Lamia Lupus
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!lamia lupus
reviewed by ft_stars
the request.
AUTHOR » Angel110
STORY status » On-going
type of request » Standard
chapters reviewed » 13 + Prologue
genres » , vampire, wolf, angst, mpreg. Rated M for violence/swearing, and .
description » Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world.
Love is the blessing that brings two people together.
Love is the power that melts two souls into one.
Love is the strength that gives you wings to fly... but what happens when your wings are broken?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 0/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 1/1
First off, I would like to say that Lamia Lupus as a title doesn't trigger any interest in me, in fact for someone who is really in love with fantasy stories, Lamia Lupus is a bit eccentric for me as the actual meaning for Lamia is not vampire but a mythical monster with the body of a woman or with the head and s of a woman and the body of a snake, said to prey on human beings and the blood of the children. From the description, you have mentioned that Lamia is basically a vampire, which is different from the outcome of my researches are. Please, do be careful of overusing words that you're not accustomed to because some other readers do and they may be irked by the fact that the plot is not what they have been expecting or that some friends of theirs introduce the story as a vampire and wolf story but she comes to know it as something else based on the title.
Next, I would also like to talk about some general punctuations here. I do understand that Lamia and Lupus are basically originated from The Greek Language, however, even Greek Language must have something of a connector for two different nouns or adjectives. If the title is to be translated: Mythical Creatures Wolf. You have to also be aware of punctuations, capitalization, and spellings so that readers are able to know that the author of the story is mature from one glance and they will get through the description in the next few seconds.
I would only give correlation and clarity a point each for Lupus, meaning a wolf and it is related and shows some connections to the story through Tao and the pack he came from. However, I do have to mention over the fact that it might have come to my attention that perhaps your readers are not aware of the title meaning too so, it would be awkward addressing this matter.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
I'm not a graphic designer and there is a clear line which I should not touch but I do have to pick up on a few things regarding the poster. Truthfully, what actually gets me a little bit excited is the graphic as I am a visual learner in the first place. However, as I venture into the story, I can't seem to find the suitability of the vibe from the graphics with the story itself. Even though there has been drama going on in the story, the graphic is not able to grab the mood of the story for me. The story is more of a love story, with revenge induced in it. However, from the vibe of the graphics, I expected some actions, a war or something much more terrible.
However, I have to say that the graphic is related to the story itself with Tao as a werewolf and Kris as a vampire. I don't see any other relations of the story to the graphic itself.
description and foreword (6)
APPEAL of the description » 1/4
appropriateness of the description » 3/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
First of all, the description is poetic, something that would pull a lot of readers who are searching for love, the romance and the bitter sweetness of the story. However, I didn't feel any sort of emotions from the description. It doesn't leave me hanging, it doesn't leave me wanting to read further even though there's the thing with the wings were broken. I would explain my reasons as to why I think that the description is not what I expect of coming from a fantasy story.
The description is heavily drenched and soaked in pure romance, however, I do have to remind you that this is a fantasy story. Other readers who are not interested in pure romance and searching for other alternatives would be baffled at the description. Let's use an example here. The Fault in Our Stars is slice-of-life and at the same time, it also has this romance genre in it. The back of the book where there is a small passage hinting the readers of what's to come is called a blurb but for AFF community, it is also similar to the description.
The Fault in Our Stars:
"Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel's story is about to be completely rewritten."
Or you could also use Harry Potter series as examples in improving your seductiveness in writing descriptions.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone:
"Harry Potter has never played a sport while flying on a broomstick. He has never worn a Cloak of Invisibility, befriended a giant, or helped hatch a dragon. All Harry knows is his miserable life with the Dursleys, his horrible aunt and uncle, and their abominable son, Dudley. Harry's room is a tiny cupboard under the stairs and he hasn't had his birthday party in ten years.
But all that is about to change when a mysterious letter arrives by owl messenger: a letter with an invitation to a wonderful place he never dreamed existed. There he finds not only friends, aerial sports, and magic around every corner, but a great destiny that has been waiting for him... If Harry can survive the encounter."
