characterisation (10)

development of characters » 5/5

character influence on the story » 5/5
 

This category was also very impressive. It's obvious that you had each major and minor character planned out and you knew exactly what each of their roles were. Specific habits which define each character went a long way to make them all super realistic, believable and enticing. Most prominent with Jongdae, the history of each character didn't raise any questions whatsoever and each held a great impact on the story. As discussed previously, there was really good closure supplied to the readers regarding how Jongdae came to be who he is today. Explanation of his family background, small but sufficient snippets of his time in military service, his first romantic experience with Jimin, and what Jongdeok thought of Jongdae in the past and present. These scenes tied together smoothly for an unquestionable development of Jongdae's character as the narrator of the story, which is an extremely hard task to accomplish. 

Minseok's mellow personality contrasted interestingly with Jongdae's introverted and intimidated persona. I particularly liked the addition of his individualistic habits and the way you portrayed them, for instance, his obsession with cleaning and how he has (a minor case of?) OCD. His preference to drink his beverages by lipping the whole rim of the cup almost had me screaming - it's a habit I do myself though only when I make coffee at home, which is at least once a day. I'm not sure about Minseok but my explanation is that I like to get rid of the froth that the coffee leaves. Looks easier to clean afterwards! No doubts here that you've showcased Minseok to be an honest and believable character. His slight mysterious and observant traits enhanced the typical formula of a do-gooder character, being considerate, nice, friendly, etc. Minseok's unfocused care for Jongdae prevented the labelling his makeup to be cliche and unoriginal. This enabled enjoyment of Minseok as a supporting character without rendering him to be plain and boring. 

And lastly, some great variety with the side characters. There are more prominent supporting characters like Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Yixing, and less major ones like Lu Han, Sooyoung and Jimim, all of who were briefly mentioned but weren't nonsensically brought up or made an appearance without a productive purpose. This gave off the impression that although the story setting is relatively small, each major or minor character holds much importance, and that's one of the beauties of your composition.

    content description (9)

quantity » 5/5

quality » 4/5
 

Generally I'm really happy with the quality and quantity of description used in your narration. You provide plenty of background to Jongdae's past as an explanation of who he is today, as well as Cafe Amaranth's history. Excellent balance between use of character dialogue and descriptions of scenes and character reactions. Narrating with elongated sentences is clearly a defining feature of your writing style and really amps up the emotions that the characters exhibit, especially with Jongdae. I did not feel there was any major aspect that lacked description and required elaboration. In particular, I'm really impressed with the way which you make it blatantly obvious Jongdae suffers social anxiety with newcomers and with any moment that threatens exposure of his uality. You do this by contiunously describing the way he feels and what he would rather think of himself, instead of broadly labelling it as 'anxiety' or 'trauma'. And an emphasis on continuous - it isn't just a handful of sections here and there portraying Jongdae's emotional turmoil. An exceptional job with depicting Jongdae's character. Other descriptions are just pleasantly tasteful, for example this extract from Chapter 2:

Their faces are so close, Minseok's gaze soft as he admires Jongdae's earrings, lips slightly parted in his natural pout. He has a tiny smattering of freckles on the outside edges of his cheekbones, very pale, invisible from any further away, and his eyes - God, up close his eyes are even more breathtaking than he’d imagined. So dark, yet so vivid. Minseok is so beautiful it makes Jongdae's chest ache in a way that’s entirely different to the anxiety.

Really good utilisation of showing Minseok's beauty rather than leaving it as 'Jongdae thinks Minseok is pretty'. I could really picture Minseok's face as the words come, which is exactly what we want when narrating each scene to the readers. We can't assume that the readers will believe the narrator if there is only telling and no showing. Below are some issues that are fairly small, and quite nit-picky to be honest. I picked them out to be super thorough in what I believe may help to further improve your writing, though I think you have this section in the bag. Keep at it! 

Some sentences in your narration are particularly long, which sometimes drags on the reading tone and may affect enjoyment. Used sparingly, exceptionally long sentences can be impactful for the reader and the narration. However, overuse can lead to exhaustion and lose the technique's intended effect. Below are some examples from Chapter 1.

The new café across the road takes shape. Jongdae tries not to be too obvious about staring out the front window as Yukhei’s senior Lu Han, and the other man, still nameless, prepare the place for opening, but Baekhyun unashamedly lingers every time he clears the front bar.

