{Reality by sullisaints}

Story Title (3/5)

Reality is a very fitting title for this story, but it doesn't intrigue me. If I were to scroll down a list of stories, I wouldn't be clicking into yours based on the title alone.

Graphics (5/5)

I think the graphic are really well done. The red picture in the middle brings out a dark mood and the background also fits very well with your story- it gives off the impression that it is cold and empty. Overall, it looks kind of like a horror poster but in this case, it really fits with your story. The title was also placed in such a way that it was intriguing. The quote on top gives readers a view of what's about to happen, but I can't say that I was attracted by that sentence alone.

Description and Foreword (9/10)

The description is good. The statistics you provided were enough for readers to have a foresight on what will be going on in the story. However, I don't get why you've wrote the last sentence down, '84% of the world are Christians'. It doesn't seem to have any link to the story- or am I wrong? 

{Story Plot}

Characterisation (19/20)

I think your characterisation is pretty good! I could see the vast difference in all of their personalities, although they all do have one trait in common- they are very tolerant. Sulli tolerates Jonghyun plenty of times even when he's hurt her so much, Krystal tolerates her mum treating her like a , and Amber tolerates Krystal and Kai. Even though they are not real. No.

Kai was also nicely portrayed- he was a massive jerk. Jonghyun has a soft heart but he gets mad when he's drunk. Luna and Victoria are like normal schoolgirls, but who knows what is going on in their lives?

So good job, you characterized them well because I could see all their personalities.

Originality (10/10)

I will give you this. I have not seen any stories like this before. Even though abuse is very very common in fanfictions, yours is driven by an entire different purpose. Many people write abuse just for the sake of writing them, or perhaps they like to, but you write it because you want to spread the word that these things we see in fanfictions are actually happening to people all around the world; just not us. I love how everyone in the story is not who they seem to be like, how they all have secrets they have to keep. 

Flow (3/5)

I think your flow is sometimes rushed, but other than that, it's okay. For example, 

"Nothing is wrong. I walk, acting as every step I take does not bring me excruciating pain. All of a sudden a wave of overwhelming pain hits me."

When you say she is acting as if every step she takes doesn't bring her excruciating pain, I think it's a little awkward to have overwhelming pain hit her in the next sentence. Perhaps you could have put the student bumping into her sentence before you talk about the pain.

Also, sentences tend to be short and choppy sometimes. It makes it rather hard for me to read for I have to stop and go and stop and go and it destroys the whole flow. For example,

"She takes all of it out but a twenty dollar bill. She throws the money at me and smiles. She doesn't even say a word to me. I'm her own flesh and blood and she treats me like I'm just a who works for her. I sigh and get up."

Edit: "She takes all of it out but a twenty dollar bill, throws the money at me then smiles, not even saying a word to me. I am her own flesh and blood yet she treats me like I am just a who works for her. Sighing, I get up."

Instead of putting full stops, why not make them commas? Join the sentences together and the flow will be much better and not so choppy.

Conflict twists (7/10)

Although there weren't many conflict twists in your story, I was kind of shocked when you described Amber as a homoual. Sure, Amber gives out the tomboy feeling but as I read the story from Krystal's POV, I thought that Amber was just being a very very good friend. You proved me wrong though, when you wrote out Amber's POV.

Content Descriptiveness (6/10)

Your story wasn't exactly very well described, because there were many many parts which were just actions and no elaborations. Many times also thoughts, but you also don't elaborate on that. However, I've seen plenty of stories which have very less description and elaboration in their stories but they are still written very well. I think yours is one of that, but I guess a little more elaboration would be a plus for your story.

Grammar (7/15)

There are many grammar mistakes in your story.

"I smile. Wishing I could be overjoyed by just a small object."

C: "I smile, wishing I could be overjoyed by just a small object."

You put a full stop instead of question mark here.

"Why do you have to be so loud all the time."

C: "Why do you have to be so loud all the time?"

"CLASS IS SO BORING HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN IF TEACHERS AREN'T ENTERTAINING."

C: "Class is so boring, how am I supposed to learn if teachers aren't entertaining?"

Also, you tend to miss out commas or full stops. Here's an example:

"Sorry, I have a lot of homework maybe next time"

C: "Sorry, I have a lot of homework. Maybe next time."

I also found some spelling mistakes in chapter 2:

phase- faze

jelous- jealous

your- you're

And lastly... Amber's chapter. I understand you are trying to show that she's a bubbly and happy and hyper young girl, but do not, do not write a whole sentence in caps! It's like screaming in my head when I read it and it irked me out quite a lot. You could've used italics instead of caps, because it emphasizes the sentence as well. Writing a whole sentence is caps really looks like bad grammar to me. Also, those exclamation marks. 

"Look at ME!!!" 

I don't know if I'm just weird but but but anything more than one exclamation mark looks like bad grammar again to me. One would've been enough, or you could again, put me in italics.

However, your tenses are really good. I didn't spot any tense mistake in your story, and I must say, that is quite a feat because stories in present tense tend to have plenty tense mistakes, but I found none in your story. That is definitely something very appealing to me as I've read many other fanfics with rather... broken tenses.

Taste of the Story (9.5/10)

I'm very... intrigued (excuse my limited vocabulary) by your story, even though the title wasn't intriguing. I absolutely love the way you chose to bring out the message that these horrible acts are wrong by writing a fanfiction; because really, how many authors out there do this? The way you wrote was also very enthralling, especially the ending of Chapter 1. It made me think, and regret for not having appreciated my life more. Your story definitely did make my heart feel conflicted, and I am in love. I liked Sulli's chapter the best, because of how nobody seems to know how she is inside. And Jonghyun... The part where Jonghyun apologized broke my heart :C 

Score: 78.5/100

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