Of Wooing and Coffee Brewing - 62
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » tatapajamas
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 4
genres » Romance
description » Jungkook and Seokjin are two young architects who need complete a new sustainable headquarters for their development company before the christmas luncheon. However meeting a cute barista, obtaining dark secrets and becoming a smitten fool, will Jungkook manage to organize his time?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. "
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 1/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
A title has to frame the story and mark it as its own, explaining everything and nothing all at once. A newcomer should look at your title and ideally think 'Wow, this sounds fascinating and worth my time,' whereas your regular follower should say 'So THIS is why it's called "Of Wooing and Coffee Brewing"'. At first glance, the title is quite peculiar, and depending on the reader, you might just pull the right ones in. It has a nice ring to it. I, for one, am OBSESSED with coffee (you best believe I had a large mug whilst reviewing your story) and so would have probably clicked into your story link. But that's just my take on it. As for correlation, you're only four chapters in and I can already see the relevance.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
Overall, the poster presents a light mood. Absolutely love the image and background for Taehyung in his element. Perfect for the story. The quote is very relevant too and positioned well. It's interesting to see that Jungkook's picture is so big and is overlooking Taehyung, seeing as far as I have read, Taehyung is looking to be the more dominant and daring of the pair? But of course, that can change. The title isn't blended into the background, which is really good as it's easy to lose it when the graphic has a lot of images and colours going on.
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 3/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
I like that you've kept everything neat and aligned in the middle. The abundance of images may be a bit much but I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with that. Just make sure you tell the full story in words! The Description is a good start but I question why Seokjin's name is in there as so far, he doesn't appear to be anything more than a side character. You could portray the same Description with just Jungkook's name. Only a suggestion if Seokjin's role stays relatively minor.
As with the Forword, love the pink quote but questioning 'Welcome the Corner Cafe'? As in are you welcoming the cafe, or are you welcoming readers TO the cafe? From the critical perspective, this threw me off a little. The passage underneath that starts off nicely, but it gets a little short and read as if some of the sentences aren't finished. For example, I think 'he notices a new holiday crew but one catches his eye' doesn't flow well from the first half of the sentence. My suggestion is to split it. And as a minor thing, not sure if a space between the last word 'barista' and the period is intentional?
story layout (4.5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2.5/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
I found the layout consistent and neat. Most of the spacing was regular but the first part of the chapter I found slip-ups. There appears to be an extra line after the first paragraph in the first chapter - not sure if this is intentional. On the other hand, there appears to be a missing line before 'However right-now in this very moment, he wanted to throw himself out of his ninth story window and die in the street below.'
The christmas lights as divisions are cute and act as a reminder to the festive season throughout the story, as well as the quotes at the start of each chapter.
PLOT (14)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 5/10
the effect of events » 5/10
development of plot » 4/10
From here on, we leave the preliminary stages of the review, so I can only award marks based on the four chapters posted. Please don't be discouraged by the lack of marks!
So far, I think the plot is set out nicely. There's a lot of background to Jungkook exposed to the readers already, which is important for us to understand how and why Jungkook thinks the way he does. You've also narrated Jungkook's social environment effectively, as I can foresee his job playing a major role in the story. We are also getting to know Taehyung a bit better through his perspectives - on that, I need to warn you to be careful that you aren't switching from perspective to perspective every few lines. Once a section or chapter is started in, for instance, Jungkook's perspective, you should stick to his thoughts and feelings only. That is to say that us readers shouldn't know what Taehyung or Jimin is thinking or feeling, unless stated to Jungkook.
I'm intrigued to see that Taehyung is already in a relationship with an older man, and you have already exposed that to Jungkook. I also appreciate the friendships that Jungkook has with Jimin, Seulgi and Yerim. I already know they will play a helpful role in future. I think you have a lot going on for the story in terms of events in place that will provoke Jungkook and Taehyung and push the story along. And to see some development of the plot four chapters in is saying a lot!
characterisation (4)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 2/5
As you may appreciate, there isn't much development in character as of yet, which is perfectly fine at this stage. However, I can already see some development in Jungkook's character as he finds himself mingling more and more with Taehyung. Not much movement with Taehyung yet, hence why I think he will turn out to be the more dominant character of the pair. Everyone else mentioned in the story appear to be relatively minor, so I am keen to see what sort of role they will play in the future, if any, and to what effect.
content description (7)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 4/5
There are some descriptions in your chapters that render me completely astounded. They capture the scene set out so perfectly and with words that are sophistcated and engaging. The introduction of the Corner Cafe is a prime example, I am in love with every sentence. And the coffee roasts in the passage following it - do you live near me because Colombia and Ethopia roasts are on constant rotations at my local cafe. And if I saw a customer put their nose right on the packaging and take a big whiff of it, for reputation sake I would WTF them but internally I would be signing those marriage papers. I really felt that paragraph in the roots of my soul.
