Problems: Ending Scene - 47
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!problems: ending scene
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » iuletwritings
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » Slice of life, slight romance, angst, mystery
description » "You know I got my problems I know you got yours too" There are problems, problems that don't seem to get solved no matter how much time is passed. In order to solve those problems, can they keep up with the truth that will unveil along the way?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
The title is an interesting pick. I can correlate its relevance to the Description of your fanfiction but not yet to the storyline. This is predominantly due to the fact that your story is just starting out. As I mentioned before, you'll find that most of my comments can only be based on what's currently presented. Please don't be disheartened by the scores. 'Problems: Ending Scene' gives me the sense that it's the last composition of a series, like a trilogy. It does have a mysterious and enticing appeal to it - if I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I would have likely clicked into yours. At this stage, can't say much about relevance and clarity.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster is simple and clear that the story will be centred on Jieun. I rate the chosen image of the idol - her messy hair can be linked to the problematic theme running thick in your storyline. Vibe of the story is mostly decided by the dark shade of the poster - this suggests angst and drama. Hopefully these are the themes that you want to portray on the outset of your narrative? Title is lathered clearly on the poster and matches the story background, which is always a winner. My only suggestion is maybe requesting your username to appear on the poster as well so you have story credits.
description and foreword (6)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
In my opinion, the current Description is a good starting point but it's not strong enough.
"You know I got my problems
I know you got yours too"
There are problems, problems that don't seem to get solved no matter how much time is passed. In order to solve those problems, can they keep up with the truth that will unveil along the way?
I will suggest three edits. One, making it clear what that starting quote means and where it comes from. Change the alignment to differentiate it from the follow-up description, italicise it, change the font, and use punctuation. Is it two sentences or one? This will make the quote a lot clearer and will potentially further entice the readers. Two, establishing more context in the follow-up description. It's not just about pulling the readers in, it's about utilising the best summary of your story so the readers can prepare themselves for the journey they will embark on. We need to at least have an idea of what we're getting into. Your Description is your one chance to sell your story to the readers before they click away, it has to have the best you can offer on one page. Make it count. Whose problems are we going to read about? Who are 'they'? Give some indication on who we're reading about - name-drop a character or two -, or tell us whose perspective we're going to be riding on (Jieun's, apparently). Three, add more. Enhance it. Seal the deal. Perhaps a sentence or two about your main narrator's circumstances, who they are as a person - tease us with their life hopes and desires. Make it relate to your current follow-up description without revealing too much and/or make it correlate with the problematic theme you have created. You need to showcase both the theme of your story (which you have done) and also the main elements of your composition - the characters, the complications, highlights which make your story unique.
Presentation of the Foreword, on the other hand, is exemplary. The layout really sits well with my OCD cells. I love the variance in alignment: disclaimer and credits to the left, characters and side note aligned in the centre. Black and white shades of the characters and their respective chosen quotes further exude the angst and mysterious atmosphere you've cultivated in your Description and Foreword. Wonderful first impression here. Massive thumbs up!
The only thing with the Foreword would be the addition of full stops ( . ) after Hyun Ki and Dak Ho's quotes, like you have done with Jieun and Kai's quotes. Just a small grammatical edit.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
Layout is average with the font, font sizes and divsions all consistent. The chapter layout is simple, I note the grey colour of the chapter adds to the dull and enigmatic vibe of the story. Good stuff in that sense. One matter I will suggest to enhance the layout is separating the author's note a little more from the chapter. There is only an extra line of spacing to differentiate so there is the option of making it clearer. Put more lines in between or change the font or font size of your note. It's the same format as the rest of your chapter so it can easily blend in. The author's note is not part of the fanfiction so you want us to turn off our reading mode and not get distracted from the storyline. You don't have to do this, it's just one thing I picked up on and it's completely fine to leave the layout as it is.
PLOT (7)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 4/10
the effect of events » 2/10
development of plot » 1/10
At this stage there is not much substance or clarity provided to the readers. There are many hints of a past that Jieun has experienced and it's clearly affecting her everyday actions and attitude. At the moment I'm very confused because not much is revealed and explained - I'm not sure what Dak Ho's exact role is, and I imagine his intentions would be clearer once we get to know his history with Jieun. Same goes for Hyun Ki, particularly as he is just making an appearance. And Kai hasn't yet been introduced though I sense he is a major character from your depiction of him in the Foreword. The theme of the base storyline as revealed in the Description is an enticing notion but again, lack of clarity - the readers don't know how to prepare themselves for what's coming. Not many events have occured so I'm afraid I can't give much of a mark here and there is little progression in the development of the storyline. Not to worry though, you are after all just starting out!
