Love, Logic & Lust
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!LOVE, LOGIC & LUST
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » NeverNinaa
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 19
genres » Teacherxstudent, forbidden romance, slow burn, mutual pining, hate to love
description » After graduating with a Master's degree in History, and after deciding to settle down in Seoul, Byun Baekhyun has finally found the opportunity to teach History at Chungju High School. He never expected to spend the first year dealing with the school troublemaker, Shin Aera. His students were a walking nightmare for sure, but dealing with them was nothing compared to dealing with that one Ice Queen in particular. Especially when she swore to give him a run for his money. Baekhyun almost had a heart attack when he realized that she wasn't just his student. In fact, she was the girl who had been living in the house on the opposite side of his. She was the girl he met countless times by coincidence when he newly moved to the neighborhood.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. "
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 1.5/2
CLARITY » 0.5/1
I find the title quite appealing with the use of alliteration giving it a short and succinct effect. If I were scrolling through a list of stories, I would definitely be interested and click into yours. A title should frame the story and comprehensively label it as its own, thus correlation between the title and fanfiction should be very apparent. At this stage, there is an obvious link to the inclusion of 'love' and 'lust' particularly with the scenes happening in your recent chapters, which is great. I hope you'll do the same for 'logic' as it's not quite coherent yet.
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The story poster showcases an intricate dynamic with the smooth blend of the background and character images. I'm loving the slant and horizontal positioning of Baekhyun and Aera. I think it creates an unorthodox view of your two main characters in a way that entices the reader on first impression. The colour scheme is extremely well balanced, the black and white shows through both Aera and Baekhyun, and the orange and red hues create a warm tone in the image. The title is easy to pick out with its size and colour. I didn't notice the extra writing over 'lust' as it blends in with the red on Baekhyun, but it's a nice twist. Credits are also easy to pick out with contrast in colour. And finally, great addition with the matching story background. Adds to the reading atmosphere when we go through the chapters. No complaints here!
description and foreword (6.5)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 0.5/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description starts off with a strong quote which is interesting to see. I see a simple connection between this quote to Baekhyun's front as a teacher and attraction to Aera, however, I am keen to see it be given more meaning. Why specifically did you choose this quote - is it anything more than the base link to Baekhyun's role in the fanfiction? Something to think about. Other than that, love the accentuation of the quote with use of italicisation and emboldenment to distinguish it from the actual description.
The description itself is very enticing and well-written. It provides a comprehensive and succinct introduction to Baekhyun's background and his role in the fanfiction. However, I don't find the Description entirely appropriate for two reasons. Firstly, it's peculiar to me that the description is set in Baekhyun's perspective. As the majority of your current chapters are narrated from Aera's perspective, shouldn't the story be introduced by Aera? Another thing to note is that by exposing a character's point of view, it gives opportunity for the readers to to better understand that character's thoughts and feelings. The current impression I'm receiving is that Baekhyun is concealing a lot of facts and traits about himself, yet, the description is all about Baekhyun. Is there any significance with specifically choosing Baekhyun's point of view over Aera's? This leads on to my second point - at this stage, I can't see the importance of using this background information about Baekhyun in the Description when your story is seeming to take an intense change of direction: you're revealing that Baekhyun is a 'commissioner' and may have ulterior plans regarding Aera, there is newfound drama with Aera's mum on the precipice of marriage with Namjoon's father, and a combination of all of Aera's personal issues (bulimia, mental health concerns, the threat of Kyungsoo, etc). Again, this makes me question the significance of your current Description. It would be very effective if the blurb struck the core of your fic, one that is enticing (as it is already) but also summarises the storyline so thoroughly that when one looks back onto the Description after the full read, the first thought should be yes, this is what the story is about. Hopefully this makes sense.
If you are keeping your Description, I would review the sentence 'She was the girl he met countless times...' as I'm not sure of the value of this. Did Baekhyun meet her coincidentally before he moved the neighbourhood? Maybe you kept these occurences hidden from the readers. And finally, two grammatical edits: 'had been living in the house' in 'she was the girl...' should be 'lives in the house'. Aera still lives in her home and hasn't left, therefore she can't 'had been' living there. And secondly, you can remove the second 'after' in the first sentence of your description as you have already written 'after'. Using the second 'after' is unnecessary. If you need further clarification on these corrections please let me know, I picked up on these after you disabled text selection :)
Moving on to your Foreword, the character images are cool but would look greater in my opinion if they matched your story poster and background. The current banners give an agent-sort of vibe, which seems fitting with Baekhyun but not so much with Aera. It's cool to see them anyway. And to conclude with the general organisation for this category, the centre alignment of both your Description and Foreword keeps the layout consistently neat and tidy, which is always a plus. Great work with this.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
The layout of your chapters is very consistent regarding font style, font sizes and divisions. This maintains a steady reading flow which is great to see. The inclusion of the background graphics also enhances the reading environment for your viewers. The only thing I would point out is that the dividers separating sections of your chapters look like squares to me:
🟣🟣🟣🟣🟣
I'm not sure if the squares are intentional or the divider itself is not coming up properly. I'm viewing your chapters on a laptop if that helps. No marks taken off for this.
