Heist of a Lifetime
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!heist of a lifetime
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » p-sehyuk
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 8
genres » action, adventure, crime, friendship
description » Krystal used to be a thief/heist planner but now she's just working an ordinary job. However, she was pulled back into the life of crime after a visit from her ex-boyfriend who was also her partner in crime. She then assembles a crew to steal an emerald, but things escalated quickly. Krystal and her crew then travel across the world with a new target in sight.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is distinctive and appealing, bound to draw in action-driven readers looking for a new adventure. Relevance is clear and unquestioned with its strong link to the storyline. If I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I would click into yours. Though I'm sure the story would eventually lead up to the reveal with more chapters released, I would like to see what the meaning of the title is. At the moment it appears the heist is a new job Krystal has endeavoured to do after a few years' break. What would make this particular heist 'one of a lifetime'? Tieing together the storyline and title would demonstrate effective planning of the fanfiction and boost reader enjoyment.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster is an eyeful with all the story's characters displayed so there is no question who's involved in the fic. Generally I would prefer only the major characters to be included in the story and the minor characters to be excluded, but each of these characters make a significant appearance in your current chapters so I have no issue with the current image. The colour scheme is visually appealing with the overall vibe of the poster set by the dark hues contrasted with muted red hues. Additionally, I like the texture the opague spiral brings to the poster, adding to the intricate and sophisticated look of the poster. The bullet hole stationed in the top middle part of the poster is relevant to the plot and suitable to the action-packed vibe of the poster. Presentation of the title is coherent with accents added to make it clear in the poster, which is great to see. We want the title to be one of the first aspects the readers lay their eyes on. All thumbs up here.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is very relevant to the storyline and is extremely well written. It accurately gives a glimpse about what the plot will entail and snags the reader's interest with the use of rhetorical questions. It's succinct without any unnecessary hints thrown in to deceive the viewers on first impression. Excellent job with the Description.
The Foreword is clean and simple with introduction of the characters aligned to the left. I like the change in colour with G-Dragon and Jin Hee, clueing in the readers who have an eye for detail. No complaints here.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
I'm quite happy with the story's font, font size and spatial divisions. Consistent use of these three aspects give your chapters a polished and organised look, visually impacting reading flow for viewers. Additionally, I like the uniform use of different font when identifying location and time of new scenes. Keep up the regularity of these elements so your story continues to present a polished layout.
PLOT (19)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 8/10
development of plot » 8/10
It's clear the storyline is action-packed with adventure and hints of messy romance driving the plot in different directions. Readers who appeal to adventure should be interested from the start of the read. There is a great handful of substance making up the storyline, with different presentations of action scenes, locations and strategies incorporated in the heist. Effect of events and development of the story are quite strong with how much action has happened in your current eight chapters. The plot is constantly moving with each new scene, which is great to see.
However, it's difficult to pinpoint the uniqueness of Heist of a Lifetime. This problem stems from the weakness of characterisation, content description and flow of the story, which I will discuss in the next few categories. The result is that your story doesn't appear to be much different than any other action-filled plot with old and new romance tied into it. What is currently presented in your eight chapters is a group of people travelling to another country to perform a crime. What brands Heist of a Lifetime as its own? At this stage, this is not yet too concerning of an issue as your story is just starting out, but it may be helpful to keep this in mind as you release more chapters. At the moment, it's hard to see how unique the story is going to turn out due to the lack of characterisation, content description and fast-pace of the read. See how you go.
characterisation (4)
development of characters » 1/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
There are glimpses of the different personalities your characters hold in the story, but due to lack of description which I'll discuss in the next category, your characters don't have much individual flavour. During scenes, you occasionally pinpoint how some or each character is reacting differently to situations. For the most part however, Krystal, Rosé, Taehyung, Hyun Bin and Yeoh react similarly to each other to the extent that they seem like the same person. Everyone thinks and acts like Krystal and Krystal thinks and acts like everyone. Particularly with using multiple main characters, we want to see individuality in each one. If they're all acting similar to each other, what's the point of having so many characters? Why not just one? Again, this highly relates to including more description about each character, which means giving more time and attention to them so that the readers can smoothly identify what makes each character special, but Characterisation is unfortunately a weak point in the current writing.