The small city of Daejeon, and his family home, is a two-hour drive south. Jongdae doesn’t have a car, KTX is expensive, and the provincial buses are truly terrible, so he accepts his brother’s offers of a ride, and does his best to keep up a cheerful chatter and not let the atmosphere in the car grow too awkward. His brother has just proposed to his girlfriend - fiancée, now.

A good indicator of when the sentence is extremely long is the repetitive use of commas ( , ) without the period ( . ) to conclude the sentence. A traditional sentence uses two commas maximum. Again, elonged sentences can be very effective when used sparingly but if they are used excessively to the point where it becomes the norm, they can exhaust the readers. You can think of using a comma as the reader taking a very quick breath whereas a period is a temporary pause, allowing for the reader to take a short break. So, if I, were, to use, a lot of commas, in this sentence, as exaggeration and in pretence that all these words were multiplied, it would be the equivalent, of, inhaling frequently within a short, period of time. Separating some sentences into two or more may do no harm, keeps the read fresh, and may emphasise tone and meaning of the scene or plot. This is somewhat subjective so it is up to your discretion to see whether you would like to take note of this point or not. The main takeaway is to be aware of dragging on a sentence longer than necessary, which would risk boredom and reading fatigue (to be a little dramatic, but I hope you understand my point).

Another example below from Chapter 3. Note the use of truncated sentences in the last two paragraphs to contrast the long sentences. Using short sentences to contrast the long ones introduces excitement to the reading pace. I would accept extremely lengthy sentences when describing Jongdae's anxious thoughts or overwhelming emotions, in articulating the extent of his panic. However, more ordinary descriptions such as describing how Jongdae would usually act around his family, doesn't need to be emphasised with elongated sentences (in comparison to Jongdae's daily mental and emotional turmoil). In these instances, I would recommend breaking up the length of your sentences to retain the powerful effect for when you do want to emphasise overwhelming thoughts and feelings. 

He sits in the backseat of his brother’s car for the drive down to Daejeon, because his brother’s fiancée, Eunji, is coming too this time. He feels more like a child than ever as he stares out of the window at the passing fields and hills and valleys with their little townships, while his brother and his soon-to-be sister-in-law discuss the merits of buying an apartment versus a house, calmly discussing the potential number of future children and the likelihood and variety of pets, the zones for the best schools, and other, impossibly domestic things. Jongdae cannot connect to it any more than he can connect to the ten-minute argument Jongdeok has with a prosecutor on his earpiece halfway there, full of incomprehensible legalese.

They arrive mid-afternoon. Jongdeok presses the doorbell, and their father answers the door, letting them in with a quiet greeting before disappearing back into his study. Their mother is in the kitchen already, with their aunt, and when Jongdae goes into the kitchen and greets them politely and rolls up his sleeves, his mother sighs heavily, but doesn’t comment. They work without speaking, the kitchen filled only with the classical music playing from the radio, and Jongdae loses himself in the familiar motions of preparing the traditional meal.

Dinner is no worse than he expected. His father asks his brother about work, and his mother asks Eunji about all the plans they’re making for their wedding in the spring. Nobody speaks to Jongdae directly beyond things like “please pass the kimchi”, and he doesn’t have the heart to force his way into the conversation. He picks at the dishes he’s spent all afternoon preparing, but he has no appetite, and the little he manages to swallow sits heavy and uncomfortable in his stomach. He stays at the table only long enough to be polite, excusing himself by pretending he has to make a phone call, and exhales only when he’s closed the door to his childhood bedroom.

On another note, I noticed that you overuse 'say' quite a lot. The majority of 'maybe this is how spring comes' is based on dialogue, so it's important to use as many synonyms as we can to keep the read fresh and interesting. I had actually read your story twice and didn't pick up on this aspect the first time round. So though woven in subtly, it's almost glaringly obvious if a reviewer or a reader was paying close attention to the way dialogue is presented. To illustrate this, here's a massive excerpt from Chapter 1 again where I've emboldened every time 'says' was used:

“Not officially,” Jongdae says, refusing to let his smile slip. “It was more like an apprenticeship. A couple of guys who used to work at Amaranth taught me all I know, but we do employ a certified Korean chef too. How about you? Did you go to culinary school?”

Minseok laughs. “No. You’re going to laugh at me, but I can’t even really cook. I spent every spare second between setting up last week practicing muffins and soup. I can follow a recipe if I focus, but I set the smoke detectors off twice before I figured out that setting a timer is really important.”

