A World That Is You - 82
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » misslulufats
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 23
genres » Fantasy, Drama, Romance
description » Luhan suddenly wakes up in another world, wherein his first love, Wu Shixun, is alive; and is living as Oh Sehun, a popular actor.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
title (4)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 1/1
A World That Is You hints a romantic and likely cheesy read, but it's arranged in a way that it interests and entices the readers. If I were scrolling through a list of fanfiction, I would click into your story. So far I can see some relevance of the plot to the title, as there is constant focus on Sehun from Luhan's perspective. At this stage in the story, however, it is not entirely clear how the title precisely frames the story. I can make an indirect link that Sehun is Luhan's world, on the basis that he is Luhan's love, but I would like to see some more substance to this (as it gets cliche from here). Alternatively, consider different ways to deliver your plot to really drive that 'World' significance home to the readers. Nonetheless, you are on the right track. So far so good!
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
I'm really happy with the graphics. The overall vibe that the hues give hints the constant angst with a touch of serenity, as it's not an overwhelmingly dark atmosphere. Positioning of the characters is fine, and I particularly like how Luhan and Sehun are facing different directions. Pictures speak words, so those specific images of the idols were chosen very well. Their facial expressions clue the readers in on how they will be portrayed in the fanfiction. Although the title is at risk of blending in with Luhan's dark grey gear, the background behind it isn't as distracting, nor are there any quotes to draw the eye away. A really good submission.
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1/2
The Description is very neat and succinct. It gives a very appropriate introduction to your story without revealing too much of it. I think you've done an excellent job here. Content in the Foreword is also relevant and appropriate - there is a lot of substance there though, with various spacing indents and use of italicisation and bold font. This may be visually overwhelming to readers. As this isn't a major issue however, it would be absolutely fine to leave things as they are.
story layout (3)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
There are some inconsistent uses of your dividers across the chapters. In some instances, you would use several spaces with nothing in between, other times, a hyphen ( - ), and more frequently, the repeating hyphens and right arrow signs (these vary in length and are therefore also inconsistently utilised). It would be a major improvement to keep your dividers neat and uniform for better presentation to the readers. Chapter 9 - a cruel fate is a predominant example of inconsistent divisions. Other than that, the font and font size are kept consistent, so well done in those regards.
PLOT (24)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 9/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 8/10
The plot is presented clearly and quite straightforward to the readers. Luhan belongs to an alternate world where people of the same face and name exist. I think it's engaging to see that some characters retain no part of their alternate self (i.e. Sehun) whereas others seem to have travelled in the same mind and body (like Gyu). I think this keeps the readers constantly curious and on their toes. Commonly, authors draw from a very cliche plot and struggle to turn it into something of their own - I think you have very little issues in this respect. Situations constantly occur and challenge Luhan to respond, effectually moving the storyline along. I can also sense that you have further drama planned - the only thing I would keep in mind is making sure that you solve problems within the story before you continue adding more. Too many issues may overwhelm the readers and it becomes very difficult to fully absorb what's being thrown on Luhan. Otherwise, I'd say you have a very promising plot and have done well to develop it so far.
With regard to the portrayal of the plot, however, I do want to discuss one predominant issue. It's interesting to perceive the story in Luhan's narration presented to Sehun, almost like a diary of sorts. There is an immense amount of focus on Sehun to the point where his character is the epitome of the plot, and events that occur occasionally become mere side effects. Although this has framed A World That Is You, it takes away a lot of components that commonly drive a well-written story. As an example, the excessive amount of focus on Sehun has caused neglect in questionable aspects - Luhan is clearly from a different world and era, however, his perception of the modern world and his confusion to adapt is very glossed over. This would also relate to Content Description below, but the effects leak into the ease of absorbing the plot. I personally would have experienced the shock alongside Luhan with better ease if a little more time and attention were directed to Luhan's intake of the modern world, especially him coming from an ancient era. Whilst I can appreciate that some readers are purely enjoying Luhan's attention on Sehun, other readers who look for realistic scenarios may not be as intrigued. Some readers may even find the constant pining over Sehun a little tedious. However, if you are very happy with the way you present the narration, then I would suggest no change to it. I'm sure there is still a majority of readers who genuinely enjoy the predominant focus on Sehun as the main driver of the storyline.
