On the Snow. - 83
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!on the snow.
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » Gingerdip
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 8
genres » Angst, romance, crime, fluff, christmas, cop!au
description » When Do Hae soo said she wanted nothing more than to be alone during the approaching Christmas season, she didn’t mean getting adopted by a trio of way too social university students, and to be assigned a nauseatingly kind police officer as her bodyguard for witness protection because a drug lord was after her brother, and wished to use her as blackmail. But we don’t always get what we want. Maybe, we get what we need instead.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (3)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0.5/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
At first glance the title may be intriguing to many readers. It is neat and succinct but perhaps not entirely unique nor original. Personally, if I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I may have clicked onto your story. I can see strong linkage to the Christmas theme you've cultivated with the labelling of your chapters and also with obvious connection with the setting of the story being in the Christmas season. How appropriately relevant the title is though, I can't confidently say. After finishing the read, 'On the snow.' didn't quite resonate with me. I definitely prefer observing a more significant and tighter correlation between the title and the storyline to the point where the title concisely frames the story. What also affects this is the main focus of your narrative, which I will discuss further in Plot and Characterisation. The title should give a clear direction to the main message of the storyline and be presented in such a way that it labels the fic as yours. I am not entirely sure how 'on the snow' relates to the arrest set-up or Hae soo's general development in character. Nevertheless, the title is your choice and the above are just some things to consider.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The light colours of the graphics give a sort of fluff vibe to the story. It's definitely a different portrayal of imagery, as the themes of undercover cop and a dark family backstory would assume a more sombre atmosphere. Pictures of the police cars and bare woods in the background appropriately captures the themes running strong in the fic, so no issues here. All in all, the poster is a very appealing and relevant work of art. Further, the addition of the story background sets a pleasant backdrop, as that is what the readers would see in their peripheral whilst reading. Very happy with this section.
description and foreword (8)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is kept neat and short. By order of introduction, there seems to be greater emphasis placed on the friendship provided by the trio over the assignment of Jongin as Hae soo's bodyguard. This is because the trio is introduced first - this is the first piece of information the readers absorb and retain. You should consider which matter is more important to the story and introduce accordingly. Great suspense is formulated with 'But we don’t always get what we want. Maybe, we get what we need instead.' Strong link to one of the main messages of the fanfiction. However, the focus of your story isn't very clear, regarding whether readers should get the most out of the undercover assignment, the progressing relationship between Hae soo and Jongin, or simple observation about the happenings with Hae soo's life. I will discuss more about this in Plot and Characterisation, though this issue significantly affects the effectiveness and appropriateness of the Description.
Content in the Foreword is fine. No problems here.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Font and font sizes were kept immaculate so a well done in these components. The majority of your chapters were consistently double spaced however, Chapter 4 - been through. is completely left with single spacing. There were also occcasional but very few inconsistencies in spacing across your chapters, some examples which I picked out below:
Chapter 3 - my turn to cry. :
After classes had ended, Sehun offered a hand to help Hae soo walk to Jongin’s car to which she reluctantly agreed (feeling bummed that she was in constant need of help which made her feel powerless), stumbling as she held on to his shoulder with one hand and gripping the clutch with the other. The ground was frozen and slippery, which made walking harder than it already was.
Jongin exited the car at that point, and held the door up for her.
Here is an example of where the single spacing division pops up. You should aim to consistently keep it double spaced in accordance with the rest of your chapters.
This next extract is where there is one space too many:
”Why does everyone keep saying this?!” She argued, rolling her eyes. ”He’s misunderstood. He hates himself because in the first Thor movie he finds out that he is the rightful king of Jotunheim, the realm of the people that Asgard considered monsters and were in war with. He discovered he was the one thing he grew up hating. Do you blame him for turning evil? Plus, he even has his redemption in Infinity war, where he sacrifices his own life for his brother in order to awaken his anger so he could defeat Thanos. He was literally hurt and afraid that his own family hated him. And then he even decided to die for them. ” Finished Hae soo, and Jongin looked at her astonished.
”Wow.” He expressed, nodding his head in agreement. Hae soo felt her cheeks redden the slightest from her sudden outburst of nerdiness.
And finally this excerpt, also from the same chapter:
”It was a joke. But seriously though, take it.” She gestured towards the bear.
”Thank you, Hae soo. I’ll treasure it dearly.”