Usually, other reviewers would say that it is much better to be discreet about the plot of the story, however, giving out a bit of information is not wrong as it helps the readers to really get into the story and what kind of adventure awaits them, even for romance-themed stories
Other than that, there is anything I'm upset or over thinking about. The foreword is neat, the fonts are consistent and I love how neat everything is with the divisions. It actually makes me happy to see that someone is really careful and dearly love their story's appearance.
story layout (3)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
The story layout is quite neat, however, in chapter eight, there is a part in the beginning where you didn't put any division between Tao and Kris part. It gets a little muddle up and I have to reread again because the story, the event and the place just shift completely from the castle to the forest. Please do be aware that you're using two different views and it will surely make a lot of your readers confuse at which one they're at now, whether it is with Kris or Tao. I love the font size and the consistency. It makes the reading much smooth and easier. The overall organization in the story is great with the divisions but if you think that you're going to forget about putting the divider, you can just press enter twice or thrice to divide between settings. I would also like to point out that the paragraphing should have more distance, seeing as it feels uncomfortable reading close paragraphs together.
Overall, the layout is nice but there's that thing about mixed reading between paragraphs I have pointed out that really irks me but other than that, it's full marks.
PLOT (11)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 4/10
the effect of events » 2/10
development of plot » 5/10
For the plot, I would break and organize my review into three different perspectives as a reader, a reviewer, and an editor. As a reader, the appeal of the base storyline is not working for me. Through my preferences in the staff list, you could see that I'm very interested in mystery, sci-fi, fantasy and other genres that are relatable to one another. Breaking this down, Lamia Lupus is a story about two different people, one is a vampire and the other a werewolf and they're deeply in love with each other - going against the current of their world.
Nonetheless, I still have to point out that somehow, in the story, it seems to be cut half and there's no real beginning in the story. I do understand that this is a reoccurring thing with stories regarding vampires and wolves, however, I do have to remind you that sometimes, readers would want something solid in the story. They would want a beginning, like a new born baby. In fact, if you are able to create a really good beginning to the story of the romance between Kris and Tao, it would actually be much more refreshing than other stories.
As a suggestion, I think by recreating Tao's childhood, the time before he was born, the love from his parents and how he met his new family would be great. You can also share their expectations for Tao, seeing as he was worried about the expectations of his 'family' with Kris being his boyfriend and all.
Next, I would like to point out that the plot is a bit all over the place. The reason as to why I'm saying this is because when the story, at first, is focused on the relationship between Kris and Tao. Then, there's the thing with coupling the characters together which irks me a bit. It's okay to do it but you have to be wise. The whole ordeal of the story itself, or the base plotline is Tao and Kris going through hardships as they continue to support and love each other.
Let's take an example from Harry Potter series. You don't actually see it coming from the first two or three books or movies that Hermione and Ron were going to be together at the end of the story. Even for Harry's relationship, it just feels like a bomb exploding because he got married to Ginny Weasley and it's not what something people would expect. However, I do understand with the tags but you still have to remember, the focus is on the story, Kris, and Tao.
But kudos to you as you are still sticking to the actual plot with another pack of werewolves, Heechul and Kibum and the fight over power in the castle. It doesn't make me feel the balance of the story, nevertheless, I have to give it to you because you're still working on the actual plot. But as I have said, it would be much better if you focused on the real deal of the story itself first.
Then, I would like to talk about the effects of events. As I have mentioned before, I always thought that it would much better if I know what's actually going on in the past, with Tao and his family. If I had known more about it, I would be much more sympathized over his nonbiological mom's death. It is okay to write about the pasts as they make much more sense for the future events. I could also relate to Tao's outburst with him knocking down the wolves from another pack.
Regarding V's pregnancy, it creeps me out. It is all over the place, with the death, pregnancy and it feels like it was a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in the board. It is dramatized for no reason because from his personality, V is so gentle and calm, however, the sudden outburst and him screaming makes him looks different in my eyes. Maybe it's just me but a bit of description on how he was in love with his dead boyfriend would be good to show that his outburst was because of love and the pain of the death.
