100 Days with Kim Hanbin
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!100 days with kim hanbin
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » Anonkit
STORY status » On-going
type of request » VIP pass
chapters reviewed » 22
genres » romcom
description » Hana is forced by unexpected circumstances to live with her sworn enemy Kim Hanbin. What happens when you fall in love with the enemy you hate the most?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 1/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is completely relatable to the story, absolutely no other way you can interpret it and portray it in a different perspective than what is already presented in the fanfiction. For a fluff and comedic story, "100 Days with Kim Hanbin" is appropriate, however, if you're looking for a more distinctive title, yours would be fairly bland considering that there are a whole lot more other fanfictions with similar titles. You can practically see what the storyline is through the title, and personally, I wouldn't think "100 Days with Kim Hanbin" is that desirable of a title, but if you like how unsecretive the title is towards the plot, then everything is fine. Of course, readers who are a fan of reading roomate-related type of fanfictions would instantly be attracted to this story.
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
The poster with the bright background screams out a happy fanfiction, and this contradicts to the content in 100 Days with Kim Hanbin. So far, your fanfiction has been filled with disappointment and heartbreaks, moments where Hana enjoys her time are cut short with Hanbin's unapproachable character. I think it's nicely designed with the title fading from pink to red, which easily symbolises the main characters' love for each other with the blend of pure anger and hatred. I am picky with posters, so I hope you can somehow incorporate a blue bicycle and miscellaneous leaves into the story, as they take up vantage points in the poster. I'd give my two cents to say that the borders are a bit inconsistent, with the white doily print at the top of the poster, than a simple transparent frame around the whole poster, and then a final dotted border around the title. Readers may also find it a little peculiar that you keep using Jung Krystal as the image of Hana, I am not too sure, but I think some readers prefer to have the actual idol's name to be used to give credit for their image usage, rather than just "stealing" it.
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 0/1
The Description gives a nice introduction to the story - a very suitable one at that. It provides a good portion of the background information before readers launch into the story. I'll be mentioning this again in the next category, Story Layout, but it's important to be consisten and neat with your formatting, so you shouldn't start writing with your content aligned to the left, and then suddnely switch to the centre, like you have done with "Living under the same roof with the person you dislike the most it's not easy..." and the trailer. It does look a lot more organised with everything aligned to the centre, so I suggest you change your description alignment. With the Foreword, it's a bit unaesthetic to have the characters' gif unproportional, so you might want to fix them up. The credits and your author disclaim is in a font size extremely hard to read, but it is up to you whether you want to meet the readers' comfort expectations. Finally, I'm not sure why there is a yellow star ending your description.
Just a few grammatical corrections:
I usually respect people and mostly idols for their hard work but on a scale from 1 to 10, I dislike Hanbin 11.
I usually respect people and mostly idols for their hard work but on a scale from 1 to 10, Hanbin's a zero.
In most cases, when people rate others from 1 to 10, ten is the highest rate in the positive direction, and 1 the least desired.
I used to see pictures of him every day, listened to their songs, watched their music videos and all of this because my brother is Bobby.
I used to see pictures of him every day, listened to their songs, watched their music videos, and this is all because my brother is Bobby.
After Bobby won "Show Me The Money" rap competition, [...]
After Bobby won "Show Me The Money"'s rap competition, [...]
Living under the same roof with the person you dislike it's not easy...
Living under the same roof with the person you dislike: it's not easy...
story layout (2)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 0/2
There are a number of things I need to discuss here. As touched on in the previous category, all of your chapters are aligned to the left, but the last few sentences of each chapter are always aligned to the centre. Although it can portrayed as a cliffhanger type of effect it still breaks the consistency of your chapter layout, so I suggest you keep everything to the same format. Also, in between certain scenes, you would suddenly skip a few lines, making a clear division in between paragraphs that relate to the same scene. A division separating two different events is appropriate, but not when the story is still being told in the same point in time. Another thing is, your recent chapter shows the characters' thoughts italicised, as well as aligned in the centre. Likewise with your chapter endings, you need to keep everything uniform for the story to be read in a smooth manner. Also, sometimes you italicise text messages sent between the characters, other times you put them in quotation marks. Whichever one you feel most satisfied with, you should stick to one of them, so it doesn't confuse readers as to what's being texted, and what's actually being said out loud. Not only that, but at times your divisions are different. Sometimes they are the grey line that AFF provides for you, other times they are the three diamonds. 100 Days with Kim Hanbin is a story you can call yours, and in effect you should customise it to one repetitive division.