Development of characters is at the moment very minimal. We want to see each main character change throughout new scenes and occurrences. The end result is that the major characters should be very different at the finale of the story than who they were at the start. In real life, this is relatable. Do we live each day meeting new people and coming across new situations to stay the same person as we were five years ago? Do we think and feel the same way now as we did fifteen years ago? Like us, characters should be developing and/or changing in stories.
Krystal appears to be the same strong, smart and driving character throughout all current eight chapters. As your story is ongoing, this is not necessarily a problem yet. She should have time to develop and/or change. If your story was finished and she remained the same person, I would be very concerned. There are lots of opportunities for your characters to develop and invoke change in thoughts and feelings. They've travelled to different continents and some have not gone on such intense adventures, namely Rosé. What does being in a different country and continent mean for each of your main characters? Are they reflecting on who they were before the heist and who they are during the heist? As a starting point, use Krystal, our narrator. She was resigned to a comfortable and quiet life, and now she's back to her old ways. What does this mean for her? Is she experiencing a new or old thrill, or nothing at all? Does she intend to go back to the average life she wanted before G-Dragon showed up at her home? Among other questions, I hope you can answer these in your future chapters.
The other characters are similarly lacking in development, which I hope will change soon. The only one I can comment on in a more positive light is Rosé. She had come from poverty with not much to go off by and tried to make ends meet on what she can. Clearly, the new environment Krystal brought her into has had a significant impact on Rosé. We saw that she was extremely excited at the start of the heist and played quite a role in most of the action scenes. She has clearly changed from the thieving and vulnerable side the readers were introduced to at the start of the story. I would be eager to see what kind of character she ends up turning into by the end of the fic.
Last but not least, I invite you to rethink the roles your characters are playing. Who are your actual main characters and who are the side characters? To put into perspective, Hyun Bin, Taehyung, Yeoh and G-Dragon all share equal story time in the fic. Do you intend for these characters to all have equal value to the story and to Krystal? Our main narrator has known Hyun Bin and Yeoh from the past - what's the back-story? What's the difference in their relationships to Krystal? Have they all worked together closely in the past or only in a one-off heist? As of current, we've seen the most of Krystal, which is great to see as our main narrator, followed closely by Rosé. Is Rosé more of a main character than the others are? It may be useful to reflect on the current value of your characters and decide who are the major ones, and how you will identify this to your readers.
content description (3)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 1/5
As of current, your story lacks a lot of descriptive language to set the scene for the readers. I found the chapters focused on a lot of action and character dialogue in scenes without sufficient content description. It's easy to forget to include description of locations in the narrative but this is paramount so the readers stay on the same page as new scenes are introduced. Absence in pinpointing what settings look like lead to readers picturing out these scenes themselves, and every reader creates imagination in their own way. Likewise, description of characters are equally important. When writing fanfictions in particular, it's extremely easy to forget the necessity of introducing the appearance of idols since we would already know what these characters look like. However, it's important to depict the appearance of your characters so the readers can follow along as situations happen. Describe facial appearances, clothing, bodily gestures. Make your characters in your story come alive and the action in your scenes seem realistic and believable to the readers. One frequent and major issue I suggest improving on is your habit of telling us what's happening in the story instead of showing. Show-don't-tell is an effective technique to boost quality of writing and feed into reader enjoyment. Showing scenes in your narration would effectively require more content description, whereas telling scenes make the narrative tone very bland and simple. Particularly with action scenes, I want to see more detail in how the escalated situation is playing out. Any story can say the main character throws a kick here and a punch there. How is Krystal doing it exactly, and to all these burly men who are presumably bigger than her?
Here's an example from Chapter 2 - And So It Begins where describing the location the characters are in would have been useful:
Once they were done scouting the entire place, the three of them sat around a table. Krystal took a moment to come up with a plan, and after a moment, she began to lay it out.
What does 'the entire place' look like? This is a new setting so you should give the readers some detail to go off by. Is the village crowded and noisy, the atmosphere humid and sweaty? Or is there room to move around, the crowd not giving much for our characters to blend in with them? A lack of content description makes the settings used in stories very generic. Each reader would be picturing something different in their head because they aren't given anything from the chapter. We shouldn't see this happen.
On the other hand, there are pockets of descriptive language setting the scene and narrowing the window for open interpretation. Here is an extract from Chapter 6 - When in Rome (Part ii):
Both Krystal and Taehyung heard the voice through their own earpieces, respectively, as they began to make their move. To their initial surprise, the store's storage room was actually bigger than the jewellery display area. The two of them find themselves in a hallway with two doors on each side. Placing their faith in Yeoh, they head towards the first door on their right.
