Gone
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!gone
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » kpopcrown
STORY status » Completed
type of request » Standard
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » angst, oneshot, sliceoflife, death
description » Shin Sekyung's life lays beneath the shadows of her graceful sister and between the lines of solitude. Her life is not what we can call a 'decent' life, but she is still satisfied. The said girls does not care about how her life was shaped or what is her purpose in this gigantic world. She only knew one thing even before finding herself.
She is a disgrace.
And the only way to hide it was beneath her sister's glory.
Yes, she is selfish. She is conceited and a pure hindrance to anyone and everyone. But even the coldest, the most vicious, and even the broken have souls. Yet the said girl is convinced she doesn't.
She is confused. She hates her skin. She is broken.
No one can mend her . And I'll show you why.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (3.5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
One-word titles are a pull in for many readers, and I myself, would have most likely clicked on the story if I were to scroll through a list of fanfictions. 'Gone' is relative, however, I do not think it is the most fitting in the way you have written the story. The title would refer to Sunmi's death, and the impact it has on both Xiumin and Sekyung is obvious, but the way Sekyung describes her emotional and mental turmoil runs more on the lines of guilt and self-hatred. 'Gone' could also refer to Xiumin's absence in the sisters' mess, but I do not think that this was emphasised in the one-shot. To sum it all up, 'Gone' holds correlation to the storyline, but it does not represent the major elements presented in your one-shot, as a title should be reflecting.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
At a first glance, the poster is definitely appealing, with the quality images and the contrasting hues of black and white. I approve of the colour scheme, I think it perfectly portrays the sombre vibe running in the one-shot, yet it isn't a colour of total black, suggesting a more sombre atmosphere rather than a dark one. It's clear to the readers that Xiumin will be playing a lead in the one-shot, thought I cannot tell if the two female presences represent Sekyung and Sunmi, or Sekyung alone. It would be good if it is in fact featuring both the sisters, as Sunmi obviously has a major role in the one-shot. This being said, I do think her image should be enlargened near the size of Sunmi's and Xiumin's as her signficance in the story isn't questionable.
The quote may be a little hard to make out for the readers given its small size, but it has passable placement. The title could stand out more, since the colour matches too well with the background. I do think the elegant font is very fitting for the psychological state that of Sekyung's. It's good to see a background suited to the story to match the poster, though I'm not sure if the use of roses is very correlative to the storyline, since it doesn't hold significance. Perhaps an image of the ocean would have scored more points. I do understand, however, that you did not make the graphics, and do not have full control of what is displayed and what isn't.
description and foreword (8)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Foreword is very intriguing, the continuous new starts in the Description creating suspense for the readers' intial taste of the story. I'm approving the ending, "And I'll show you why.". I think that's the perfect pull-in for readers, driing them on to start the one-shot. I do have an issue with the content of the Description, however. I don't think it gives the most relative introduction to the one-shot, but I will disucss this further in Plot, as for me the storyline is quite blurred. It's good to see a trailer incorporated, as well as character backgrounds. I would have recommended keeping everything aligned to one choice, so either justified to the left, or centred. Just to keep everything tidy. Overall, things are kept simple yet maintaining the aesthetic appeal, providing a warm welcome to the readers.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
The layout is kept very neat, and that's always a plus. The font is kept consistent, as well as the careful inputs of italicisation, and there are no uneven or mistyped divisions in between. The only thing is that the font size is a little small, and can serve a little of an uncomfortable reading experience for some.
PLOT (24)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 8/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 9/10
The storyline is very engaging with the death of Sunmi being the main drive. It does feature fairly common ideas: a bright girl constantly outshining her boring sister, the daughter who doesn't receive enough love from her parents as opposed to her sibling, and an unrequited love. Unoriginal plots are unavoidable, the challenge for authors lie in how he or she can shape these overused ideas and turn it into a creation of their own. One-shots are definitely going to find this difficult, given the limited capacity to narrate the story, so I don't see too many changed things in 'Gone' that I would have preferred to see. Again, this is understandable in the nature of a one-shot. The interest in Gone's storyline is definitely not neglected, as anyone who's a sap for angst and a bit of romance would love stories such as these, and frankly, I don't see any misevents or major flaws in the plot. Xiumin's sudden departure to pursue the career of an idol took me by surprise, but I don't have anything against using this motive. It's effective to notice the layout of the chapter, starting and ending in the same location, of which carries a significance to Sekyung.