PLOT (20)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 4/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 10/10
The purpose of the story is quite clear to the audience, and that is to spend a supposed 100 days with Hanbin, though I am unsure if you directly state the amount of days in your story. I stand corrected if I am wrong. The background information of Hana being the sister of iKon's Bobby is notified in the Description, and how Hana strongly despises Hanbin, but the problem here is that you have directly told us why Hana is against Hanbin so much. You reveal that Hanbin does have his hostile ways at times, but obviously, Hana has met and decided that she doesn't favour Hanbin long before the latter comes over to stay at her place. With the background check aside, one of the major issues I think 100 Days with Kim Hanbin presents, is how realistic all the situations are. Why many authors choose to start kpop idols' characters from scratch, is because using their real life kpop careeris too constricting. Having to obey their companies, constantly training, attending concerts and fanmeets, recording, not obliged to wander around whenever they feel like: it's all too hard to avoid. In 100 Days with Kim Hanbin, it appears that iKon has the time to visit Hana, Bobby and B.I even living and spending time with her, not to mention Mino doing the exact same. It's all too impractical. Should you have taken away their idol reputation, this wouldn't be a problem, but using it as a foundation, it's unrealistic. Having said this, I'm glad that you did bring Dispatch into the story, because can kpop idols really escape the media for so long?
Your recent chapter leaves the readers with the knowledge of Hanbin facing a very big dilemma, and considering that he's fallen so hard for Hana, this leaves the perfect complication to the story. It's fairly unavoidable to be immune to Hanbin's charisma, so I do approve of Hana admitting to her crush on the one she supposedly hates. I hope in future chapters, you consider the realistic components of the story, and succeed in meeting the growing demands of where the plot is headed.
characterisation (5)
development of characters » 4/5
character influence on the story » 1/5
Hana seems to be extremely sensitive to her surroundings, focusing on what is ahead of her. Though romantic events take up most of the chapters, she doesn't completely throw away her academic studies. I'm doubting her infatuation toward Mino, considering that she's already experience a number of intimate moments with Hanbin, and I doubt that his looks and politeness alone can outshine Hanbin. The latter seems to be very moody, and fairly reserved, letting out his opinions just to see the reactions of Hana. How quickly he has fallen for Hana needs to be reinforced by how the two initially met, as the readers are not aware of what their first meeting was like, or any other times to which lead to Hana strongly disliking Hanbin. Bobby is a very interesting person, being an average brother at times towards Hana, but I think it's plain cruel to set up a situation for her where Hana's friendship with Sumin is at stake. Speaking of that friendship, it's clear that Sumin is a towards Hana lately, and the discovery of Sumin being Mino's first girlfriend proves just how little Hana knows of Sumin. I think you need to clear up on how they became so close to call each other best friends, and Hana's thoughts on Sumin turning on her abruptly, all because of a boy whom she barely met. As of now, I can't really say that the characters had much to do with what's been going on in the story; character influence is always important, maybe you should consider each character's role and responsibilities, and how they each can contribute to 100 Days with Kim Hanbin.
content description (7)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 2/5
Sometimes you miss certain details when explaining scenes, especially the times when Hanbin and Hana are getting intimately close with each other. For example, Hanbin touch Hana's forehead and nose seems to be their signature move, except, surely the man is a lot taller than Hana? Is he crouching to reach her, or is she tilting her head up for an easier access for Hanbin? Other times, you take more time to elaborate on a scene, which is always good to see. There are a few awkward phrasings that can be written in a better way, and some examples you will see in Grammar.
