Behind Closed Eyes
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reviewed by exoexoexollelel
the request.
AUTHOR » GreenGardenPop
STORY status » On-going
type of request » VIP pass
chapters reviewed » 6
genres » angst
description » A young woman who is unemployed seeks refuge in her own dream world, trying to escape reality.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4.5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
Behind Closed Eyes still being fresh in the story, I can't say for sure I am aware of the full meaning behind the title. From reading your six chapters, the title points to the simple component of Jiyeon constantly dreaming of Jongdae having not seen him for six years. However, Jongdae physically appears from the fifth chapter, so whether Jiyeon will continue dreaming of Jongdae I do not know, thus the symbolism of "Behind Closed Eyes". I find the title to be particularly attractive, it really rakes a mysterious and alluring feel to it, and I can't really speak for the rest of the readers here on AFF, but I would definitely stop and click onto your story link if I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
I absolutely find the poster aesthetically pleasing. I love the image of Jongdae is behind Jiyeon's figure, and blurred, as to say he's intangible. I didn't even consider the fact that Jiyeon's eyes are closed for a visual representation of the story until exactly now, while I am writing up this review. In full honesty, I was actually spending every few minutes admiring her eye-makeup, because damn, I want to learn that eyeshadow-eyeliner blend. The font of the title is very elegant, and the quote is correlative. The effect glazed over the poster represents the dreamy confusion from Jiyeon's end, and sends out an inexplicable, mysterious vibe. The poster is simple, but says a lot, and that's very enrapturing.
description and foreword (8)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description and Foreword is overall very organised and neat. The description is brief, and it gives new readers an appropriate introduction to the character of Jiyeon. "Dreaming was her way to escape reality" nice wraps the description up and leaves the readers on edge. I'd say the description is very presentable, and I would suggest for you to experiment and try for a more engaging and intruging opening to the story, in which you'd have to play it out right and not confuse the readers. That is merely a suggestion however, and your description is fine as it is, so you don't have to take that idea on.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
You've kept the font and font sizes neat and tidy, but what I do need to point out, is that you really need to make use of divisions. A major problem in your story, is that you leap into Jiyeon's flashbacks without clearly indicating the audience will be thrown back in time. For example, as Jiyeon introduces Kim Jaejoong, you need to put a division between the time when she last talks of the present, and when she describes the opening scene of her walking into the alley. A simple large gap in between scenes is fine, but since you've ended chapters with the AFF-custom made grey line, you should stick with that. You may not see it, but with the absence of divisions, it becomes difficult for readers to realise what's being narrated in the present, and what's a part of Jiyeon's memories. For example, it did take me a few paragraphs later to realise that you are no longer talking about first-year college student Jiyeon, but the current, unemployed one lounging in the deserted park.
PLOT (11)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 4/10
development of plot » 4/10
With Behind Closed Eyes' current six chapters, there isn't much told to the readers other than the fact that Jiyeon has a serious case of depression, she has a loving and caring mother but a terribly hostile father, she longs for her high school classmate Kim Jongdae, and she graduated from the top university but is currently unemployed. The frequent flashbacks let the readers know the background information of who and how Jiyeon became to be the person she is now, and get a feel of how she confronts and gets by personal and social conflicts. The storyline seems to finally take an incline with the real (or perhaps, it is another dream) appearance of Jongdae, but not much can be drawn from that encounter other than the fact that he bought Jiyeon food, and now know where she lives. As of now, I am unable to pinpoint a clear storyline.
The concept of Jiyeon being absorbed into her dreams is a very intriguing manner to express Jiyeon's longing for Jongdae, as well as her personal problems, but by her second dream, the one where Jongdae supposedly is engaged to Jung Eunji, I started to think whether the audience would be able to tell what's reality and what's not anymore. It's a very different and new way, an interesting one at that, but I feel that I need to emphasise to be very careful when using this dream method to build on effect on the story and evoke empathy from the readers. For future encounters, where Jiyeon is tossed into dreamland, perhaps amazing situations happen to her, and you have described it in the best way possible, but because you have fooled us from the beginning, about her just snapping awake from her dream, I would predict that your readers are now more cautious of the events, and perhaps won't experience the right amount of excitement that I know your talent of story-telling can eject from the readers. You can fool us once, you can fool us twice, but just how far do you think you can go?
characterisation (5)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
It should be clear to everyone that Jiyeon has problems with interacting those around her except with her mother. She is very self-conscious about who's out there to judge her actions, and constantly degrades herself in comparison to others. Because of the lack of progress so far in Behind Closed Eyes, I can't see much of a different with Jiyeon changing herself from the better, as it's clear that Jongdae's encounter has halted her headway. She seems to be extremely lucky with a loving mother of hers, which creates a balance with her fearful father. It makes sense for many companies to reject Jiyeon's employment request despite graduating from a well-known university as Jiyeon is very socially awkward. I think that it's a bit far-fetched for Jiyeon to rapidly switch from a cheery kid to a depressed and reserved one having being laughed at once. But everyone lives their lives differently, so it's passable.
content description (8)
quantity » 4/5
quality » 4/5
You've got a knack with setting the scenes and elaborating on imagery. There are many moments in the story where you describe locations Jiyeon visits in great detail, the use of personification such as "no pollution from the snarl of vehicles" and an advanced level of description like "to the east, the river stretched in serpentine curves, bordered by cottonwoods and willows" combined to effectively help the readers paint out the scene with ease. There are ample amounts of description present in Behind Closed Eyes, but sometimes, the explanations clash, with multiple awkward phrasing here and there that doesn't ride well with logic. Here is an example:
She had felt really betrayed by her friends. The cheerfulness inside her had died; her mind had been filled with negative thoughts towards others, and happiness had seemed to be drifting away ever since a humiliating moment had occurred in her life. She had always had a blank expression on her face unless she'd faked it.
