A Marriage of Inconvenience
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A marriage of inconvenience
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reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
Title (3.5/5)
Your title offers an appealing and an aesthetic (because it just does) look. Somehow, I feel that your title perfectly sums up your story however it's a little blurred in the middle, as I'm assuming by "inconvenience" you are referring to how Yuki is attracted to Suho and vice versa? If this is the case, I'd be careful when bringing this strange, mysterious into the light as you would have to make sure your story doesn't sway too far from the arranged marriarge situation; the ultimate aspect of which the title is tied to. I wouldn't say that your title would pull readers in if some were scrolling through a list of fanficion because what your title indirectly states is "an arranged marriage" - a plot we all see in many fanfictions created on this website. This, I think would be what keeps the readers back but personally, I have a liking towards you "A Marriage of Inconvenience".
Graphics (4.5/5)
The poster gives off a grand aura and I am really liking how each picture is separated by a thin border; it's really contributing to the immaculateness of the graphic. So far I see no symbolism that permanently ties the poster to the story but that's okay since you are still early in the story. The font of the title really makes me root for this story even more - I guess I have a thing for elegant-looking features. I hope you make use of what the two rings attached implies.
The background is mainly a pastel light-purple colour which looks really nice. It gives off the pure feeling of the story, as does the poster for the foreword. As readers follow the text, they will be seeing the pastel colour in their peripheral vision and half of their emotions come from what mood the background colour promotes, thus deeming the background just as important as the poster, if not more.
The only thing I want to point out is the username labelled on the poster. The thing is, when I jumped onto your story to start reading it, I was a little taken aback having to see two different usernames on the same story. Stealing someone's poster was out of the question as you have given me the link of your story and Pocpocpockii on the form, so my second thought was that maybe SmilingDaze was a co-author and the original author had passed it on to the co-author. All in all, I realised that you just had a username change (and just out of curiousity, did you perhaps base your new name after your relationship? Unnecessary to answer xD) and my advice is to ask for a re-do from your graphic artist (because finding another poster that is as exquisite as this will be a pain in the ) so other readers are not confused. This problem is especially noticeable as Pocpocpockii is placed at the top of the poster, right under where the author's username belongs to in the information section. But it's been three months since, so I'm pretty sure the artist would have gotten rid of the artwork by now.
Description and Foreword: (5/10)
The description contains a really strong and engaging overview of the story. It feels like an exceptional blurb from a legitimate published story. I think this is one of the few stories I've encountered where the description isn't spilt up into paragraphs and sentences to further build on the suspense. It still acts just as effective in one paragraph alone, and to me I think this is a lot better as some readers tend to skip lines because they're just too excited to know what's next. Shorter paragraphs not only make that easier, but encourages it.
Now that the compliments are done, I'm going to slap you for the grammatical mistakes. They are hard to be found if Grammar Nazis are not sniffing around your story, and I don't think I'm that obsessed to call myself a Grammar Nazi but I easily pick up on these errors, so I guess I come close to one xD?
The first error I came across, is the sentence "Until, her father needs one request."
Until is a conjuction (joining two independent clauses that have some relation towards each other) and can not stand alone with a dependent clause, in which this case, is "her father needs one request". Maybe you were writing up this description on a whim and missed this while editing but if you go back to reading the sentence more slowly, it will sound like the sentence suddenly drops dead. Or rather, that's what it should sound like.
Corrections will be packed up nicely below so for now I am going to state the other mistakes.
The second one isn't a grammatical mistake but it really caught me off guard so I highly advise you to change it. When I read "Her" right after "her father needs one last request", I immediately thought that the father wanted her physically and I was like "whoa alrighty then". I'm not sure if any other viewers thought the same thing, and them and I stood corrected when we got to the end of the description but I am not usually one with a corrupted mind so that thought shouldn't have been there in my head as the first thought. It's just the way you put it in that made it sound like her father wanted Yuki ually.