Describing the location, which is the store's storage room, helps the readers follow along the story as the characters find themselves in new places. This is good to see as it keeps the viewers on the same page. Similarly in the same chapter, here is a snippet of Krystal's feelings being described as opposed to simply telling us what they are:
And just like that, she felt the now much more familiar sense running through her body, albeit only for a short while.
The sense of warmth and comfort.
Instead of merely saying 'Krystal is starting to like Taehyung', you show us exactly what Krystal is feeling without stating the obvious. This is appropriate as we are in Krystal's point of view and she has not yet realised what her feelings mean. This then allows the readers to better understand Krystal as the main character and narrator whilst also absorbing the effect Taehyung has on her, and potentially on the readers themselves. Additionally, the contrasting use of the shorter sentence, 'The sense of warmth and comfort', temporarily changes the reading flow as it's different to the long sentences typically used in other paragraphs. This creates for an impactful read and I encourage more use of it. In this example, the effect is that the readers are able to understand what Krystal is feeling for Taehyung on a romantic level and perhaps even feel this 'sense of warmth and comfort' themselves. This is the power of descriptive language and makes all the difference in what is high quality narration and what lacks engaging content.
Likewise, this paragraph narrates what the characters are wearing as the new scene starts, allowing the readers to picture out what is being described in their head:
Krystal donned a short lace red dress that drifted off into a mildly fluffy skirt. On the other hand, Taehyung was wearing a white tuxedo shirt with a black bow tie. He turns his white waiter jacket inside out, revealing a black tuxedo jacket with one visible button instead of the two on the waiter outfit side.
This keeps the readers on the same page and doesn't allow room for any confusion. We want to see more of this. On a grammatical note, see how you used both past and present tense in your narration. I will go over this in further detail in Grammar, but it is important to stay consistent with using either past or present tense, and not both.
Another issue I picked up on was your occasional use of colloquialism. An example is from Chapter 4 - A Proper Giza:
"Alright then, show's over," Although her eyes were a bit red, Krystal did not actually shed any tears for G-Dragon. "Now, back to our original plan."
Inserting the word 'actually' makes the writing tone casual and informal, which is not necessarily something we want to see in stories. When the story is in draft, it's okay to write the chapter how you think of it in your head, but make sure to exclude colloquial words so that we are sticking to the formal layout of written compositions.
Furthermore, there are occasional times you switch character perspectives. It's clear we are absorbing the story through Krystal's point of view and it should always remain that way through each scene. Here's an extract from Chapter 2 - And So It Begins:
Rosé noticed that Krystal was staring at the car next to them and she immediately understood what was going on. As Krystal sneaked away, Rosé thanked the driver and followed Krystal's lead.
In Krystal's point of view, we shouldn't know that Rosé noticed what Krystal was doing and 'immediately understood what was going on'. Krystal is staring at the car, therefore the readers are staring at the car. By being told what Rosé is understanding, we have momentarily switched to her perspective, which shouldn't happen. Another example from the same chapter:
Rosé opened the car door, took the briefcase, and closed the door right after she got out. She then threw the key right beside the SUV, so that the driver might think that he must had accidentally dropped the key on his way out.
Again, we've momentarily switched to Rosé's perspective by revealing the reasoning behind Rosé's actions, being 'so that the driver might think he must had accidentally dropped the key on his way out.'
A further issue, though one that popped up less frequently, is a habit of inserting unnecessary narration. Sometimes it's a matter of repetition that deems these extra words unnecessary, other times it's almost like you're talking directly talking to the audience from author to reader. Here's an example from Chapter 5 - When in Rome (Part i):
Rosé nods, and comes up with a follow-up question, "What if you fail to hit the target?"
You don't need to say 'comes up with a follow-up question' because it's obvious she's asking another question. You can simply say 'Rosé nods and asks', or 'Rosé nods and asks again', or if you really want to include the 'comes up with', you can say 'Rosé nods and comes up with another question'. Or even if 'Rosé nods and follows up with...'. It doesn't look like that much of a difference and it is more of a nit-picky point, but there are several times extra narration was inserted to the point it's redundant to include these words. Unnecessary narration can impact reading flow for some audience.