characterisation (2)
development of characters » 0/5
character influence on the story » 2/5
Again, I can only mark based off the one chapter that is posted. There is no progress in development of your characters yet but that's completely okay. With this category, just be mindful that by the end of the story your characters should be very different to the people they were at the start of the fanfiction. The story events or the characters' observations should inevitably invoke some form of change in their sense of selves. Development in your minor characters aren't as important as your main ones, but it may be fun to experiment. What I can give you marks for is the character influence on the story. It's clear in this chapter that Jieun controls the direction of the story based on her decisions and reactions. In effect, the story is pushed along according to her feelings and observations. This is strong character influence. Whether you want to keep it this way is entirely up to you and you can also consider how your other major or side characters can influence the storyline too.
content description (6)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 3/5
In your chapter, there are some good sections dedicated to details of the scene which is important in describing the setting to the readers, especially as a first impression of the story. The small things about what Jieun notices in her environment, or the way the other characters act, show a lot about her character and also helps the readers familiarise themselves with your story. For example, the first paragraph of your chapter is a very good showcase of description. I encourage you to keep it up.
One major issue I want to bring up is the inconsistent narration between Jieun and Dak Ho. If you commit yourself to narrating through Jieun's eyes, the readers should be privy to her thoughts, emotions and observations alone and not to anyone else's. This means that we shouldn't be aware of what Dak Ho thinks or feels because we are Jieun and not Dak Ho. It's like if you were interacting with a friend, you'd never know their true intentions and feelings, simply because you are not them. You are you. You only know how you feel, think and observe things. As the chapter is dedicated to Jieun's perspective, here are some extracts where we slip into Dak Ho's shoes, which should be avoided:
It bothered him to meet her again after all that happened, sitting in front of her as the old times. Why was it so hard for him to disappear from her life? To leave her on her own? To just let her do what she prefers to do and leave her by herself. But he could never do that. He wanted to get back at her for what she had done to him.
[...]
Dak Ho was sitting some distance away from them, still staring at both of them. He looked around and then his eyes landed on the glass-fronted counter where a waitress was doing her work.
He raised his hand and waved at her with a slight smile making her give him a chilly stare at him for a second or two and then continuing her work again making him move his hand down awkwardly, fixing his gaze at Jieun again.
What you can do instead is make inferences. Like I said, we are privy to Jieun's observations, so as long as Jieun notices the reactions of Dak Ho and makes inferences off those reactions, or makes assunptions about him based on what he says to her, we can have an idea of what Dak Ho is thinking and feeling. Here is an example where you have done exactly just that:
Dak Ho cackled as if Jieun said the absurdest thing ever, the corners of his mouth forming into a large mocking smile. He rested his chin on the palm of his hand, “So... This was what you wanted to talk about? Do you believe you’ll be able to get rid of me?” Dak Ho leaned close to her, eyeing her blue bruise at the corner of her lips, “Lee Ji Eun, you are mistaken.”
The way you wrote 'as if Jieun said the absurdet thing ever' is an assumption and that's completely valid. This way you are still keeping to Jieun's point of view whilst revealing to the readers the type of person Dak Ho is and lead on the readers about his intentions or plans (evil or not). Note that this also applies to any other character, I only speak of Dak Ho as he is present in the first chapter. Let me know if you need any more clarification.
Further, this excerpt particularly worries me:
Everyone changes, he did too. From a sympathetic friend to an enemy. Jieun, from a cheerful person to a gloomy and dark one.
This seems like a very rushed conclusion to make because one, you are only one chapter into the story, and two, you don't supply sufficient explanation to evidence why you have come to this observation in the fanfiction. Have we seen Jieun as a cheerful person or do you intend to tell us this fact without examples and have her change to a gloomy person immediately? Likewise, have we seen Dak Ho as an ally or are we supposed to just trust what you narrate without any references? This early on, you'd need to incorporate more description so the readers can be on the same page as you or the narrator and understand why you have made such a strong statement. Otherwise, confusion arises and it's hard to enjoy the story when we don't really understand what is happening.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
So far I don't have any issues with the flow. There is a healthy amount of attention on the two scenes you have written about and I encourage you to keep it up. Just be mindful of rushing scenes that can eventuate as a result of a lack of description and explanation. So far so good!
grammar (6)
punctuation » 1/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
There are several punctuation and capitalisation errors that I encountered in your one chapter. The biggest issue is the tag-verb collision. If you end a character dialogue with the way the character spoke, like 'said', 'commented', 'screamed', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation mark ( " ). First letter of the next sentence should be in lower case as if you were continuing the sentence. On the other hand, if you end a character dialogue with an action, like Jieun sitting down at a table, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation mark. First letter of the next sentence should be capitalised as if you were starting a new sentence. Examples are provided below - let me know if you have any questions. The other errors are to do with capitalisation, which I hope can be fixed with another round of edit, slip-ups in tenses and other small mistakes picked out below.
