Bad Girl: Hawaiian Adventures
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bad girl: hawaiian adventures
Being the heartbroken laughing stock of the family, Mirae couldn't find better joy than going to her sister's wedding...
...With the groom being her first love.
The title is ‘Bad Girl: Hawaiian Adventures’, let me just breakdown all the reasons why it doesn’t fit. For one, you made Mirae (cute name by the way) an innocent character who was just unlucky with love, she had a weak heart when it came to people and was very nice, what made her bad?
Also, when you hear the word adventure you think of people going to mysterious places and discovering things, in your story things are just being pushed a little further. Mirae likes Kai; Kai likes Mirae, now they need to admit it, not really an adventure.
Lastly, I just think you would have even more viewers if the name were different. I even want to read it when I read the name, once I started though, I couldn’t stop. I think the name holds it back.
Most of the posters weren’t impressive, the background was pretty boring too. I think the main poster should have been switched with the first chapter’s poster; there was a lot more going on in that poster. It was actually really pretty, the pictures were perfect, and the simple things like the flower with the button just topped it off, it was by far my most favorite.
I really wanted to give the graphics a two but I can’t hate, I know they were made in a hurry since you had one for every chapter, they were pretty good if you count that.
The title left me on my feet; I have the hardest time writing descriptions and forwards so good job!
There are many writers on Asianfanfics and they all have their own writing style. Some put spaces in the most weird places and it would really help A LOT if you put indents in there just so it will be a little easier for the readers to follow.
I took off points only because you forgot some characters like Chen and Tao who you gave pretty important roles to in the beginning. You also stated in the forward that you would focus on all the EXO members in the story, some were only mentioned once or twice.
Lastly, I feel you made Kris’s role a little confusing. I thought you were trying to make it like he wanted to get with Mirae but in the end he married someone else. When you said he was getting married I was like “WAIT WHAT?!”
I feel you gave all the characters personality, this is SO hard to find in a lot of people’s writing, even I have trouble with it. The love story was easy to follow, I could understand perfectly who wanted who, and never got confused, except with Kris.
Hold up, I take that back! Sehun confused me a little at the end, I knew he liked Mirae but I feel you didn’t put enough emotion into his personality, he got really upset when he found out Mirae liked Kai but didn’t say anything when they got together at the end. It made me really confused and I feel his feelings were most needed at the end but weren’t shown.
Also, you never explained the ring he gave her. Why did she have it? Were they in a relationship? Then how’d she just change and go to Kai? These are questions that I’m sure went through more than just my head.
Basically what I’m saying is, at the end I feel the feelings just weren’t explained enough.
Content Description (10/10)
I pictured everything clearly and could really put myself in the middle of the action. I didn’t have trouble following the story at all.
I don’t think the story was rushed it was the perfect speed and I could really take in everything that was happening.
I think things like Mirae and Sehun’s one nightstand should have been explained in more detail, you didn’t exactly explain how they got to that moment which made Mirae seem a little more less innocent than she was.
Grammar: (5/10)
There were many mistakes with the writing where I had to just kind of guess what you meant. You forgot words frequently, repeated things, and at times just had the sentence in the wrong order.
When you are done writing, you should proof read, and if you don’t have another person to also proof read it, you should proof read again.
I enjoyed every detail! I usually like action, mystery, suspense, etc. but you really pulled me in. You truly brought the beauty of love out without making it overly dramatic or unrealistic. You’re an amazing writer, good enough to be published, I’ll check out all your stories and be a faithful reader. KEEP WRITING!
TOTAL: (81/100)
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