Goodbye, My Love
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GOOD BYe, my love
A bitter smile plastered across the male face. Fighting the urge to let the tears from slipping out, Kim Jongin shouted on the top of his lungs letting out all his pain and anger that had been snowballing for the past six months. Finally, all his façade broken into heart breaking tears as he fallen onto his knees clutching onto his chest tightly. Jongin does not moved a bit, crying out loud for the latter’s name and the word ‘why’ between the sobs as he stared at the name that was engraved beautifully onto the stone.
REVIEWED BY: EXOEXOEXOLELLEL
Title (4/5)
It's quite rare to see commas in titles here in AsianFanFics and I don't normally see it in novels either, which is why I went on Google and did some research. Though uncommon, commas are not frowned upon in titles. The comma indicates a brief pause and it's really effective how you've used it for the title. In fact, it's so effective I wonder why it's not trending among all titles. Your one-shot's title is appealing and I think it would attract many readers if they were scrolling through a list of fanfictions.
Onto grammatical errors, the first letter of all four words should be capitalised; instead of "Good bye, my love", it should be "Goodbye, My Love". If you've missed it, there should be no space between "good" and "bye".
Graphics (0/5)
Obviously there are no graphics for this story but because it's a one-shot, it's not a big deal, though I can't give you any marks. The poster is the second thing the readers will look at after the title and, if designed to an aesthetial standard, will attract more readers. Backgrounds help set the mood of the story as us readers can see the background in our periphal visions as we read along the text, which is why graphics are important. Sometimes, authors can manipulate the classic AFF background (the white background) as it might correlate with the feel of the story, however your story is blooming with angst and so white isn't the ideal colour.
Description and Foreword: (5/10)
First of all, what you have in the description should be switched around with what you have in the foreword. After all, the text in your foreword is the description of your story, so it should belong into the description section. Having not read your story beforehand, it's quite an engaging description that makes readers even more interested, and if not already, interested in the one-shot. However I was unable to enjoy the paragraph as I am the type of person to pick up grammatical errors as I go along. I am not going to launch into the mistakes as it would be pointless because I'd like you to change the description. It is set in Jongin's perspective, however most of the story is set in Ljoe's. What you have written as the description appears to be the ending of the story, and if you were not intending that, then it sure does fit. Though it's a pretty attention-attracting description, it should be changed. Maybe a summary of the one-shot through third person, or Ljoe's words representing his constant worry, fear and reluctance. Jongin's position of being left in the dark is an idea.
On the other hand, I do approve of the writing representing Ljoe's grave. It promotes the angst feel to the story.
As for the writing below it, it should be written as shown:
I try hard to stay strong.
Even though you're no longer with me.
After reading your oneshot I am still confused as to who is saying this, so please make this clear when you edit the foreword.
The picture of the flowers and branches raises a question mark in my head but I will explain this in the next category.
Story Layout: (0/5)
For the description, as the words reperesent Ljoe's grave and the text in italic are set to the centre, your description should follow to make your story look neater. I can see why you have used the picture of the flowers and branches, and I find it funny that you've enlargened it to an enormous size. I was kind of blown in the face when I scrolled down and saw it. It's a little overwhelming. Before I read your one-shot, I was hoping that it would link to the story because if it didn't, it would be pretty pointless as it's too big to be classified as a divider. So right now, I'd suggest you get rid of it (as well as the one found in the chapter), or make it smaller so it passes as a divider, and if you choose the latter, then I think it should become your story's divider. So instead of the variety of dividers you have used such as "---------------", "===============" and ">>>" you should replace it with the picture to make your story layout look neater. You should also change ">>>Now>>>" to "Now. . ." like you have done with "Six months ago . . ."
Another thing I'd like to point out, is your use of putting sentences into new lines. To make it clearer, what is thought by a character should not be put in the same paragraph as what is said. Here is an example:
Ljoe was staring outside the classroom as he leaned on his arms. “Hey there shortie~ What are you doing?” Jongin said playfully as he patted the boy’s head. But he showed no reaction which made Kai puzzled. Normally Ljoe will go like this ‘yAH! I’m not shortie! You are just 11cm taller than me!’ and pouted cutely but seems like something is wrong with him today. Kai thought silently.
I will be splitting the character's dialogue from the thoughts, as well as correcting grammatical errors. My corrections are emboldened.
Ljoe was staring outside the classroom as he leaned on his arms. “Hey there shortie. What are you doing?” Jongin said playfully as he patted the boy’s head.
