Invisible String
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!invisible string
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » the_wylde
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 31
genres » romance, fluff
description » In which, Oh Sehun receives a letter from Bae Joohyun almost every week and he just wants to let her know that she has been sending her passionate romantic words to the wrong person but his pocket money doesn't allow him the expenses of sending a letter to London...and he quite likes reading her letters even if they are not for him.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is appealing with its succinctness and intangible imagery. It's short and simple yet encompasses a level of sophistication so as to not leave it a basic label. If I was scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I would click into yours. Additionally, the relevance and significance to your story is clear from the Description and Foreword, as well as multiple parts within your chapters, which is absolutely great to see. I think you've chosen a great pick for your composition from the getgo.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1.5/2
correlation to the story » 1.5/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The vibe of the graphic capitulates the fluff theme of your fic with plenty of bright and light colours. The title is big and relatively easy to spot although the pink in 'invisible' blends in a little with the picture of the cherry blossoms. Images of the characters are appropriately large so there's no confusion as to who the main stars are. When it comes to story graphics, I'm quite strict with every component of the poster needing to be relevant to the story. I like the inclusion of the blurred envelope in the middle, however, I can't see the relevance of the cherry blossoms. If I were to go out on a limb here I could say the flowers represent a budding relationship between our two main characters, but I think it's far-fetched, and being critical, I shouldn't need to have a think about it. I would also suggest the letter to be clearer or even bigger as it sets up the basis of the storyline. Aesthetic-wise, I don't know if it's just me but the blurriness of the flowers and letter, and the less clear image of Irene plus the diagonal pattern in the background kind of makes me feel like my vision's all wrong. How the blurred images are located towards the foreground creates a long-sighted view, and if I stare at the poster for an extended period of time, I feel like my eyes get uncomfortable. Could just be me though.
No issue with the background of the sky and residential area in the poster, but I would recommend trying to match the chapter background for consistency purposes. Up to you though.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is short and sweet, getting straight to the point in relation to what the story encompasses. It appropriately prepares the readers for the fic and reflects the baseline of the plot. Extra thumbs up for being able to sum up the foundation of the storyline in one sentence.
The excerpt we see after the blurb is a great teaser for the viewers, however, I recommend moving this extract to the Foreword for organisational purposes. Keeping sneak peeks separate from the summary of the story can make a difference with the reader's first impression, as how it is currently structured together creates a continuous viewing flow. Moving the extract and introduction of characters to the Foreword would create a brief break in between, which can allow the opportunity for the description to sink in before absorbing the extract and character images. This is a matter of personal preference though, so it's up to you whether you want to change anything. Besides this, love how everything is kept neat with sufficient spacing sectioning off different components to entice the readers. Another great job with dropping the relevance of the title in the Description.
story layout (4.5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2.5/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Majority of your chapters maintain a consistent font style, font size and spatial divisions. The indents you use preceding each new paragraph are all very uniform, I didn't find any slip-ups. The blue-purple-pink cloud background sets the scene pleasantly whilst we read your chapters, giving a soft atmosphere for the readers to enjoy in their peripheral vision. I like how you keep the layout of your story unique with branding your chapters after Taylor's songs from start to end, using her quotes to precede each chapter and a cute gif to set the scene. Furthermore, I like the layout of the occasional text messages towards the last half of the story being aligned to both left and right, so that it's clear who's sending which texts. This is an accurate visual reflection of how we send and receive text messages in reality, so it's relatable. Thumbs up here!
Albeit few, there are a couple of instances where spatial divisions were inconsistent. I think I've picked out each discrepancy below. Here's an extract from Chapter 16 - the heartbreak prince where spacing is missing in between lines:
Irene pushed her clear frames up her nose before waving to him soundlessly.
“I-Irene?”
Also, these sentences from Chapter 21 - coney island are in a different font and font size:
He wrote in one breath before copying the details of her letter onto his envelope. Bae Joohyun, the name rang in his head. He couldn't stop it and what was worse, he liked it. He gasped at the sudden ringing of his phone. The device vibrated with a message.
