The World Through Your Eyes - 88.5
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » kit_kat_rat
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 45
genres » Supernatural
description » Upon his encounter with Chinsun, Baekhyun gets thrown into a world that he never knew existed before. Join the journey and venture into this unseen world.
No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself.
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
At first glance, the title is very enticing with a vague hint of another 'World'. I think it would attract any reader that is into the supernatural genre. You've implicitly and explicitly expressed the relevance of the title throughout your story, so full points for correlation and clarity. The only thing I would note is that personally, I think 'The World Through Your Eyes' would have packed more punch if the fanfiction was told through Baekhyun's side only, or at least predominantly. The presence of 'Your' hints an outsider's perspective as opposed to characters who genetically, or aleady, have the Sight. However, as revealed, the fanfiction is narrated through several characters' point of view, which I will elaborate further below. Nonetheless, full marks in this section.
graphics (0)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0/2
correlation to the story » 0/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
Missing graphics. A poster is not a must - don't judge a book by its cover, right? Or in this case, don't judge it by any cover... I would recommend requesting for some graphics to add to the appeal of the Description and Foreword. Pictures can speak lots to enrapture the readers. Considering you are finished with writing, however, it is understandable if you opt to leave the fic without graphics. Unfortunately, I cannot award any points here.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
I think the Description creates the right amount of suspense, giving the readers a little taste of what they should expect if they choose to start reading. A brief mention of the main characters, a hint of the world beyond life and death - all of which are kept short and succinct. Strong use of truncated sentences and rhetorial question pull the readers in. Reading in between the lines, we can easily pinpoint Chinsun and Baekhyun as more primary characters, rendering the insight into these two quite appropriate. I think the Description is perfect.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Throughout the chapters, all the paragraphs were neat and consistent. There were very few instances where some sentences lacked the double spacing but overall, there were no recurring issues. One example is provided below. The dispersed chapter titles are an interesting take, especially as I reviewed the story completed. They did leave me wondering the specific relevance to the storyline, however, as I can take a few hints but it's not entirely clear-cut. Nevertheless, I definitely see the appeal of it.
Chapter 27
“Why are you up already?” Jongin frowned at the girl in disapproval. “You should be getting more sleep.”
“That’s rich coming from you.” Chinsun rolled her eyes.
Single spatial division here as opposed to your usual double spacing.
PLOT (30)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 10/10
Your plot. What an absolute ride. For starters, it's clear that you had a devoted path you wanted to walk the readers through and I want to commend you on such an effort. Choosing the supernatural genre and throwing the readers into a new and different (and more frequently unheard of) environment warrants a description and explanation of everything - what this world is made of, how it came to, what makes it so specially supernatural. The explanations contained in your first batch of chapters were so, so important to the story - especially since spirits and ghosts may not be the 'popular' supernatural beings that readers are more accustomed to (as opposesd to vampires, werewolves, etc) - and I was very pleased to see that you took the time to educate and elaborate. The storyline was presented very firmly, in conjunction with strong characterisation and a controlled flow, with pieces of the puzzle spread evenly across the chapters to keep readers on their toes. The plot was continuously developing (almost to the point where I wondered if it would ever stop developing [not a bad thing!]) with the occasional bursts of action spicing up the story. Speaking of action, I think you've done a great job in maintaining a balance between action and idle moments. On a rather small note, I think it's fine for you to end up making romance a very minor theme, and personally I enjoyed the subtle reactions by Jongin and Baekhyun towards Chinsun. The vague hints here and there definitely left me on my toes - and true, wanting more, but it's quite appropriate to leave the possibility of a non-platonic relationship a question mark if the main focus of The World Through Your Eyes is the spirit world. Each event that occurred held some sort of relevance to characterisation or progressed the plot, or both, so all boxes ticked here. This may be one of few reviews I've given where I've awarded full points in this category. Spectacular job!
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
Another category that shone in your story. Each character started somewhere and you never failed to depict their individual background, portray their way of thinking, and build on them to be better. Your ability to plan out your characters, show who they are through narration, and have the readers easily pick out what makes them different from each other is outstanding. There was obvious development in each character as the occurrences piled up, through spirit combats or interaction with other characters. I think you selected a healthy amount of main characters as well as side characters. It's quite easy to fall in love with every one of them in their own distinctive way.
content description (8)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 3/5
There are a couple of points I want to bring up here, all of which are quite minor when scrutinised individually, but when put together ultimately affect the reading flow. Overall, I came across exemplary descriptions that went a long way to portray the storyline and picture events that occured, as well as the characters' reactions. In terms of the amount of description, again I think you've ticked all boxes, but in some cases, perhaps too many boxes. More times than I would have preferred, I found that you over-explained what you wanted to say, examples of which I've teased out below. You write enough by saying one thing, then you extend further to the point where it's unnecessary to include those two things. The first is sufficient to get your message across. This flows on to my next point, which is at times, there is too much description. Again, it's unnecessary. Personally, I can clearly pick out your talent of writing. Your succinct style of narration leave no room for confusion or second-guessing. This left me questioning why you were over-describing scenes - is this a habit of yours, or are you afraid that your readers won't receive the messages clearly? It honestly could be argued that you are weary of the readers possibly not understanding how the scenes are playing out, or what the characters are thinking, by which the excessive description is justified and acceptable. However, for me, I think your narration is outstanding, and 3/4 of what The World Through Your Eyes writes is enough. The over-explanations became repetitive to me.