Ljoe showed no reaction which made Kai puzzled. Normally Ljoe will go like "Yah! I’m no shortie! You are just eleven centimetres taller than me!’ and pout cutely but it seems like something is wrong with him today.
Also, I"m not quite sure why your story is italicised. It would make sense for the flashback, but what's happening in the present shouldn't be italicised.
Plot: (5/30)
Your plot is a cliche one like how any story has to start off with; a guy getting himself into a dangerous situation where he has to choose between his lover or family. Although there aren't many opions and because of that, I wouldn't call it a plot twist, Ljoe's decision of choosing to kill Kai for his family did catch me off and I guess you picked that from the start to build on the angst mood of the story. However I did not feel the feelings that I'm supposed to feel when reading an angst fanfiction, let alone the full impact when Kai is shot, as you haven't built the story up with description which will be explained in the Content Description section.
It's obvious to see that a few months has passed since the beginning of the story up to where Ljoe gets the phone call and so you should make clear with the time zone. I'm confused as to whether or not this Dujun is the reason why Ljoe is sad six months before the murder scene, and if it is, then how has Dujun waited six months for Kai's death? Speaking of the last two, how is Dujun and Kai's relationship so foul? What is their history? Also, you never explained how Dujun made Ljoe believe he has his family if Dujun never had them in the first place. All this confusion links back to the issues within Content Description.
I don't quite like how you've ended the story. If Ljoe supposedly dies in front of Kai's grave, that implies that Kai is considered dead and has been buried. But then Kai wakes up in the hopsital? So there wasn't a corpse in Kai's grave.
Another thing is, what happened to Dujun after Kai dies? Does he just leave when Ljoe is screaming? Strange.
The loss of marks is mainly because of how you've taken big leaps everywhere and the missing paragraphs of description to build up the readers' interest. Seems to me that you're just stating things, rather than telling the story in an interesting tone.
Characterization: (4/10)
For a one-shot, yours is pretty short and so it's originally quite hard to develop them. You've introduced Kai and Ljoe to us without a problem, but from there on, you've hardly moved. Has their love grown for each other, or decreased? Has this dangerous and threatening situation changed Ljoe into a wiser person, or a mental degenerating man? The main problem is that you haven't showed us any emotions through words, and what Ljoe is feeling towards the situation - again something to do with Content Description.
Content Description (2/10)
As you may have noticed, "Goodbye, My Love" has fallen in many categories, and some are caused from the lack of content description. Mentioned in Plot, a lot of the background story is missing. I won't ask those questions again, but I'm sure you had readers lost throughout the one-shot, like I was. Occurent paragraphs put in there just for the purpose of explaining things may seem like an obstacle from the story and appear to be in the way, but they have to be there in order for us to process the story and get some feeling when scenes are happening.
The lack of emotion in the story is a very big problem. If you don't give us emotion through your words, how are you supposed to squeeze out some from us? Explain the terrorising predictions from Ljoe. Does he have nightmares? Show us. Where are the confused thoughts from Kai's side before a few months or weeks from his death? They need to be stronger. I'm going to give you an example of how to show emotion through words. Here's an excerpt from your story:
Ljoe ended the call angrily before pulling his hairs as he felt on his knee. His tears started to form before he started crying. “Why must this happen to me… to us…” he mumbled between his sobs.
And here is mine:
Ljoe furiously pressed the red button before whimpering, gripping his hair as he falls onto his knees. A woeful moan escapes his lips as he presses his forehead on the floorbaords, welcoming the shattering feelings he has kept bottling up for months. Fireworks of worry, desperation, fury, fear and frustration exploded inside Ljoe, one by one. His tears took it's turn and invaded the waterline of his eyes. “Why must this happen to me… to us…” he mumbled between his sobs.
Can you see the difference between your paragraph and mine? Does mine sound more interesting? Did you perhaps feel hurt and angry along with Ljoe?
It's best to describe the emotions running inside of the character though displaying it through actions (e.g pulling his hair) is not an uneffective way. If you grab both, emotions and actions, then that would most definitely win the reader over.
The ending from when Ljoe is suffering from his loss up to the point where Kai is with Kyungsoo, needs a whole more description. That part is the most toneless section of your story. I don't have to blink to know that you were just rushing the end for the sake of finishing the one-shot, and that is one of the things that I hate seeing as a reviewer, author and reader. You should never rush anything, at least not to the point where scenes that are very important to the story are told in one paragraph alone. If you wish for others to enjoy the one-shot, you should really go back and re-write those three paragraphs out.