There should be a comma after "twenty-two years ago" as two time periods are being stated in one sentence, a "he" is missing between "back" and "used", and a question mark should be ending the description rather than a period.
I have emboldened corrections and those which have not been mentioned, I changed because it sounded a little off.
Hwang Yuki's father has always depended on her for help. Yuki never minded it until a certain incident where things went horribly wrong. That was the past and now Yuki is ready to move forward with her life, until her father makes one last request. A request that is so absurd that it causes breakdowns and outrages for the girl. In an unfortunate circumstance twenty-two years ago, Hwang Yoon Shik lost everything and in order to gain it back, he used the only piece of collateral he had left. His daughter. Now, Yuki is being forced into marriage with the son of the deal broker: the one and only, Park Chanyeol. If not, Yuki risks losing her family's legacy forever. Family always comes first with Yuki, but what happens when love gets in the way and her past comes back to haunt her?
Author's Note and Credits should be in the Foreword section rather than in the Description, as should the character chart instead of it being put up as a chapter. In regards to "Meet The Characters", I think you've missed out the "Most Likely Found" for Yuki which brings me to ask: why is it written "Yoo Ki" when you use "Yuki" in the story content?
Personally, I don't like character charts that give more than a sentence's worth of information. I just prefer for the character's features to be shown through the story.
Story Layout: (2/5)
The chapter layout is nice and suits well with the background however I'm confused as to why you have indented paragraphs that do not contain a character's speech. Indenting is found in novels and that only applies to the first line of each paragraph whether a character is speaking or not, save for the first paragraph or sentence of a chapter or after a division. I will give you an example of what I mean:
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Saskia stared at the bright blue globe as she concentrated her inner strength into the dim white light seen inside the crystal ball. She gave a little gasp as the light ever so slightly flickered, and gradually grew to a much larger, visible source of heat. Lmao what am I saying I made that up just to take space omg how long is this going to take? Just pretend that this is part of the story. . . Funny how the first two sentences took me half a minute to write and my rant, like ten seconds.
Saskia la la la. She said this and yeah.
Now I'm going to put a divison below, which is just the blank space.
Dispersed into another land, far, far away, another being stared into the globe, the face of Saskia illuminating the crystal ball.
"Yes." A tongue slipped out from its cavern and ran along dry, cracking lips. "Yes."
That was creepy. Sorry.
As you know, using the "increase indent" function on this website will indent the whole paragraph, unless it's just one sentence and so I have used the function for sentences that do not carry on to the next line. AFF not allowing you to indent the first sentence of a paragraph is annoying so many authors don't do indent at all (and many just aren't aware of the indenting use).
After Chapter Five (Fourth Ring) I've noticed that you've left an extra line separating a dialogue chunk from paragraphs without someone speaking. This is unnecessary and it bothered me a tiny bit while I was reading the story.
However, since you've progressed quite steadily in the story, if you're happy and comfortable with using your format with indenting paragraphs and sentences, I won't ask you to change what is there and start going by the correct way.
I'd also like to mention, that if you're not going to write in first person, then you shouldn't state who's perspective we will be reading through.
Another big thing is that I've noticed you've kept your paragraphs pretty chunky when some should be split into parts. Though some sentences relate to the same idea, not all flow nicely with each other which is why new lines should always be used. Pointers on how to decide whether to start a new paragraph or not are:
- if a character starts/stops their speech. Exceptions include when a character acts upon the dialogue, for example, "Goodbye!" She ended the call and shoved the device back into her jean pocket, sighing in despair. What would he ever do without her? (Note here that these sentences relate to what the character has said, therefore they can belong in the same paragraph).
- when a new idea is introduced, and do not get tricked by this as an idea can be as small as dragging a chair backwards and sitting down.
- when a character starts/stops their train of thought, for example, Really . . . I do sometimes wonder when our time would end together; I hope she's okay.
He sat there immobile as a tear slipped down his cheeks.
I hope you're okay, my love.
And those are pretty much the main reasons why you would start a new paragraph.