As well as this extract from Chapter 29 - soon you'll get better:
Sehun had to lean against surfaces to keep standing. He tried to fix the sight of his room, shoving curtains to the side and fixing his cluttered desk. And then he made his bed, brushed his teeth and used his crutch to get himself to the kitchen. He had to get out of his shabby clothes, he thought. Usually, he would wake up around eight on Mondays, but today he was three hours early. It was difficult to take showers but he managed somehow. He used clear tapes to cover the plaster and wore slippers for friction against the smooth tiles. He'd never break his leg again, he promised to himself every time he stood under the shower, worried he would slip and break his jaw this time.
Additionally, from the same chapter above, there is an absence of double line spacing within the next several paragraphs:
When the bell rang, he almost jumped but the heavy plaster reminded him that he wasn't in the right condition to. He got to the door with much difficulty and unlocked it. She had her hair up in a bun. It seemed she had rushed out of her house at the news. Yes, that polka dotted pair of trousers was definitely a part of her sleepwear. Sehun smiled sleepily, opening the door wider for her. "Hi."
Joohyun's face became gloomy. She walked to him and hugged his body, as if trying to give him comfort. Sehun nodded, kissing the side of her forehead. "I was making coffee. Sit here," he pulled a chair and gestured her towards it but she shook her head, forcing him to sit there.
...
Sehun's eyes softened at the words. "Are you sure you don't want to forget some parts?"
She reassured him with another hearty shake of her head. "Everything matters," she wrote. Sehun would have said something too but she left his side to check on the water. She stirred the coffee in two cups, added the sugar and the milk and suggested that he should be in bed where he could sit comfortably and not harm the shape of his legs. Sehun wanted to say no but she was already lending him her little shoulder. And he couldn't say no.
Some final examples; the small text in Chapter 23 - i think he knows appears to be in a larger font than how the other texts are presented in the rest of the fic, and the text messages in Chapter 29 - soon you'll get better appear to be in a different font.
Other than these, the rest your chapters are kept neat and organised, boosting the reading vibe.
PLOT (30)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 10/10
The storyline of invisible string is set out nicely with a clear focus on what the plot centres on and how it is supplemented by the characters' way of life. It portrays more than a few elements to keep the readers engaged, from Sehun's receipt and eventual reliance on Joohyun's letters, the classic playboy side character who unexpectedly turns out to be a decent friend, family tragedies, a strong bond with the little sister, a meeting of fates with the main characters, and so on. The insistent message of Irene being flawlessly beautiful but lives with disabilities which have conjured a history of bullying is a nice touch and invokes empathy in the readers. Moreover, events are aplenty in the fic and effectively move the story along, all with reasonableness which make the plot seem very realistic. I'm sure the tease with Irene having two names was an exciting and suspenseful experience for the readers. Your capability to drop hints here and there, known to the readers but not to our main narrator, such as Joohyun writing that she has moved to New York, Sehun noticing that Irene's handwriting looks familiar but not making any connections, and Sehun gifting Joohyun a music box, keeps the readers intrigued and makes your composition a unique read.
As a minor point, one part I thought odd was how quickly Sehun became friends with Junmyeon when he had presumed Junmyeon wasn't a decent person and was instead the very cause of Joohyun's unhappiness. I can see how friendship eventuated if Junmyeon had stepped in when Sehun and Yerim were at a low point in their lives, but it was perplexing to see Sehun warm up to Junmyeon so quickly given that every chapter prior to their connection showcased Sehun's distaste for Junmyeon. Further, I can't imagine how Junmyeon wouldn't stand as a constant and painful reminder to Sehun of Joohyun, who for the majority of the story Sehun believed he hadn't met yet. In this context, wouldn't Sehun have a tendency to react negatively towards Junmyeon before allowing himself to get to know the 'playboy' more? This was the only component where I was personally a little confused about, but the progression from acquaintances to tight friends was relatively believable enough that I didn't deduct any points because of this.
I very rarely give out full marks in this category as I hold each aspect to a high standard, but you've definitely ticked all the boxes with invisible string. An exemplary job with the appeal and development of the storyline.