Her black eyes broke eye contact with him and fixated her gaze at her brown coat, “Don’t threaten me, these kinds of threats don’t work with me.” She said as she circled her fingers around the button attached to the lower part of the coat, being careful not to divert his attention to what she was doing.
“The old Dak Ho is dead too, honey” he blinked slowly, looking at the glass-fronted counter behind him which had an array of mouth-watering pastries, cream cakes where she had fixed her gaze, he thought she was looking at the sweet delights but she was looking at the glass-fronted counter. It reminded her of her past self which was so fragile that it almost broke.
He averted his eyes from the counter to her when she replied to him, now looking at him and his mug filled with coffee “my name is Jieun, not honey, .” she rolled her eyes and then looked around the cafe, biting her lower lip when she saw that the people are staring at her.
Her black eyes broke eye contact with him and fixated her gaze at her brown coat. “Don’t threaten me, these kinds of threats don’t work with me,” she said as she circled her fingers around the button attached to the lower part of the coat, being careful not to divert his attention to what she was doing.
“The old Dak Ho is dead too, honey.” He blinked slowly, looking at the glass-fronted counter behind him which had an array of mouth-watering pastries, cream cakes where she had fixed her gaze, he thought she was looking at the sweet delights but she was looking at the glass-fronted counter. It reminded her of her past self which was so fragile that it almost broke.
He averted his eyes from the counter to her when she replied to him, now looking at him and his mug filled with coffee. “My name is Jieun, not honey, .” She rolled her eyes and then looked around the cafe, biting her lower lip when she saw that the people were staring at her.
She had her mousy and limp hair tied into a small bun with a red ribbon, jieun noticed.
She had her mousy and limp hair tied into a small bun with a red ribbon, Jieun noticed.
Jieun tried to tone her anger down by heaving deep breaths with a smile on her face, trying to mask her feelings,
Jieun tried to tone her anger down by heaving deep breaths with a smile on her face, trying to mask her feelings.
Why did she even bother to get out of her house even when deep down she knew that a scumbag like Dak Ho still won’t listen to her no matter what she does?
Why did she even bother to get out of her house even when deep down she knew that a scumbag like Dak Ho still wouldn’t listen to her no matter what she does?
Remember to keep your sentences consistently in past tense.
“I’m taking this, Ae Cha...” she announced making Ae Cha shook her head and then holding Jieun’s wrist to insist her to give her phone back to her, “Don’t touch me. I know your name, you should be scared” Ji Eun pulled her hand furiously away from her, making Ae Cha gulp awkwardly.
“I’m taking this, Ae Cha...” she announced making Ae Cha shook her head and then holding Jieun’s wrist to insist her to give her phone back to her. “Don’t touch me. I know your name, you should be scared.” Ji Eun pulled her hand furiously away from her, making Ae Cha gulp awkwardly.
She picked the mug from Dak Ho’s side, bringing it close to .
She picked up the mug from Dak Ho’s side, bringing it close to .
She picked the rose, putting the box down, and rolled the plastic stem on her palms even when her hands still hurt so much.
She picked up the rose, putting the box down, and rolled the plastic stem on her palms even when her hands still hurt so much.
In reference to above two corrections, there is 'picking up' something, like the mug and rose, or there is 'picking at' something, like picking at their food (because they have no appetite and don't want to eat). To 'pick' something is to choose, like picking one flower from a bunch of flowers or picking a bunch of flowers from a garden. Hopefully this makes sense.
Her leather shoes were getting soaking wet, making it hard for her to run.
Two edits:
Her leather shoes were getting soaking wet, making it hard for her to run.
Her leather shoes were getting soaking wet, making it hard for her to run.
She shook her head, wiping her face with her elbow, and then attempting to run again. Jieun knew she is close to that place, the place where her heart rests. She was finally there.
She shook her head, wiping her face with her elbow, and then attempted to run again. Jieun knew she was close to that place, the place where her heart rested. She was finally there.
taste of story (4)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 1/1
At this stage, I am personally not all for your story. I appeal to the problematic theme that I caught on, the choice of title even though it seems like a series to me, and the immaculate layout of your Foreword. The pace of the chapter and description of scenes are good elements to convince me to continue reading. However, the chapter revealed more grammatical errors than I would have preferred, I'm very confused with the current set-up of Jieun's circumstances and the role of Dak Ho due to lack of context. I'd be eager to see Kai and Hyun Ki's role in the storty. This is just one of your reader's opinion though, and I'm sure you have lots in store for your future chapters. In spite of what I have discussed, I'd say you scored really, really well based on one chapter alone. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of it!
total score (47)
thank you for requesting at lust. we hope you will provide feedback.
Comments