the request

AUTHOR » Idkanamewtf

STORY status » Completed

type of request » Standard

chapters reviewed » 1

genres » slight angst, dark humour, friendship, hurt and comfort. Rated M for vulgar language. 

description » In which a snarky, joyless boy and a snotty, equally joyless girl fight over who should jump and who should keep on living.

" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. That's one thing I'm certain about."

" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "


 

title (5)

appeal » 2/2

correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1

"The Logic of Living" is well suited as a title for this one-shot. How Sehun and the original character both decide to jump, however, question the purpose of their life upon meeting and arguing with each other. It's also a very appealing title, I'm quite attracted with the use of double L's, and I quite like the world 'logic'. I'm sure it would catch many readers' attention upon scrolling through a list of fanfictions.

    graphics (4)

APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2

correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1

How the title and quote is blurred in the poster really portrays the confusion behind the "logic of living". The white mist in the background also goes to show the constant uncertainty of Sehun's opinion towards his life. The headphones Sehun is adorning in the poster is easily linkable to the one-shot, which makes it completely relatable. I also root for the gazes of the characters, and how they seem to be avoiding eye contact with readers, as if they're guilty that they plan to suicide. The overall white hue of the poster and background represents the youth of these two characters, and how they have so much of their life to live, contrasting their negative thoughts. A really good job. 

However, I don't quite comprehend the writing at the bottom edge of the poster, and the windows in the background. Everything in the poster should relate to the poster, and maybe it's best to not overload it.

PLOT (25)

APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10

the effect of events » 8/10
development of plot » 7/10
 

The storyline is quite simple, with the concept of two characters planning to jump to their death, at the same time attempting to convince the other that they should not suicide. Let's face it, there are millions and thousands of fanfictions here that address the suicide question, but what I can easily pinpoint in The Logic of Living that makes it distinctive is the fact that there is very few derogatory talk. And when I say this, I don't mean that there is none at all, because both charcters do comment on their life in a negative way, but it's more of the fact that the characters fight over who gets to jump, and who doesn't, and it makes The Logic of Living entertaining seeing the two bicker back and forth. Instead of going on and on about what has happened in their life to lead up to this very moment, the introduction is to the point and the arguments return. I dont think I understand Sehun and the original character's type of humour, as I follow up on the homeless man's jumping out of the blue contrasting the two's hesitation, but whether it was that funny to just laugh out loud and decide that life is okay, I don't think that issue is strong enough. 

flow (4)

suitability of the flow » 1/2

your control of the pace » 3/3
 

There aren't many opportunities for you to experiment with the flow seeing as there is only one scene in this one-shot. The appearance of the original character wasn't specifically abrupt and uncalled for, and the arguments and actions are carried smoothly. The only thing I'd raise a flag at, would be again the two main characters' sudden descision to not jump after all after the homeless man's performance. Perhaps you would need to explain what made both Sehun and the girl decide to not give up their life then and there by putting in more content.

    grammar (8)

punctuation » 2/4

vocabulary » 2/2
proof-reading » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2

I found little mistakes in terms of editing, so things like typographical errors and missing words didn't come up at all. Your grammar overall is fairly exemplary, with an expanding vocabulary present. Courtesy to a one-shot, especially the length of The Logic of Living, I've picked out all the mistakes I came across, and corrected them below. 

He closed his eyes, and before he could fall, a loud, shrill voice pierced the air.

He closed his eyes, but before he could fall, a loud, shrill voice pierced the air.
 

The paragraph of which this sentences concludes builds up to the decision that Sehun will jump and end his life. Putting 'and' indicates that the sentence goes in favour with what is said before it, hence makes the paragraph flow fluently. However, "a loud, shrill voice pierced the air" contradicts Sehun's decision in which he is about to make by closing his eyes, therefore 'but' is a more suitable conjunction to use in this case.

"You shouldn't be doing this. This - " She gestured to the bottom of the bridge. " - is messed up."