However, there were some sections of the story where I felt description was lacking or awkward. Some parts just needed more words to it. I've extracted examples below:
Chapter II
"Nah I'm all right. Thank you though." Jungkook replied confidently, becoming aware of his cheeks now burning his face off.
"Nah I'm all right. Thank you though," Jungkook replied confidently, aware of his cheeks now burning.
The first correction is to do with grammar which I will explain below. I found the second half of the sentence to be too excessive, so I've offered an alternative that is shorter and narrates the same point. You could also shorten it to 'becoming aware of his burning cheeks'. 'Becoming' implies 'now' so it's not necessary to use both. 'Burning his face off' is colloquial, meaning we would use this hyperbole in every day language but on paper it comes across very harsh and again, not necessary to get the point across. My advice against colloquialism is only suggestive though, it is not wrong to continue writing in such way.
Chapter III
Just walking around the block felt like forever but it wasn't until Jungkook stopped in front of the heavy door leading into his apartment complex.
This is a recurring issue that I came across in your chapters. The uses of conjunction words such as 'until' and 'but' are rendered useless as the sentences aren't elongated to mark the next point made. In this extract, the walk felt so long, but it wasn't until Jungkook reached his home that what? Was he holding his breath but it wasn't until he got home that he could finally take a breath? Or were his shoes hurting his feet and it wasn't until he got home that he could finally release his feet from the pain? I get what you're trying to say but what you have said isn't enough for the use of any conjunctions.
This is in the same chapter, which I will suggest a correction:
Suddenly, as if an earthquake were occurring - oh no wait, that was Yerim shaking him roughly but out of excitement.
Yerim shook him violently as if an earthquake erupted in Jungkook's body.
Chapter IV
Seokjin got up retrieving his drink Taehyung stopping him.
To me, there are a few words missing in this sentence. I'm not sure what is being said here.
Another thing to note when you're introducing new characters is to be clear about which character is older or younger. Naming 'the elder' or 'the younger' within your narration is fine but you need to be a little clearer in the initial stages. I got confused between Bogum and Taehyung.
Other than the above, I really hope you push yourself to integrate more and more descriptive writing as you progress the story. I can sense some real talent here and it would be a shame to not show that off.
flow (4)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
For the most part, the story has a strong flow. However, there is one link from Chapter II to Chapter III that skipped, what I would say, the vital part of the main characters' relationship. Jungkook and Taehyung's night walk is the first memory of their relationship, which isn't shown to the readers. The end of Chapter II starts with the walk but the start of Chapter III is 'Just walking around the block felt like forever...'. This made me feel that the walk wasn't special for Jungkook at all, and that he wanted it to end badly. Also there are some questionable parts where I was a little lost and maybe further explanation could fix. One example was to do with the start of Chapter II, where Jin commented 'Jungkook, you got an espresso too?' when Jin never left his table and it was clear that Jungkook had to walk to the counter to order. Either Jin had also walked to the counter, which doesn't make sense as the scene goes that Jin turns back to his notepad, or Jungkook walked back and forth with the espresso so as to continue his conversation with Taehyung. I would suggest to be a little aware and mindful with these scenes.
grammar (5)
punctuation » 0.5/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 1.5/2
Punctuation is the letdown here. I covered a lot below and pinpointed which ones were the major issues. There's nothing that can't be fixed and learnt though, I'm sure once you know about them they won't continue to be a problem. So if there's anything that you're confused about, please let me know and I'll explain further! Please bear in mind that though I've touched on all chapters, these aren't all the mistakes I found.
Chapter I
Jungkook slowly opens his eyes sitting up in his bed, smiling.
Your story is written in past tense but the opening paragraph is in present tense, save for the last sentence being 'His mouth began to water.' I found that with the rest of your chapters, tense was kept in the past, so just make sure it's always consistent.
"My decision is final. You two are working together. This meeting is dismissed." Namjoon said, not daring to look at his lovers' direction as he left the room.
"My decision is final. You two are working together. This meeting is dismissed," Namjoon said, not daring to look at his lover's direction as he left the room.
