Shattered: The Broken Reflection
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » AE-STHETXC
STORY status » On-going
type of request » VIP Pass & Second Opinion
chapters reviewed » 4 + Prologue
genres » psychological, thriller, mystery.
description » Alice has been struggling with severe anxiety episodes for years, but never had she ever felt the need to seek for help. Only when her little cloud of uneasiness transforms into something similar to a storm, she convinces herself to break the silence. With the help of Jongin - a young and successful psychotherapist known for his mischievous approaches and bold personality, she will learn that the path of denial isn't always what's best.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (3.5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
I think the title is fairly appealing; it does reign in the spark of curiousity. At this point in the story, there isn't much I can round up in terms of the correlation between your story and the title, other than the fact that Alice suffers from mental issues, hence the 'shattered' and 'broken' concept. I hope you can successfully develop and describe this later in the story.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
Compared to all the other graphic works around here on AFF, Shattered: The Broken Reflection's poster is fairly bland, though I think it is quite suitable for a plot as such. I'm the type to be very neat-picky when it comes to posters, so if I see flowers and double doors in the background of the poster, and it has absolutely no correlation to the story whatsoever, I will deduct marks. Having said this, I'm quite happy to see a ground, with the shattered effect perfectly resembling the description embedded into the title. I'm quite liking the condescending gaze of Jongin on the readers, I think it quite suits the character you've made him to be in the story. The same goes with the picture of Alice, with her sideways glance and facial expression effectively capturing her mental issue and her personality. The lack of colour in the poster symbolises the constant mystery going on, and I know you will continue to put this on the readers. A very well done in this category.
description and foreword (5)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1/2
The Description gives a settling synopsis into the story, where it describes what there is to know about the characters and the situation revolving around them.
There is one thing that is putting me off, however, and that is the introduction of Kyungsoo in the description. I think that because you've mentioned Jongin and Alice in the same paragraph, it's implied that they will have some romantic connection to each other, alongside the recovery of her psychological problems. What the first paragraph of your Description inscribes, revolves around those two characters. Personally as a reader, suddenly introducing Kyungsoo broke the flow of the Description for me, and his problem of death threats linking closely to Alice really drives the mystery component of Shattered: The Broken Reflection in, but perhaps not in the most beneficial way.
First, it's Alice's anxiety, then Jongin's significant role of a psychotherapist, then the teaser of Alice dying to live, then the case of love, and then Kyungsoo and his death threats, which in turn takes Alice into the past, and then two very big choices. And this is all condensed into seven sentences. It's not inappropriately too much information for the content of a story's description, but with the vague few words mentioning each event, I'd say it's pushing the readers too far in without them having any idea of what they're about to enter. In contrast, I don't mean to say that you need to explain them all in depth, as no reader would want to read a lengthy description, but perhaps one more sentence or two, or maybe using truncated sentences to pick up the speed and suspense, will improve how successful the description can pull readers in.
The indents you've applied to the sentences suit the chapters more than the description; I'm not really favouring it. Another thing I don't like, is the change of font for "to fight" and "to sink", as well as the layout for that. It's inconsistent to switch fonts that are part of the same description, especially when it's half of a sentence. With the spacing, I can see that you've tried to make it look effective, however, I think hitting the Enter button on your keyboard, or aligning it in center, would be much better. With how you have done it currently, is different to what people are used to, because when you're reading, you're always going to find words that flow from left to right. So as I was reading your ending sentence, I found my eyes wandering, thinking where the words went. So it's better to align everything to the left, or at least, as close as possible.
story layout (2)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 1/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
I guess I'm being a big neat picky here, but for most of the Prologue, the font colour goes from back to grey. Also, I find that the spacing between your paragraphs and dialogues are unneccessarily bigger than the standard one touch of Enter. This varies throughout the chapters, and it doesn't leave a very clean impression on your story. I suggest that you keep the font of your quotes each chapter the same; consistency is always a plus.
PLOT (15)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 8/10
development of plot » 4/10
The plot, in its beginning stage, looks very promising, and the way you have artfully designed how and when to reveal events and hints one by one proves to me that you are a very capable author. From the Description and Foreword, and the few chapters already provided, I can tell that readers are in for a heavy ride in Shattered: The Broken Reflection. You've dropped mechanics of the story here and there, but you haven't told the reader the story the characters are stirring up upfront, which is a very effective technique to pull and engage your readers.
At times, with the constant switch of perspectives, it's a bit confusing to name who's talking, and with that, what's happening. Compiled with the readers almost always left in the dark, it does cause foreheads to crease, though as future chapters are posted, I'm sure you can clear everything up. I'd also like to mention with the loss of marks in the appeal of your storyline, in which it isn't the matter of whether I find the plot intruging and worth the read, which I hope you know that I think it very well is, but it's more of the fact that us readers don't know what the plot is itself. What is the story's purpose? For Alice to get better, or for some form of relationship to form between Alice and Jongin, or Alice and Kyungsoo? Or perhaps it's something with Annie or Tao...
