Unimpeachable Fugitive: Rebirth
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Unimpeachable Fugitive: Rebirth!
There’s a price to pay when you commit yourself in a crime.
It’s either death penalty or spending the rest of your life in prison.
Losing both her parents and the love of her life was hard.
Being called a ‘thief’ by the whole nation didn’t make her life any better.
Changing her identity at least helped in finding a job.
23-year-old Jageun who was now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low.
She's now taking the risk in finding her first love who lost contact with her all of a sudden.
It’s either death penalty or spending the rest of your life in prison.
Losing both her parents and the love of her life was hard.
Being called a ‘thief’ by the whole nation didn’t make her life any better.
Changing her identity at least helped in finding a job.
23-year-old Jageun who was now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low.
She's now taking the risk in finding her first love who lost contact with her all of a sudden.
>> reviewed by exoexoexolellel
Title (3/5)
Definitely one heck of a title. Every one of the three words contribute to the aesthetics of the title. "Unimpeachable" and "Fugitive" conflict each other, because how can a law-breaker be entirely trustworthy? Adding "Rebirth" just drvies everything on. However, there is one question floating around in my head, and maybe you will fix this up later on in the story. Byeol isn't a fugitive if she left prison after fulfilling her sentence. She's free to go; she's not a fugitive - unless this has something to do with your one-shot as I have not read it. And also, I wonder how "rebirth" will fit into all of this. It's too early in the story for me to judge on anything.
Graphics (5/5)
It's really something, hey? I am loving the contrast between Byeol's figure and the background. The black and white brings out the angst atmosphere of the story, and so does the background. I don't know why, but I really like the positioning and angle of the quote. . . I guess it really makes the poster shine in a wordy way.
Description and Foreword: (7/10)
Every sentence is worded in a gripping way. You've outlined the story quite well and it definitely urged me to read the story. I like how you made the description grey as it gives off that mysterious, vague feeling, and that's really luring and engaging.
I like how you colour-coded the character charts, provided the background information of each character and displayed HD gifs. The dotted boxes are really nice.
However there are a few things that you should fix.
First off, I got thrown off when you already let out the fact that Krystal and Luhan are going to get married soon. I would much rather have preferred that information revealed painfully and teasingly in the story. It is up to you if you would like to go back on that and change it.
Something that I found popping up multiple times was when you wrote "was" instead of "is". "Was" belongs in the past tense, so if you say something was something, it is no longer happening. For example, "23-year-old Jageun who was now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low." Does that mean that Jaguen was known as Byeol? No, she is now know as Choi Byeol.
This mix-up also happened in Luhan's character chart (What would happen if Lu Han finds out that his first love was still alive?), in Krystal's (She was is engaged to Lu Han two years ago and they're getting married soon.) and also in Victoria's (was now working as a fashion designer. She was ( could be "is", I'm not sure) is married to Nichkhun Buck, a famous American fashion designer. She still keeps contacts in touch with Lu Han as he was is her favorite hoobae. She was a friendly girl and she was somewhat related to Se Hun.) You have to be very careful with words that fit the sentence, but conflicts with the context.
There is also a common mistake many people make, and that is the spelling of the word "a lot". Up until recently, I have too have been writing "alot", but it is one of those cheeky words.
Quote: Byeol was Se Hun's home tutor and he disliked her, alot alot.
A spelling error that I picked up in the little information box at the end of your foreword: "frienship" should be friendship. (Yes I do pick up on these sort of things :P)
The grammatical errors here and there did throw me off a little, but it wasn't too bad.
Story Layout: (5/5)
The spacing and font of your story is fine. It's good to see you adding an extra line to clearly divide different scenes.
Plot: (22/30)
I haven't come across many stories where the lead characters' parents are expert robbers. I like the idea how the male lead comes and visits the prisoner, but just disappears one day without a word. It's nice to see that the society frowns upon Byeol and have a fashion designer stand up for her. I was really glad that you made the role for a girl because if I were given an overview of the plot without the knowledge of which characters would be a male or female, I would have guessed that the fashion designer (and saviour of Byeol) would have been a handsome, heart-melting male (as it is a straight fic). So I was very glad to see a female for a change.