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
I'm quite happy with the progression of character development in your fic, as well as each character's significance to the plot. You've written Sehun to be a very endearing character with a fair share of flaws. Although I don't necessarily appeal to how quickly Sehun and Junmyeon fell into a friendship, I thought the transitioning of the two becoming really good friends was sweet. In particular, their bonding in Chapter 14 - it's time to go was highly engaging to read as we get to know more about Junmyeon alongside Sehun, and it shows their eventual strong friendship was gradual rather than sudden. I also thought it sweet that they continued to stay in contact once Sehun moved away. Big contrast to who they were to each other at the start of the story, which shows character development with the both of them. Great work with Junmyeon's role in the fic.
Irene appeared to be the typical all-perfect love interest, with breathtaking looks, an advanced capacity for understanding and empathy, a sympathetic past and an overall enjoyable personality. I like how you turned her disabilities to be intriguing elements to her character in Sehun's perspective, without downplaying the full force of bullying opportunity, as the people in her past had taken advantage of. On an objective basis, most readers should appeal to Irene's character and role in the fic, particularly with her current charm and effect on our main narrator, and her amazing resilience to continue living her life the best way she can. The only thing I found off about Irene was how different she appeared over text messaging to Sehun and the readers. Though she is bold and confident both over text and in person, she seems quirkier and witty over text, and this is something we don't see when she's with Sehun face to face. I found this highly contrasting and felt like I was getting to know two different people. I personally appealed more to Irene's personality over text, as the jokes and teasing humour were more engaging for me over the pretty, nice, generous, understanding, and so on traits which we see in person. I think minimal inclusion of the witty personality face to face is not so much an issue, but the big contrast stems from complete absence when the two meet face-to-face and the big unleash of her teasing side over text. Just like above, I view this as a minor pickup from my end so I won't be deducting any points, as it doesn't drastically impact the storyline.
Yerim plays an excellent supporting role in the fic, where she adds a lot of colour to the chapters with her indignant yet caring personality. It's great to see that while she interacts frequently with Sehun, she runs her own storyline with schooling problems and her growing friendship with Jongin. She capitulates an intriguing balance of dependence and independence in the story, where her bright traits and tendencies make her an interesting character, but not much so that her minor age and her brother being the only father/parent figure in her life are overlooked. I am impressed and enthralled by Yerim's character.
As your characters provide such a wide range of personalities, the absorption of the storyline was highly enjoyable and provides many opportunities for the readers to blindly guess how the characters will react to or influence the next scene. This represents a strong connection between character influence and the plot, which ticks all the boxes for me here.
content description (9)
quantity » 4/5
quality » 5/5
Your writing style is engaging across the board, with descriptive language prominently focused on how the characters think, feel and react to story events. This narrative style allows the readers to absorb what is happening in chapters whilst also learning more about the characters. I'm quite happy with the attention for detail when you describe how the narrator is reacting to certain events. On top of this, you end every chapter with a lasting note, which either hints at some conflict or resolution that would be revealed in the succeeding chapter or sums up the narrating character's thoughts. In effect, this leaves a lasting impression on the readers and makes for a highly engaging writing style. Great work here. Furthermore, there are aplenty of description when new settings are introduced and a couple here and there of what your characters wear each day, which continuously describes what the narrator is observing to keep the readers on the same page. You embed a fair few of rhetorial questions to invoke curiousity in the readers alongside the characters, making for an engaging narration. Among many good examples, here's one that I picked out from Chapter 21 - coney island to show what I find objectively appealing in writings:
There was a different address on the envelope. New York, it said. The address irked him and coaxed him. That meant they were close. What was she doing here? What if he wanted to see her face? He gave those lines in his head a little thought before shaking his head. No, he couldn’t be that way. He had to be practical. Actually, in the deepest part of his heart, he was scared that Bae Joohyun would make him think twice about whatever he thought he felt for her. Bae Joohyun...Sehun knew so much about her; her one magical conversation with Kim Junmyeon that didn’t prove to be fruitful, her neighbours who have two kids, her struggle with English, her love for animals, her best friend Geet, her skateboard and bubble gums, and her bullies at her university, and her cruel summer much like his, the way her cheerful words had comforted him during his toughest times...so how was he to deny her thoughts?