"You shouldn't be doing this. This," she gestured to the bottom of the bridge, "is messed up."

You've used a run on sentence here, so the hiven should not be used or else the sentence, with or without the character's action, would be "This - is messed up." Essentially, hivens separate independent clauses, so usig it here would be invalid. A character's action dividing a speech should not be punctuated as a sentence as its own, hence the lower case "she" and the comma. 

First come, first serve.

First come, first served.

"The same thing applies to you." He finally replied after a few minutes of stillness.

"The same thing applies to you," he finally replied after a few minutes of stillness. 

This is a case of tag-verb conflict, where if you put a tag-ver (he replied), then a period should be replaced by a comma when ending the character's dialogue, and "he" should be lowercased. The punctuation present in your sentence only satisfies if you put an action-verb, of which either character can act out. I consider this flaw to be significantly important, thus the missing two marks of your Grammar score.

As she considered his words. Her big, dark eyes stared back seemingly searching for a rebuttal, a rebuttal of utter desperation. 

As she considered his words, her big, dark eyes stared back seemingly searching for a rebuttal, a rebuttal of utter desperation. 

...for the monthly Lifetime movies on his subscrition were racing across his mind as means of justifying her not to do this, not to jump.

...for the monthly Lifetime movies on his subscription were racing across his mind as a means of justifying her not to do this, not to jump.

Not particularly sure what "Lifetime" is, but if it's a movie or a magazine or anything that is a whole (not part of a whole like an article or a blog), it should be italicised. 

"Yeah." He answered again. It was a slightly more confident answer this time. 

"Yeah," he answered again. It was a slightly more confident answer this time. 

    taste of story (7)

personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 2/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4

length of your story » 1/1

I'm an angst reader, so the suicide concept is definitely one that I'm interested in. I enjoyed how things played out, sort of hoped that you'd kill the characters off, but don't take that into too much consideration, because if Sehun and the female had died together, and there was a lack of empathetic and reasoned narration, then I wouldn't have approved of it. It's also much more of a challenge to keep them alive in the end. Since the one-shot was short, I don't particularly have a say with the characters, I don't disapprove of them nor do I favour them. The plot is a bit too bare for me, not much happens at all. The grammar is exceptional, and the flow is steady, all the more to meet my satisfaction. I need to emphasise that I really like the title itself though, ha. 

total score (86)

thank you for requesting at lust. please remember to provide feedback.

title 

I really like the title, it catches my attention plus, it relates well to the storyline/plot (whichever you call it) Other than that, it was very unique. 

    graphics 

The poster was really well done but I do think the colors can be change to something more darker to suit your plot / genres. Instead of adding windows, you could have requested the designer to put rivers / bridges since that was where the characters were throughout the whole story.

PLOT 

It was simple and to the point, I would have like it more if you describe more of the character's past life, why that decided not to die in the end. It would be much clearer instead of making the readers guess (Unless you are planning to write a second chapter, which you won't because you marked it as. 'complete' or maybe you are going to write a second part, you should allow the readers to better comprehend your story. 

flow 

The pace was perfect, not too slow, not too fast. However, like I mentioned before, you should write about why Sehun and OC decided not to die but live instead. 

    grammar 

Not much errors on tenses but you need to work more on punctuation (Since exoexoexolellel has corrected everything for you, I don't see a reason to repeat what he/she wrote). There was once a joke (My mother told me) about punctuation : The father wrote his son's composition and end of dying because he was out of breath. The son's composition does not have any punctuations at all. The meaning is that punctuations are important even though they are just tiny little things.

    taste of story 

Angst is really my type, I'm glad you didn't make the characters die. Although, I would have love it more if it was a two-shot. You could have describe a little bit more on Sehun's life (like a flashback) and more towards the end - why they decided to not commit suicide. Other than that, your vocabulary and grammar was great (excluding punctuation and few tenses error of course) Is too sad that not much people have notice this story, I am sure it will be a great hit one it receive a little more attention^^