PLOT (26.5)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 8.5/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 8/10
There are a handful of components and conflicts to increase the appeal of Love, Logic and Lust. The first half of your chapters seemed to run a simple romance storyline between a student and teacher, however, the intricacy of the plot is definitely picking up with the addition of Baekhyun's true identity. I was questioning his background for a few chapters so it's great to see the makings of his character unravel. Each major or side character who has correlation to Aera seems to have a dark past, from Baekhyun to Sehun to Kyungsoo to her parents. It's quite interesting to see how each character differs in relation to their significance to the story, how it affects the storyline, and how it influences Aera's character development. There are lot of elements plotted to keep the story moving along and the readers engaged, which is to say you've done a very impressive job with the planning of the story.
One major thing that didn't quite sit well with me was how quickly Baekhyun gravitated towards Aera from a teacher's point of view. This ties in to the flow of your story. Knowing now that Baekhyun's true occupation isn't teaching, I found it strange Baekhyun let himself fall so fast for Aera, given he has almost a decade's worth of life experience more than Aera and he would very likely have seen more of the world with his agent identity. One big element to your story that I don't agree with is the use of character perspective, which I will explain further in Content Description. I think I would have been able to absorb Baekhyun's attachment to Aera with more ease if his point of view was not revealed, or revealed in a more vague manner. The fact that we are occasionally exposed to Baekhyun's side of the story means that we should be able to understand the justification of his thoughts and feelings. I think you have done well with hinting at his true identity whilst concealing most of it. However, before his identity came into the picture, I was scratching my head as to why Baekhyun was not refraining himself from developing a personal relationship with Aera (as the readers had not yet been exposed to Baekhyun's real self), particularly as he is a teacher. I found the event where Baekhyun calls and requests help from Aera on his birthday to be quite sudden and brought on too early in the fic. The addition of other events in between would likely ease the introduction of Baekhyun's fragmented self a lot smoother on the readers - or just bring it forward to later in the fanfiction. Or perhaps this event will serve the purpose of Baekhyun's ulterior plans? It seemed as if Aera and Sehun acted on more mature thoughts, proactively questioning why Baekhyun was not taking steps to ensure he wasn't inappropriately interacting with Aera. The absence of caution on Baekhyun's part felt very forced and unrealistic to me.
Leading on from this, and again in relation to character perspectives, I don't think you should have revealed Baekhyun's side of the story so early on in the fic. I understand you wanted to showcase Baekhyun's view on Aera from a romantic standpoint. However, knowing now that Baekhyun is hiding his true self from Aera, it doesn't make sense that he was so open to how Aera appeared to others, as opposed to a character with a false front. Looking back with what we know now, I would have expected him to act well-guarded and be observant to his surroundings, whilst plotting whatever it is he is planning. I appreciate that you wanted to hide this from the readers at the start, but doing so almost feels like the character of Baekhyun is aware of the readers. And this is never the case. Yes, you can hide significant components of your story to the readers but the characters shouldn't stray away from their everyday thoughts and actions. It would also add to the suspense of the story if you hinted from the start there was something strange or off about Baekhyun. The start of the story creates an impression that Baekhyun is purely a history teacher having recently taught from France. If you had vaguely hinted about his true persona, it would feel more satisfying for the reveal to click with the readers - oh, this is why Baekhyun acted so shady at the start. It doesn't sit quite right to occasionally absorb the story from his shoes with no mention of why he is acting this way to Aera, and then to suddenly find out he may be investigating or using her all along. Hopefully this makes sense? This is purely my opinion so potentially your readers may have a different interpretation. Maybe your later chapters can provide an explanation on Baekhyun's part to tie together his behaviour from the start of the story to current.
Regarding the impact of scenes and overall development of the plot, I think you are creating and maintaining a productive pace to push the storyline along. Each event has a clear effect on the movement of the story so the pacing doesn't stay stagnant or dull. The scenes all seem to be relevant as well, hinting at a big plan in play, and that's a big bonus. Great work here!
