Arco, The World Inbetween - 93
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!arco, the world inbetween
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » TrueBoice101
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 4
genres » Sword and Planet
description » A story written by an author (Baekhyun) fraught with anxiety and whose environment consists of a cold, gloomy world surrounded by much sorrow. He is overwhelmed by a surge of emotions and is driven by an unknown compulsion to weave a strange yarn starring his friend Kai. Reality and fantasy soon become intertwined and he discovers that his life consists of more than just earth; he has, from the beginning, inhaled the breath of eternity.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
It's clear how the title fits the story with the incorporation of 'Arco' giving an undisputed indicator of the 'other world' element. I think the title is quite unique in the sense that it perfectly frames the story and labels it as your own. I would be convinced that readers who enjoy the fantastical genre would click into your short story based on the title. A well-picked label.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster is a little sketchy - there're a lot of components that catch the eye and sometimes this can distract the reader's focus, which should be on no more than two or three things. In this poster, the title is a little hard to make out as it blends into the background, which isn't a particularly good thing. The title should be the first thing the reader notices. I would suggest having the title in a brighter colour or widening the font to make it easier to make out. For example, the quote, 'For all that, my heart would not let me capitulate: such is my nature, and so will it be until that final Shabbat' is in white and contrasts with the darkness of the poster background, therefore it's easier to make out than the title which I would dispute. I think the title should draw the eye first, then the supporting quote. Additionally, the images of the starred idols are a little blurry, which isn't usually an issue but in this poster, the background is already fuzzy and distracting with the backdrop of the galaxy. These points obviously aren't your fault though, and I've graded mostly on the suitability of the poster, which provides many links to the story. There isn't anything in there that don't belong to the story, and that's the most important thing.
description and foreword (9)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1/2
The way that the Foreword is structured is a little confusing. The paragraph appears to be an overview of the story, spoken from within the 'other world', however, the ending line belongs to Baekhyun's realistic world. I would suggest keeping the structure a little more consistent as you switch from reality to fantasy frequently, by moving the overview to the Description and what you have currently in Description to the Foreword. So, it would like something like this:
Description
Between this world and the next exists a special world. It's a dimension of life phantom in nature yet one very real. Access to it is granted only on certain occasions and the times of admission are brief windows lasting mere seconds. The stay in that world depends on how long the soul braves to stay there, because in all honesty- it is a terrifying country. It is Arco, the other world, the world of the inbetween.
Foreword
On a chilly winter night Baekhyun is overwhelmed by a surge of emotions and is driven by an unknown compulsion to weave a strange yarn starring his friend Kai. Reality and fantasy soon become intertwined and he discovers that his life consists of more than just earth; he has, from the beginning, inhaled the breath of eternity.
A story written by an author (Baekhyun) fraught with anxiety and whose environment consists of a cold, gloomy world surrounded by much sorrow.
This would give readers an immediate introduction to the story, which is particularly important in the fantasy genre as explanation is dire when working with an imagined world. Presenting it to the readers from the get-go forces them to absorb the unknown straight off the bat, and as such, prepares them for that fantastical read. For the Foreword, both paragraphs have that introductory undertone, so I know that's a little conflicting as a consequence of the edit. I think you have a talent for invoking suspense, so I will leave it up to you about whether you want to change that and how you'd want to go about it. In any case, let me know if you need any suggestions!
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
Across your chapters, the font, font sizes and divisions were kept quite consistent. The only thing I found inconsistent was the extra spaces you put in the last chapter near the end, just before Epilogue. In fact, I would recommend putting extra spaces before and after your dividers, especially as you switch between narrating the story in Baekhyun's reality and Arco. This would make it clearer to the readers when you are changing perspectives, and would also make it that much more effective with implementing the change, since the story attached to Arco's environment contrasts vastly with that of Baekhyun's reality. At the moment, with little spatial divisions and multiple changes in perspective, your chapters look a little chunky and heaped together.
I also wanted to point to this extract here from Chapter 2 - Darkest Dreaming, where there appears to be an extra space within:
There was no wizard, no amulet, no fairy godmother or even a genie to help him find a girl who would appreciate his quaint character.
