The Emergence of Ice
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THE EMERGENCE OF ICE
Celestial Cybil is a not-so average village girl, living her not-so average village life. After waking up in the castle of a strange man calling himself "Prince Min Seok", she soon learns that her 'gift' (as her Grandma, Aelia, likes to call it) isn't so special after all. Celestial's demand for who she really is might just be answered by this mysterious Prince. That is...if Celestial's ready for the fight of her life.
reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
[ This review is based on the first four chapters plus the prologue. ]
Title (3/5)
From a first glance, your title gives a standard appeal to your story. Personally, I find it a bit tedious for title to have "The" as the first word. I'd rather much prefer abrupt, bold titles however sometimes it can't be helped, unless you change the title (in which you'd be changing it again). I can see the correlation between your title and your story however I can't say that I can see symbolism happening and the feeling of that the title resembles a strong, dominant idea in the story. Sometimes, readers remember a story from their title which is why it's really important to have it link the story, not just the act of prettying the title up.
Graphics (1/5)
It's nice to see that almost everything has been turned white to resemble the cold, wintry, icy feel that you'd want to promote for your story. I approve of the lettering of the title, and how "emergence" is set to a bolder and elegant style with "ice" adapting to a wintry font in white. The gazes of Minseok and Celestial I wouldn't need to criticise. I'm guessing that there is a picture of the woods symbolising where Minseok and Celestial first met? And the castle as Minseok's kingdom. Unless you manage to make those two environments special or significant towards the characters, there really wouldn't be no point in have those two settings in the poster.
I'm not sure why there are white lines diving pictures into squares and rectangles, but it does great a nice appeal.
If I had to summarise my thoughts on your poster, it would be that I don't see or feel anything special towards it. It's pretty plain though I do recieve a wisp of a wintry feeling. Perhaps if you put objects that are important in the story rather than environments, then that would spice up the poster.
For the little posters you put up with every chapter, they are all random. They should connect with the story's main poster. Half of them are bizarre to me, such as the black and white poster with a non-Korean model at Chapter Four, and I'm not sure why the definition of "honne" is featured on Chapter Five's graphic.
Description and Foreword: (7/10)
First of all, the little section of quotes in the foreword should be put in the description, before the trailer. The description itself neatly summarises the story and it would appeal to readers who are mulling around. The quotes definitely steps things up, which is why it's better off to slide it in after the description, as some users tend to grow a little weary towards the end of the foreword. There are some grammatical mistakes in both your description and quotes. Here are the first two sentences of your description, italicised so it can be easily identified:
Celestial Cybil is one of the many gifted. Others might have talent in: singing, dancing, and maybe even writing.
But, she, the one named Celestial, was different.
Note that unitalicised sentences are my explanations, and corrections of errors are in bold.
Celestial Cybil is one of the many gifted. Others might have talent in singing, dancing, and writing.
Are you trying to downgrade the art of writing by saying "and maybe even writing"? Is composing a good story not fit enough to be considered a talent? I was thrown off when I read that.
But she, the one named Celestial, is different.
Between these two sentences, you have contradicted yourself by using present tense in the first sentence, but past in this one. Although your story is sent in past tense, it's fine to have it present in the description, and you have made it consistently present throughout the description (not the foreword, as that is quoting from the story).
In the next line, you write "Tell me" however that threw, and still throws, me off as you are including us into the story, and that is quite a gamble. It is you who is narrating the story, not us, so we shouldn't be giving you any of our ideas on how the story would progress. I know you've included the readers in the beginning of your first official chapter, but that is fine.
In your foreword, you have spelt "definitely" as "defenitly" twice in the first quotes of Minseok and Celestial. A common mistake that I will further explain later on, a comma should be put after the word "began".
"I hate you and I most definitely hate the cold!"
"Well, I, my dear, love you and most definitely love the cold!"
"Now tell me," he began, "if I freeze you in ice, will you still be cold?"
The trailer has a nice feel to the story both with the white-themed pictures and background. The quotes tell the story and engage the viewer. The only thing I'd like to point out in the trailer, is that "stories" and "tales" are the same thing, so it's only necessary to have one word.