All in all, I think you're doing an excellent job with the storyline. There are so many elements to your story to keep things interesting for your readers. I did have an initial thought where because there were so many conflicts happening across all the characters, it seemed overwhelming at one point. My suggestion to this would be to make sure everything comes smoothly together in the end where no conflict remains unresolved or there is further development with each element. This includes Aera's history with both her parents, the drama with her mother now, who is Namjoon exactly and what caused Aera to hurt him?, will Baekhyun's mother make further appearances and have more significance in the story, how will Aera's relationship with Sehun end up by the conclusion of your story, will you be elaborating on Aera's history with Sehun's father, etc. Lots to resolve but I'm sure you're on track with everything and will do a great job.
characterisation (7)
development of characters » 2/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
As mentioned above, there is a tight link between each character and Aera where every scene involving another character directly affects her. I would say this is a definitive element to your fanfiction and stands as an impressive concoction. Also discussed in the previous section, there is great character influence on the fanfiction combined with the story's events themselves. This is wonderful to see because effective characters are impressionable on the readers. Aera's relationship with each character drives the plot forward and provides a foundation for the readers to identify the level of appeal. I think it is special how each relationship is different and clarified so that there is no confusion regarding Aera's level of connection with each character. Each character brings out a different side of Aera, and the same can be said for Baekhyun, so the setup is done really well in this regard. In particular, I love Aera's familial relationship with Sehun. The fact that you kept it a strictly platonic relationship creates a great contrast to what's going on with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Adding a romantic touch to Sehun would have likely overloaded the intensity of the read and reduced the effect of Aera's relationship with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. On a rather minor note however, I suggest providing more background context to demonstrate how Aera and Sehun became close to each other. Why did Aera choose to let specifically Sehun into her life and no one else? Is their history more meaningful than you have let on? I can see you've hinted that they share something in common and would be keen to know more about that soon.
At this stage, there is little development with your main characters. It's clear that there is change in trust traits with the budding relationship between Aera and Baekhyun, however, the shell of their characters remain the same. Aera is still the cold-hearted student confronting a handful of personal issues and Baekhyun is the same 31-year-old, pining and looking out for Aera whilst maintaining a teaching facade. Though not as important, there is also very little development with your side characters. Progression and change in a story's characters are prominent contributions to maintaining reading excitement. Hopefully, your upcoming scenes will present challenges to your main characters to evoke change in their structural characterisation. I believe the setup of your current storyline provides plenty of opportunities for Aera and Baekhyun to progress, together or individually. Just be aware that they are currently very similar characters to the people they were at the start of the fic, and we don't want our characters' sense of self to remain stagnant.
content description (4.5)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 2.5/5
Some major and minor issues with this section. I think it would be worth to spend time refining your writing with what I explain below. Effective narration stems mainly from a range of writing techniques. Sometimes, little things have an enormous impact on the reading flow and enjoyment. I have been extra picky with content description, coming from both a reviewer's and reader's point of view. So if something doesn't make sense to you, don't be afraid to ask for more clarification. I also apologise if I sound too harsh and critical in the entirety of this review, no comments are intended for personal attack. Every writer has something to improve on and I hope this review can give you a few ideas.
When it comes to narrating how your characters interact with each other, you do well in describing how a character is reacting to another. This is great to see as it can be a common issue for authors to assume the readers can imagine what's playing out in the author's head and slack off on description. Throughout some of your chapters, I eyed some really nice description that helped paint the scene for the readers, leaving enough room for the imagination. Here's an example from Chapter 12 - She wants him to stay:
He came to a sudden half once he reached the kitchen, standing by the doorway to admire the sight before him. He stared at her as if he hadn't seen her in months, as if she was a precious gem he just found, as if she was the only rose in the room. His eyes ran around the quite messy kitchen, spotting the oven door hanging open, a half emply dish was sitting on the sideboard near the microwave, the kettle, recently boiled, was still steaming onto the counter and Aera was leaning against the fridge focusing on something on her phone.
She didn't seem to catch him watching her like a creep yet. He found himself his lips when his eyes ran down her body, scanning her clothes with amusement. She looked absolutely adorable in the yellow spongebob pajamas shorts and the blue sky oversized hoodie. He almost chuckled when he caught a glimpse of the white socks that rose to just below her kneecaps. She looked like a nine year old girl waiting for dinner to be served.
This was a moment where we can read every little detail Baekhyun is noticing. Description of this kind is effective because it helps us understand what it is about Aera that Baekhyun is attracted to, and perhaps the readers will fall for her too (if not already). It's also a great demonstration of Baekhyun 'showing' rather than 'telling' he is romantically invested in her. Imagery can make all the difference in boosting a basic read to an enticing concoction. If you enrapture the audience with little details of your fictional world, how can they lose interest? Well done with this example; note though the typos with 'half' and 'emply'.
Another great thing to note from Chapter 5 - He's the lawyer's son, this sentence stands as a really powerful driver for both plot and character development:
Aera gulped, sending a quick glance in Baekhyun's way to find him staring at Jisung with unreadable gaze. Was that his own way of masking his true feelings?
The use of rhetorical question serves two purposes: one, it's an observation made by Aera which you, as the author, choose to share to your readers, thus we are all picking up this detail along with Aera and trying to figure out who Baekhyun is from Aera's POV; and two; this is Aera choosing to notice this detail about Baekhyun. As the ice cold princess, this is apparently worth a train of thought. Great character development on her part. This is the power of sticking to one character's side of the story, even if the readers have been exposed to another character's perspective. Even though the readers would have a better idea than Aera on how Baekhyun masks his feelings, the rhetorial question still stands as a powerful driver of the storyline and Aera's character development.