Please note that there were inconsistencies in other chapters too. Let me know if you need any clarification.
With regard to appeal of your chapters, the labelling of each in accordance with a Christmas song is very clever and creative, especially as you form some connection with the song in your chapter. Very thoughtful work here.
PLOT (28)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 8/10
The plot is very cleverly presented. The way that you keep the readers in the dark for the majority of the chapters make it that much more entertaining when all is revealed, which goes to show excellent planning with this narrative. That being said, there are few elements that posed some contradictions in the way the storyline was presented. For example, the former interactions between Jongin and Hae soo by which I mean the getting-to-know-each-other stages. Even though they were introduced as a new acquaintance to the readers, Hae soo came across quite hostile to him before letting him get to know her. This was questionable after the big reveal, given that they were in actual fact police colleagues. I feel that Hae soo would have interacted with Jongin with a little more decency regardless of whether their work relationship was distant or close. Moreover, the way that Jongin forced Hae soo to meet his sister and nephew didn't seem to fit smoothly with the assignment of Jongin as a bodyguard and could have perhaps used some further explanation. Furthermore, Hae soo's persistance with avoiding Kyungsoo left me doubtful, seeing as she always had access to the prison with her position as a police officer. I would let this one slip by compared to the other gray areas though, given that you always returned to explaining Hae soo's sorrow and guilt about her situation. As a minor note, I would also add in here that my suspicions were raised regarding Hae soo hiding things from the readers when she started acting weird with Sehun, prior to her abduction. However, these were well-placed warnings that increased my curiousity for how situations would unravel and therefore didn't pose much of an issue.
As mentioned a few times earlier in this review, the main focus of your story seems to be the undercover job to arrest Seungri combined with Hae soo's gnawing guilt with leaving Kyungsoo in prison. In comparison to the amount of words dedicated to these two components, the time spent on developing Hae soo and Jongin's relationship, as well as Hae soo's friendship with Sehun, Yerim and Sooyoung, made these elements seem to be the minor events. They still held a lot of significance to the narrative but not as much the police set-up and thoughts of Kyungsoo. This is why I don't see much correlation and importance with the choice of title and also with the introduction in your Description and Foreword.
Finally, as perhaps the most predominant question mark that appeared for me, the last chaper is a little out of place with the revelations of how all characters' stories end. As the majority of On the snow. was narrated in Hae soo's point of view, the sudden reveal of the other characters' perspectives - Jongin's and the side characters' included - put the last chapter on an awkward note. Although it is written very well, it is not entirely fitting given the main presentation of the plot, nor is it quite suitable or perfect as the ending chapter of the story. As the previous chapters were narrated solely in Hae soo's point of view, the last chapter should have continued in her perspective alone. There was a lot of attention on Yerim's reaction to Sehun in custody, and of Sooyoung's happiness at her parents' return for Christmas. Again, I'll emphasise these extracts were very well-written however, the readers weren't privy to their sides of the story in preceding chapters. In effect, there was little room for the readers to experience how Yerim and Sooyoung feel, and therefore, the last chapter wouldn't have hit as hardly as it would have if you were to reveal Yerim and Sooyoung's feelings earlier. Hopefully this makes sense.
Despite the discussion above, you've still done an exemplary job concocting this storyline and developed it in an extremely engaging manner. I've rarely awarded high marks in this section. With On the snow., I found that certain elements and themes were portrayed very powerfully and subsequently shone in your story, making it that much more entertaining for the readers. Although I've picked out minor issues above, I think this category deserves very high marks. Excellent job!
characterisation (8)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
The characters are built very strongly with clear development in accordance with the plot's movement. However, I was very mindful of the actual development with Hae soo's character, since the majority of the storyline is formulated by her undercover work. Evidently, she was always one-step ahead of Sehun and Seungri, which would have made the creation of conflict to urge change in her persona quite challenging. Despite this, the introduction of the progressive relationship with Jongin allowed room for her character to change, making sure that her personality didn't stay stagnant as the main character of the story. This was a very important matter and I think you handled it relatively well. Nevertheless, Jongin and Hae soo's romance isn't the main focus of the story, nor the new friendship with Sehun, Yerim and Sooyoung, thus Hae soo would have benefited more if change was somehow consequential from the arrest set-up. Understandably, having events go according to her plan allowed little to no opportunity from her character to develop, though I still cannot award many marks.