Story Layout: (3/5)
It is found in novels to have a gap between the margin and the begining word of a paragraph as it makes it easier to identify paragraphis, so it's good to see you have followed. None of the paragraphs are overly long, and you do make frequent divisions, however I'd like to point out one thing. Whenever you introduce a new idea (both major and minor) you always start a new paragraph. Sometimes, I'd come across paragraphs where sentences don't belong in the same chunk and should be separated.
Here's an example:
[Chapter Three: Solivagant] Taking my seat across from the bed, I watched as Saunders tucked her in and bowed quietly before leaving. This girl couldv'e died today and maybe because of that reason I have the urge to take care of her. I stalked over near the bedside, and watched her sleeping face. Her eyelashes fluttered with every breath she took. A long piece of hair covered her and as I moved to clear it away the door opened.
There is one sentence that represents as Minseok's thoughts and should not be put with any actios that are happening. Through the correction, I will also be fixing up errors.
Taking my seat across from the bed, I watched as Saunders tucked her in and bowed quietly before leaving. This girl could've died today and maybe because of that reason I have the urge to take care of her.
I stalked over near the side of the bed, and watched her sleeping face. Her eyelashes fluttered with every breath she took. A long piece of hair covered her cheek and as I moved to brush it away the door opened.
If you're ever stuck, just remember that you should always start a new paragraph if you are separating thoughts from actions or vice versa, or if a new idea is introduced (and "ideas" can range from descriptions to actions to characters' dialogues).
Plot: (8/30)
I apologise for the marks here but this is a category where I feel The Emergence of Ice struggles on.
At this rate, I can't say that your storyline is original as there are many fanfictions out there with the idea of powers, especially featuring the element water and ice. It's predictable to have the rich, spoilt prince/princess to despise his/her environment and try to escape, and I'm not surprised that Minseok is being challenged. What readers will be interested in is how you turn this cliche fantasy plot into your own.
There are a lot of things that need to explained, such as how Celestial demands to ask who her dad was when she lived under the same roof as him throughout her childhood. It's probably implied that they don't, but you need to directly tell us whether Minseok's parents have powers just like him, or the prince is just magically associated with them. If he is alone with his power, how did he come to learn and manipulate it?
I find it bizarre for the King to be kidnapped that easily. If Minseok is a little weak-willed, why hasn't this mysterious him tried to inflitrate Minseok's body earlier, maybe when Minseok is sleeping or when he was too young to hold up his defences? How did this "phoenix" girl just come into the room? The Kingdom must not be so heavily guarded?
The main reason why we are failing to understand your plot is linked with your lack of content description, which this review shop has a category for, so this issue will be further discussed then.
All the questions rotating around my head seem to prove that either you haven't thoroughly planned the plot out, or you're missing some explanations. If you take the time to plan your story, and spend more time writing and editing, then it will definitely win more readers over.
Although you have given your readers a lot of information to process in such little chapters, it is still early in the fanfiction and there is loads of time to improve; one of the perks of requesting with a fanfiction consisting of few chapters.
Characterization: (5/10)
You've introduced the characters quite stably, and I'm awaiting to see how you will develop them and have them adapt to situations. However, I find the personality of Celestial to be a little too much. Sure, readers like to cheer on characters who can stand up for herself and has a heap amount of sass, but the excessive amount of Celestial talking back to the Queen is not only unrealistic, but shines a new, ugly light on her. The words arrogant, snobbish and y can now be associated with the girl. I seriously don't know why the Queen hasn't kicked her out yet as Celestial has acted and spoken like a brat.
Minseok, seems to be typical; wanting out of his "prison", has the violent side of vengence, and the desire to care for someone can stump any other emotion or desire. I think he suits well both with Celestial and the story.