“What made you decide to open a café, then?” Jongdae asks curiously.

Minseok’s eyes go a little dim. “I always wanted to work with animals,” he says. “Doing it as a vet didn’t work out for me, so I figured this was the next best thing.”

There’s something painful there. Jongdae finds himself wanting to reach out. “You’ll help both animals and people this way,” he says, praying he isn’t overstepping the line. “So many people can’t keep pets of their own. You’re going to give a lot of people joy.”

Minseok smiles, the brightness coming back to his eyes, and Jongdae nearly sags with relief. “That’s the idea,” he says. “I call it cat therapy. Do you have any pets?”

“No,” Jongdae says, “but I might be coming over rather often now that I’ve found out how cute yours are.”

Minseok laughs. “You’re welcome to come play with them any time,” he says. “They need as much socialising as possible, especially the younger ones. They’re more likely to be adopted if they’re friendly with people. Just message me if it’s after hours and I’ll let you in. I live upstairs so it’s no trouble.”

“Are you sure?” Jongdae asks. There’s something welling up inside him, pushing at the corners of his lips, trying to make his smile too bright. “I wouldn’t want to bother you.”

“We’re neighbours,” Minseok says simply, holding out his hand for Jongdae’s phone. “Neighbours have to stick together.”

Jongdae watches Minseok scan his KakaoTalk code, their phones chiming happily as they connect. Minseok looks up and gives him another bright smile. He’s so free with them.

“You might regret this,” Jongdae says as he takes his phone back.

“Never,” Minseok says. “Oh no, I’m being a terrible waiter, aren’t I? Talking your ear off instead of serving you.”

“It’s okay,” Jongdae says. “I like your style of waiting.” And oh, he didn’t mean that to come out flirtatious, complete with the coy upward glance through the lashes. Jongdae’s fingers tighten on his jeans, laughing quickly to turn it into a joke. Minseok laughs too, and the relief makes Jongdae’s head spin.

“Good to know,” he says. “What can I get for you?”

To reiterate, they were subtly woven in. However, once I caught wind of the repetition it was hard not to notice for the remainder of the read. Including scene actions and character expressions are a good replacement of using 'says'. Some instances you do vary the scene narration with actions and character expressions but you do so to complement 'he says' or 'she says'. What I mean by replacement instead of merely complementing is that you can substitute 'says' entirely with those actions and character reactions. So you don't need to write 'he says' or 'she says'. This would lessen the number of times you use 'says' in your narration. Usually it's quite clear who said what so it should be harmless to negate the manner in which the character speaks aloud, especially if there are only two characters present in the scene. Hopefully this makes sense, happy to clarify further if you need. Another option would be to replace 'says' with synonyms according to the mood of the scene - words like 'exhales', 'chuckles', 'grins', 'whispers', 'murmurs', etc. 

Across the board, you've been very diligent in providing background to the story, particularly with Jongdae's past. This is important where the fic is short. I am 99% happy. However, this section from Chapter 1 may fare better with some elaboration:

Jongdae’s hand twitches on Haru’s scarred side as his traitorous mind provides him with a wealth of possible suggestive comebacks to that. Jesus, he thinks, ruthlessly shoving the thoughts back down. He has to get a grip on himself.

This part here I felt could be helped with some examples of what Jongdae's traitorous mind was speaking. Though you have done an excellent job introducing Jongdae to the readers, at this early point in the story he's still a very new character along with the rest of the story, so we shouldn't skip over examples and assume that the readers are already familiar with their narrator. This was the only part where I thought elaboration could have benefited the ease with which the readers absorb their narrator, and it's quite a minor pick-up. You've done really well with the rest of the chapter and the fanfiction. To further illustrate my point, here is an extract from Chapter 2 where you supplied an example and did wonders to reveal how Jongdae perceives things:

It shouldn’t be so hard to tell Baekhyun. One might think it was simple, just a sentence, a couple at most. It's not hard to think of the words. He's come up with hundreds of variations over the years. Baekhyun, he could say now, I appreciate your efforts on my behalf, but I’m more interested in the Minseoks of the world than the Sooyoungs.

That one example was very powerful to showcase exactly how Jongdae thinks. Again this is important because we need time and description to familiarise ourselves with the story's characters, quite particularly the narrator. Not hiding the narrator's true thoughts and the manner in which they think and perceive situations allow us to truly understand them. Then we make an opinion on them, and then we decide whether we like the characters or not.