Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!curious crimson and his charcoaleyes
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » douxsoleil
STORY status » Completed
type of request » VIP Pass
chapters reviewed » 6
genres » Lorem ipsum
description » beauty is not about ocean eyes, satin clothes and iridescent skies.
beauty is not the first breath of spring, the sun smiling its brightest smile on summer, the leafs falling in love with the ground on autumn, and the coldness of winter seeping in to remind people that warmth is a precious little thing they should treasure.
beauty is not kids chasing each other as they play hide and seek, striking features and soft skin brushing each other.
beauty is him chasing her down the street.
beauty is her running to places she should not enter (like his heart).
beauty is her, im yoona to kim jongin, when she holds his face in her palms and make him feel whole and himself whenever he would fall and stop and too broken for life.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
It's always refreshing to spot a title that doesn't start with the norm words, "the" being a very strong example. "curious crimson and his charcoal eyes" is a title well planned, introduced and elaborated on in the story, the way you have portrayed the 'crimson' in Jongin's character really made me smile. I detect the alliteration in there, and not to say that I love the study of English and like a teacher, really approve of embedding techniques as such, but I do acknowledge it, and you haven't scraped away any further hint of symbolism, so a well done here. Some people may not root for lengthy titles, but I am not one of those people, and the dominant use of "his" really enacts the romance genre of the story. The only there here, is that grammatically, the title should read "Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes". I will be talking more of your punctuation habits in Grammar a lot later in this review.
graphics (0)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0/2
correlation to the story » 0/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
There are no graphics so I cannot award points in this category.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The description is very compelling, and gives an insight to the story as well as a taste of your writing, namely the artfully descriptive language. It is clear that Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes has an extreme component of romance, and the description prepares the readers for it. Everything is consistenly aligned to the centre, giving it an overall tidy look. Full points here!
story layout (3)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
Occasionally there are random spots in most of your chapter where there would be a larger division in between paragraphs, which makes it confusing for readers because for people like me, when I see a division I take it that the author is trying to set up a new scene, switch perspectives, or something similar. Also, in your first chapter, you put the indent function into use, but don't keep it up. It's good to see you embolden the titles of the chapters, as well as keeping the font consistent with Georgia, but at Chapter 5: her, then and now, I notice that the font went down a size, and I think I can see it a greyer shade compared to the other chapters.
PLOT (26)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 9/10
There is a very distinct storyline built on in Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes. There are a lot of background information for the readers to process, and the amount displayed in the story probably dominates the amount of content regarding the characters in the present. Jongin and Yoona have a history together, and how they reunite blends well with this. Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes has a very strong plot, that is developed upon, but the consecutive time lapses has resulted in many holes altogether. In the story, yes you mention that Jongin had an unfavourable encounter with some gang, and there is a vague hint along with "bandage wrapped around his head", but it isn't 100% clear to the readers that Jongin, because of that unfortunate incident, suffered amnesia thus forgot about the existence of Yoona. You did inform us of this in one of your author's notes, but they aren't a part of your story, so if you author notes hypothetically weren't allowed, how are the readers supposed to know that Jongin had a chunk of memory missing after being brutally beat up, and having lost his memories of Yoona at that. Up until that author note, I had the constant question running in my head: "If Jongin's love for Yoona was so strong, how could he just forget her like that?"
Other big holes in the story include, what becomes of Jongin and Yoona now? What exactly happened after Jongin read the letter? Did Yoona leave? Introducing Yoona's brother and her family conflicts may have been a little off-track, because just how strongly does Yoona feel for her family, to leave them for six years straight without contact? Where does Jongin's caring for Yoona when she was in the psychiatrist ward fit in? Has Yoona completely recovered now?
Half of these questions, or perhaps all of them, may be the result of my lazy reading, so if these questions are, in fact, answered in your chapters, I do encourage you to enlighten me. However, I feel that you've explained al ot of the story through various hints and red herrings throughout the story, as proven when I read over your story a second time, but what you may find clear, may not always be as clear as your readers will interpret.