Across the board however, a lot of description was skipped over and I would like to see more imagery incorporated. Simple components like the settings used in your story lacked a lot of content. What does the school look like - colours, placements, how does the environment affect Aera and her schoolmates? What does the bar look like; Aera's home; Sehun's home; her father's home? Without initial description, it's not enough to say house, work, and school. When you leave it at simply 'Aera enters Sehun's home', the readers are probably using the same house they pictured for her father's property. Attention to detail helps the audience picture the scene: it differentiates between locations and may even enhance the absorbability of the read. Leaving too much to the viewer's imagination may make it challenging for the story events or character interactions to be impactful. The extract above shows me how well you can write, so I know you can add more to the quality of your content.
Same goes with describing your characters - what does Aera and Baekhyun look like? Introducing the appearance of main characters is a crucial thing, yet easily missed. Your side characters should also be described to the readers. I think we get the most out of Aera's classmates. Extremely minor characters. See where you had written about the appearance of each individual in the first chapter. That's what we want to see with our important characters. We can't assume the readers automatically know what our major characters will look like, even if we are using idols as inspriation. It's very common to forget about describing appearances, so in future, just remember that at first appearance of each character, a brief (or thorough if you'd like) description should be provided.
On a similar note, most of your characters were introduced to the readers by name before they were introduced to the narrator. Aera's first appearance to Baekhyun is fine, however, when we are back in Aera's point of view, she sees him and is already naming him as Baekhyun. In the fic, he is introduced to her as a teacher, which raises two issues: one, should she not address him as Mr. Byun?; and two, how does she know his first name? I know she doesn't. In the first chapter, some of Aera's classmates' names were also revealed without being introduced to Baekhyun. I know there's a handful of them but just be careful. As a final example regarding this point, see below an extract from Chapter 5 - He's the lawyer's son:
With a deep sigh, he made his way out of the bedroom while wondering how the hell she managed to figure out where he lives. And before she could ring the bell, he opened the door suddenly, almost scaring the hell out of her as she gasped with shock. He blinked slowly when she let out an awkward chuckle.
"Sorry for scaring you," he apologized, pulling a smile. "I heard my dog barking and I was about to check up on him." He tilted his head outside to get a better look at his dog. "Duke, quiet!"
Aera's mother smiled. "It's really fine, no worries."
Baekhyun did not work out this was Aera's mother until a few sentences later. It doesn't make sense to have identified Aera's mother at this point in the scene.
Moving on, character perspectives. Most of your chapters were written in Aera's and Baekhyun's point of view, however, there were several times other characters' thoughts and feelings were revealed. When you choose to narrate through one character's perspective, you should stick to that character's thoughts and feelings alone. In real life, this makes sense. We live life through our own eyes and the most we can make out of other people's actual intentions are through our own assumptions based on others' actions and reactions, or if others explicitly state what they are thinking or feeling. These are all aspects I can see you would have no difficulties incorporating in your writing. So if you write through Aera's point of view, the readers shouldn't be aware of any other characters' true thoughts or emotions. Some examples below:
Chapter 2 - She's the unbreakable b*tch:
Aera heard a gasp coming from Riana but never bothered to look at her. She kept her eyes on Baekhyun, watching him study Riana's shocked expression warily. She surely heard a lot about Shin Aera before, but she'd never seen her. She didn't know how Aera looked like until that very moment.
We are looking through Aera's eyes, so how do we know that Riana had never seen Aera before without her saying anything of the sort? We shouldn't be privy to what Riana thinks and feels if we are in Aera's shoes. You could amend this to Aera's assumption that Riana has heard of Aera before but has not set eyes on her. You could say something like 'Aera knew Riana must have heard about her but she had not met Riana before'. This ensures we are still strictly keeping to Aera's thoughts.
In contrast, this extract from Chapter 5 - He's the lawyer's son is a great demonstration of Aera's perspective. Though there were occasional glimpses of Baekhyun's side during this scene, the majority is set in Aera's view and the scene should be told through her eyes only.
Aera clenched her jaw. For a moment, she really wanted Baekhyun to stop responding to her mother's stupid questions. She wanted him to finish his food and get the hell out of her house.
"There's only my mother. She has her own business in Paris, I guess she won't make it here any time soon." He took a deep breath. "And I don't have siblings. It has been only me and mom."
"What about your father?"
Aera closed her eyes, feeling herself about to snap again. How could her mother be this annoying? No, the real question was; how could Baekhyun tolerate her curious ? Aera knew for fact that people get uncomfortable in such a situation. Having to eat dinner with strangers that keep asking about his personal life was too much.
Baekhyun took a long moment to reply. "I've never met my father before," he confessed. "I don't know anything about him."
Aera's eyes widened. She couldn't help but to glance at him, searching for a trace of annoyance on his face. However, he didn't seem to be bothered while exposing something like that about his parents. His expression remained calm as he felt Aera's eyes on him.