There are a few questions that were raised throughout my reading. The main one would be the significance of Xiumin's character in the story. Gone seems to be very centred around Sunmi's death, and how Sekyung blames herself for everything that has happened. Before reading the one-shot, I thought Gone was going to be about winning Xiumin over, or an essay on how Sekyung can only stand as a friend for the boy she loves, so I definitely wasn't prepared for the sister bond that is heavily conveyed in the chapter. Reaching the end, I thought Xiumin's role was only to pose as another feature that Sunmi enjoyed and Sekyung did not, as well as another reason for Sekyung to blame herself for her sister's death, now that Xiumin cannot be with Sunmi anymore. Needless to say, I am a bit disappointed with the turn-out of Xiumin's character in the story. He should have had a more significant role, or not be advertised as a major character. Furthermore, I feel like more should have come out to portray Sekyung's pessimistic life. The one-shot for me, was more of a muse than anything, mere thoughts trickling out. Flashbacks, memory recounts of some sort would have convinced me Sekyung did endure harships with her second-hand treatment. What becomes of a girl who only has one friend, sits idly as she watches her sister own the world? In my opinion, the one-shot needed more events, more situations, more substance. I will elaborate on this in Content Description.
More minor things: Sekyung had found friends after Xiumin's leave - how had she not been able to establish these friendships previously, instead of resorting to Xiumin's friendship? Also, if Xiumin had been a dear friend to Sekyung, did he really leave her alone after one push?
characterisation (8)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
The character of Sekyung is very clear to pinpoint, given that the one-shot is narrated through her thoughts, observations and feelings. Xiumin is nicely introduced, though he lacks development in his character. We get that he comes into Sekyung's life as a friend, and as her love, but only has eyes for her sister. He leaves for his future goals, and that's where the gap opens. How has he changed has a person? What are his new perspectives, new habits, new traits? Surely he must have underwent eye-opening situations in the three years of absence. He's supposedly a major character in Gone, so he deserves attention there. What could have fixed this would be more paragraphs on his character when he returns to see Sekyung. His leave definitely moved the story along, with Sunmi's backlash on drugs, and this is a plus. Sunmi is also introduced effectively in the story, but her development in character is cleared up as opposed to Xiumin's. We can see clearly the change within her, through Sekyung's eyes, and her actions are the most influential in the story.
content description (5)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 3/5
Descriptions of Sekyung's feelings are beautiful. Your writing has that gripping feeling that captures the readers' attention. The way you set explanations out are also very commendable. Descriptions elsewhere, on the other hand, are a little lacking. We'll start with the more basic ones - what do our characters look like? Are the sisters' appearances starkly contrasting, or do they resemble twin-like features? How tall are they, what's their dress style? Don't forget Xiumin's descriptions, just because most of us know the idol, doesn't mean he's got the same appearance you depict for the story. "even the tiniest details of him were dear to me" isn't sufficient. I'll stay with that line to introduce my next point: "His careless mistakes, the way he walks, and he sense of humour, even the tiniest details of him were dear to me". One technique authors may use to engage readers into their descriptions, is to show and tell. If you are not familiar with this feature, it's where the authors show something or someone doing something rather than mere telling. For example, the above sentence is a form of telling. You're verbally telling us that Sekyung is in love with Xiumin's flaws and habits. But can you show us why? How does Xiumin walk? Does he trip over his own feet, or does he have a habit of dropping his phone on wooden floorboards?
Aside from the ocean, other settings, and especially situations, need a bit more description. Just to ensure the reader has a clear picture of what is happening in each scene, and liven things up.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
Descriptions are evenly spread within the one-shot, Sekyung's musings seamlessly flowing into explanations of situations. It's great to see that you have good control, little to pick up on here.
grammar (9)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
All up there were two or three grammatical errors that I came across, which is a good indicator that your editing is up to scratch. There are a few awkward phrasing that put me off just a bit, an example would be "What he found was her tragic death as news, but not her hand". "What he found" implies that something is happening instead of something else, so the "but" is redundant and unnecessarily repetitive. A major problem would be the tense collisions. It is right to keep descriptions of Sunmi in past tense given her deceased state, but as you have started the one-shot in past tense, there shouldn't be any signs of present tenses except in cases where something is definitely happening in the current moment - a bit confusing, so just stick to the past. I would also highly encourage the widening use of sophisticated language. This will improve your writing quailities.
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
Gone was a pleasant read for me, but I did lack the empathetic response this type of story should have been evoking from me. It mainly has to do with the lack of description in the physical world, because I did very much enjoy Sekyung's narrations. It's very similar to the type of characters I would invent myself. Xiumin was a let-down for me, and I was significantly confused with whether the storyline was supposed to be about Sekyung's downing experiences as a result of Sunmi's spotlight, or the impact on Sekyung's character from her sister's death. I like how it ended, the way you used a metaphor instead of writing "and then I cried", and I like the thoughtful chose of the quote. In all, Gone is a wondrous angst one-shot, and I think you've done an amazing job writing it :).
p.s I am so so sorry you had to wait a year for this. do forgive me :c.
total score (78.5)
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