the request.

AUTHOR » Flower-of-May

STORY status » On-going

type of request » Standard

chapters reviewed » 15

genres » Romance, Music, Mature, Comical

description » Sulli is brought to Southleaf to claim her ownership over a bar owned by a deceased biological father she didn't know about, and is considered undeserving by the bar's singer, Lee Taemin.

" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."

" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "


 

title (5)

appeal » 2/2

correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1

The title is appealing, I feel that two-word titles are quite the pull-in for me. "Blue Horizon" presents a serene impression, lulling readers in. There's not doubt about its correlation to the story, as the majority of scenes take place in the pub. The only thing I'd wish to see here, is to notice some sort of significance if it would further enhance the plot, for this would create a better impact on the title.

    graphics (3)

APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2

correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1

The graphics have the fuzzy effect, and I'm not sure whether that's supposed to mean something, and whether that's attractive to a reader's eye. I interpret it as a mysterious, perplexing approach to the story, and though Jinri doesn't precisely have full control of what life throws at her, this doesn't seem fitting as a visual introduction to Blue Horizon. The poster is divided into uneven rectangles, and boxes are filled up in no particular pattern. I can see bits of the story revealed this way, though it's fairly hard to make out some of them, and I do hope you'll be making use of those aspects in the story. If not, they'd be quite futile to feature on Blue Horizon's main poster. I like the blue theme going, and the distinctive placement of the title. Having read 15 chapters of your story, there's little correlation to the motto "Turn off the lights. Turn on the music. And let us dance." I don't think I've read about Jinri dancing once. Another thing to take not of, is that the poster is quite big, and might not completely fit the full image on some screens. A background for Blue Horizon would be nice, but that's not too important.

PLOT (23)

APPEAL OF the base storyline » 7/10

the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 9/10
 

There doesn't seem to be a distinct motive in the story, whether Blue Horizon revolves around the aspects of how Jinri will manage the bar, or how Jinri and Taemin's relationship will unfold despite their problems, or how Jinri will find resolve in her life in general terms. The title does point readers the way to the pub, but there's so much incorporated into the story, with Jinri's lovers, her father, her past, and everything related to the mentioned, may be too overwhelming for the readers. Another overwhelming thing to take note of, is how many characters you're introducing. The number is increasing, and I think it is continuing to increase, so I'd advise you to be careful in case some readers lose track of who plays what role, and whether some characters are of that significance to feature in a chapter or two. From here on, I am unable to tell where the plot is heading, which is fine, but I do think you need to implement a situation the readers need to look forward to. In a broad example, what will become of the bar with Jinri's continued management? 

We can tell that now Chanyeol has been introduced in the scene, things will become more heated in Jinri's romantic life, and there remains numerous of questions worth the readers' time, such as what will Jinri now do with the knowledge of her biological mother's name? These consecutive scenes that have the potential to turn the story are very important and add to the disctinctiveness of Blue Horizon.

flow (3)

suitability of the flow » 2/2

your control of the pace » 1/3
 

The flow isn't particularly fast, nor is it particularly slow, though I feel that there's so much going on that the pace can't be just right. It's quite systematic, Jinri discovers the bar, meets Jieun, Beard Man and Taemin, decides to renovate it, some of them leave, the bar reopens, and so on. There's so much commotion and problems Jinri has to face that it is restricting the opportunity for readers to enjoy what Jinri wants to enjoy, which may or may not be Taemin's influences on her, as they need to keep track of what she's done, what she needs to do, and what she is going to do. Albeit it definitely seems fitting when the management of a bar is suddnely thrown upon a girl, just not so much for your readers. It's all a bit haphazard and I suggest you cut things down, though I wouldn't recommend slowing down the pace if you'd like to keep the chapter count to a minimum.

    grammar (9)

punctuation » 4/4

spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 2/2

English isn't a very challenging language to speak; writing is totally different. The best way to improve your writing in terms of grammar, and how English sentencing work, is to read more novels. You can't go wrong with them, and it comes down to a process of learn as you go. The barrier of not being fluent and accurate in your phrasing is not taken into account in this review, as I point the rubric to solely grammar. As I said, reading is the best way to improve, but if you have any specific questions on phrasing or sentencing, you're welcome to message me. 

The punctuation is very impressive, I found little to no mistakes on missing periods, commas, apostrophes, and tag-verb interactions. I'd recommend improving your vocabulary, just to expand on your capability. The major thing I need to bring up, is to be careful with formalities. Avoid using "not really", and one that I've seen far too many times, "kind of". Be confident in your writing, and if you really mean for your characters to be feeling halfway there, use words such as "slight", or "fair bit". Another word you've been using that is informal, is "freaking". Mainly, authors get confused as to what's formal and what's informal, because the way we converse to friends is called colloquial language. This means that we use a lot of slang and such that isn't very suitable for writing. Perhaps if you take this knowledge in mind, and open yourself to your next novel, you can hopefully pick out the difference.

    taste of story (6)

personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4

length of your story » 1/1

I'm a bit big on writing in terms of grammar, so reading the chapters I often found myself very lost in what was trying to be said. This is only what's expected however, as English isn't your first language, and just my personal response. I'm not a -reader, so I was glad that there wasn't too much description, and I did enjoy most of the plot anyhow. I am particularly interested in how Jinri will manage the bar, more so than I am in her love interests, which is quite surprising as I do root for Romance. Despite what I've said in the Flow category of this review, it didn't bother me too much, though I do believe you should tone things down a bit. Blue Horizon is going well, and I hope you haven't lost complete motivation to continue the story. I am absolutely terrible at updating my stories in frequent intervals, so I know what it's like to lose motivation, struggle with time, and be challenged with a writer's block. If you'd like more help, do feel free to talk to me :). (Kudos for JIEUN in Blue Horizon! <3)

total score (78)

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