This description effectively capture Sehun's thoughts at a high level, meaning we are able to see exactly what he is thinking and why he is thinking these thoughts. In particular, the use of rhetorical questions prompt the readers to question the same elements Sehun are, and how you answer those questions confirm his resolve and allows us to learn more about the way Sehun reacts, thinks, and adapts to his surroundings. I found this style of description quite prominent and frequent throughout your chapters to keep the readers invested.
As a reader and reviewer, I also look out for visual description to set the scenes and further enrapture the reader. Effective use of imagery is a big factor demonstrating to me the quality of an author's writing style. Though there isn't an excessive amount of descriptive imagery, there is a sufficient amount to describe settings and characters to keep the readers on the same page. And when you do include visual description, the results are exemplary. Here is an extract from Chapter 28 - stay stay stay:
There was a gazebo at the end of the path. Irene dusted a spot for him and turn on a light. The golden hue spread across the whole area, giving the red roses a yellow tone...or perhaps the roses were yellow but Sehun couldn't concentrate on flowers when the only thought roaming around his head was what she wanted to talk about. A small chat would ruin him. How are you and how is your sister...no, he wanted more than that.
Albeit brief, the imagery showed the colour tones of the location our main characters are meeting in, with the choice of red and yellow setting a warm atmosphere over a dull or cold one. Incorporation of imagery enhances the narrative tone and complements the way you like to engage the readers by showcasing a character's thoughts and feelings, which I would say is your definitive writing style. I would however, encourage inclusion of more descriptive imagery to keep the readers ensnared within the scenes. On a grammatical note with the above, 'turn on the light' should be corrected to ' the light'.
Moving on to use of character perspectives, you stay consistent for the most part in one character's point of view at a time. However, there are a couple of instances where you slip up and reveal another character's perspective whilst narrating in another's. Take this example from Chapter 28 - stay stay stay:
How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything but to be okay, Irene thought as she melted under his tearful eyes. It was so surreal yet painful, to watch a man break down like this for his mistakes and regrets. Men must cry all the time, in silence and in smiles as they let the day pass. Men were cowardly. But Oh Sehun wasn't. He wasn't hesitant to show his emotions. Irene let her thumbs erase his tears but they kept on falling. Now, how was she to hate him, someone as pure as him and as golden? It brought tears to her eyes too.
Up until this point, we were in Sehun's eyes observing and expressing ourselves to Irene. How did we end up in Irene's perspective for this one paragraph? When writing, we should constantly be sticking to one character's shoes at one point in time. This translates in reality - when we interact with someone in person, we will never know their true thoughts and feelings. We can only make assumptions as to what they think and feel based on our observations. I think you would understand this point fairly well, as for the majority of your writing you do consistently stick to one character's point of view, and in the next paragraph you describe Sehun's inference on Irene:
Her eyes sagged at the corners. Sympathy, he saw in her face.
This is Sehun noticing her eyes turn down at the corners and he is presuming that there is sympathy on her expression. You are not delving into Irene's perspective and compromising Sehun's point of view. By doing this, you are sticking to Sehun's shoes.
Another example can be found in Chapter 13 - champagne problem, though I also picked this one to show an abrupt time jump affecting reading flow which brings me to my next point:
Junmyeon hugged his own body. From the opposite house came sounds of things breaking. A male voice was shouting and the female voice shouted louder. It must be Sehun, he thought.
Glasses broke, ceramic plates laid shattered on the ground, Yerim watched with horror as her brother morphed into someone she never knew him as. Gone was the gentle, patient Sehun.
I'm not sure if you meant to put in a division to prompt the new scene, showcased through Yerim's perspective, and perhaps forgot, but this read across quite suddenly as we were absorbed in Junmyeon's peaceful narration before being thrown into the escalated situation happening in Yerim and Sehun's household. Though time jumps like these without appropriate spatial divisions were occasional, there are a few more instances which I'll go over in Flow. I did want to suggest an alternative though, relevant to Content Description, where instead of inserting a spatial divsion, you could also write a few more lines to ease the readers into the scene. However, if you are switching perspectives, I recommend putting in the spacing so it's clear that one, a new scene is starting, and two, the readers may be more prepared to change point of views. Think of a spatial division as a refresher for the readers, as otherwise, the general effect is surprise and occasional confusion. Again, these don't happen often within your chapters so I don't think it's a major issue. Just something to keep in mind.
