or action sentence in between (because the character's sentence isn't grammatically finished). Below are some examples:

CH 40: 003

Jungkook's eyebrows raised at my answer. "You're rogue?"he looks surprised, his eyes trace over my features. I hold his gaze calmly.

Jungkook's eyebrows raised at my answer. "You're rogue?" He looks surprised, his eyes trace over my features. I hold his gaze calmly.

I opened my mouth, but Jungkook spoke before I could, "we're fine.”

I opened my mouth, but Jungkook spoke before I could, "We're fine.”

"Why is she hurting so much?"Jungkook asks Justin and Angel as an another wave of pain has me convulsing against his body. I bury my head in his shirt, inhaling his scent to relax my howling wolf, "the pain only lasted a few seconds for me."The hand that isn't curled around my wrist, massages my scalp.

"Why is she hurting so much?" Jungkook asks Justin and Angel as an another wave of pain has me convulsing against his body. I bury my head in his shirt, inhaling his scent to relax my howling wolf. "The pain only lasted a few seconds for me." The hand that isn't curled around my wrist, massages my scalp.

"Wolfsbane?" Jungkook's voice is thick with confusion, "what wolfsbane?"

"Wolfsbane?" Jungkook's voice is thick with confusion. "What wolfsbane?"

Another significant issue, is that I have no idea what tense you're attempting to keep your story in. You switch from past to present too frequently, and I highly recommend a beta-reader if you're not sure how to keep it consistent. 

CH 39: 002:

To keep the present tense:

I offer her a sugary smile before turning to a wide-eyed class and started to examine my seating choices. The back of the class suddenly explodes with roaring laughter. My gaze flicks up and I catch the eyes of a wolf shifter with curly dark hair. He sits with another like the shifter, chuckling a bit quieter than his loud friend.

They both had the traditional werewolf look about them; dark expensive clothes that covered built bodies, complemented by strong handsome features and confident laid-back expressions. I catch their scent, both having the same quality and I don't have to look far to find the matching insignia tattooed to the base of their necks. Packmates.

“New girl," the dark haired one croons, "we've got an empty seat here," I tilted my head, contemplating his words. I didn't like the idea of being outnumbered, especially with them both belonging to the same pack, but I'd rather sit with them then with a duo of human boys that hadn't taken their eyes off my legs since the teacher talked about them. Jesus , if my legs were distracting it was their own damn problem.

I offer her a sugary smile before turning to a wide-eyed class and start to examine my seating choices. The back of the class suddenly explodes with roaring laughter. My gaze flicks up and I catch the eyes of a wolf shifter with curly dark hair. He sits with another like the shifter, chuckling a bit quieter than his loud friend.

They both have the traditional werewolf look about them; dark expensive clothes that covers built bodies, complemented by strong handsome features and confident laid-back expressions. I catch their scent, both having the same quality and I don't have to look far to find the matching insignia tattooed to the base of their necks. Packmates.

“New girl," the dark haired one croons, "we've got an empty seat here." I tilt my head, contemplating his words. I don't like the idea of being outnumbered, especially with them both belonging to the same pack, but I'd rather sit with them then with a duo of human boys that haven't taken their eyes off my legs since the teacher talked about them. Jesus , if my legs are distracting it is their own damn problem.

To keep the past tense:

I raise one shoulder then let it drop lazily to acknowledge them before making my way to their table, the one that resided in the farthest corner of the room from the front and was cushioned by large open windows. I eyed the huge glass planes that separated me from the outdoors, my wolf approving of my seating choice. Windows were great.
"Any specific place you'd like me to sit?" I say, tilting my head and look between the two empty bar stools.
“In my lap?” The dark haired one speaks up again, motioning towards his thighs.

I raised one shoulder then let it drop lazily to acknowledge them before making my way to their table, the one that resided in the farthest corner of the room from the front and was cushioned by large open windows. I eyed the huge glass planes that separated me from the outdoors, my wolf approving of my seating choice. Windows were great.
"Any specific place you'd like me to sit?" I said, tilting my head and looked between the two empty bar stools.
“In my lap?” The dark haired one spoke up again, motioning towards his thighs.

    taste of story (9)

personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4

length of your story » 1/1

Congratulations, you're receiving a standing ovation from me for the effort and time you're putting into re-writing the story. It's taking me almost two and a half years to write my own fanfiction, and I do not even want to think about the word "re-write". I do like to occasionally feast my eyes on a supernatural (or is it fantasy?!?! I have so much trouble defining the difference, since I think of vampires when someone says supernatural, and flying dragons with fantasy, but Google says Twilight is fantasy-based????? help me) storyline, featuring bands I'm a fan of. I love the thrill of a handsome and knowing man - that kind of fascination created of an attractive male is my favourite kind of ride. I like the idea of soulmates being bound, and I love Aemi's personality as well as Jungkook's oozing charisma. I'm already so into your story I'm tempted to click on the original story for some Jungkook goodness. Unfortunately, I have no time for that, so I hope I'll get to unravel your plot really soon. Best of luck with writing, and if you need anything, an author's assistance or reader's motivation, just let me know through message :).

total score (70)

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