Content Description (4/10)
I see that your story has a lot of potential when it comes to tearing readers' apart and have them caught up in your story, however the story's lack in this category is preventing from that happening. There are two issues to deal with. One, is that there is simply too less information for us to completely picture out each scene, and with that, also breaking the flow of your story. An example would be when Celestial is being "attacked" from the snowstorm in her home. Here, it is all action and no feelings. How is Celestial mentally and emotionally coping with this bizzare attack in her own home? Is she feeling any pain from her arms as they block the ice from her face? You also didn't mention that the clouds had spread from the globe to Celestial, and so a question mark had appeared in my head. The mother's voice is an effective way to manipulate the interest and feelings within the reader however you didn't bend Celestial in reacting to her voice with her own feelings and thoughts; again, just action.
The next problem, is how you explain things. Sometimes, I don't understand what you're trying to make happen in the scene and this results in me losing interest in your fanfiction. An example would be when Minseok find Celestial on the pond. I think what you mean by "ice ripped out from under" is "ice cracks" as something or someone would have to be in contact with the object for it to be ripped. I'm not sure what you mean by "soft bubbles of water puddled at the cracks". Is something making the water bubbly? Also, with Minseok's ice, how did Celestial get on it? That was a pretty big leap.
Those two examples were not the only situations that lacked description, and if you can't seem to see the shattered pieces that makes the flow of your story bumpy, maybe get a beta-reader who's willing to discuss and fix your story as well as correct your grammatical mistakes.
Flow: (2/5)
As talked about in Content Description, how you've written or missed some explanations causes the flow to be very rocky. To add onto that, I think you've progressed into your story a little too quickly. The father's attempt to his daughter was a little sudden but for me it wasn't too rushed, and neither was skipping ten years ahead as it's a pretty common thing to leap over a heap of years in stories. Although you say that Grandma Aelia's visit was short and has been the shortest, all we've read is the quick exchange of hellos, unpacking the groceries, and then she leaves. You have given us a paragraph and a bit on how Grandma Aelia was the only unjudgemental person and took Celestial into her care showering her with kindness, however I still startled seeing "Aeila Barrentine is my life saver". I think if you provided us a memory from back then to further promote Grandma Aelia's value in Celestial's life, then she can be deemed a "life saver". Her sudden and unexpected leave anchored this issue down.
As talked about in Content Description, how you've written or missed some explanations causes the flow to be very rocky. To add onto that, I think you've progressed into your story a little too quickly. The father's attempt to his daughter was a little sudden but for me it wasn't too rushed, and neither was skipping ten years ahead as it's a pretty common thing to leap over a heap of years in stories. Although you say that Grandma Aelia's visit was short and has been the shortest, all we've read is the quick exchange of hellos, unpacking the groceries, and then she leaves. You have given us a paragraph and a bit on how Grandma Aelia was the only unjudgemental person and took Celestial into her care showering her with kindness, however I still startled seeing "Aeila Barrentine is my life saver". I think if you provided us a memory from back then to further promote Grandma Aelia's value in Celestial's life, then she can be deemed a "life saver". Her sudden and unexpected leave anchored this issue down.
The kidnapping of the King feels a bit rushed but I think this has more to do with the lack of description.
Also, please don't rush Minseok and Celestial's romantic feelings towards each other. They are supposed to despise each other, one being a prince and the other a commoner. So far in the fourth chapter, they have done themselves a deal so they are nothing more than acquaintances. Taking your time in bringing them together will build suspense for your readers and make them more curious in your story.
Grammar: (4/10)
I tend to be quite picky when it comes to grammatical errors, and I'm the type of person to turn away a fanfiction if the grammar becomes too unbearable. Your grammar is up to standard, though I didn't find it too satisfying.
I tend to be quite picky when it comes to grammatical errors, and I'm the type of person to turn away a fanfiction if the grammar becomes too unbearable. Your grammar is up to standard, though I didn't find it too satisfying.
First of all, there is the collision of the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (she laughed, he said, they chided) after a character's dialogue, then a comma must be placed before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the word has to be in lower case. You have been doing this, but I have found an example:
[Chapter Five: Woebegone ] "Let. Go. Now." she hissed with furred brows.