There is this one question that has been revolving around my head ever since the first sentence of the starting chapter, and that is: how come the child gets arrested if it's the parents' wrong-doing? I understand that the higher-ups would think that Byeol is out to rob banks just like her parents, but the most they can do is put her into custody with someone under a close watch. Putting her into jail is unrealistic, not to mention 5 years as a lesser punishment. That issue just bothered me, but it's your idea, your story. I'm not here to correct your plot, I'm here to point out things and advise.
On the point of making your story realistic, I find it a little strange that Victoria would take it upon herself to offer a stranger - and not to mention, a newly-let-out-prisoner - into her home warmly. I don't think it's enough reason that Byeol happens to look like Jessica.
And on that note, if you're trying to conceal the fact that Byeol may be the Jessica, I think you should work harder, because that's definitely what my instincts are telling me.
Characterization: (5/10)
I love how you introduced Byeol's mother, putting her straight into the first scene of the story. Just from the first sentence, we know that the mother loves Byeol very much. Throughout the short time that you let them live, they are portrayed to be the adoring parents, and I have no complaints about that. Luhan is the typical lover - always making promises to never leave the lead character. You haven't stated exactly where Luhan went and what he has done so I can't judge that far. I like the lady officer who monitored Byeol's jail cell; I can easily link her to Byeol's own loving mother, which was very smart of you.
The appearance of Victoria was quite nice timing and I like how she displays her cheeky side right away. Hopefully, that is her true personality and she is not a cold-hearted person inside. I'm not sure if I like how easily Victoria puts her trust in, such as when she abruptly reveals that Byeol looks like her long-lost sister Jessica.
As for Byeol herself, I definitely like the uncertainty she holds within her. She sounds like an indefinite, confused person and I'm referring to the part where she doesn't realise her parents have been executed. I'm surprised that she hasn't exploded in fire during the five years worth of trapped in a cage. Didn't even try to claw at the officers, or demand to be let out. I can not see a clear set personality of Byeol, and even if it's early in the story, you should be concentrating on how to let us readers know the main character.
Content Description (3/10)
You need to work on this category. There was a lot of missing description when it comes the scenes and settings. You haven't described the cell at all. Is it dark, dusty, tiny? Is there some wretched smell of someone's decaying vomit emitting from a corner? I really couldn't find much description anywhere; what did fresh air smell like to Byeol? How does the world look to her after spending five years in prison? What do the ahjummas' look like?
You need to work on this category. There was a lot of missing description when it comes the scenes and settings. You haven't described the cell at all. Is it dark, dusty, tiny? Is there some wretched smell of someone's decaying vomit emitting from a corner? I really couldn't find much description anywhere; what did fresh air smell like to Byeol? How does the world look to her after spending five years in prison? What do the ahjummas' look like?
You have provided some vague desciption, such as adjectives, and I've definitely noticed your use of show-don't-tell.
You really need to describe Byeol's world to us, or else you'd be left with lost, wondering readers. And that will leave you two major problems.
Flow: (3/5)
There are enormous gaps ranging from weeks, to months, to years. However, I did not feel the story was rushed too much as you didn't extend the limit. You've proved that you can keep things at a slow pace like when the scene of Byeol stepping out of prison and encountering mean ahjummas was playing. I understand that you're anxious to get to the present, and presented the background information in a chapter, which was written decently.
There are enormous gaps ranging from weeks, to months, to years. However, I did not feel the story was rushed too much as you didn't extend the limit. You've proved that you can keep things at a slow pace like when the scene of Byeol stepping out of prison and encountering mean ahjummas was playing. I understand that you're anxious to get to the present, and presented the background information in a chapter, which was written decently.
I found it too rushed that Victoria accepted Byeol easily. Maybe a bit more of hesitation for the fashion designer's part would have perhaps convinced me a little.
Grammar: (6/10)
Your grammar is quite decent, aside from a few things.