There was no wizard, no amulet, no fairy godmother or even a genie to help him find a girl who would appreciate his quaint character.
PLOT (29)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 9/10
development of plot » 10/10
Arco, the World Inbetween invokes a lot of hidden meaning and links for the reader to absorb and ponder. I quite enjoyed the subtle manner you delivered with linking Baekhyun's routine life, with its common unfortunate events, in contrast with the adventurous battles Kai-Sur experiences in Arco. I especially like how you combined the two worlds together at the very end based on Baekhyun's interpretation of his mundane life and how he related to his own figments of imagination. There is clear growth in Baekhyun's perception of his living situation that was ultimately pushed along during his writing progress, and at some parts it was the other way around - his writings affected the way he perceived his reality, which I find really intriguing and commend you on your exemplary execution. Moreover, I think it's very difficult for a short story to deliver development in plot as opposed a fanfiction with, for example, 30 chapters. In this sense, I'd say you've done a remarkable job.
The only thing I would suggest to further the excitement of your fanfiction is more description about Baekhyun's routine life. You've chosen a couple of monotonous activities that are very realistic and relatable for the readers - employment, becoming unemployed, a dying family member - and you've done well to give an appropriate amount of attention to these occurences. However, a lack of description don't make these events effective enough for the readers. As an example, we know Baekhyun's father would be leaving the earth in due course, he was quite cruel in his upbringing of Baekhyun, and we see some snippets of the father's remorse as he lives out his last few days. I would recommend putting a few extra lines about how the father used to treat Baekhyun so the readers can understand why the father feels guilt and why Baekhyun was initially reluctant to want to take care of him. This would balance out the amount of description you've put towards narrating how Baekhyun's attitude changes in his caring of his dying father, his fear of the man dying, and how he prepares himself for a life of solitude once the man is gone. Furthermore, this would reinforce the significance of these unfortunate events that are seemingly irrelevant to the happenings in Arco, but ultimately inspire Baekhyun to induce his emotions in his writings which create the world of Arco. Weaving in extra description would make the connection between reality and fantasy more seamless.
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
I find Baekhyun to be a very interesting character, and of quite significance, a very unique person. He has resigned himself to a life of little to no ambitions though his writing proves that he can be very ambitious. As discussed in the previous category, particuarly common events happen to Baekhyun and the fact that he reacts to these events shows that you're developing his character, which is a big plus in this section. The constant mention of his long-lost friend reigns in that perpetual wishing for a companion, which I'd say sums up who Baekhyun is, and I find that peculiarly engaging. I'm not actually quite sure of the person he's become by the end of the fanfiction, but I can see a big difference between who he was at the very beginning and the person he became. Full marks here!
content description (9)
quantity » 4/5
quality » 5/5
I think you have a commendable talent for writing. You go to excruciating extremes in your description for Kai-Sur's battles, both Kai-Sur and Baekhyun's emotions, thoughts, perceptions of the world around them, the scenery, and the background context of Arco. There were many sections of your short story where I was completely floored simply by the description presented.
As mentioned in Plot, however, Baekhyun's reality needed a little more reinforcement to have the readers relate more to the person he is. Given what you have done for Arco, I have no doubt you can execute this perfectly, and it should be easier too, as the events in Arco require imagination whereas the complications in Baekhyun's world are very realistic.
Here, I would bring up two very minor issues. Firstly, I would suggest minutely altering the ending of your first two chapters to cause a greater cliffhanger effect on the readers. You execute this well for the third chapter, so I have no doubt you are very capable of this. The ending of the first chapter may be overlooked, as obviously Baekhyun is experiencing a writer's block, however, I think it would be more impactful if you hinted the writer's block before ending the chapter. As you ensued the writer's block straight after a conclusion of Kai-Sur's battle, the reader isn't expecting any immediate complication. Jumping straight to Baekhyun's struggle comes off a little abrupt and surprising, so you may as well make use of the end of a chapter. Similarly with the completion of the second chapter, and perhaps a little more obviously, there is no change in scene with Baekhyun caring for his father. Ending with 'His father nodded', I find it to be a little wasteful as you can insert a better cliffhanger for your readers.