A big issue that many authors aren't aware of is the correct punctutation to use to finish dialogues. When you end a dialogue with 'said', 'questioned', 'murmured', 'barked', etc, you should use a comma. When you end it with an action, you should use a full stop.
Chapter II
"Strangely energized." said Jungkook as he huddled up against the early evening chill.
"Strangely energized," said Jungkook as he huddled up against the early evening chill.
Chapter III
The hum of passion was muffled by Taehyung biting his lip, preventing his hips from bucking to early.
The hum of passion was muffled by Taehyung biting his lip, preventing his hips from bucking too early.
"Ha ha" Yerim rolling her eyes sarcastically, giving him a small kick.
"Ha ha." Yerim rolled her eyes sarcastically, giving him a small kick.
So with actions that follow dialogue, use a full stop and not a comma.
Recently moving to America - New York and just for the short while she was there, her whole manner changed.
Recently moving to New York, America and just for the short while she was there, her whole manner changed.
Once the elder had left the room, Taehyung looked up listening to make sure he was out of ear shot before flipping the page to a sketch of a handsome male figure--drawn to perfect likeness; black combed back hair, dressed in a suit - candy cane "trinity knot" silk tie sweeping his shoulder as if blowing in the wind. He would have to observe this young man again when he came back in...8 hours.
Your use of hyphens isn't grammatically appropriate. Hyphens ( - ) should only be used when you want to extend your sentence and a comma isn't enough for the job. As a general rule, keep the use of hyphens to a bare minimum and only in 'extreme' cases. Abuse commas and treat hyphens as a rarity. Semicolons ( ; ) work differently. They are used to separate two different sentences which are correlated to the extent that they can also be adjoined. You should be able to replace a semicolon with a period ( . ). Use semicolons when you want to create a cohesive flow with your sentences, but apply the same scarcity rule as you should with hyphens. Don't overuse semicolons when you can more obviously use a full stop.
Further, use single quotation marks when quoting anything that isn't dialogue. Use double quotation marks for dialogue only. For character thoughts, I would suggest to use either italicisation or single quotation marks. It doesn't matter which one you choose, just make sure it's consistent. I've sighted that you use both italics and double quotation marks.
Finally, two minor things. One is to make sure that ellipsis ( ... ) comes in three dots only, and not more. Make sure there is also a space after using an ellipsis, but keep no space before the ellipsis. Lastly, any digits ten and below (that is, from 0-10) should be written out in letters and not numerised. Any number higher than ten is okay to write with digits (i.e. 15, 892, 1043). This is just a formality thing.
Once the elder had left the room, Taehyung looked up and listened to make sure he was out of ear shot before flipping the page to a sketch of a handsome male figure, drawn to perfect likeness. Black combed back hair, dressed in a suit - candy cane 'trinity knot' silk tie sweeping his shoulder as if it were blowing in the wind. He would have to observe this young man again when he came back in... eight hours.
Chapter IV
His second portfolio carried the acutally blueprints and sketches making it easier to differentiate.
His second portfolio carried the actual blueprints and sketches, making it easier to differentiate.
He looked up expecting to see the "architect" come up and ask for the "espresso and cream filled bonbon", but yet again, it wasn't him.
In my opinion, I don't think the quotation marks and italicisation are needed as, by way of context, what is being emphasised isn't anything out of the ordinary. If you had to though, I would use single quotation marks - 'architect', 'espresso and cream filled bonbon' - and lose the italicisation for consistency.
The last part Jungkook was intended to jabbed at Taehyung to see if he would notice that he hadn't said anything about being in a relationship before flirting excessively with him.
Jungkook intended the last part to jab at Taehyung to see if he would notice that he hadn't said anything about being in a relationship before flirting excessively with him.
"That's because Jungkook it usually is and you're too lazy to get them fixed."
"That's because, Jungkook, it usually is and you're too lazy to get them fixed."
taste of story (5.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3.5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, I am not as excited to read male pairings as much as others would. However, I found myself really enjoying your story, there is something about the character of Jungkook that makes me want to read more. Probably because he's a for coffee beans. I am also enjoying the side roles that other idols play and how it all links to Jungkook. I have very much been a BTS fan since 2014 and I have also kept my eye on Red Velvet so I am all for your story. Unfortunately, I am a bit of a grammar fanatic, so coming across mistakes here and there broke my reading flow - I was especially expecting a lot as I was genuinely shocked with your descriptive talent in your opening paragraphs. Grind for more, I'm serious. I'll have you know that I'm staying subsribed to your story. All the best with your writing!
total score (62)
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