On another hand, I'm very happy with the development of your side characters. Events associated with the minor characters seemed calm on the surface but were actually quite pivotal in developing significance with the plot. This gave significance to all your characters and I did not feel that any one character was misplaced or contributed little value to the storyline. As a small isusue, I noticed a slip-up with the naming of Jongin's nephew. You've portrayed the nephew as 'Donghyun' in the second chapter but then his name changes to 'Daehyun' from the third chapter onward. I can't see a reason for that change so it does look like a menial mistake.
content description (9)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 4/5
You have a very passionate style of writing which is very appealing to readers who enjoy the romance genre. There were a handful of tasteful descriptions which appopriately portrayed the scenes, setting out the big picture for the readers. I did not feel any particular area was lacking content description that would have contributed to a lack of imagery and setting. I definitely encourage you to continue cultivating your skillset. The only thing I would pick out is the occasional repetition of some words in your narration, examples of which I have provided below. Repeating phrases loses its emphasis both on the use of the word and the meaning you are trying to portray to the readers. For this reason, it would be best to avoid using the same choice of words in a short length of time. I feel this issue is very minor and increased vigilance in your rounds of edit would easily prevent this from happening in your future writings.
Here is an excerpt from Chapter 3 - my turn to cry.:
It was a classic korean restaurant and the owners were most likely of old age, considering the worn out vintage radio that was resting calmly on a cupboard, painting the atmosphere with calm music.
Note how you've used 'calm' twice in one sentence to describe the same setting. You can simply swap out 'calm' with a synonym to retain the effect of the word and refresh the readers with varied vocabulary.
Another set of examples from Chapter 5 - silent night.:
”Thank you. I mean it.” She smiled in response.
”It’s the least I could do.” Was her response before she climbed out.
Again, repetition of 'response'.
And finally, repetition of 'bad' in below extract from Chapter 6 - lights out.:
Daehyun wasn’t so bad after all. He wasn’t so bad at all.
Please let me know if you have any questions. Other than this minor issue, I'm very impressed with this category.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow of the story was very controlled and seamless. I didn't find that any scene was particularly rushed or progressed too slowly. Elements were revealed in a suitable and timely manner, which again goes to show how well you planned out this story. Full marks here!
grammar (6)
punctuation » 1/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
There were some grammatical errors repeatedly occurring throughout your chapters. The biggest issues were to do with punctuation. Firstly, all of the dialogue starts with a closing quotation marks when it should be opening quotation marks. Examples and corrections are provided below. Secondly, when you end a dialogue with description about the way the character conveyed their words (he said, she screamed, he yelled, she mumbled), you should end the dialogue with a comma ( , ) before the closing quotation marks. On the other hand, if you end a dialogue with an action sentence and not with the way a character conveyed their words, you should end the dialogue with a period ( . ) before the closing quotation marks. This is called the tag-verb collision. Please let me know if you need further clarification. Finally, there were some typographical errors that I think another round of edit would easily fix up. However, there is one recurring mistake - the past tense of 'catch' is 'caught' and not 'catched'. I picked up this mistake three times across your story. Other than these issues, everything else was fine. Please note that below mistakes are not all that I found. Let me know if you need further explanation!
Chapter 3 - my turn to cry.:
”You’re not doing a good job at helping me understand you, you know.” Muttered Jongin under his breath.
”Has it ever crossed your mind that I don’t want you to understand me?!” She countered, feeling her face heat up.
”Well that’s not a good idea considering that we’re going to be stuck together!” He yelled back.
”And I never asked for that to happen!”
“You’re not doing a good job at helping me understand you, you know,” muttered Jongin under his breath.
“Has it ever crossed your mind that I don’t want you to understand me?!” she countered, feeling her face heat up.
“Well that’s not a good idea considering that we’re going to be stuck together!” he yelled back.
“And I never asked for that to happen!”
”Is this really needed?” She muttered to him, and he just shrugged.
”Thank you. I can help her from here.” He said to Sehun and reached for Hae soo. Sehun shrugged her arm off.
”Are you sure you don’t want to go christmas shopping with us?” He asked again and for a second, her eyes widened the slightest before she hastily shook her head.
”Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, and walked away.
“Is this really needed?” She muttered to him, and he just shrugged.
“Thank you. I can help her from here.” He said to Sehun and reached for Hae soo. Sehun shrugged her arm off.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go christmas shopping with us?” He asked again and for a second, her eyes widened the slightest before she hastily shook her head.