In all, there are quite a few issues you can work on to improve your writing. Some are minor such as use of colloquialism and occasional unnecessary narration, but the major one I recommend focusing on is incorporating more content description in the story by showing not telling in your narration. Think of the new scenes you have introduced and are about to use in your next couple of chapters and ask yourself: am I giving enough content to the readers? This is especially important with an action-based plot. We want to guide the readers to living the story the way we want them to instead of leaving a lot of details to their own imagination. As you use new locations, show us what the settings look like. What are the characters wearing? How are the charactes reacting to new situations? How does Krystal throw a punch or make her kick, etc?
flow (2.5)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 1.5/3
The flow of the story travels at a really fast pace. A lot of different locations are used in the storyline and we meet a lot of new characters. We go from a village in Korea to Egypt to Genoa all in the span of a few chapters. There's no issue with taking your time in each location so the readers can feel it out whilst absorbing the storyline. Flipping through these new scenes and locations at a fast pace gives the impression that your story is not yet written out completely, like it's still in draft-mode and what we are reading is your story plan. Take your time with narrating this story, particularly with some many fresh occurrences happening in each chapter. Inserting more content description about many components would improve the current flow of the story.
One example of the story being too rushed is the apparent death of Hyun Bin. As mentioned above, he had appeared to be a relatively integral character to the story, then he is taken out with a single bullet. Our main narrator, Krystal, is barely thinking of him as an afterthought. This ties in to the absence of more description, but his death doesn't feel real. You should take the time to explore how Hyun Bin's fall affects Krystal, particularly as they are closer friends than anyone else is with Hyun Bin. Why are we seeing a greater reaction from Rosé who had only just met him? Be more weary of how much detail you are putting in to the more intense parts of your story, to ensure the plot is coming across more believable and a smooth reading pace is maintained.
grammar (6)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 0/2
There are quite a few grammatical mistakes littered throughout your scenes, stemming from two major problems I suspect you aren't aware of and would need to correct your understanding. The first issue is the tag-verb collision, which is a common mistake a lot of writers don't know about. With the tag-verb collision, if you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation marks ( " ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation marks. Examples are below but please note these aren't all the ones I came across.
The second problem is the constant switch from present to past tense. It's crucial to stay in the same perspective. If you're switching back and forth, the narration becomes confusing. What happened in the past and what's happening in the present? Pick either past or present tense and stick to it. When you're narrating in the present tense, past tense is used for scenes that have happened in the past. Throughout your chapters I came across a lot of instances where you were narrating the present but past tense was used. Examples are below.
Chapter 5 - When in Rome (Part i)
Rosé nods, and comes up with a follow-up question, "What if you fail to hit the target?"
Rosé nods, and comes up with a follow-up question. "What if you fail to hit the target?"
When she reached the restroom at last, Krystal saw Taehyung standing on the opposite side of the door. Krystal proceeds to stand beside him, also waiting for her turn. The two remained quiet, but not for long.
When she reaches the restroom at last, Krystal sees Taehyung standing on the opposite side of the door. Krystal proceeds to stand beside him, also waiting for her turn. The two remains quiet, but not for long.
It seemed like nothing was happening at first, but then Krystal was stunned when the receptionist started to giggle. Krystal leans forward as the receptionist fiddles with her pen while occasionally gazing at Taehyung.
It seemed like nothing is happening at first, but then Krystal is stunned when the receptionist starts to giggle. Krystal leans forward as the receptionist fiddles with her pen while occasionally gazing at Taehyung.
"Alright then," Taehyung smiles at the receptionist before turning his attention to Krystal. "Let’s get into the lounge, shall we?"
"Alright then." Taehyung smiles at the receptionist before turning his attention to Krystal. "Let’s get into the lounge, shall we?"
Krystal stared at Taehyung in disbelieve as Rosé and Yeoh jumped off their seats and made their way into the lounge. When it was Krystal's turn, she gave Taehyung a short glare before entering. But before she could enter, she heard Taehyung say thanks, sweetheart to the receptionist. There was no reason for her to get jealous, but alas, she did.
Taehyung did an awkward jog to keep up with Krystal and taps her in the back.
Krystal stares at Taehyung in disbelief as Rosé and Yeoh jump off their seats and make their way into the lounge. When it is Krystal's turn, she gives Taehyung a short glare before entering. But before she can enter, she hears Taehyung say 'Thanks, sweetheart' to the receptionist. There is no reason for her to get jealous, but alas, she does.