Moving forward to another minor issue, I suggest being more vigilant when introducing new characters, like here in chapter 6 - a thousand cuts where you had been referring to the shop worker as 'little boy' and suddenly labelled him as Taehyung:
The boy snorted, "Hospital. His other wife is sick, you see." And Sehun didn't know what to say to that. He watched Taehyung work about the shop, trying to find a fancy box like he had asked.
Properly introducing Taehyung to the readers would continue the reading flow and avoid any abrupt reactions. For example, my initial response was, 'Who's Taehyung'?. Mentioning new characters within dialogue by other characters is fine, like how Jongin spoke of Jia in chapter 5 - we found wonderland. However, with mentioning new characters in narration, it's important to give proper description to the characters so the readers aren't confused and the reading flow isn't dirsupted.
To sum up, the minor issues are quite strict pickups, where they don't significantly influence the reading flow and absorption of the story, but they do add up. With those, I would recommend being a bit more mindful. What can be the focus of improvement though is increasing more visual content description just to add to the spark of the read and continue setting the scene for the readers. I can already see you have a talent for it so I would like to see more of it.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow of the story was overall very controlled on your part. There aren't any major sections of the composition that I thought were unreasonably rushed or taken too slow. I did find a few instances where flow was temporarily disrupted, including the one I've discussed above in the previous category where there was a time jump between Junmyeon's perspective to Yerim's, which inserting a division to separate the scenes should quickly fix. The steady pace of the narration complemented the distinctive sections of the storyline pleasantly, from Sehun's receipt of Joohyun's letters to moving to New York and starting a journey with Irene. Sufficient attention is given to the more significant scenes to ease the readers into the story. I can clearly pick out which are the major parts of invisible string and which are the minor scenes.
However, as mentioned above, there are several points where you forget to introduce the next scene. Sometimes these gaps just need an extra sentence to let the readers know a change in setting or point in the story has happened, other times it may be more appropriate to insert a spatial division. Here's an example from Chapter 22 - fearless:
Jennie made him change twice. Sehun was advised out of his white t-shirt into a half sleeved shirt with watermelons printed on the soft material. With haste, he pushed the ends of his shirt inside his pants. Dressing up was a real hassle. But he wanted to look perfect, especially if he was going to ask her that question today. She was standing at the bus stop when he stopped some meters away to fix his hair. He was so giddy, only he knew.
Their eyes met and Sehun shyly returned her smile. She jumped in the middle of the sidewalk and waved at him. She was dressed less formally, mainly because she wasn’t coming from one of her classes at the university. Sehun walked towards her, wondering if the watermelons looked stupid. But she barely looked anywhere else other than at his eyes.
Here the change in scene prompted from 'She was standing at the bus stop...' but we had spent so long in Sehun's room with Jennie on the phone that, to me, it didn't register we had already moved on. This is especially so as the change in scene happens in the same paragraph. The reading effect on me was confusion - how did we go from a facetime call in Sehun's room to meeting Irene outside so quick? Another element contributing to the confusion is not naming Irene. 'She' can easily be interpreted as Jennie, as our narrator was just interacting with her. A final example where the scene altered too abruptly in the same chapter:
There was no movie chosen. Sehun cooked in an unfamiliar kitchen and she sat on the counter, writing on her notepad the little comments here and there. Sehun liked this silence that he had with her. Never did he feel like he was talking to himself. Her presence was so prominent that he never felt like doubting his decision.
“Do you need me to come?”