Plot: (20/30)
Arranged marragies are one of the trending stories found here on AFF and to me, I find that this concept restricts the writer in many ways. It's either going to be either, one of the couple despises the relationship and tries to rebel, both disapproves of the idea and go against their parents' set up, or one of the two mentioned but one or both will eventually grow to take a liking to each other. The three are what most arranged marriage plots will eventually end up telling, and the only way to make the story original on its own, is to find situations (which will also most likely be cliche) that affect one or both of the couple, and make the characters react to the issue, in which this case you have drawn out the Suho and mysterious guy cards. Through Yuki's spontaneous personality, she was able to catch me off guard, for example, how she walked out on the first request of modelling in the photoshoot, and I think her personality is what's going to be the strongest lifter of your story. I don't have to think for a second thought that Yuki will give more twists to the plot as her relationship with Suho progresses on, and when the (I keep saying that so lmao if he hadn't, for whatever reason you have concealed, her at all) starts striking a siginificant value in the fanfiction.
I will label your story as relatively original as I haven't seen many stories where the main character is really close with an idol and is able to hang around freely with her (in this case, it's Jiyeon). I like how you've embedded the arranged marriage with the fact that EXO is blooming with stardom.
You mention in Chapter Nine (Eighth Ring) that Yuki hasn't seen her father since the day of the breakfast, however didn't he visit her in her apartment the other day and begged Yuki to accepted the arranged marriage?
Also, I have noticed that you had taken a jump when Yuki goes to EXO dorm's to find Chanyeol in which they visit the latter's father in regards to their arranged marriage (or something else . . .) however you never showcased their meeting to us nor confirmed what it is they were after, or the results. To be honest, I didn't actually notice this until I went back over your story to review it.
The loss of marks are from the cliche plot and nearing complication, as well as the fact that I haven't read enough for me to award more marks which is totally fine as you are still early in the story.
I'd like to say that I love stories that connect to coutries outside of Asia as I feel a little more included, and I'd like to thank you as I have definitely learnt and finalised some Korean terms with the few references you have made. It's a great aspect to have in your story.
Characterization: (10/10)
You've introduced all the characters really well, and I can easily see the development with Yuki, Chanyeol and Suho. As said earlier before, Yuki's personality is really driving on the story and I hope you use her attitude to its full potential. Each character has their own individual, distinct features and I know that you will perfectly manipulate the characters in reacting to hazardous situations.
The close relationship between Jun and Yuki contrasts well with the one-sided-hideous one shared between Yuki and her father. This really brings out both sides of the main character, where she can be sweet and loving with one person, but if she has it for someone else, they're really going to get it.
Though cliche, Suho and Chanyeol's rotation around Yuki and how they are changing according to her actions and exposed emotions really drives the story on for the readers (well, I at least) and I hope by the end of the fanfiction, we all can clearly see just how much they have changed, and the enormous gap from who they used to be before they met Yuki, and where they currently are.
You've done well in the category; excellent is what I will say.
Content Description (8.5/10)
Here, I have no problem with as you perfectly explain each situation without leaving the readers behind. You elaborate decently; not lacking information nor bombarding us. You've hyperlinked image URLs onto words which is impossible if you wanted this to turn out to be a legitmate novel, however I think clicking and viewing these images are fun (and I know that finding them is just as fun, if not more), you don't overuse this enjoyable way of not having to write out a lengthy sentence or two, and after some pictures, you have given a brief description anyway so I won't frown on this too much. The one and a half mark is lost as it's informal and definitely unprofessional to include images, and as mentioned from the last point, some pictures had description afterwards (though not all are necessary, such as describing the apartment or her bedroom as they are pretty standard).
Flow: (5/5)
You have got an excellent grasp of manouvering the flow to a steady, relaxed pace, and are able to pick it up with ease when need be. Not once in the story did I feel like anything was unnecessarily rushed. I hope you are able to keep this decent flow as you start to launch into the of the story.