"Oh," Jisung gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry if I had to remind you of something you don't want to remember."
He shook his head, managing a weak smile. "It's completely fine, you don't have to apologize."
Aera looked down at her plate, a strange feeling building within her. Was it because of the new piece of information she just learned about him? Somehow, he sounded like he's used to talk about that in front of people. Aera believed that it was something private and if she were in his shoe, she wouldn't have had the guts to mention it to anyone.
Note how this particular extract focuses heavily on Baekhyun but everything is told by Aera. We are not privy to Baekhyun's direct emotions, thoughts and observations. Instead, Aera is making assumptions about what Baekhyun is thinking based on her observations by asking, 'how could Baekhyun tolerate her curious ?'. The answer is not revealed to the readers because Baekhyun has not said anything directly or given anything away with his expressions. This is what I want to see consistently applied when narrating your story. Contrast to this example from the same chapter:
Aera continued to stare away as if she was ignoring his words. Baekhyun wasn't even sure why he had to explain himself in the first place. He wasn't sure what to do to please her, to make her accept his apology and to make sure she wasn't mad at him anymore. Thinking too much about her made him realize how much she was someone hard to please, hard to impress, hard to get along with, hard to melt the coldness in her eyes and hard to see the true her.
God, when was the last time someone drove him crazy? When was the last time someone made him question his own actions and debate his own decisions?
Here we are exposed to Baekhyun's direct thoughts and feelings again. This would be great writing if we were already in Baekhyun's point of view, but here, we are in Aera's. I'd make a side note here that the use of rhetorical questions is again, great to see, but we are not in Baekhyun's standpoint. Also note the following immediate switch back to Aera's perspective after this example. The inconsistency happened frequently. Further examples in Chapter 10 - He'll be there for her, where the chapter starts out and is predominantly set in Aera's point of view:
Ever since the day her father introduced him to her, she knew there was something wrong with him. From the way he smiled at her like a freak to the way he squeezed her hand hard when she first shook hands with him.
Then we see some of Chanyeol's thoughts:
Chanyeol was torn between pushing Baekhyun away from Kyungsoo or pulling Aera to his side, out of Kyungsoo's grip. Before he could make up his mind, his eyes grew wide with shock and disbelief when Baekhyun punched Kyungsoo hard, snatching a terrified Aera out of his grip before launching onto him like a mad man, taking everyone by surprise.
And then the end of the chapter with Sehun's sudden perspective:
He could feel her body trembling. Her breath was getting shorter with each step she took. He knew exactly what's going to happen next. He glanced behind him to find Jisung waving goodbye at Baekhyun while following close behind them. He was relieved because Baekhyun didn't come with them. He knew Aera won't approve of it.
It's important to stick to one character's narration and not flit to other characters' perspectives. In these examples, the scene should always stick to Aera's point of view and the readers should not be privy to Chanyeol's and Sehun's thoughts in passing. Hopefully this is clear enough?
One less major thing is there were a few times the teachers would swear at Aera, or in front of her, which I found highly unrealistic. Unless we are a in a dystopian or apocalyptic world, teachers should be held to a high standard of decency. Realistically speaking, their jobs would be on the line if they get caught using vulgar language on school grounds. Potentially, another exception is if the school had a notorious reputation and the authoritative figures, like the principal, did not care whether the staff swore or not. I don't see this type of situation present in Love, Logic an Lust. Here are two examples from Chapter 4 - She's not that bad:
"Now, enough bull," Jaera cut Aera's words quickly. "Ms. Song didn't believe you anyway."
...
"I know right? How could you sit in class and keep up with our bull for hours?" Baekhyun asked with sarcasm.
Perhaps you meant it as a way keep the read spicy and interesting, but it came to me as not quite believable. Is there another way to write to deliver your purpose without the teachers swearing in front of minors?
On a small and final note, your use of italicisation for an emphasised effect on the reader is generally spread out quite well. However, I am seeing more frequent use in the second half of your story and suggest you be a bit more restrictive with it. Take this excerpt from Chapter 10 - He'll be there for her to illustrate my point:
Sehun eyes darted around. "I think," he started before standing up. "I think it's a no."
With a smile, Baekhyun watched him. "Then, it's a no."
It was comfirmed to Sehun. No wonder Baekhyun and Aera clicked in a weird way. They're Scorpio.
And when a Scorpio has their heart set on something, they don't hold back.
"Right," Sehun mumbled. "I will pray for your soul, Mr. Byun."
"Thanks," the latter said blankly, watching Sehun making his way towards the exit. But before he could leave the room, he faced Baekhyun again.
"Aera doesn't need to know about our conversation or else she will flip out."
Baekhyun nodded. "Of course."
He waited for Sehun to close the door behind him before closing his eyes.
She might not show you how much she cares about you but well... she actually does.
Sehun's voice rang in his ears over and over again. Did Baekhyun hear him right?