Secondly, I would be a little more cautious about defining which character you're referring to. As your story has very few characters, majority of which are male (not considering Zapisto), you should take more care when using 'his' or 'he' as the line may become blurred. Here is an example from Chapter 3 - An Appreciation of Finite Things:
Countless times had he seen his father drop him off at school. Kai would be embarrassed, but he would be jealous. Why is there such an imbalance to life wherein there are those who have and those who lack?
In that one sentence, three male characters are named. To ensure clarity, I would edit this to:
Countless times had he seen Kai's father drop his son off at school. Kai would be embarrassed, but Baekhyun would be jealous.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
You have a very good handle on controlling the pace of your story. There were many times that Kai-Sur died very quickly, but you took the time to explain how the deaths worked at the start, so that would be justified. The immacutely fast pace of the happenings in Arco contrasts really well with Baekhyun's routine life. All compliments here.
grammar (9)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 1.5/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1.5/2
Impeccable grammar. I found almost no mistakes, which is just insane. I also commend you on your very advanced vocabulary - I would give you 10/2 for that component. Subjectively, I'm not sure if such sophisticated language would be favourable for the typical AFF reader, but you have earnt a large amount of appreciation from me. Below are the only errors I found, which still leaves me speechless everytime I consider it. Nothing but excellence here.
Chapter 1 - For the Love of Life
But, at the same time, genius strikes for him in sudden flashes and who knows when the demiurge would fill him again.
But, at the same time, genius struck for him in sudden flashes and who knew when the demiurge would fill him again.
It is a world that must be brought to life, he thought.
Here, I will suggest two edits. Generally, if you directly narrate a character's thoughts, the most appropriate grammar to use would be italicisation. However, if you wish to keep the character's thoughts in the same format as the rest of the narration, then there would be an error in using present tense (as you have narrated this short story in past tense).
It is a world that must be brought to life, he thought.
It was a world that must be brought to life, he thought.
Chapter 2 - Darkest Dreaming
It's song was exceedingly mesmerizing, soft on the ears...
Its song was exceedingly mesmerizing, soft on the ears...
Arco was a paradox, a complete an utter hypocrite that played around with the idea of mortality.
Arco was a paradox, a complete and utter hypocrite that played around with the idea of mortality.
That's how it always was, one long discomfort...
That was how it always was, one long discomfort...
Chapter 3 - An Appreciation of Finite Things
Minutes passed and the usual soreness that comes with every resuscitation subsided.
Minutes passed and the usual soreness that came with every resuscitation subsided.
Chapter 4 - I, 0 Your Fellow
"You can call me that if you'd like, but this domain is not entirely mines...
"You can call me that if you'd like, but this domain is not entirely mine...
A hand touched my shoulder, and of a sudden, I felt the whole of my will, courage and might return.
A hand touched my shoulder, and all of a sudden, I felt the whole of my will, courage and might return.
taste of story (9)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 1/1
Overall, I did enjoy Arco, the World Inbetween as a pleasant short story. I actually had to read it three times to properly absorb how you wrote it out. The quality of description was probably the most effective component I had going for me. Once I started thinking about the link between Baekhyun's reality and his fabricated world, all these connections started surfacing which I concluded was very clever and well-interwoven on your part. Personally, I would have enjoyed this story if it was actually extended a bit more - usually I'm a fan of fast reads, but I think the fact that there is just so much content in both worlds that you crammed in four chapters, it just didn't hit me fast enough. Hence why I had to read it three times. Particularly on this platform, most authors use our beloved idols and make a play out of them based on their own fantasies, so I would assume Arco, the World Inbetween would be a challenging read for some readers, as it was for me. Adding more explanation alongside your talent for description, and perhaps adding a few more chapters (one or two would make a big difference I reckon) would make the story a little easier to absorb. Otherwise, if you're happy with how it turned out, I'm all for it. I can definitely appreciate the short story on general and specific terms. Reviewing your short story was actually very challenging as I found very minor issues, so everything above is me being VERY nit-picky. Above scores are the highest I've given since almost the start of establishing this review shop. I'll be publishing a Feature List soon and Arco, the Word Inbetween will be on it :). If I haven't said it enough times in this review already, you've done an exemplary job. Thank you for this. All the best with your future writings!
total score (93)
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