Correction: "Let. Go. Now," she hissed with furrowed brows.
However if you decide to put an action after the speech, then a period must replace the comma and the first letter of the word has to be in upper case.
[ Chapter Four: Penumbra ] "You want me to fight?" he nodded.
Corrrection: "You want me to fight?" He nodded.
[ Chapter Five: Woebegone ] "This is so frustrating, Max!" loud banging erupted from somewhere through the darkness "I don't understand anything that's going on right now!"
Correction: "This is so frustrating, Max!" Loud banging erupted from somewhere through the darkness. "I don't understand anything that's going on right now!"
If there's a tag-verb and an action, still follow the rule of a tag-verb.
Something I'd like to point out, is that there are missing commas and periods everywhere.
[ Chapter One: Prologue ] She smiled again "Do it for Mummy,"
Correction: She smiled again. "Do it for Mummy."
[ Chapter Two: Evanescent ] With her same crooked smile she turned to me "I have to leave early today, Celestial, sorry. I'll be back early tomorrow, okay?"
Correction: With her same crooked smile she turned to me. "I have to leave early today, Celestial, sorry. I'll be back early tomorrow, okay?"
[ Chapter Three: Solivagant ] I sat across from her and eyed her breathing pattern "I dont know,"
Correction: I sat across from her and eyed her breathing pattern. "I dont know,"
[ Chapter Four: Penumbra ] "Mother!" a voice half whispered "Please, lower your voice! She's sleeping."
Correction: "Mother!" a voice half-whispered. "Please, lower your voice! She's sleeping."
[ Chapter Five: Woebegone ] "Are you crazy?!" she yelled "I don't even know you!"
Correction: "Are you crazy?!" she yelled. "I don't even know you!"
Enboldening any words or sentences in a story is informal, and you should avoid it. Italicising words are enough to emphasise something; this goes the same with capitalising words and sentences. Here is an example that you should leave italicised:
[ Chapter Four: Penumbra ] Get that through your royally thick skull. Good. Bye."
Near the beginning, I found that you've used an excessive amount of commas up to the point where it loses the effect of the comma. Commas can be used as a way to prevent the sentence from sounding like it's a very long sentence when it is one. Everyone takes a breath in their mind when they read through a comma and because you've used it too oftenly in a sentence, we are breathing too oftenly in our mind thus breaking the flow of the sentence.
[ Chapter Two: Evanescent ] "Hey, Celestial? Open the door, sweetie,"
Correction: "Hey, Celestial? Open the door sweetie."
[ Chapter Two: Evanescent ] However, I envy your freedom.
Correction: However I envy your freedom.
[ Chapter Two: Evanescent ] Still, somehow, I don't remember your father.
Correction: Still, somehow I don't remember your father.
As you can see, the beginning of Chapter Two is like a comma minefield.
Now for typographical errors. I've picked up on quite a lot and I've noted everything in the first two chapters. Italics are quotes from your story and words crossed out are your errors, with my corrections in bold. Sentences in brackets are my explanations if they are needed. There will be some sentences that might not contain typos, but I have pointed out anyway because I do not understand.
CHAPTER ONE: PROLOGUE
The banter, not only emerged banter emerged from her lips, but, lips and her eyes gleamed - almost bursting - brightly with a tender and loving coat.
[ Here the sentence is broken. You start it off with "banter" but finish it with the mother's eyes without linking the two. With the commas and hivens in the way, the problem becomes nearly fully concealed and I almost missed this. What made me go back and read this sentence carefully was when I saw the "not only", because if you say something is not only this, you always have to be saying something else, which means that there should be two points linking to the first idea you introduced. Here you only stated one point of "banter", and that is how it emerged from her lips, but you jumped straight onto how her eyes gleamed. Also take note that the two commas sandwiching "but" are not needed. ]
"You know... this This time, Mommy's not sure... I want to, to."