Something you also need to do, is to describe the setting as well as the characters. Not describing Kai and Ljoe is fine as they are the main characters, but what about Dujun? What does he look like? What does the abandoned building look like? These snippets of missing information prevents us from picturing a scene in our heads.
Despite all the problems above, you still had a basic grasp of describing little things as the story progressed on, such as when Kai is getting beat up, how Ljoe shows through his actions and expressions that he is constantly being attacked with worry, and etc. For this reason, I have given two marks for this category.
Flow: (0/5)
This one-shot is way too fast-paced. The first problem are the big leaps in between. The scenes that should be in the one-shot to keep the readers' attention that aren't already seen there, is something happening between Kai and Ljoe's conversation six months ago and when Ljoe gets the phone call - maybe to show us how close Ljoe and Kai had brought the relationship to -, another scene of Ljoe about Kai's death preferrably before he overdoses, and a scene or two where you show us Kai moves on from Ljoe and starts a new relationship with Kyungsoo.
This one-shot is way too fast-paced. The first problem are the big leaps in between. The scenes that should be in the one-shot to keep the readers' attention that aren't already seen there, is something happening between Kai and Ljoe's conversation six months ago and when Ljoe gets the phone call - maybe to show us how close Ljoe and Kai had brought the relationship to -, another scene of Ljoe about Kai's death preferrably before he overdoses, and a scene or two where you show us Kai moves on from Ljoe and starts a new relationship with Kyungsoo.
Please don't rush the pace of a story. You might feel the relief as the author, but us readers will turn our backs if we can't keep up with the story. This speeding flow does not go well with your struggle in content description, resulting in the one-shot being a really messy one.
Grammar: (6/10)
Your one-shot shows me that you have a basic grasp of the English language which is quite excellent as it's not your first language. I found very few typos, and accidental words that shouldn't be there or have been missed out, which is really good.
Your one-shot shows me that you have a basic grasp of the English language which is quite excellent as it's not your first language. I found very few typos, and accidental words that shouldn't be there or have been missed out, which is really good.
I only want to mention two things, and the first one is the collision of the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (he laughed, he asked, he said) after a character's speech then a comma must be put before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the first word should be in lower case. This is what you have been doing but I will underline what I mean anyway:
“What are you doing here, Dujun!?” he snapped angrily.
“I guess it’s true…People said you will see a rewind of your everyday life and memories when you about to die because everything just flashed into my mind especially during our times together,” he said weakly.
Of course you don't have to put the first letter of the first word in lower case if it's a character's name. However, if you put an action sentence after a character's dialogue then a period must replace the comma and the first letter of the first word should be in upper case.
“Well, well, look who is here,” the guy smirked as he looked at Kai. Kai looked at him annoyingly.
Correction: “Well, well, look who is here.” The guy smirked as he looked at Kai. Kai looked at him annoyingly.
“Arghh!” he messed his hair frustrated before he heard his phone rings.
Correction: “Arghh!” He messed his hair in frustration before he heard his phone ring.
The second thing I want to mention is that capitalising words or sentences is informal and should not be seen in stories. Italicising words or sentences and putting an exclamation mark at the end can replace capitalising or emboldening words and would not lose the emphasis of the subject.
“I TOLD YOU ALREADY THAT I AM WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO COME SO DON’T YOU DARE LAY YOUR DIRTY HAND ON THEM!” he shouted at the phone.
Correction: “I told you already that I am waiting for the right time to come so don't you dare lay your dirty hand on them!” he shouted at the phone.
Anyone who is decent at English can see that it isn't your native language as your writing revolves around a very standard vocabulary. If you can, pick up an English novel, read it and search up definitions of any words you do not know, and use those words in your story to make your writing have a more advanced feel.
Taste of the Story: (0/10)
With the immense lack of description, the Usain-Bolt-flow of the story and no development of the characters, I can't find a reason for me to say that I enjoyed your story. I like the ending however you didn't develop it and because my thoughts to your story are pretty dull, I can't award any marks in this section.
With the immense lack of description, the Usain-Bolt-flow of the story and no development of the characters, I can't find a reason for me to say that I enjoyed your story. I like the ending however you didn't develop it and because my thoughts to your story are pretty dull, I can't award any marks in this section.
However, there is always time to improve and I hope you do just that through future one-shots and fanfictions.
I apologise for the marks of this review; please don't be too disheartened.
TOTAL: (26/100)
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