Abyss is Where I Found You
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!abyss is where i found you
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » jeonjungmelle
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » Fluff, Romance, Pining
description » Jungkook x Jin went on a date at a romantic Cycladic island of Santorini, Greece ♡ Bon Voyage S5 shooting in Santorini has officially ended. Jungkook took this chance to bring Jin-hyung on a date around the island without Jin realizing that it was a date. Jungkook was determined to confess the feelings he had been harboring for the hyung he treasured. But of course, things didn't usually go his way. While overlooking the sunset of Fira, he thought to himself whether he wanted to miss this golden chance. Will Jungkook be able to convey his sincere feelings at the end just like how he'd planned? Or will he continue to hide his feelings as he was afraid it would cost him the relationship they nurtured all these years? Head over to read more about how Jungkook tackled his feelings and how both of them spend their precious off-day discovering the charming hue of Santorini ♡
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
The title has some substance to it, which can come across very appealing to some viewers. I find it worded in a way that ensnares a reader's attention on first impression, prompting them to think about what 'abyss' symbolises and who 'you' indicates. In terms of correlation however, I'm not sure of the link between 'abyss' and your story. 'Abyss' to me screams an angsty read: a character is dealing with someone dark or deep or both, and 'I found you' prompts an outsider's help. Or something similiar to those assumptions. Your story constantly maintains a cute and fluffy read, so I'm confused with the connection. I pay particular attention to the pick of 'abyss', as I feel this can be a word given powerful meaning and in the least induce curiousity in the readers. Labelling a story with complete clarity as to its association to the plot can make a read so much more powerful. Additionally, it can make a story more memorable and lead to reactive thoughts such as 'oh, this is why the story is called "Abyss Is Where I Found You". Something to consider.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The graphic is large! On a laptop I have to scroll twice to see the bottom of it. Not sure if it's the same on a phone or desktop. I think the main issue with this is that there is a lot to look at in the poster, from all the different colours to the various images and incorporation of your characters. I like the blue hues dominating the majority of the poster but would suggest the title be changed to white so it creates a contrast. It would come out a lot clearer against the background blue and make it easier to spot, which is what we want for first impressions. On this note, it's great to see the title is situated at the very top of the poster so it is the first thing the readers would spot. However, I think the insertion of the quote is becoming a bit too much; it demands the white and blue attention that the rest of the poster is illustrating so it can look messy to the eye. If you really love the quote, keep it in there, but I would move it to the bottom so it doesn't act as a distraction to the building and flowers in the background. It may also complement your author credit well since it has the same cursive font. I would then change the colour of the quote so it doesn't blend in with the images of the idols. Sorry if that was a lot, I'm quite picky with graphics. Let me know if you need more clarification!
The choice of the character images I would also change. Majority of the fic, we are more privy to Jungkook's feelings to Jin rather than the other way round. The way Jin is gazing at Jungkook combined with Jungkook smiling at the readers suggest that Jin is noticing more of Jungkook than Jungkook is of Jin. And I think it's the other way round in the storyline. Something to think about. Other than all of the above, love the vibe of the poster. It's giving me happy blue skies and holiday breeze. I was also going to compliment the cheeky motorbike in the background but then I remembered they rode a donkey not a bike so...
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1/2
The description itself is an enticing summary of the one-shot with effective use of rhetorical questions and direct attention to the readers to rein them in. The blurb accurately and appropriately targets the core of the storyline and introduces all the conflicts that Jungkook go through to move the plot along. I like the addition of the outlined hearts as it boosts the aesthetics in my opinion. I will suggest editng the spacing of this paragraph though, as the majority of your Description and Foreword as well as your actual story uses double spacing whereas this extract uses single spacing:
Will Jungkook be able to convey his sincere feelings at the end just like how he'd planned?
Or will he continue to hide his feelings as he was afraid it would cost him the relationship they nurtured all these years?
In addition to this, what comes after the blurb of the story, I suggest moving to the Foreword. So this is from 'For Jeon Jungkook, the five years of age difference that they had was huge' and onwards. We want to keep the Description neat and compact. If there is too much content in the Description, there arises a risk of losing that enticement you had initially created with the blurb. It's not compulsory, but it is safer to move the second section to the Foreword. This would do no harm to the current layout of the Description as this second section is an extension to your summary, so it doesn't represent the foundation of the Description.