You have got an excellent grasp of manouvering the flow to a steady, relaxed pace, and are able to pick it up with ease when need be. Not once in the story did I feel like anything was unnecessarily rushed. I hope you are able to keep this decent flow as you start to launch into the of the story.
Grammar: (5/10)
You've used a vast variety of vocabulary: something we do not see often in fanfictions here. There are typographical errors in the chapters that another run-over of the chapter wouldn't scrape up on along with other mistakes and I have noted down the errors in a chapter I found the most errors in for you.
You've used a vast variety of vocabulary: something we do not see often in fanfictions here. There are typographical errors in the chapters that another run-over of the chapter wouldn't scrape up on along with other mistakes and I have noted down the errors in a chapter I found the most errors in for you.
Before I launch into that though, I'd like to correct you on your collision of the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (he laughed, she asked, they said) after a character's speech then a comma must be put before the ending quotation mark and the first letter of the first word should be in lower case. Here are two examples:
[Chapter Eight: Seventh Ring] "I would, but he's a guest of Yuki's," The photographer said.
Correction: "I would, but he's a guest of Yuki's," the photographer said.
[Chapter Six: Fifth Ring] "Yuki, calm down," My father said, using Jun's earlier calm tactic.
Correction: "Yuki, calm down," my father said, using Jun's earlier calm tactic.
Of course you don't have to put the first letter of the first word in lower case if it's a character's name. However, if you put an action sentence after a character's dialogue then a period must replace the comma and the first letter of the first word should be in upper case.
[Chapter Six: Fifth Ring] "Depends," Suho closed the bedroom door, crossed the room, and took up residence next to Chanyeol.
Correction: "Depends." Suho closed the bedroom door, crossed the room, and took up residence next to Chanyeol.
[Chapter Four: Third Ring] "You know why, Jun," I plopped down on the couch and sat next to him, slinging my legs over his lap.
Correction: "You know why, Jun." I plopped down on the couch and sat next to him, slinging my legs over his lap.
Below are errors from Chapter Eight: Seventh Ring. Italics are quotes from your story, mistakes are crossed out and emboldened words are corrections. Sentences in brackets are any necessary explanations. Please be aware that any flaws regarding to the collision of the tag-verb agreement are not included in the edit.
CHAPTER EIGHT: SEVENTH RING
Suho watched as Yuki and the two other guys hung around the refreshments table; refreshments' table, eating and laughing and enjoying each others others' company. One of the guys, the youngest looking one, has had his arm around Yuki's shoulder. She pushed the kids kid's arm away, but that didn't stop the pang of jealousy Suho felt deep inside.
The photographer followed Suho's finger over to the refreshments refreshments' table.
Because it just so happened to be that the photo shoot Chanyeol was apart a part of was being funded by his father and was apart a part of my fathers father's new line of vintage jewelry jewellery.
It was just another part of fathers father's disgusting plan to gain more business partners and more money. Use his beautiful sixteen year old daughter to show case showcase the gorgeous diamonds. No one can resist a winning smile, smoky eyes, and a sixteen year olds bare-back old's .
[If there is a "more" before "business partners", then a "more" is implied before "money" therefore you do not have to put it there. If, however you weren't intending to put "more" before "money" then a comma should go after "partners" to separate the two things.]
My body tightened and y body felt as if there was fire coursing through my veins.
[Our body can't technically "tighten", so I think you mean tense. Anyhow, I think just having the last half of the sentence sounds a lot more effective in a short sentence.]
I pulled open Ppalchungs Ppalchung's door and threw my bag into the back seat and practically threw myself inside as well.
Because...Because I think I might have feelings for my best friends friend's girl."
"I don't ant want to know if you feel the same way or if you don't.
If I heard correctly he said' his best friends friend's girl'.
That no one outside the immediate family know knew what was going on and now Myung Dae, a teenage student at my high school, knew. I sharpky sharply turned to Myung dae Dae and grabbed his hands into in mine.
I sat inside the underground parking lot and watched as everyone pilled piled out of their vans and began setting everything up, of course most of it was already put together when we arrived.