“Okay then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, and walked away.
Then her eye catched the sight of a Hulk-themed teddy bear.
Then her eye caught the sight of a Hulk-themed teddy bear.
Chapter 5 - last christmas.:
”Blame Junmyeon, he’s the one always making these jokes and they get stuck in my head.” Jongin Chuckled. ”My brother secretly loves puns too. He would smack anyone making one and call them lame, only to chuckle to himself the second later.” Hae soo smiled softly at the memory, focusing her gaze on the table
“Blame Junmyeon, he’s the one always making these jokes and they get stuck in my head,” Jongin chuckled. ”My brother secretly loves puns too. He would smack anyone making one and call them lame, only to chuckle to himself the second later.” Hae soo smiled softly at the memory, focusing her gaze on the table.
”Goodnight Hae soo. Sleep well.” Jongin murmured so faintly and tenderly that her ears barely catched the sound of his honey coated voice.
“Goodnight Hae soo. Sleep well,” Jongin murmured so faintly and tenderly that her ears barely caught the sound of his honey-coated voice.
His before ablaze and angry expression turned into a hurt one. His eyebrows creased in sorrowful frown as the male looked at her with mixed confusion and disbelief.
His previous ablaze and angry expression turned into a hurt one. His eyebrows creased in a sorrowful frown as the male looked at her with mixed confusion and disbelief.
Chapter 7 - silent night, holy night.:
Then, Sehun’s eyes left hers and she barely catched how a thick tear descended his jawline.
Then, Sehun’s eyes left hers and she barely caught how a thick tear descended his jawline.
Chapter 8 - i'll be hone.
She catched up to him pretty quickly, and was thankful when he started speaking first, because she didn’t have the nerve to.
She caught up to him pretty quickly, and was thankful when he started speaking first, because she didn’t have the nerve to.
”She’s getting better.” He commented almost in a trance, still captured by the sight around him.
“She’s getting better,” he commented almost in a trance, still captured by the sight around him.
He had hit her right on the hair, and the girl completely appalled reached for his face, which he dodged.
He had hit her right on the hair, completely surprising the girl. She reached for his face, which he dodged.
This is just a small clean-up so the actions read more smooth.
”Because you know me better than anyone.” Sehun countered shakely.
“Because you know me better than anyone,” Sehun countered shakily.
”Since you still committed the crime though we don’t know how much affect it will have on the trial.
“Since you still committed the crime though we don’t know how much effect it will have on the trial.
Had Jongin precisely known the stew she atte every christmas, or was it just a coincidence?
Had Jongin precisely known the stew she ate every christmas, or was it just a coincidence?
Her lips trembled and for a second she considered storming out of the apartment and never return again.
Her lips trembled and for a second she considered storming out of the apartment and never returning again.
But all along it was that ver same warmth that she was missing terribly, and she discovered that what she wanted was definitely not what she always needed.
But all along it was that very same warmth that she was missing terribly, and she discovered that what she wanted was definitely not what she always needed.
taste of story (7)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 1/1
Overall, I found the presentation of the plot very sneaky and exciting. It's clear that you planned out the events really well and concocted it in such a way that most of the revealing scenes were written fairly seamlessly. I also particularly enjoyed the developing scenes between Hae soo and Jongin, although knowing that they were work colleagues in the end became a bit confusing. The most prominent element that shone in your story was your talent for description. There were some really, really tasteful excerpts that definitely kept me engaged in the narrative. I definitely encourage you to continue cultivating and refining that skillset. Just as a minor personal preference, some chapters were a bit too long for my liking, and the last one really took it home lol. This is not really an issue as all authors are at liberty to make their chapters as long as they like. The ending was very pleasant however, as discussed above, the sudden inclusion of all characters' perspectives came off surprising and a little unwarranted. I would have definitely developed more appreciation for the last chapter if the side characters' stories were introduced earlier in the fanfiction. Finally, the occasional grammatical mistakes were a little off-putting for me. This is purely because I rarely let any grammatcial mistakes slip by. Nevertheless, in proportion to the length of your chapters, there weren't that many to mark you down excessively. All in all, although the first half of the story struggled to win the majority of my enjoyment, there were many components that won me over when you tied it together in the end. A very commendable effort. All the best with your future writings!
total score (83)
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