Story Title (4.5/5)

I think it's a wonderful title for your one-shot. Anyone can take a glance at it and know that it holds an angst story behind it and that their heart will be left hammered inside out afterwards (of course, if the author manages to write the story in a decent way). However, there are numerous of fanfictions holding the exact same title, but we are talking about a contest entry here so it's not too much of a big deal.  

Graphics (3/5)

There isn't a set poster for your entry and I think it's something that all stories should have regardless of what it's for. Not only do graphics play a role in attracting the reader, but it is also a tool for symbolising things in your story and bringing that out in the spotlight.

Description and Foreword (10/10)

Every story should have a description as it's the opening impression for the reader to endure. Though it is fairly short, I think the little sentence you have is very effective for the kind of story you have written. It's all in series of periods - where you trail off (I don't know what it's called) - that creates the voice, tone and speed of the description. There isn't much to summarise with your story and what you have is perfect.

{Story Plot}

Characterisation (20/20)

It's quite cliche with the personality of your two characters; Jinri broken and in mourning towards her father's death, and Yunho's helpless desparation to relieve his partner's pain. Nothing is wrong here. They are both two sweet people and they are adorably compatible. It is obvious that Yunho cares dearly for his beloved Jinri and would go great lengths to do anything for her. It's sweet that Jinri notices Yunho's concern for her and tries to reassure him. 

Originality (7/10)

There are, unfortunately, many fanfictions that features someone broken over another's death. However the way that I see it, there aren't as many authors that have put the perspective of the story in another's eyes such as where you have put it in Yunho's. I will give you credit for that. I do not know if the host/ess of the contest is looking for original fanfictions but in my opinion, I wouldn't label your entry as a unique and distinctive one. This doesn't mean it's not a decent entry, it just means that if other authors manage to come up with a storyline that very few have heard of, and writes it off well, then I wouldn't think this entry would win the host/ess' heart.

Flow (5/5)

As the one-shot you have written couldn't have lasted more than five minutes, there shouldn't have been a problem with the flow. It's not hard to break the smooth, relaxed pace - which you didn't. Everyhing was slow and steady. 

Conflict twists (6/10)

I guess it's hard to put in a conflict twist in your one-shot as the time frame in the story is pretty short. Adding twists builds up suspension and makes the reading experience a whole lot better, and it's not exactly difficult to plan and slip one in a one shot, so I can not give you full marks in this category.

Content Descriptiveness (7/10)

In the area of expressing the character's feelings, you have ten million ticks. The first time I read the story, I was confused as to what was actually happening and it might be because it was still early in the morning. After reading your author's note - your brief cap on the story - I read it a second time and all the impacts of your one-shot starting hitting me everywhere on the body. I loved how you weaved in Yunho's thoughts in between the dialogue they were sharing as not only does that show how Yunho knows his partner so much, but also the fact that Jinri is trying to cover up her pain and that's something the feels inside our body can spend several minutes screaming all over. You have clearly showed how desperate Yunho is to mend Jinri's broken heart. Ample amount of description there.

However, I have no idea of where the scene is taking place. Are they out on the street, are they at someone's place, in a park? In the whole one-shot, you have only given us two movements as to the physical direction a character performs. When you wrote "I followed silently behind you," - followed where? The other one was "As we parted ways" - Why did they part? Where did Yunho go, where did Jinri go? These questions were pretty much the only other thing revolving around my mind aside from the angst mood.

Grammar (12/15)

Your grammar is quite decent and I could only see one very common mistake the majority of authors make. Aside from that, I'm going to be picky with the first few sentences of your one-shot.

The flaw that a lot of authors make is the collision with the tag-verb agreement. When you put a tag-verb (he said, she screamed, they squealed) after a character's dialogue, a comma is required before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the starting word has to be in lower case. If you decide to put an action sentence after someone's speech, then vice versa; a period needs to be put before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the starting word is to be in upper case. 

Quote: "Sorry for making you worry about me." she turned, giving me a soft smile.

Correction: "Sorry for making you worry about me." She turned, giving me a soft smile.

Now for the mistakes in your first few sentences:

Quote: I know your taking the news badly, anyone would. I can see it in your eyes, you're hurting so much in the inside, yet I can't do anything to ease the pain.

When using a comma, there should always be a conjuction to join the sentences together. 

Correction: I know you're taking the news badly - anyone would. I can see it in your eyes; you're hurting so much in the inside, yet I can't do anything to ease the pain.

Quote: You are always so happy, so lively and so pretty.

If you are going to repeat "so", "and" is not needed.

Correction: You are always so happy, so lively, so pretty.

Quote: "Stop"

Correction: "Stop."

Taste of the Story (10/10)

Again, your story is fairly short so there isn't much to pinpoint about. However I really enjoyed how you explained the thoughts and feelings of Yunho as it all hit me hard in the chest like a decent angst story would. Though it was very short, I enjoyed it.  

Score: 84.5/100

-- I know you have asked for me to review all of your entries, however I think it is a little unfair regarding to others for me to review all of your entries on just one request, as there is the Lust List to follow. If you would still like a review from me (or from any other staff at this shop) please feel free to request again in the next batch. If you would like a few (or all) your entries to be reviewed, please state so but do keep in mind that a review is a review and each entry you request a review for will take up one spot on the list - one less spot for other authors to take. For this request, I have reviewed the story in which your link led me to. I hope that there wasn't another entry you wanted me to review more than this one. --

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