Missing identification of letting us know Sehun has made a call to Yerim or vice versa makes for a confusing absoprtion of the slight alteration in scene. A quick sentence should resolve this with little issue. I'm sure it's just a simple slip-up on your end but if you had intended it to be this way and disagree with my recommendations, I'd be interested to know what the intention was. Otherwise, continue staying vigilant!
grammar (7.5)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 1.5/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
There are more than a couple of grammatical errors littered throughout your chapters. Most of these seem to be silly mistakes which hopefully another round of edit should pick up and fix. The only major issue I came across is the tag-verb collision. If you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation mark ( " ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation mark. Examples are below, along with other mistakes, though note these aren't all the errors I came across. Let me know if you need clarification on anything.
Chapter 1 - the king of hearts
"Not a good idea," he smirked, sealing the envelop with his thumb before heaving a sigh at the sight of it.
"Not a good idea," he smirked, sealing the envelope with his thumb before heaving a sigh at the sight of it.
Chapter 2 - forgot that you existed
The older guy shook his head, "I know no one by that name."
The older guy shook his head. "I know no one by that name."
"That I could use? My memory isn't really well with names of girls, I'm sorry," that right there explained his character, so many girls in his life that he didn't care for a name.
"That I could use? My memory isn't really well with names of girls, I'm sorry." That right there explained his character, so many girls in his life that he didn't care for a name.
Junmyeon only smiled at him, "How is the Math Club holding up? You're the president, I suppose?"
Junmyeon only smiled at him. "How is the Math Club holding up? You're the president, I suppose?"
"Thank you," Sehun nodded, "Thank you so much," there wasn't a smile on his face.
"Thank you," Sehun nodded. "Thank you so much," there wasn't a smile on his face.
"Stop it. You're ruining English for me," He cut in. "So is this your way of telling me you're gonna fail the exam?"
Jennie's shoulders fell, "Basically."
"Stop it. You're ruining English for me," he cut in. "So is this your way of telling me you're gonna fail the exam?"
Jennie's shoulders fell. "Basically."
She rolled her eyes, "That's your way of telling me you've aced yours?"
She rolled her eyes. "That's your way of telling me you've aced yours?"
Chapter 14 - it's time to go
She waltz around, like a drunk dancer, before disappearing again, most probably lying on her bed as she cried some more.
She waltzed around, like a drunk dancer, before disappearing again, most probably lying on her bed as she cried some more.
Chapter 16 - the heartbreak prince
No, it was sent to heer.
No, it was sent to her.
“Alright,” Sehun hung up.
“Alright.” Sehun hung up.
Yerim sounded a little uneasy, “Um...the thing is...I really need you to come here, Sehun.”
Yerim sounded a little uneasy. “Um...the thing is...I really need you to come here, Sehun.”
Sehun narrowed his brows, “How can I not,” he mumbled under his breath, “Where are you?”
Sehun narrowed his brows. “How can I not,” he mumbled under his breath. “Where are you?”
“Hi,” he found himself saying, “Were you studying?”
“Hi,” he found himself saying, “were you studying?”
Chapter 17- i see daylight
And jel your hair out of your freaking forehead--”
And gel your hair out of your freaking forehead--”
Chapter 20 - hey dorothea
I...had father when I was her age.
I...had a father when I was her age.
Chapter 21 - coney island
His eyes ran along the lines and he thought it must be his head, playing with him, he saw her handwriting everywhere, especially in Irene’s notebooks And sometimes in Yerim’s homework too there will be this mark of Bae Joohyun, as if she had blinded him with her false love.
His eyes ran along the lines and he thought it must be his head, playing with him, he saw her handwriting everywhere, especially in Irene’s notebooks. And sometimes in Yerim’s homework too there will be this mark of Bae Joohyun, as if she had blinded him with her false love.
Chapter 22 - fearless
“You know, I wish but....no. I was...crossing the street with Emily and there was a shooting going on.
“You know, I wish but....no. I was...crossing the street with Emily and there was a shoot going on.
Note here a shooting is very different from a photoshoot...
Chapter 26 - blank space
Sehun smiled, the smile didn't reach his eyes.
Sehun smiled, though the smile didn't reach his eyes.
Chapter 27 - closure
Now we're on the clear.
Now we're in the clear.
Above example I would say you could keep as it's Irene's written message, which arguably can allow for grammatical errors. Up to you.