I watched the EXO van pull up beside my car and watches watched as the six guys filed out of the van.
The light laughter made it's its way to my ears and I could feel butterflies going wild in my belly.
As Joon Myun lead led me to the shoot director, I spotted Chanyeol in my peripheral.
The director shouted as Jon Joon Myun and I approached him.
A picture of how I was suppose supposed to look hung in front of me.
It reminded me of the days I used to odel model for the company.
I was twelve when I took my first pictures. Candy pictures; candy-themed diamonds and I was a candy girl.
I was doning donning an over sized oversized white mens men's button-down shirt, a silver chandelier like chandelier-like necklace and a few bracelets, and Joon Myun was in a pair of black slacks.
A member of the crew took us and led us to the first set. A set; a red and gold glided couch, something like you'd really see in an old vampire film.
[What's been recurring, is you trying to make dependent clauses stand alone. Above, you've stated "a red and gold glided couch", but what of the red and gold glided couch? It's the first set in which Suho and Yuki model on, so you need to link that clause onto the previous sentence. A comma usually does the trick but sometimes semi-colons prove to be more effective in some situations.]
He brought his mouth back down to my neck and I clenched grabbed on to onto his back.
[The use of "After" is invalid as you put an "and" before "for some strange reason" which means you are linking the part where Suho gets into Yuki's car to the scene that happened before the next scene in which you were going to introduce (and you didn't end up introducing because Suho getting into Yuki's car was in fact the actual scene). Read that long sentence slower and a second time, and if you still don't get it, I'll give you an example: After she ate lunch and she paid her money and she walked out of the shop. Yes, that's the end of the sentence - do you understand now? Your sentence was just a lot longer and more complex than my example.]
Chanyeol had originally hopped in the car to watch out for Suho. To Suho, to make sure he didn't do anything he and the group might regret.
[Maybe you noticed the abrupt stop when editing the chapter, and maybe the voice in your head made it clear that the period separating the two semi-independent clauses however it sounded broken to me.]
Too bad that evil girls girl's car wasn't a four door.
Suho said, taking Yuki's hand and straking it with his thumb.
In the short time the two had see seen and met each other (all in incriinating incriminating situations) Suho had changed and it was all her fault.
Even if he did like Yuki, he knew that to be close to her, as he was now, could seriously mess everyting up.
It was perfect and fool proof fool-proof.
Chanyeol watched in slow motion as SUho Suho raised Yuki's hand to his mouth and just before his lips could even touch the hairs of her hand Chanyeol kicked the passenger seat.
Suho's eyes flicked to the back where Chanyeol sat and he could see the frustration in his band mates bandmate's eyes.
Suho's pause and relctance reluctance to answer showed he knew that he was wrong for feeling the way he did about Yuki.
You have every right to call me picky.
A good portion of the mistakes found in this chapter is the missing possession apostrophe ( ' ) so I highly advise you to be a bit more careful when writing future chapters.
Taste of the Story: (10/10)
I was really interested in the story. I was so into it, that I didn't realise half the mistakes in Chapter Eight until I had run over it a second time, with reviewing eyes, as well as the chunky paragraphs and the fact that you had taken a jump with Chanyeol and Yuki's meeting with the former's father. I am really rooting for Yuki's strong, rebellious attitude and I can clearly see the path for your story to turn out into a successful read.
I was really interested in the story. I was so into it, that I didn't realise half the mistakes in Chapter Eight until I had run over it a second time, with reviewing eyes, as well as the chunky paragraphs and the fact that you had taken a jump with Chanyeol and Yuki's meeting with the former's father. I am really rooting for Yuki's strong, rebellious attitude and I can clearly see the path for your story to turn out into a successful read.
You've already given us quite a handful (a rather engaging handful) in the first nine chapters, and glancing at the positive comments from your readers, all you have to do is keep up with your excellent work, and the subscribers will only increase as more chapters are posted. I sincerely wish you good luck with the fanfiction :).
TOTAL: (73.5/100)
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