characterisation (6)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
Jongin is a very immaculate character, very determinted in achieving what he sets his eyes on and knows that's what he wants. This is clearly shown through his passion for ballet, and Yoona's love. He's a very head-strong character, and obviously a very handsome-looking one at that. I think he matches extremely well with Yoona, seeing as she's the type to play hard-to-get but isn't very forward about it, letting things to go their own flow. I found that it was very cute of each of them to inch closer to each other, and become fairly close as friends (or not), and eventually, become a very sweet couple. Now, for the development, it's a bit hard for me to grade you on this, because in the story, yes, Jongin falls hard for Yoona, and vice versa, so there is obviously character development there, however, if you look at the bigger picture, everything's set in the past, so whether the two characters develop in the present, isn't tangible in the story. Again, with character influence, I guess all the flashbacks pose as a problem. The characters play a very significant role in the story seeing as every decision they make change the course of the plot, so I'll grade you the highest in terms of what happened in the past.
content description (9)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 4/5
You have a beautiful talent of putting the element of descriptive language into good use. Whilst zooming through the story, I found myself immersed into the story with everything playing out without difficulty, and getting lost into the picturesques. From what the characters look like, to each and every one of their actions, and how the events are played out, I can just see it all. A good handful of qualitative description plays an immense role in winning me over as a reader.
One thing that is quite important to bring up, is the perspective of which the story is told through. You need to stick with one unless you put a clear divider in between indicating otherwise. There are many times in the story where chapters would start with Jongin's perspectives, yet Yoona's and Soojung's thoughts and emotions are revealed to the readers.
flow (2)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 1/3
If you look at the story in a broader picture, everything seems to flow together seamlessly, but really, the leaps are too big and, as evident in Plot, a lof of information is cut off, not directly detailed, and so it leaves the reader assuming this and that. One thing I do notice, is that you mention a lot of important aspects at the beginning of the story, but really, the full impact comes at the end, and you don't reinforce much, so the impact of what I feel from Curious Crimson and His Charcoal Eyes, isn't as strong as I know it should. For future references, you should carefully consider the best way to reveal information through your chapters, especially how the readers can cope when everything is spread out along the story. No one really pays that much attention to each single word you write in the first few chapters of the story. It's not a given that we can all pick up on the clues you leave behind.
grammar (6)
punctuation » 1/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
Keeping all your sentences in lower case is fairly aesthetic, I would voice out personally, however, it does defy all the rules of proper grammar, and with the absence of periods and commas accompanying dialogues and sentences in general, your punctuation score is in effect, fairly low. I'm sure you are aware of these rules, so I'll save myself some time to not explain things like the tag-verb collision, and in the corrections I have made below, I have not bothered to amend the said flaws such as capital letters and full stops.
The main problem here aside from the improper punctuation present in the story, is that sometimes you'd go off-track in terms of keeping the grammar in the same tense. I have picked out some examples from your first two chapters, and honestly, it's a bit taxing to explain. I think I would confuse you more than I would inform. So I guess, if you cannot come to realise your mistakes, then I would suggest reading more novels so that you can adopt further knowledge of keeping everything in its consecutive tense.
CHAPTER ONE: HER
the flaws, they are still there, jongin doesn't listen to people and keep hurting and blaming himself, that he didn't practiced enough. jongin was like that, constantly finding flaws in each things that he did.
the flaws, they are still there, jongin doesn't listen to people and keeps hurting and blaming himself, that he didn't practice enough. jonging was like that, constantly finding flaws in each thing that he does.
not this time. i got some things to take care of.
not this time. i've got some things to take care of.
boys should be interested in this kind of things, [...]
boys should be interested in these kind of things, [...]
he had chosen to reject soojung's offer to come to the after party and choose to practice until he feels like he couldn't stand anymore.
he had chosen to reject soojung's offer to come to the after party and chose to practice until he felt like he couldn't stand anymore.
CHAPTER TWO: SECRETS AND HIDDEN FEELINGS
"you seem them people obeying tules turn out to be? boring"
"you see them people obeying rules, what do they turn out to be? boring."
or
"you seem them people obeying rules, and what do they turn out to be? boring."
im yoona is a mistery for him.
im yoona is a mystery for him.
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 1/1
I am a bit surprised at the overall score of this review. As a little messy as everything was, I still found myself much enjoying the story, and was honestly expecting to give fairly high scores in this review. Nevertheless, I concentrated in keeping my comments originating from a reviewing persepective, and not so much as a reader. You've hit the jackpot, featuring Kim Jongin, and because your amazing descriptive talent, I fell and kept falling for him. I also loved the character of Yoona, and am not exaggerating a bit when I say I believe they are a perfect match for each other. I thoought the flashbacks were appropriate, but again, the hints were all over the place, and there was so much background content I felt like a big chunk of me was really looking forward to how things played out in the present, after the six years. I did enjoy the story overall, I just can't seem to express how in love I am with your description!
total score (75)
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