When Dreams Come True
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!when dreams come true
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » karmachameleon
STORY status » Completed
type of request » Cut-the-Queue
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » slice of life
description » Yixing's encounters with his fiancee's odd sister leaves him surprised. She isn't the most polite person around, but there's something about her which makes him realise that he isn't doing the right thing by rushing into marriage.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 1/1
When viewers first look at "When Dreams Come True", the deduction of it is that there's a main character, and he or she is fighting hard for their dream or goal in life, and of course, as stated in the title, it comes true. Your storyline does relate to this, but not entirely, because the fanfiction goes off-track with Yixing's love interest. We know that Yixing's dream is to enlist, and be a high-ranked soldier, but this dream only takes up a small portion of the story, therefore, the significance of his ambition is debatable. Especially with the ending of When Dreams Come True connecting Mei with Yixing, romance obviously plays a heavy part in the story, and coming back to Mei isn't exactly Yixing's dream, is it? So you went a bit side-tracked here, which takes off the impact and significance the title holds to the story, though the correlation is still evident.
graphics (1)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
There aren't set graphics assigned to your poster, so I shouldn't, but will give you a mark since you've captured Yixing in a uniform.
description and foreword (4)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 1/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1/2
Similar to the previous category, you don't really have an official Description and Foreword for When Dreams Come True, which I guess is bothersome when it's a part of a collection of one-shots. I'll be a bit generous here and treat what you have at the beginning of your one-shot, as the Description. It's very bland, with one sentence. It does summarise the storyline, but it isn't very engaging. It doesn't capture the readers' attention and pull them into the story. I do like the pink colour though, it sends out a gentle vibe, with the flowery layout.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
Generally, the font and sizes are all kept in the same tidy manner. However, one thing I do need to mention, is that I find it completely unnecessary to have such big divisions between each paragraph. One tap of 'Enter' is sufficient enough. Another thing is, when your characters have more to say, you tend to put them on separate lines. You should keep them consistent by not dividing characters' dialogues when they speak consecutively, and, as most editors keep them all in one paragraph, readers who are familiar with this way of editing may be confused with who's actually speaking. Below are three examples.
“My name is Mei,” she introduced herself.
“I’m Yu’s sister,” she added. Her face remained stoic as she walked towards him.
So it should be:
“My name is Mei,” she introduced herself. “I’m Yu’s sister,” she added. Her face remained stoic as she walked towards him.
Since it's all in one passage, "she added" isn't really necessary as the readers will know it's the same person talking, but it's not incorrect to have it there.
“You’re the unfortunate soul, who’s marrying her, aren’t you?” she quipped.
“I pity you,” she went on.
“But I doubt it would be so bad. My sister Yu isn’t the most intelligent or the most caring girl around but she’s a pretty face. And I’m certain it was the only thing you looked for.”
“You’re the unfortunate soul, who’s marrying her, aren’t you?” she quipped. “I pity you,” she went on. “But I doubt it would be so bad. My sister Yu isn’t the most intelligent or the most caring girl around but she’s a pretty face. And I’m certain it was the only thing you looked for.”
“They are the only ones who let me talk.
The rest think I’m crazy.
I can hear them, I am not deaf, and I can hear them pretty well.
And I can comprehend their words.”
“Also, yes, you may sit there.”
“They are the only ones who let me talk. The rest think I’m crazy. I can hear them, I am not deaf, and I can hear them pretty well. And I can comprehend their words. Also, yes, you may sit there.”
PLOT (23)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 10/10
I wouldn't say When Dreams Come True is based on a very original storyline, therefore it takes away the interest in the story. When it comes to labelling what's cliche and what's not, I as a reviewer usually look for components in which authors use and manipulate to drive their story up there and shout "look, this is my story". In other words, events or symbols that differentiates your story to others. There are many ways where you could have gone about this, whether you spring a bigger plot twist than the old fiancee-dumping for someone else, or you bring a bigger spark to one of the characters and/or their ambitions. This of course, requires more content than what When Dreams Come True currently offers, and I think this is a big problem for all the one-shots out there: what can you keep short, but still hone in that striking element in your fanfiction?
There is clear development in the plot, as there is a beginning, middle, and end, and Yixing's stumble upon Mei definitely has changed things around for the story. I quite like how you've sent everything out, with the introduction to the fanfiction being the party Yixing asked for, and the sweet ending of Mei waiting for Yixing who promised to come back for her. I think you've developed everything particularly well. So for your future story-making, I'd advise that you carefully consider how distinctive you would want to make your story, and exactly how can you achieve that through your writing and creative thinking.