It was weird, her heart still fluttered at the sophistication of his pen's every , did that make her shallow she thought.
It was weird, her heart still fluttered at the sophistication of his pen's every . Did that make her shallow, she thought.
There was the sign of abandonment on it's wooden porch, and in the untended yard on both her sides.
There was the sign of abandonment on its wooden porch, and in the untended yard on both her sides.
Irene pushed the door close behind herself before peaking inside.
Irene pushed the door closed behind herself before peeking inside.
Fishing the notepad and pen out of her handbag, she sat down adjascent to him.
Fishing the notepad and pen out of her handbag, she sat down adjacent to him.
I couldn't have yours letter stop coming.
I couldn't have your letters stop coming.
Chapter 30 - long live
"I broke a leg...though I don't think it's broken anymore," He answered.
"I broke a leg...though I don't think it's broken anymore," he answered.
"--and I was going to say yes but...I know it's too early to trust anyone," he continued, "Oh, it's my bath time."
"--and I was going to say yes but...I know it's too early to trust anyone," he continued. "Oh, it's my bath time."
She was about to hide her face and closer her eyes but a sudden pain emerged from the right side of her head.
She was about to hide her face and close her eyes but a sudden pain emerged from the right side of her head.
"Are you....are you okay?" She asked, eyes wide and covered by the shadow of her trendy snapback.
"Are you....are you okay?" she asked, eyes wide and covered by the shadow of her trendy snapback.
With his desgin of words, the graceful language that slashed at her heart and the elegance in his handwriting, it was safe to say he was born in the wrong era.
With his design of words, the graceful language that slashed at her heart and the elegance in his handwriting, it was safe to say he was born in the wrong era.
Their eyes met when his tall warm fingers, accidenly she supposed, slid under her sweater.
Their eyes met when his tall warm fingers, accidentally she supposed, slid under her sweater.
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, I found the foundation of the storyline to be quite interesting being founded upon the chance of Joohyun's letters going to Sehun instead of Junmyeon. I thought this was going to make for a very sweet storyline, especially with Sehun moving to New York and actually meeting Irene in person, against all odds. Additionally, I appreciate the significance and relevance given to the title, as I'm a er for titles completely encompassing storylines. I appeal to the way you brand your story and chapters to Taylor's songs - I thought it quite creative how you were able to link each chapter to a quote and song title. Though I'm not particularly a vivid Taylor fan, my first live concert was hers, and for that I'll always forever hold a soft spot for her. So love the Taylor theme.
I don't usually read requests twice, but for invisible string I did. On first read, I didn't enjoy the story and I couldn't work out why. It was clear to me the storyline was intriguing and I did appeal to your writing style, but I didn't find myself invested in the fic, during and by the end of the fic. So I read it again. Knowing how it all goes down in the end and being now familiar with your writing style allowed me to appreciate the read a lot more. I could see you've written the story really well and from all my observations above, I really am impressed with how your story turned out. But on reflection, I think there was too much fluff for me. To reiterate on an objective basis, I did find your characters and the events very believable, but I think everything aligned too smoothly for Sehun which I don't really appeal to. Although Sehun has his fair share of hardships, I thought how things were turning out didn't add to my enjoyment - things such as Sehun falling into a smooth friendship with Junmyeon (I was expecting more conflict from the latter's role from the story of the plot), a strong and headfirst attraction between Sehun and Irene, and the latter finding out Sehun had deceived her with the letters and then making up within the next few chapters. I guess if conflicts between the main characters escalated further, that would win me over. Though I'm content you gave the story a happy ending, I expected more. This is very subjective though, I do think other readers would have immensely enjoyed how your fic turned out.
Overall, you've scored very high in this review - Plot, Characterisation and Content Description are my biggest areas of critique, and as seen above, you've got all the points. All in all, I think invisible string is an incredible composition which should ensnare many readers. This story will also be going on our feature list :) As I'm sure you already are, I hope you've very proud of your work. Let me know if there's anything else you'd like me to address. Thanks for requesting!
total score (93)
thank you for requesting at lust. we hope you will provide feedback.
Comments