I'm sure you aren't aware of this and don't fret because this is a very common mistake made by authors, and that's the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (he said, she laughed, they cried) after a character's dialogue, you put a comma before the ending quotation mark and put the first letter of the starting word in lower case. If you put an action sentence after someone's speech, then vice versa; a period before the ending quotatoin mark and the first letter of the starting word in upper case.
Quote: "Sorry ma'am," the police officer shook his head repeatedly with a serious look on him.
Correction: "Sorry ma'am." The police officer shook his head repeatedly with a serious look on him.
Correction: "Sorry ma'am." The police officer shook his head repeatedly with a serious look on him.
Quote: "Jageun-ssi?" one of the lady officer that I know very well, Mrs. Kang poked her head in.
Correction: "Jageun-ssi?" One of the lady officers that I knew very well, Mrs. Kang, poked her head in.
Correction: "Jageun-ssi?" One of the lady officers that I knew very well, Mrs. Kang, poked her head in.
Through the chapters I found multiple misuses of the present-past tense concept. I can not tell if they are silly mistakes/typographical errors, but I found far too many so I assumed that you aren't aware of it. This is a little hard to explain so I'll discuss through examples.
Quote: "Don't touch my daughter!" I heard mom screamed at the police officer who was holding me tightly.
If you put "heard", it is grammatically incorrect to say "screamed" afterwards.
Correction: "Don't touch my daughter!" I heard mom scream at the police officer who was holding me tightly.
Another way you could re-write this sentence is:
"Don't touch my daughter!" My mom screamed at the police officer who was holding me tightly.
If you put "heard", it is grammatically incorrect to say "screamed" afterwards.
Correction: "Don't touch my daughter!" I heard mom scream at the police officer who was holding me tightly.
Another way you could re-write this sentence is:
"Don't touch my daughter!" My mom screamed at the police officer who was holding me tightly.
Quote: I cried and scream and I could hear mom and dad was shouting at me if I was okay.
Before I correct anything, I'd like to say good job to the use of repeition of "and". It's really effective in creating the tone of the atmosphere.
Keep everything in past tense. If you are not aware of, "scream" is in present tense. I told you this in the description and foreword category, but if you say something was something, it is no longer happening. Also, "shouting at me" and "if I was okay" doesn't go together. You're missing a word.
Correction: I cried and screamed and I could hear mom and dad shouting at me, asking if I was okay.
Before I correct anything, I'd like to say good job to the use of repeition of "and". It's really effective in creating the tone of the atmosphere.
Keep everything in past tense. If you are not aware of, "scream" is in present tense. I told you this in the description and foreword category, but if you say something was something, it is no longer happening. Also, "shouting at me" and "if I was okay" doesn't go together. You're missing a word.
Correction: I cried and screamed and I could hear mom and dad shouting at me, asking if I was okay.
Other than that, I found everything pretty satisfying; effective uses of paragraphs, rhetorical questions and the tools of emphasis (using italics). I also found very few - almost none - typos, and that's a really rare thing to come across.
Taste of the Story: (5/10)
Your story is definitely different to other fanfictions, but I didn't find myself getting into the story as one would expect. I guess it's the fact that Victoria so suddenly took Byeol in and I didn't really favour that. I also found it strange for the officials to arrest Byeol when she had absolutely nothing to do with any robberies, except being the daughter of the theives by blood, even though she apparently was aware of the robberies, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, I was interested to see why Luhan vanished, and how Byeol finds a way to adapt to her new life.
Your story is definitely different to other fanfictions, but I didn't find myself getting into the story as one would expect. I guess it's the fact that Victoria so suddenly took Byeol in and I didn't really favour that. I also found it strange for the officials to arrest Byeol when she had absolutely nothing to do with any robberies, except being the daughter of the theives by blood, even though she apparently was aware of the robberies, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, I was interested to see why Luhan vanished, and how Byeol finds a way to adapt to her new life.
I'm sure the grade of this category will shoot up if you had added a few more chapters in wrapping everything up tightly.
TOTAL: (64/100)
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