I hope you understand that as much as I would like to, I cannot reward full marks for particular categories such as Plot where my comments will target the features of your story, as it requires a solid amount of material as a ground base.
characterisation (4)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 2/5
As you know, there isn't much for me to comment on other than the introduction of your characters. I'm really rooting for the mysterious character of Jongin, and I feel that he would greatly match with Alice, her being fairly strong in opinions. As of now, Kyungsoo's personality seems a little plain to me, there really isn't a particular word I can describe him with, like 'mysterious' for Jongin, and 'cautious' with Alice. A word where someone will say it and I'll go "yep, that's definitely this character in the story". But of course, everything can be better anaylsed in all due time.
I can't really comment on the incoming characters, such as Lina, and I feel that I should let you know if you aren't aware already, that you should be a little careful with how you introduce and interweave all the characters into the story. Your readers are starting to get used to Alice, Danielle, Kyungsoo and Jongin, but it is all pretty new, so you should keep in mind whether bringing in other characters would be an overload for your readers.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
There is plenty of description to go around, of many new environments and appearances of characters. I don't feel that I should mark you down in this category because of the lack of development and content currently in your story. Do keep this up!
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow isn't all muddled up as of now, but with the constant changes in point of views within chapters, likewise with the character revealment, I advise you to be cautious with teasing around with your readers' sense of time throughout the story.
grammar (5)
punctuation » 0/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
I found little errors in your chapters, though they were evident. I have extracted a few excerpts and corrected them below. It's very useful to have a beta-reader to help you with editing.
One important problem that you need to know however, is the tag-verb collision. If you put in a tag-verb (he said, she yelled, they exlaimed) after a character's dialogue, then you will need to end that dialogue with a comma, and put the he/she/they in lower case. If you decide to put an action sentence after the dialogue, then you do the opposite. So a period ends the dialogue, and the he/she/they is capitalised. The only exception to the latter, is when you put a run-on sentence in a character's speech, and that means, a sentence where you implement a tag-verb or action sentence in between (so that the character's sentence isn't grammatically finished).
Another thing is, frequently, you would forget to input punctuation in your sentences, such as commas and full stops.
Note that the extracts below aren't all the mistakes in your story, and only a small number of it.
CH1: DEATH, AND NEW START
If they did, there was only two ways the situation would have unfolded: either they were being accused of corrupting my soul into doing something so out of line.
If they did, there were only two ways the situation would have unfolded: either they were being accused of corrupting my soul into doing something so out of line.
“Miss Huang, you of all people should know we always have a choice.” amusement enveloped his voice once again.
“Miss Huang, you of all people should know we always have a choice.” Amusement enveloped his voice once again.
“What good can it do to overwhelm you with questions?” I heard Dan sobbed on the side “Well, I would probably be shouting if this meeting happened two weeks ago.”
“What good can it do to overwhelm you with questions?” I heard Dan sob on the side. “Well, I would probably be shouting if this meeting happened two weeks ago.”
CH2: DOMINO EFFECT
“Following the flow with other sheep is boring.” Sehun raised a brow “Fill me in.”
“Following the flow with other sheep is boring.” Sehun raised a brow. “Fill me in.”
“You’re frustrating.” He chuckled behind the napkin he was wiping his lips with “Your stalker texted me by the way."
“You’re frustrating.” He chuckled behind the napkin he was wiping his lips with. “Your stalker texted me by the way."
“Call, whenever you’re free.” Jongin asked the waitress for a refill “Kyungsoo wants to get in touch with you.”
“Call, whenever you’re free," Jongin asked the waitress for a refill. “Kyungsoo wants to get in touch with you.”
"Wait, I have to report to mister Do." Danielle said in an irritated tone "You go in, I'll wait for you outside."
"Wait, I have to report to mister Do," Danielle said in an irritated tone. "You go in, I'll wait for you outside."
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 0/1
I do like the occasional mystery reads and especially with Jongin being my bias, this story does allure me in. Shattered: The Broken Reflection looks very promising so far, and I hope you don't take the loss of marks too hard to heart. I am particularly interested in not only the death threats, but also, like any love story, how Alice is going to end up with Jongin (or Kyungsoo, but Jongin's concealed character just drives everything in for me). The only downside is that I do prefer shorter word counts, around the 1000 range, and I draw the line at 3000, one-shots being an exception. Nevertheless, I have subscribed, and I look forward to your updates!
total score (62.5)
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