[ When there is an ellipsis (. . .) the next word's first letter is always capitalised. I'd also like you to know that it is found in novels for ellipsis' to have space between each period. So rather than "...", it's seen to be " . . . ". I myself use the latter and sometimes the period carries onto a new line if it's at the end of a line, resulting in a slightly messy looking story layout, and this is a really neat-picky thing so it's up to you whether you want to change it. ]
"Celestial Cybil..... Cybil . . ."
[ An ellipsis contains three periods, no more no less. ]
I squeezed her hand tighter as a shuttered shudder ran through her torso and her eyes closed.
Blasts from the storm ransacked her body yet... I felt no snow or coldness.
[ Technically, the storm can't ransack her body if it's not touching it. ]
Oh my god, my father is was was having with some other woman.
[ You need to keep your story in one tense; in this case, it's past. ]
I yelled and the figures froze. and I realized a A head lean leaned in my direction.
[ Sometimes "and" can be repeated more than once to emphasise something but in this case it is invalid as the subject does not need emhpasis. As for the "realising" section, how can you realise someone is doing something when you are already staring at the person in the first place? ]
"HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?! MOMMY DIED TODAY DON'T YOU EVEN CARE How can you do this?! Mommy died today don't you even care?!"
[ As mentioned above, capitalising words or sentences is informal. ]
CHAPTER TWO
Mayor Grundy is was such a prude even his rational thinking is was slow, always wanting to protect the people to do what's right.... . . .
Such it might seem normal to the passerby's passerby, but, but to me it's worse than any prison cell could be.
[ Passerby is plural as it's also single. ]
I mean I I've seen pictures of him, but, but I don't have any memory memories of the time we we've spent together.
I can't summon it, it just does on it's own like as if it's its own person who can decides decide when to act.
[ Bit of a tongue twister there haha but no I have not accidentally forgotten to cross anything out or added anything in that shouldn't be there. ]
"I bought the groceries~"
[ This symbol (~) to which I have no idea what it's called is informal and should not be found in writing. Authors here use it to show that a character is singing, and I find it annoying. ]
She said hello "hello" then walked in and started putting away items. All the while, items, all the while leaving out certain meats meat and such to make dinner later.
[ "All the while" is a conjuction which are phrases that join up two sentences. They can not stand in one sentence alone. ]
Her smile was a crooked once one ever since from the time day I first met her.
As I breathe breathed I can start started to see my breath fogging up and a cold air nipped at my exposed skin.
The snow began spilling out into the living room, my room. My eyes closed and I moved to protect my face from the whips of ice being thrown about whipping around the room.
It was pure torturer torture to feel my skin scratching from the rough ends of snow mixed with glass.
The clouds are were blocking my vision completely I might as well be blind.
and the surroundings was were a pure white.
If you read along your mistakes and thought "damn, I shouldn't have made that in the first place" then for your other and future chapters, make sure to edit it before showing them pubicly. However if you don't understand how they are corrected, then I'd advise you to get a beta-reader to help you with your grammatical errors.
Taste of the Story: (2/10)
To be honest, I wasn't into your story. To start off with, I got a little swayed off from the title. I'm not exactly sure why, and this is a very subjective reason, but I don't like the word "Emergence"; it sounds very unwelcoming. The foreword and trailer were okay, but the flow being so rough, your grammar a little wonky and your plot sprouting so many questions in my head, I can't exactly find a reason in your story content for me to keep on reading. However, how Celestial and Minseok will develop their feelings for each other and get together interests me - like any romantic plot - and I am excited to be introduced to their relationship. Nevertheless there is always time to improve and I hope you do just that.
To be honest, I wasn't into your story. To start off with, I got a little swayed off from the title. I'm not exactly sure why, and this is a very subjective reason, but I don't like the word "Emergence"; it sounds very unwelcoming. The foreword and trailer were okay, but the flow being so rough, your grammar a little wonky and your plot sprouting so many questions in my head, I can't exactly find a reason in your story content for me to keep on reading. However, how Celestial and Minseok will develop their feelings for each other and get together interests me - like any romantic plot - and I am excited to be introduced to their relationship. Nevertheless there is always time to improve and I hope you do just that.
TOTAL: (39/100)
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