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
Yixing seems like a very soft and gentle character, tending to jump into things in which he values (his marriage) without so much as thinking of the consequences (Yu not being his ideal woman after all) or what things truly are. Yu seems like those typical stuck-up characters whom don't have space to consider compassion and consideration, so I really question how Yixing hadn't seen this side of her until the party. Mei spends a lot of time by herself, therefore hasn't seen much of the world, and is anxiously nervous around people, which is all in all, very understandable and realistic. However, although I am able to describe each character with clarity, I feel like the emotional chunk of my connection to the characters, is missing. When Yixing is irritated with Yu, I am not, even when it's clear that Yu is a dislikeable person. When Mei is describing her struggles as a mentally ill person, I don't feel much sympathy for her. I think you should have put more content in the characters, perhaps more explaining rather than continuously launching in the action and dialogue. My response to the characters is a result of the lack of content, so instead of deducting marks in the category, this will forward on to the next one: Content Description. I have explained it here solely because it correlates with characterisation and my understanding of your characters.
content description (7)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 4/5
You provide a lot of descriptive language, which is always a plus because I will always notice bare settings and scenes both as a reviewer and a reader. It just impacts me significantly, a few undescribed scenes will put me off for the whole story. Everything in When Dreams Come True is set out well, and I can easily picture things happening. You also explain things very concisely. Aside from what I have noted in Characterisation, I would like to bring up an invalid method of telling the story to your readers. Most of the one-shot, save the ending, is set in Yixing's perspective. So in those sections, no other characters' thoughts and feelings should be revealed to the readers, unless it is inferenced from Yixing. An example would be when Yixing had a conversation with Mei in her room during the dinner, and the readers are told information such as Mei's unfrequent habit of avoiding conversing with people, and how she is usually the one who opens . This is a very vital piece of information as it further decribes Mei's character, however, the story at this point is told in Yixing's point of view, therefore, we should not be knowing this, espeically since Yixing wasn't directly told nor could he have drawn that out. There are many other cases; the bottom line is, stay in one perspective until you put a clear division in between sections of the story.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
It isn't hard to terribly tamper the flow of a one-shot. All the events in When Dreams Come True connected with each other well, nothing too rushed and unreasonable. The pace is very even and controlled. I'm pretty bad at excessively complimenting, I have a lot more to say when I criticise. So a big well done in this category.
grammar (9)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
Your grammar is adequately competent, though I did rake up some mistakes. I have noted all that I found in only the first half of your one-shot. I would like to thank you for allowing text-selection because when I correct mistakes in reviews, I take excerpts from the story, so copying and pasting honestly saves me so much time than tediously typing it all out. If you are interested in improvement, the only thing I would advise is to look into expanding your vocabulary into a more sophisticated level, and incorporating it into your writing so you can have a clearer understanding of definitions.
What irked him more was Yu had been incessantly bragging about him and his well-reputed family, which made think that Yu hadn’t cared much about anything else other than his title and his hefty inheritance. There was no denying that their arrangement had been for purely political reasons; [...]
What irked him more was Yu had been incessantly bragging about him and his well-reputed family, which made him think that Yu hadn’t cared much about anything else other than his title and his hefty inheritance. There was no denying that their arrangement had been for purely pure political reasons; [...]
The swing began to creek as he moved to and fro, not too fast nor too slow.
The swing began to creek creak as he moved to and fro, not too fast nor too slow.
He furrowed his eye-brows, trying to figure out if he had been introduced to the girl, perhaps he had and he had forgotten.
He furrowed his eye-brows eyebrows, trying to figure out if he had been introduced to the girl, perhaps he had and he had forgotten.
Yixing, who was utterly bewildered with the girl’s words, took a minute or two to regain his senses.
Yixing, who was utterly bewildered with the girl’s words, took a minute or two to regain his senses.
"Minute or two" is put in the wrong context here, especially since you're talking in the past tense. When writing out actions for the readers in the past, everything should be certain - that is, there shouldn't be options. You either took a minute, or you took two. You can take a minute or two, but once you 'took' it, you shouldn't have the option now. Does this make sense?
“Would you like a drink from the bar?” he asked, this time hoping she would say yes.
“Would you like a drink from the bar?” he asked, this time hoping she would say yes.
Yixing asked Yu the question, then he asked Mei. In all, he asked both sisters the question once, therefore, "this time" in accordance to Mei is invalid.
“So, Yu, how did you two meet?” One of Yu’s friends cooed while they others gently laughed.
“So, Yu, how did you two meet?” one of Yu’s friends cooed while they others gently laughed.
Turns out you cannot do that and you’d apparently violate someone’s privacy by tagging along with them everywhere.”
Turns out you cannot do that and you’d you'll apparently violate someone’s privacy by tagging along with them everywhere.”
The other always seemed to get repulsed whenever she spoke; she expected Yixing to do the same thing.
The others always seemed to get repulsed whenever she spoke; she expected Yixing to do the same thing.
He could see how the windows had grils on them, unlike the rest of the house.
Okay so here, I'm not sure what "gril" is... a typographical error perhaps?
taste of story (6)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
One-shots are difficult for me, simply because it just lacks so much content compared to chaptered stories. The difference is just so incomparable, the length of one-shots and chaptered saying it all. The cliche components were touched on, and the only components featuring in When Dreams Come True. There wasn't really anything that defined your one-shot. As said before, I didn't emotionally experience the story alongside your characters, though I am impressed with your writing style. You've got your content description and grammar solidly down, so there are just a few other areas that need work on. I hope this review was helpful for you, and happy writing :).
total score (73)
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