Lastly, I can see the development of the story, slowly but surely. Unfortunately, I have to take off a few points because of a few off the chapters introducing characters, their love lines and it pulls the readers off the track of the actual plot. I do think that the story is actually quite worth to read but you have to make sure that it gets to the point and it doesn't make readers like me feel the need to wait for too long for the actual plot to come.
characterisation (3)
development of characters » 0/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
I'm very particular over characterization and plot but I have to say that I can't give any points for the characterization because a few things that I would discuss soon. But before that I have to clarify I love almost every pairings in this story and somehow, it makes me sad because of the unbalanced plot and pairings. I do understand that a lot of readers on AFF community would read, subscribe and upvote if the story has the pairings that they like, although, as I have said before, you as an author do not have to generalize the pairings and making the story the same as other authors that I have known. A lot of authors here in the community love to mix and match plus mash the pairings together in one story, focusing on them but eventually get side track and the plots go down the hills from there on. Since, this story is an entry for a writing contest, there are specifications that I have learnt from being a judge for some contests before. Judges are prone to get straight to the point and sometimes, they don't even care about the romance between the characters. They want something refreshing, new and just a nice breather out of the entries. I don't want to pressure you with anything, but this is a way for you to improve yourself.
Back to the point, I would break this section into four to five branches. First and foremost, I'm going to discuss Kris. He is the typical alpha vampire, I guess, handsome and just perfect. Usually, people would describe his character and compare it with Gary Stu which is a perfect character. But there are some installations of Kris's past and the future he holds, so I won't say that he's a Gary Stu. But I have to point out something that bugs me a lot throughout the whole story.
He is actually a ruthless person and I do like that he is soft and caring towards Tao but he is still a very cruel person. You might argue about this with me because of the repeated mentions of him as a very kind person. But in the first chapter, threatening an old man because of bad mouthing him and killing his kind because the love of his life was hurt by the loss of his mother and he was enjoying it for a second, points that he's a sadist. So, there's the mix up with personality traits.
And I also want to point out his relationship with Minseok is confusing for me. They are friends but at the same time, they used to had a fling together. The thing that bothers me is him and Minseok acting very close and intimate. For someone that is in a very serious relationship with his boyfriend, I wouldn't be too sure about him and Minseok. Even though they have been friends since childhood, doesn't Kris sees the similarity of his relationship with Sehun and Luhan's, and his and Tao's? Shouldn't he curls in his comfort zone and be loyal as what I see when he is with Tao? Friends don't go around kissing each other's face, even if they had something before.
The same goes for Tao with his family. He is loved by friends and family for his childish like behavior and cute side. However, there still should be something realistic for the readers to make some connections with the story and the characters. I'm not making a comment on them being in the wolves forms and nuzzling each other but at the parts where they're holding and snuggling in human forms. For animals, nuzzling and cuddling or even the snout means that they're saying hello or checking on the other. Humans do it differently so you have to be clear with the line between realism and fantasy.
I also need to point out that in the prologue and the first few chapters, there is a mix between the color of the fur. At one point, it is raven, then brown and back to black. Reviewing as an editor, it is something that readers might notice and it would lead to confusions.
I would like to talk about the events that Tao had been going through. He had just lost his non-biological mother because of a vampire from Kris's clan and the mix of raw emotions actually contemplate in whether or not Tao is a stable character. This is because for a second, he is this jolly werewolf, happy being with his boyfriend and family. He is an omega and from other readings that I have done, an omega is also actually ranked not just only by their ability to suppress their desire but also based on strength so, when Tao was able to beat the wolves from other pack, I had to go through a few chapters because I thought for a second that I had missed something important, maybe secret training sessions with Chanyeol. However, this is not related in grading your points because I might just be too precise over things and want a little bit of realism to balance it with the fantasy factor and not overpowering certain characters.
Then, there is also the fact that Kris and Tao are planning to run away from their home due to the fear of oppositions from their families. The part where Tao still insists in running away, anger and desperation can be seen but what makes me shakes my head is the event being over dramatized. You can see how Tao is actually just trying to talk things out with Kris but then, suddenly, he's angry and throwing fits at Kris. Maybe, a few descriptions as to the burning rage, mixed emotions and the memory pictures of his mother's death would be nice to show that he was unstable at that moment.
The part where Tao was in heat is too constructed and it made the event very unnatural. He was in heat and I can see the smoothness when Kris came and gave him the pleasure but he still was in the heat when Chanyeol caught on them. After that, he went home with Chanyeol and I was baffled because a heat usually could not be contained even for a few seconds based on my cats when they were in heat. So, there's another thing that seems off to me.