Other than that, excellent work with this category overall. The actual Foreword is simple and short, love the playful pick of the two idols. No issues here.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
In terms of the chapter layout, the paragraphs are spaced out very evenly with consistent use of font and font sizes. I was deciding for a while whether I appealed to the frequent insertion of songs. These present a different layout to the majority of your chapter and come out in the middle of narration. However, as these snippets add value to the fic, I let it be. I'm not sure about Jungkook's inner thoughts though towards the end of the read - do they have to be separated and changed to single spacing rather than maintaining double spacing? I think they can be kept in one paragraph with the italicisation to continue the consistency of the story's spacing and reading impact. This is just a matter of personal preference though so entirely up to you. No marks taken off:
Would you accept me if I offered my heart to you, Jin-hyung?
Would you push me away had I been upfront about my feelings towards you, Jin-hyung?
Jin-hyung, would you hear me out on what I have to say?
My sincere feelings, for you…?
PLOT (16)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 7/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 3/10
I think the plot is perfect for readers who want a short and imaginable story featuring their favourite idols. The one-shot is littered with cute scenes serving the purpose of entertaining the readers' imagination. This is even more so as you kept their idol identity, which is probably why most of us are here on this website. Additionally, the manner with which you ended the chapter is playful and distinct. I think it leaves the readers wanting more in a gripping way but not so much that it destroys the reading experience. I see this as a defining feature of Abyss Is Where I Found You and this ramped up some points regarding appeal of the story.
In relation to effect of events and how well the storyline moved, I think more substance in the fic can enhance these two elements. The plot is fairly easy to sum up where Jin and Jungkook go on a date and spend time with each other. And that's pretty much it. There also isn't much development of the romance itself between Jin and Jungkook. What's there stays there until the end of the fic and doesn't change. It's very stagnant in this sense. The effect of this is the risk of the story seeming cliche. Is this just another cute romance fic starring two males who do nothing beyond spending time on a date? What makes this story uniquely yours? What are its definitive themes or features? It's very hard for a cliche read to stay impressionable on the viewers. Will your readers remember Abyss Is Where I Found You? If you think they do, can you name how they would remember it? I don't mean to sound harsh so I apologise if I do and hope you won't take it personally. A plot with very little development also affects characterisation, which I will elaborate in the next category. It's totally fine if you meant for this to be a short glimpse of a what if between Jin and Jungkook and you don't want it to be anything more than the two enjoying time off on their own. I would love to see more happen between the two but respect that you want to keep it a one-shot. I can't give out marks for its stagnancy though, as there is not much effect from events nor development of the storyline.
Just to reiterate, the one-shot is fine on its own; there's nothing wrong with it. It just doesn't have much content, particularly elements that brand it as its own. Thus, whilst it comes across as a pleasantly short read, it can also come across plain and simple. Moving forward, the question would be whether this reaction is enough for you. If you are happy with it, by all means, don't change a thing. But if it is your goal to write a memorable story, I would suggest changing things up.
characterisation (5.5)
development of characters » 0.5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
You've portrayed both Jin and Jungkook to be surefooted in their attraction to each other, each having their individual reasons why they are emotionally invested. The base of their characters are appropriately foundational; it's clear you have put a lot of thought into who you want them to be in Abyss Is Where I Found You. In terms of planning, I can see that you had a great structure to work with.
However, there isn't much development in either of your main characters. As mentioned above, storyline stagnancy likely affects the characters as it gives very little room for development. We want to see our major characters change to keep them interesting, enduring, and relatable. Don't we constantly change in real life? Situations that happen to us force change to our circumstances which in turn coerce us to develop. This should also apply to fictional characters. Both Jin and Jungkook maintain their personas from the start of the story to the end. There is a hint at the conclusion where Jungkook heavily considers confesssing, but this is not confirmed. Did Jungkook get over his fears and finally make the first move? Or did he hold back again and return to his meek and quiet character? Again, considering it is a one-shot, it's quite fine to not see much change in your characters. And I know you want to end the chapter on a tentative note. The effect however, is very little if not zero development in either character. Full marks can't be achieved if there is very little development. Regarding character influence, I'd say the link is strong with both males' actions determining the various directions the story takes. Jin and Jungkook seem to have equal share in deciding what to do next, incurring the next story event, therefore moving the story along. All the boxes ticked with that point.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
Some great descriptive language used across your one-shot with sufficient imagery applied to your characters and setting. The attention given to the sights of Santorini is wonderous and radiates brilliance, as I'm sure this is exactly the impact you wanted to achieve. The inclusion of olfactory description is an extra bonus as I don't see that often in fanfictions, so very happy with that component. Additionally, there is an impressive balance with show and tell, with no overload of one or the other. This is the same for varying dialogue with narration across your composition. I think you did an exemplary job with this category.
