{pick-me-up by weishenme}

Story Title (1/5)

I wouldn't say it's the best title for your story as when my eye first caught it, I thought I'd be in for an angst story. You didn't explain how much misery Sehun was experiencing and didn't show how Luhan had made Sehun a better person, therefore I don't think your title is suitable for your story. If you are to keep the title, however, I'd say you should drop all the hivens and capitalise the first letter of each word.

Graphics (-/5)

You should get a poster and background for your story. Graphics set the vibe of the story and it is quite an important aspect when it comes to attracting readers.

Description and Foreword (2/10)

Because it's a oneshot, it's fine to put a one sentence description, and it's appealing too. However, the sentence gives off the impression that you are creating an angst story, which you are not. Descriptions are supposed to basically summarise your story but there has not been one area where you have mentioned "pick me up" so you should re-write your description.  The foreword is fine.

{Story Plot}

Characterisation (17/20)

I don't see any major problems with Luhan but the development with Sehun needs work. This is mostly related to content descriptiveness so I will be elaborating on that later on. We see that Sehun is growing closer the Luhan but we don't feel it and the key point to making a successful story is to connect it to the reader and drive them into the main character's shoes.

Originality (6/10)

It is a little cliche; the main character is going through hard times until someone comes around to help them through their misery. Eventually, the main character falls in love with that person. So no, your story isn't all that unique but the content that comes after the background information is what makes it different from others.

Flow (1/5)

This is a category you need work on. You rushed the events and didn't state the specifics. They lacked dialogue so I couldn't see the relationship between Luhan and Sehun. I don't know how much time has passed in every scene, a day, a week, a month? You were only focused on describing what Sehun was feeling but forgot all about the settings and speeches. Love doesn't come with just the snap of a finger and you it is important to take your time developing the lovers' interactions and make the special and memorable. I thought that every new emotion Sehun was experiencing was left unexplained; how did it come like this? What could have possibly happened to urge Sehun in thinking this?

At other times, the introductions of Sehun's thoughts were too abrupt, for example, after Luhan's first meeting with Sehun, he felt that his life was going to change. It was a gut feeling, but could you perhaps explain that? What made him so sure that his life was going to change?

Conflict twists (7/10)

There is only one twist in your story and that is the ending of your story. It surprised me but I guess I was still feeling the shock of how fast you had rushed your events. It was a good twist though.

Content Descriptiveness (2/10)

Okay. So, the biggest thing that I found bothered me the most is that you didn't show scenes of when Luhan interacted with Sehun to make the latter open up and 'be free of his misery'. The reason I put that in quotation marks is because that you didn't really show the readers what kind of state he was going through before he met Luhan, so you should elaborate more on that. Your story contains plenty of description viewing Sehun's thoughts about Luhan so obviously I shouldn't feel that I was being left in the dark. After some pondering, I realised that it was because you didn't put in scenes where Luhan and Sehun verbally interacted. Dialogues are very important as it establishes the relationship between the two said characters.

Also, each time you would start up a new line of thought of Sehun's something important would have happened beforehand to cause him to think those things, except you never really told us the situation. I was left really confused while reading.

I didn't like your ending at all. Not only was it abrupt, it's not a suitable to end any story, oneshot or not. I wasn't sure how to feel after reading your ending. And that brings me to another point. How is this story labelled as "fluff"? This again circles back to the fact that you needed to include more scenes of Luhan and Sehun.

I'm just a little confused as to what the actual plot is... Is this a story about friendship or romance? Is Sehun actually being saved from his misery - was he even going through that in the first place?

Besides that, I really enjoyed your descriptions and I would have connected the story if you had written the story plot out better.

Grammar (14/15)

Your grammar is nearly-perfect. Aside from one common problem, I only came across some mistakes that you could fix if you gave one last look over your story.

I spotted a typographical error: "accidently" should be accidentally.

On the fifth paragraph of your story, you've referred to two males when saying "he" therefore causes the sentence to be perplexing. Simply replace the second "he" with Sehun and you're all set.

Many authors get confused with the tag-verb agreement. When putting a tag-verb (he said, she cried, they yelled) after a dialogue, a comma is required and the first letter of the next word should be in the upper case. When an action sentence is put after the dialogue, you put a period and capitalise the first letter of the starting word.

Quote: As if he knew what was on his mind, the boy offered his name, "It's Luhan."

Correction: As if he knew what was on his mind, the boy offered his name. "It's Luhan."

Quote: "It's usually polite to respond to other people's offer." He said amusedly before taking off.

Correction: "It's usually polite to respond to other people's offer," he said amusingly before taking off.

Just a little mistake here:

Quote: He realised that he was only saw and knew one side of Luhan.

Correction: He realised he only saw and knew one side of Luhan.
 

Taste of the Story (2/10)

I didn't exactly dislike every bit of your story. I didn't get the plot, the events came way too fast for me to process, there weren't enough scenes between Sehun and Luhan, and it had a bad ending. But I guess what had earned you those two marks is the description. I really liked it, especially when you described Luhan as the sunlight shining through the leaves of a tree. That made me smile.

I'm sorry that I came out a little harsh and I'm berating myself for giving out such a low review but I honestly think you need more work on the oneshot.

Score: 52/100

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