flow (4)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow is mainly controlled and steady, however, I am going to bring up Hana's quickening infatuation for Hanbin. If she continuously emphasises that she doesn't want anything to do with him, with the fact that he's cold, arrogant and unfriendly, can she really fall in love with him so quickly with a few words and touches? As well as Mino... Hana seems to be very sensitive to first impressions.
grammar (6)
punctuation » 1/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
English isn't your first language, so it's alright for many sentences to be broken. The main problem would be the rush of your sentence, where in many cases, full stops or at least a comma is required. Also, there are a few slip-ups present in most chapters where you would forget to type in the beginning quotation marks, two commas sitting in its place. I've noticed some advanced vocabulary, so it's good to see you expanding your word knowledge. Below are the mistakes I picked out from your very first chapter, so you can go ahead and fix them up. If you feel like you haven't learnt much from them, then I suggest you should hire a beta-reader to help with your grammatical mistakes.
CHAPTER 1: I ♕
The dark embraced our precious Seoul into it's arms as the moon was sheltered by the murky looming clouds.
The dark embraced our precious Seoul into its arms as the moon was sheltered by the murky looming clouds.
He was gone for more than one week, busy with his debut so I started to miss him... (even tho I would never admit that in front of him.)
He was gone for more than one week, busy with his debut so I started to miss him... (even though I would never admit that in front of him.)
Even tho I was replying short and cold, my body is filled with happiness every time I was receiving a message from my brother.
Even though I was replying short and cold, my body was filled with happiness every time I received a message from my brother.
It's always important to write formally, as "tho" is a slang our generation uses, not an actual word.
I was happier than a kid waiting for Santa clause.
I was happier than a kid waiting for Santa Clause.
Once I heard someone knocking at the door I hurried to open, I was close to slipping and breaking my neck but this time, I was luckier than usually.
Once I heard someone knocking at the door I hurried to open it; I was close to slipping and breaking my neck but this time, I was luckier than usual.
His cologne was smelling so good...
His cologne smelt so good...
Bobby's cologne never smells good for me. I opened my eyes and gazed at the person I just hugged, as soon as I saw his face my jaw dropped making me take a step backwards and releasing myself from his grip.
Bobby's cologne never smells good to me. I opened my eyes and gazed at the person I just hugged. As soon as I saw his face my jaw dropped making me take a step backwards and release myself from his grip.
His dimples crinkled up the skin near his lips, fact that made me stare at them for a while.
His dimples crinkled up at the skin near his lips, making me stare at them for a while.
Bobby's fist hi Hanbin's shoulder gently,, My sister doesn't like you that much."
Bobby's fist hi Hanbin's shoulder gently. "My sister doesn't like you that much."
B.I raised his eyebrow as his eyes aimed at me.
B.I raised his eyebrow as his eyes were aimed at me.
Aww it's been such a long time since me and Bobby went to see a movie together it couldn't be better...
It's been such a long time since Bobby and I went to see a movie together - it couldn't be better...
"Aww" isn't formal either.
This words resounded in my ears for few seconds.
These words resounded in my ears for a few seconds.
I was hoping to be one of Bobby's stupid jokes just to see my reaction and make fun of it.
I was hoping what Bobby had said was one of his stupid jokes just so he can see my reaction and make fun of it.
taste of story (5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi, so I do pick up on a lot of mistakes as I read along, whether it be in the mode of a reader or a reviewer. There are quite a number of grammatical errors throughout each chapter, so I didn't enjoy the story on that part. The plot I found increasingly interesting as Hanbin made more moves on Hana, and it became obvious that the two were falling hard for each other's charms. Sumin's presence in the story I despise, and I wonder when Hana will come to her senses and break all connections with her already. The story is just starting to get a little more intriguing, bringing in Hanbin's desires to the test.The length of your chapters are just my preferences - short and easy to read.
total score (64)
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