As a very nit-picky thing I noticed, sometimes there would be one or two extra words that are unnecessary to your narration. I say this is a very minor pick-up as at first I didn't notice exactly what was bothering me. I realised the impact of this at the end of the read, where if there are too many unnecessary words in the chapter, the narrative tone can lose its effect. An example provided below:
He then immediately turned to his phone screen after confirming that his maknae was not around as there was no sound heard from the next room.
Jin chose not to reply as he knew that the maknae would probably ignore his text. Thus, he decided to just head over to shower and get ready. Well, everybody knew how Jungkook was always late with his response so why bother?
It's not a big issue so it wouldn't make that big of a difference, but here I would cut out a few words:
He then immediately turned to his phone screen after confirming that his maknae was not around as there was no sound heard from the next room.
Jin chose not to reply as he knew that the maknae would probably ignore his text. Thus, He decided to just head over to shower and get ready. Well, everybody knew how Jungkook was always late with his response so why bother?
Small edits that may improve and enhance the reading tone a little better. Again, not a major issue at all, and may not even count as a minor thing. This is just a suggestion based on what I feel. Entirely up to you if you'd want to edit or keep in mind. No marks taken off for this.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow of the story is controlled, grounded and heavily linked with the actions and emotions of Jin and Jungkook. I think this quite appropriate with the apparent goal where you wanted to showcase a short fantasy between the two idols. At no point did I feel a scene was being rushed or dragged on for too long. In addition to this, each scene added value in showcasing the two's attraction to each other to the readers. This proves the pacing of the story is highly suitable and does not risk futility. Great job on this!
grammar (9.5)
punctuation » 3.5/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Punctuation and use of past tense is super consistent which I'm absolutely happy with. Some impressive use of sophisticated language that does wonders to keep the read captivating and refreshed. Excellent job in this respect. Some minor grammatical edits across your chapter, which is not too bad considering the length of it. Nothing another edit shouldn't pick up. I think I've caught every one below. Let me know if you need clarification on anything:
The Golden Maknae’s sweet, puppy-like eyes glinted as his dimples made its appearance.
The Golden Maknae’s sweet, puppy-like eyes glinted as his dimples made their appearance.
He let out a chortle just by imagining Jungkook joked around and played hide and seek with him and tried hard not to be seen.
He let out a chortle just by imagining Jungkook joking around, playing hide and seek with him and trying hard not to be seen.
Jeon Jungkook’s secret dating plan .
Jeon Jungkook’s secret dating plan.
Jin knew how nerve-wrecking it could be to drive around a busy town so he massaged Jungkook’s shoulders and his neck in hope he could take the stress off the younger man.
Jin knew how nerve-wracking it could be to drive around a busy town so he massaged Jungkook’s shoulders and his neck in hope he could take the stress off the younger man.
“Woa, I never knew the bus in Santorini could be this cheap.” Jin commented while adjusting his sunglasses to take a clearer look at the bus information on the tour guide pamphlet in his hands.
“Woa, I never knew the bus in Santorini could be this cheap,” Jin commented while adjusting his sunglasses to take a clearer look at the bus information on the tour guide pamphlet in his hands.
He felt as if the scenery, the sunset and Jin-hyung, almost up his soul to the point that he couldn’t breath.
He felt as if the scenery, the sunset and Jin-hyung, almost up his soul to the point that he couldn’t breathe.
taste of story (6)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, the story was too fluffy for me. I appeal to more intense plots, heavy with angst or action or both. So for me, a fic with a few scenes of two characters spending time together wasn't particularly riveting. I did enjoy the characters somewhat; I don't think I come across a lot of BTS stories in my review shop, so Abyss Is Where I Found You was refreshing in this regard. Overall, I think I would have enjoyed the read better if there was more substance to it. This is so I can ease myself into the fluffy atmosphere and spend more time with your characters, so that they might become impressionable to me. This is just my opinion though, and again, I appreciate you wanted to keep it a one-shot, so this is not a bad thing at all. Other than that, extremely happy with the pacing of the story and your grammatical sense. And generally, I do love a quick read. Thanks for requesting and all the best with your next story! Feel free to reach out again with anything you need :)
total score (72)
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