"Unless she'd faked it" is put into the wrong context, because "she had always had a blank expression" relates to Jiyeon's heartbreak that you talk of before this sentence. By saying "unless", what you're really putting forward in this sentence, is that Jiyeon is usually a happy and cheery person, and would only put on her blank face if she is pretending. So what's missing here, is that you need to clarify what "it" is, because I know you're trying to say "it" is her delighted expression, however, her delighted expression is not mentioned in that paragraph. So following on from "blank expression", readers automatically assume that faking "it" is in fact, her blank expression.
Perhaps a rather important aspect that I need to pick out, is the missing description of the Jongdae we see six years later. If it's not in fact, another one of Jiyeon's dream, and the real Jongdae himself, what does he look like now? He mustn't be in a suit with his hair slicked back like in her previous dream, or is he? You've described what characters have adorned in the previous chapters, but since Jiyeon talks and dreams of Jongdae so much, his first, present appearance in the story, the readers are unknown to what he looks like. And this is particularly significant.
flow (3)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 2/3
The flow is extremely slow, about two or three days having passed in lengthy six chapters. If a day were stretched out between two chapters, that'd be okay, but at this rate, it looks like it's going to take 15 chapters to narrate a week's worth of time, perhaps more if you spend more time narrating Jiyeon's moment with Jongdae, and keep adding in her dreams and monologues. Perhaps you should skip a few days in the story for the plot to develop at the typical pace, rather than continue slowly dragging things out.
grammar (7)
punctuation » 3/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
I have seen plenty of words belonging to a more advanced level of sophisticated language, which reviewers such as I strongly encourage for all authors to improve their experience in writing in English. Along the story, there are grammatical mistakes I have caught on, and I would like to genuinely thank you for allowing text-selection, because it's honestly so much quicker for me to take an excerpt from your story and paste it onto here than to type it all out like I have done in many reviews. Seeing that English isn't your second language, I'm not sure whether the errors I have come across are to do with a lack of editing, or your absence of knowledge. Nevertheless, I would advise hiring a beta-reader to assist you in cleaning your chapters up. Below are mistakes I have picked up on from Chapter 2, so you are welcome to go ahead and fix them right away.
If she hadn't experienced that humiliating moment, she might have been a successful person not a burden to her parents.
If she hadn't experienced that humiliating moment, she might have been a successful person instead of a burden to her parents.
However, she more preferred to do so in the library, since it was a quiet place for study.
However, she preferred to do so in the library, since it was a quiet place for studying.
Saying someone prefers to do something already wins out the other option, therefore, you don't need to emphasise Jiyeon's choice with "more". Also, you can say "for studying" or "to study".
She felt uncomfortable walking in crowds—if she did walk in them, she would keep her head down.
She felt uncomfortable walking in crowds—if she did walk with them, she would keep her head down.
Her voice was still the same hardly audible, but he seemed able to hear her words clearly.
Her voice was still the same - hardly audible -, but he seemed able to hear her words clearly.
She's a fussy who likes ing people out.
She's a fussy who likes ing about people.
What's wrong with me, why did they laugh at me questions had hovered in her mind for years.
What's wrong with me, why did they laugh at me; questions had hovered in her mind for years.
Attending to the most prestigious university had always been her goal.
Attending the most prestigious university had always been her goal.
"Ji, like bible says: some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother, so try to shut that incident out of your mind. Try to ignore negative thoughts and being more relaxed and confident with people you meet.
"Ji, like the bible says: some friends may ruin you, but a real friend will be more loyal than a brother, so try to shut that incident out of your mind. Try to ignore negative thoughts and be more relaxed and confident with people you meet.
"Thank you, mom for your patience, your encouragement, your unswerving love. Mom, I promise. Tomorrow, I'll go outside. I love you, mom."
"Thank you, Mom for your patience, your encouragement, your unswerving love. Mom, I promise. Tomorrow, I'll go outside. I love you, Mom."
Also, early on in Chapter 3, I came across these two phrases that you have used incorrectly twice. I'm not sure whether you coincidentally used both cases wrong, but here are the corrections:
She knew for sure she didn't have the guts to reply that girl's derision, so she had to beat up that girl's rank in order to take revenge on the girl.
She knew for sure she didn't have the guts to reply that girl's derision, so she had to beat that girl's rank in order to take revenge on the girl.
Jiyeon prayed inside her heart that God would give her the courage to speak loud.
Jiyeon prayed inside her heart that God would give her the courage to speak loudly.
I wasn't sure whether to correct you on "speak with a loud voice" or "speak loudly", because the latter implies that Jiyeon already has a somewhat audible voice, so essentially, the first one would be a more suitable correction. It's up to you though.
taste of story (4)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 1/1
As you can see, many of the categories' grades above are heavily affected by the current pace of Behind Closed Eyes. There's a lack of content for me to review on, mostly regarding the plot, and that in turn influences my comments and results of neighbouring categories, such as characterisation. Usually, romance plays a big part of my enjoyment in the story, and you should understand that I have nothing to comment about that since you have just introduced the present Jongdae to us. In LUST's staff page, I do state that I prefer 1000 words per chapter, and I do draw the line at 3000. You have gone up to 4000 but I've kept the mark. Also, I'm a bit weary on authors swearing in the fanfictions, simply because I lose interest in the story if swearing is excessive. Vulgarities in Behind Closed Eyes weren't over the top, but I did feel it was bizarre for Jiyeon to just swear here and there - it seems that little and simple things tick her off easily. Hopefully after reading this review, you decide to take mainly the flow and plot of Behind Closed Eyes into consideration, and write new chapters based on thorough planning. I'm sure you can turn it into a brilliant read.
total score (59.5)
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