Taehyung does an awkward jog to keep up with Krystal and taps her on the back.
"If you really like him," Yeoh finally turns her head to Krystal. "Just go and tell him that."
"If you really like him," Yeoh finally turns her head to Krystal, "just go and tell him that."
Once again, Krystal stood there in confusion. She never agreed to a fake relationship with Taehyung, but she decides to play along. Somehow, the word 'girlfriend' from Taehyung was like music to her ears.
Once again, Krystal stands there in confusion. She never agreed to a fake relationship with Taehyung, but she decides to play along. Somehow, the word 'girlfriend' from Taehyung is like music to her ears.
Chapter 6 - When in Rome (Part ii)
"Oh please help me, kind sir!" Rosé placed her hand on her forehead as she screamed. "What's the ring worth?"
"Oh please help me, kind sir!" Rosé places her hand on her forehead as she screams. "What's the ring worth?"
"Okay, Yeoh, lead the way." Krystal whispers, and a voice appears in her earpiece.
"Okay, Yeoh, lead the way," Krystal whispers, and a voice appears in her earpiece.
Both Krystal and Taehyung heard the voice through their own earpieces, respectively, as they began to make their move. To their initial surprise, the store's storage room was actually bigger than the jewellery display area. The two of them find themselves in a hallway with two doors on each side. Placing their faith in Yeoh, they head towards the first door on their right.
Both Krystal and Taehyung hear the voice through their own earpieces, respectively, as they begin to make their move. To their initial surprise, the store's storage room is actually bigger than the jewellery display area. The two of them find themselves in a hallway with two doors on each side. Placing their faith in Yeoh, they head towards the first door on their right.
Chapter 7 - Road to Glory
"Identifications please." The man said to Krystal in a serious tone.
"Identifications please," the man said to Krystal in a serious tone.
"This little detour is gonna save us a lot of time." Krystal says once they were out of the guard's earshot.
"I guess studying this place's layout during the flight really did pay off." Taehyung teases, and Krystal shrugs in return.
"This little detour is gonna save us a lot of time," Krystal says once they are out of the guard's earshot.
"I guess studying this place's layout during the flight really did pay off," Taehyung teases, and Krystal shrugs in return.
Yeoh and Taehyung understood their task and made their move, but Rosé stayed put.
Yeoh and Taehyung understand their task and makes their move, but Rosé stays put.
"Those are his guards, dressing like ordinary visitors." Krystal explains after seeing the confusion in Rosé's face.
"Those are his guards, dressing like ordinary visitors," Krystal explains after seeing the confusion in Rosé's face.
Even though her eyes were fixed on the fabric, she could tell that the man was looking at her the entire time.
"In these kinda places, we need to maintain our appearance." She says softly as her fingers are busy working.
"Yea—uhh—I agree." Taehyung replies with a shaky voice.
Even though her eyes are fixed on the fabric, she can tell that the man is looking at her the entire time.
"In these kinda places, we need to maintain our appearance," she says softly as her fingers are busy working.
"Yea—uhh—I agree," Taehyung replies with a shaky voice.
taste of story (2)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 0/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1/4
length of your story » 1/1
For me, I found the writing of Heist of a Lifetime too rushed for my liking. As discussed above, there is a signficant lack of description which is necessary for me to absorb the story, both plot and characters, and it shows me the quality of an author's writing style. This is especially important with an action-based plot. If you're skipping over the details, what makes this story different from any other action-filled storyline? In particular, the rushed flow significantly affected my enjoyment of the read. I would have appreciated it if you took your time with each scene, giving more attention to detail especially with the use of numerous different locations and characters. As an example, if we saw more of Hyun Bin individually as a character, his apparent death could have come across more impactful to me. I thought the budding friendship he was developing with Rosé was cute and I may have enjoyed seeing more of it. However, he appears to be taken out of the story already, and I don't feel much for it. Another opportunity that could be used to get the readers feel more connected to Hyun Bin is providing Krystal's back-story with him. We are after all in Krystal's shoes. We should know who Hyun Bin is to Krystal and what he means to her. How is his death affecting her? It's the little details like these that are significantly lacking in your current chapters that you skip over, and so I can't say I'm enjoying the read. This is just one reader's opinion though, and as your story is just starting out, there are lots that can be done for improvement. I hope you don't feel too discouraged. Keep writing!
total score (60.5)
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