On another note, I would like to see more cohesion regarding Gyu and Chen's role in the present world. The mention of them unquestionably indicates omimous and unfortunate happenings. Their occasional abrupt appearances show that you haven't neglected them and I'm excited to see how you reveal their true roles in the present world, in comparison with the alternate world. At this stage, however, their appearances are very limited - when they do pop up in the story, it is for the shortest amount of time. It's clear that these two characters are the main causes of downfall for Luhan, so I hope you have very big plans for how they will act in future events, and how Luhan and Sehun will react to these occurrences.
characterisation (8)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
So far I think you are on a good track with the development of your main characters. It's clear that Luhan is constantly affected by the situations around him, and the changes associated with his persona will inevitably push the story along. However, Luhan's character appears to stay stagnant despite constant change in dynamic with his relationship with Sehun and various dramatic events challenging your characters. It's very easy to describe who Luhan is in A World That Is You. He appears to be a very weak and vulnerable type of guy, despite being an autonomous warrior in the past, and subject to respond very easily in accordance to the events that affect him. Although this adds character to the story, I would suggest keeping in mind how long Luhan's personality can stay stagnant for - all these events are happening and Sehun is also responding differently to Luhan nowadays, we need to see some change to Luhan, for better or for worse. Either he can grow stronger or weaker. To have him maintain the same level of weak resolve doesn't really make sense considering the amount of situations that hit him, and particularly, the extremity of each event. It should irk some chanage in the man. In contrast, you're doing well with applying change for Sehun. This character started out strong and confident in his career and attitude towards life prior to meeting Luhan, and now his feelings and determinations are evolving in response to new variables. He is now questioning what was once a very comfortable and ambitious life, and further, the conventional acceptance of the man-and-woman relationship. Some food for thought.
content description (5.5)
quantity » 2.5/5
quality » 3/5
There are a few issues I want to go over in this category. As mentioned above, there are some parts to the story where description is lacking. I suspect this is because of the excessive attention on Sehun. Words that would be spent on describing locations and scenery are instead replaced by how Luhan repsonds to Sehun, what Luhan thinks about Sehun, how Luhan feels about Sehun, what those feelings and thoughts about Sehun mean for Luhan. I would suggest being more aware of this and ensuring that you are incorporating sufficient amount of description for your settings and events. Another point worth dedicating time and attention to is the description of characters. You shouldn't assume that your readers know what your characters look like, and this I refer to all your characters, major ones being Sehun and minor ones being Hana. Sometimes authors forget the description is very important and involuntarily let the readers run wild with their imagination. You should give us constant direction with imagery so we can perceive the story the way that you perceive it, or want us to perceive.
Next, I would advise you to be careful of the occasional perspective changes. Though rare, the switches from Luhan's first-person narration to Sehun's third-person, and the occasional 'outsider' third-person (where neither character makes a claim of narrating to the readers) disrupt the reading familiarity you have set up by mainly sticking to Luhan's narration. Since the telling of the story to Sehun by Luhan is so distinctive, it's almost illogical for the readers to have a taste of what Sehun feels on the other end. You've committed us to feel through Luhan's mind and body, and any leakage of Sehun's or author's point of view would inevitably affect that. As an example, Chapter 17 - cherry blossom. is narrated from the author's perspective. Although it provides insight into Sehun's thoughtfulness, it disrupts the familiarity of living in Luhan's shoes. Further, when narrating in any one's perspective (let's take the common example of Luhan's point of view), the readers shouldn't be privy to any other character's true thoughts and feelings. If the readers are Luhan, the most we can draw from the other characters are assumptions, based on actions, inferences and character dialogue. There were several instances where you revealed other character's true mind and feelings that weren't warranted, so just be aware of that in your future writings.
The final point I want to discuss is incorporating more showing over telling. Some paragraphs were written very tastefully, so you are very much capable of presenting your narration in an enticing manner. Showing over telling would mean not saying the scene as it is - show how Luhan responds to Sehun's character, rather than blandly stating it as it is. For example, 'you make me feel happy' can be supported by how Sehun makes Luhan feel on the inside. Further, you can show us the effect Sehun has on Luhan. This would be one of the times where I would use extracts from your story in case you don't see my point. Otherwise, it's a little hard to offer any more than this explanation. Let me know if you need further assistance.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
I think you have a good handle on flow. You keep it at a very controlled pace. At some times it's not evenly paced but I think it's very appropriate in accordance with the weight of significance of each event and Luhan's thought process. No issues here.
grammar (10)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Your grammar is impeccable, I found very few mistakes and no major issues. The only things I would bring up are trying out a more advanced vocabulary, which would include using more sophisticated language to spice up the tone of your narration, and one spelling error I came across. I suspect you're misspelling the noun 'advice' - if you were to use its verb, the correct spelling is 'advise'. I spotted one in an author's note and also in Chapter 20 - destined killer. Otherwise, keep up the amazing effort!
taste of story (8.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3.5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally I'm enjoying A World That Is You so far. It doesn't seem that you're on the verge of completion, yet I found no major issues, and the minor ones I came across aren't at the expense of the story. Personally I'm not a fan of same- pairings, but I don't quite mind it here. As discussed above, the constant focus and attention on Sehun, combined with the narration style directed to Sehun was a little too cheesy for me. As you write a lot of words in your chapter, it gets a little repetitive as well. However, that is my personal opinion and I'm sure there're many readers who enjoy otherwise. Flow and grammar pose no problems at all, which I'm very happy with, as this has definitely boosted my reading experience. I have complete faith that you'll continue doing a good job, and wish you all the best. Sorry for the long wait for this review and let me know if you have any questions!
total score (82)
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