Good God, she did care about him.
And he was too weak to force himself to let her go.
There is use of italicisation in almost every sentence, which consequentially compromises the intended effect. Overutilisation of italics risks becoming the norm. You may as well not italicise for same effect. I recommend taking more caution with using this technique in a sparing manner so the impact of italics retains. Please let me know if you need elaboration with this, and anything else above.
flow (4.5)
suitability of the flow » 1.5/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
Generally, the flow is quite steady and controlled. It helps that you have the storyline carefully planned out as it makes the flow seem seamless. This is more promiment in the constant clues and red herrings littered throughout your chapters. Comes together super well, enhancing suspense and intensity. Keep up the good work!
Two rushed bits I found was Baekhyun's sudden cry for help on his birthday and the swift relationship built between Baekhyun and Aera's aunt. With the first, I felt there was not enough connection established with Aera at the time, as discussed above. The introduction of Baekhyun's vulnerable and emotional side came on really sudden. Regarding the second pick-up, I found it peculiar Aera's aunt had only met Baekhyun for a day or two, and she's already revealing personal topics to him. Is the aunt that trusting? Would you meet a family member's partner for a few days, know that they have only been dating for a few weeks, and then expose your sister's mistakes?
Another pickup to note: this section from Chapter 11 - She's falling deep requires more description in between the two paragraphs. The lack of description causes the scene jump to be quite abrupt; it's not obvious that Aera is back home in the second paragraph. You should throw in a couple more sentences to ease the reader into the scene change.
A wave of emptiness hit Aera on Tuesday morning. Baekyung noticed it first thing once she walked into his class, slamming her backpack against her desk with a grunt. She could tell that he wanted to check up on her, however, she never give him a chance to talk to her because she stormed out of the classroom the moment the bell rang.
She sat in her marble bathtub while staring aimlessly at the blank wall in front of her. Thinking about last night events made stomach twist painfully. She was thinking what her life would have been like without Kyungsoo, without the prime minister and without the fear she's been withholding within her. She breathed out sharply and started slipping lower into the tub until the warm, scented water sloshed against her chin.
grammar (8.5)
punctuation » 3.5/4
spelling » 1.5/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1.5/2
I'm very happy with the majority of your grammar use, it seems that you have a foundational grasp which is great to see. Particularly happy with your use of punctuation, and I encourage a wider use of vocabulary to keep the read refreshing. There were frequent mistakes I came across however, some of which I've picked out below and a few I've elaborated on. Some chapters had substantially more mistakes than others but I'm sure they can be detected with another edit sweep. Note that below aren't all the errors I came across. Please let me know if you need clarification on anything. Other than that, awesome job with this category.
Chapter 1 - She's a special case
She thought for a moment that she could have a peacefully 'last year' of high school.
She thought for a moment that she could have a peaceful 'last year' of high school.
She tooka deep breath, pressing her lips together.
She took a deep breath, pressing her lips together.
Chapter 2 - She's the unbreakable b*tch
She kenw that arguing with Aera when she's in such a state was pointless.
She kenw that arguing with Aera when she's in such a state was pointless.
What followed last night events; was anger.
What followed last night's events; was anger.
This only came up twice or a thice throughout your current chapters but just be aware with the use of semicolons ( ; ). The two sentences should be able to stand alone. 'was anger' can't stand on its own as a sentence, thus, the semicolon should be removed.
She wasn't willing to waste any more minute with him.
She wasn't willing to waste one more minute with him.
"I was wondering when your going to learn how to knock before entering a room," Baekhyun pointed out coldly, fixing Aera with a serious look.
"I was wondering when you're going to learn how to knock before entering a room," Baekhyun pointed out coldly, fixing Aera with a serious look.
Grabbing the books he pointed at, Aera left the office with a scowl, leaving a shocked Riana behind staring at he space while trying to absorb her first meeting with the infamous Shin Aera.
Grabbing the books he pointed at, Aera left the office with a scowl, leaving a shocked Riana behind staring at the space while trying to absorb her first meeting with the infamous Shin Aera.
Baekhyun made a beeline towards an ampty table, sitting the books he had in hand onto it before facing Aera.
Baekhyun made a beeline towards an empty table, sitting the books he had in hand onto it before facing Aera.
She swore to never let anything break her, net even Kyungsoo and his wicked mind.
She swore to never let anything break her, not even Kyungsoo and his wicked mind.
Chapter 4 - She's not that bad:
She took aback by his sudden offer, not sure whether to take it or not as she gave him a suspicious look.
She was taken aback by his sudden offer, not sure whether to take it or not as she gave him a suspicious look.
This one came up a few times. It's usually phrased either 'she looked taken aback' or 'she was taken aback'. This is because 'aback' is an adverb and not an adjective, therefore someone cannot 'take aback'.
Chapter 9 - He's illegally irresistible:
Jinhee seemed to take aback.