I'm ending this section with the minor characters. As I have mentioned before, there's the thing with over appearances from the minor characters and their little love journeys. I feel like it's not needed as it not only lengthen the story but at the same time, as a reader myself, I don't want to be focusing on something that is minor in the story and it would probably side track me from the actual plot. From the example I have given before with Ron and Hermione, it's okay to give hints and fan services but I can't enjoy the story because of them. Also, there's the close relationships with every of the characters themselves. They are too caring and loving each other, with or without romantic feelings towards each other. This applies to them too just the same as Minseok and Kris's relationship.
Overall, the characters are not pleasant to me except for the very minor characters such as the parents and Heechul. There's also the thing with Minseok going on, at how he is grinning at some point and planning something behind everyone's back but I can't see it yet since the other characters are taking the real pleasure from the readers to continue forward with the plot itself.
content description (3)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 1/5
I don't see any lack of quantity but I have to point out that in the first chapter, I do feel like there is too much content for a starter of a story. It kills the mood of curiosity for avid fantasy readers. It should be slowly presented throughout the chapters and it would not just create a smooth flow but at the same time, the story would be much more interesting because the readers would feel like they're in the journey together with the characters.
There is no element of mystery or surprise when readers are able to read from two different views in one story. The story becomes uninteresting with how the readers are able to know firsthand what is going to happen in the future. I do have to say that this kind of approach helps a lot but at the same time, it has to have the magical button or quirks in the story such as Mirai Nikki (Future Diary). In the anime or manga, whichever you prefer, the characters themselves are very powerful in terms of mentality and emotions so, even if you know what would happen, there would still be something that makes you cringe because of the gore or just pure plot twist.
The quality of this story could be better and I could truthfully enjoy it if not for a few things that I have mentioned above. The quality of a story actually reflects the author as a person. I do think that this story has the potential to shine but not with huge contents that needed time to work with.
I don't see any reason as to why not you shouldn't be working on sequels to the pairings or the story itself so, I hope that you would improve as the time comes.
flow (2)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 1/3
The flow of the story is too slow for my liking because of the few peeves that I have mentioned above. The story is too concentrated and saturated towards pairings the characters together. I had to stop reading because of the focus of the story shifted to other characters as to why the late review.
The first few chapters are just idle talk and as I have mentioned before, it would be much better if the story gets straight to the point and focuses on the story itself. Use a few examples and not from AFF community itself. There are few books out there that you can use as preferences. If this story is going for a long road, then it is much better if you read Harry Potter, Vampire Diaries, and Games of Thrones series.
Use a lot of references on how to plan out series of events throughout the whole story and I'm sure, this story could wow a lot of people but for now, improvement is needed.
grammar (8)
punctuation » 2/2
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 1/2
syntax » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
I don't see a lot of mistakes or errors in the story which is good because the review is already about 3000 words and closing to 4000 so, I was delighted reading the story. Although, there are a few spelling errors, awkward sentencing and lack of commas. I also have to point out a few uses of unsuitable words in the story that puts me off even more.
I would take a few examples of the errors in the story.
- wolfish
- aka
- Yifan's throat suddenly went dry and blood cold.
- ...his eyes becoming foggy with pleasure
- ...the younger vampire warned and closed to fridge again.
- ... took a sip of his favorite blood type
You can always use the help of beta reading, Microsoft Words but I would recommend using Grammarly if you're editing the chapters yourself. As of now, Grammarly is free for people who are not using their premium accounts so, it's worth your time so check on it. It has been quite useful for me for a few weeks now and it's really easy to check on small errors here and there. It also helps with punctuations and since your grammar are not a problem, I think that you just need a little bit of help with editing.
taste of story (4)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 2/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 0/1
Do not feel burden or terrible about the grading. They're just there to motivate authors and you should take it with a grain of salt. This story has the potential and what you have to do right now is to improve your writing skills as an author. I do enjoy a few parts of the story, however as I have stated in my overall review, this story could have been an enjoyment for me as an avid reader of fantasy themed stories. The story is quite bare as of right now but I'm sure in the future chapters, it would be much more pleasant for the readers to enjoy. Thank you for requesting and I hope I don't seem too into reviewing the story and picking on a bit too much but I just hope that I could help you with the pros and cons of the story.
total score (46)
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