Here, I would edit this to 'Jinhee looked taken aback'. This can also be amended to 'Jinhee did a double take'.
Chapter 10 - He'll be there for her
The last think she'd wanted was for him to come face to face with Baekhyun.
The last thing she'd wanted was for him to come face to face with Baekhyun.
He was telling Baekhyun to better shut up and disappear or else he won't be able to see tomorrow daylight.
He was telling Baekhyun to better shut up and disappear or else he won't be able to see tomorrow's daylight.
The kind, playful and perfect teacher was remplaced by a beast.
The kind, playful and perfect teacher was replaced by a beast.
She seemed to take aback by his words as she glanced between him and Aera for a brief moment before sighing.
She looked taken aback by his words as she glanced between him and Aera for a brief moment before sighing.
Let you father deal with him-- did you forget what he told you?
Let your father deal with him-- did you forget what he told you?
When she satrted walking down the pavement, he followed her.
When she started walking down the pavement, he followed her.
"Kyungsoo ordered me to find the man from last night. He want to know everything about him."
"Kyungsoo ordered me to find the man from last night. He wants to know everything about him."
"And let me tell you this." she pointed at him,
"And let me tell you this." She pointed at him.
One of Sinah classmates approached Yoori.
One of Sinah's classmates approached Yoori.
He was speechelss for a moment.
He was speechless for a moment.
He almost moaned when she rested her knee between his thights, wrapping her arms around his neck and bending her head downwards while kissing him aggressively.
He almost moaned when she rested her knee between his thighs, wrapping her arms around his neck and bending her head downwards while kissing him aggressively.
Chapter - 15 - She trusts him
It was until they reached a small diner and settled in a random booth ready to order something when Aera spoke again, reading through the menu.
It wasn't until they reached a small diner and settled in a random booth ready to order something when Aera spoke again, reading through the menu.
A couple of 'it was until''s throughout some of your chapters should be 'it wasn't until'. 'It was until' means something was something, until a change happened. In this example, to say 'it was until they reached a small diner' means that Aera had been speaking until they reached the diner. So the correction should be that Aera did not speak again until they got to the diner, i.e., it wasn't until they arrived at the diner.
Baekhyun thought it was going to be a smooth ride to Busan since Aera had been quite for the first couple of hours.
Baekhyun thought it was going to be a smooth ride to Busan since Aera had been quiet for the first couple of hours.
"Last I checked, your driving liscence had been suspended."
"You mean this?" she waved the driving liscence at him, still grinning.
"Last I checked, your driving licence had been suspended."
"You mean this?" she waved the driving licence at him, still grinning.
Baekhyun was able to catch that but he was back to focus on the road instantly.
Baekhyun was able to catch that but he was back to focusing on the road instantly.
It was until Baekhyun was back to drive again that he felt relieved.
It wasn't until Baekhyun was back to driving again that he felt relieved.
If someone is 'back to drive' it means they returned from another location or setting. Here Baekhyun is 'back to driving' which involves the action. You can think of it as needing to include 'from' if you are referring to a location/setting: 'Baekhyun was back from XX to drive again'. For example, Baekhyun was back 'from the bathroom' to drive again. As we are not referring to loctaions/settings in above two extracts (including the 'focusing' one) we need to add in the 'ing' to rein in the description regarding the character's action. Key thing to be mindful of is how you're utilising the action word when you are using 'was back'.
He sent her a quite glance, smiling. "You could have just told me," he stated. "I would have showed you her pictures."
He sent her a quiet glance, smiling. "You could have just told me," he stated. "I would have showed you her pictures."
Jisoo demanded as soon as she walked into the dining aera with a couple of plates in hand.
Jisoo demanded as soon as she walked into the dining area with a couple of plates in hand.
"She has never been in a relationship for her whole thirty-three year old."
"She has never been in a relationship for her whole thirty-three years old."
"I don't know, I feel like I don't need anyone in my life. I've been living alone ever since my parents death," she explained briefly.
"I don't know, I feel like I don't need anyone in my life. I've been living alone ever since my parents' death," she explained briefly.
"How did you two met, huh?" She looked at Baekhyun.
"How did you two meet, huh?" She looked at Baekhyun.
"Not really," he said playfully. "We still didn't reach that part yet."
"Not really," he said playfully. "We still haven't reached that part yet."
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I was looking for Aera. Is she still downstairs? Could you tell her that I've finsihed? She wanted to shower-"
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I was looking for Aera. Is she still downstairs? Could you tell her that I've finished? She wanted to shower-"
"What? Why?" he didn't seem to get what she meant.
"What? Why?" He didn't seem to get what she meant.
Chapter 17 - He's in love with her
It was until Jisoo left the house and a few minutes passed that Aera showed up out of nowhere with a towel wrapped around her head and a blanket wrapped around her body. Baekhyun was back to focus on his book, completely ignoring her. She slammed the History book onto the table before taking the chair in front of him.
It wasn't until Jisoo left the house and a few minutes passed that Aera showed up out of nowhere with a towel wrapped around her head and a blanket wrapped around her body. Baekhyun was back to focusing on his book, completely ignoring her. She slammed the History book onto the table before taking the chair in front of him.
She told him how scary he became when he punched kyungsoo.
She told him how scary he became when he punched Kyungsoo.
He noticed how she was brining out the best in him.
He noticed how she was bringing out the best in him.
By the time they reached Seoul, Aera was back to smile and mess around again which made him happy.
By the time they reached Seoul, Aera was back to smiling and messing around again which made him happy.
When Baekhyun was done showering, the first thing he did was opening his laptop to check his email box.
When Baekhyun was done showering, the first thing he did was open his laptop to check his email box.
Aera was too busy proceeding everything that she didn't reply to him and before he could say anything else, she made a beeline towards the stables, unable to hold back the excitement building within her.
Aera was too busy processing everything that she didn't reply to him and before he could say anything else, she made a beeline towards the stables, unable to hold back the excitement building within her.
"I am," Baekhyun admitted. "I don't like it when someone talk bad about her in front of me." He made eye contact with Junmyeon. "Especially when it's coming from someone who don't know her well."
"I am," Baekhyun admitted. "I don't like it when someone talks bad about her in front of me." He made eye contact with Junmyeon. "Especially when it's coming from someone who doesn't know her well."
taste of story (6)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 2/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 1/1
Love, Logic & Lust has an exciting plot filled with suspense and drama amongst many multiple fronts that suggest the main characters lead average lives. I get a sense that the story focuses on a lot of in-the-present moments with hints of a dark past, though the majority of the characters' history remains hidden. I would like to see further explanation on your characters' pasts to demonstrate how they have become the people they are today. It is interesting to see the various directions your story unravels - just when I think we've reached a maximum capacity of conflicts, bam, a new onslaught arrives. Here, I would remind again to be cautious about having too much going on as this may overwhelm the readers. Assuming you've got a detailed plan set out, I think you're doing great as it is.
Personally, I find the constant wave of conflicts to be excessive. It's less of the number of conflicts you've introduced and more to do with the difficulty in pinpointing which conflicts are significant. Say you create 100 problems in Love, Logic & Lust - are all 100 problems of equal importance to the story? Which ones strike the core of the fic and continue to be the defining element or theme of your composition? How do we tell which events to focus on? At this stage, I can't figure out which occurrences hold more or less prominence. There's Aera and Sehun's goal to graduate together, Aera's messy relationship with both her parents, news about her parents' past, Sehun's relationship with his father, the threat of Kyungsoo, Aera's relationship with Chanyeol, the suspense that Baekhyun's role is introducing, etc. Adding more problems or conflicts diminishes the effect of the story's current problems. I would suggest resolving some of these issues before introducing or escalating other events.
With your main characters, as much as I would like to say I extremely appeal to Aera and Baekhyun, I don't yet. I find them to be predictable, which is generally fine, but to convince me to find some attachment with characters, I would like to see meaningful development. As mentioned above, both Aera and Baekhyun resemble the shell of the characters they were at the start of the fic. Some exceptions with Baekhyun as his true persona is slowly being revealed, but it would be great to see some variance in Aera. As of current, she is still the cliche ice princess who is rude and blunt to anyone who is not family to her. Again, this is not so much a negative thing, it's just not that thrilling for me. Your side characters, I like more. They each differ differently in dynamic and contribute a perfect amount as minor characters. Each of them has a unique personality and role in the story yet none of them steal the spotlight. Amazing work with side minor characters.
Besides the strangeness of Baekhyun latching on to Aera so quickly given their difference in life experience, I found the general flow of your story to be engaging and appropriate. It's impressive to see you incorporate so many elements and events and not rush the pace of the story in a severe manner. Keep it up from here on. Some of the grammatical mistakes affected my reading enjoyment but the biggest influence was the quality of your description. For me, the description wasn't enticing and I kept noticing what I've discussed above whilst reading. The biggest letdown was the frequent reveals of other characters' thoughts and feelings whilst you were narrating from Aera's or Baekhyun's point of view. I always notice this as a reader. Additionally, I found most of the dialogue quite unrealistic. There's the fact that the teachers are using vulgar language in front of the students, and some of the things that Aera says to other students, her teachers, parents, and everyone else, are quite audacious. It's difficult for me to find it all believable and this was a major component that affected my reading enjoyment. Perhaps more description about the way Aera thinks, on a personal level, would ease my absoprtion of Aera as the main narrator as it would give me time to familiarise myself with her. Everyone has something to improve on though, and I believe content description can be worked on with continued writing and experimenting.
All in all, you're doing a stellar job with your fanfiction and I wish you all the best. I hope your readers are showing the appreciation you want to see. I know it is always hard to stay motivated. Good luck with the rest of Love, Logic & Lust and I hope you had a wonderful birthday!
total score (77.5)
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