Chapter 31
Chinsun and Jongin replied simultaneously while giving contrasting answers and they looked at each other in surprise.
“It’s open to interpretation.” Chinsun extrapolated quickly though Jongin rolled his eyes in defiance.
“He ran off because he didn’t want to deal with the responsibilities.” Jongin huffed.
“After making sure to teach us everything there was to know and being confident in your abilities to take over.” Chinsun tried to defend the older male.
“Stop defending him.” Jongin growled though his glare was directly towards empty space instead of Chinsun.
These extracts are very self-explanatory. Few instances of excessive description are acceptable, but after a while, it becomes a drag. The first bits are less major, but a good example is how you repeated that Chinsun was defending their uncle. I also want to point out that sometimes, not following up with naming who said what can be effective, as with your chapters I found each piece of dialogue labelled. Personally I found it pretty obvious who spoke what. I've provided my edit below along with punctation corrections, which I will explain in Grammar:
Chinsun and Jongin replied simultaneously while giving contrasting answers and they looked at each other in surprise.
“It’s open to interpretation,” Chinsun extrapolated quickly though Jongin rolled his eyes in defiance.
“He ran off because he didn’t want to deal with the responsibilities.” Jongin huffed. (Or I would keep this and cross out 'though Jongin rolled his eyes in defiance').
“After making sure to teach us everything there was to know and being confident in your abilities to take over.” Chinsun tried to defend the older male.
“Stop defending him,” Jongin growled though his glare was directly towards empty space instead of Chinsun.
My next point concerns your constant use of elongated sentences. This aspect can also be correlated with excessive description, but the focus here is more technical. Put simply, some of your sentences are too long. I recommend incorporating truncated sentences in the mix to change the pacing of narration here and there. Your Description uses a handful of truncated sentences which, as mentioned earlier, is very effective in enrapturing the audience and keeping them on their toes. Paired with elongated sentences, the effect can be mesmerising. I was a bit disappointed to not have tasted the impact of shorter sentences within your chapters that you offered in your Description. Occasionally in between dialogue, I found less elongated sentences, which was a good breather, but the majority of your narration contained sentences that sometimes went on for too long.
Chapter 11
Suddenly, Baekhyun was reminded that there should be yet another human being residing within his home at the moment, thus tiptoeing out of his room, Baekhyun craned his neck, expecting the comical sight of Sehun sleeping on a sofa that was way too small for him, only to find no hint of the male.
Suddenly, Baekhyun was reminded that there should be yet another human being residing within his home at the moment. Tiptoeing out of his room, Baekhyun craned his neck, expecting the comical sight of Sehun sleeping on a sofa that was way too small for him, only to find no hint of the male.
Chapter 36
If Jongin noticed the sudden shift in her, he showed no reaction though even if he wanted to he had no time as Jongdae had taken charge of the conversation once again.
If Jongin noticed the sudden shift in her, he showed no reaction. Even though he wanted to, he had no time as Jongdae took charge of the conversation once again.
Chapter 42
Jongin remained silent and maintained his blank expression while blinking rapidly to hide whatever emotion was lurking in his eyes that may give away what he was truly thinking. Unfortunately for him, that did not go unnoticed by Chinsun who smiled to herself in satisfaction.
Jongin remained silent and maintained his blank expression while blinking rapidly to hide whatever emotion was lurking in his eyes that may give away what he was truly thinking. Unfortunately for him, that did not go unnoticed by Chinsun who smiled to herself in satisfaction.
This would be a mix of both over-description (past the point of necessity) and too-long of a sentence.
Chapter 44
Baekhyun’s agony filled voice cut through the thunder, wind and rain, stabbing Chinsun in the chest as crocodile tears poured out of her eyes due to her inability to stop Baekhyun’s misery. Chinsun felt her lower body losing strength and the only thing stopping her from fully collapsing was Jongin’s sturdy chest against her back, his toned arms enveloping her, and his calloused fingers wrapped around her trembling hands.
One thing I want to say about each sentence. Regarding the first one, again, the description is excessive. I would shorten it to: 'Baekhyun’s agony filled voice cut through the thunder, wind and rain, stabbing Chinsun in the chest as crocodile tears poured out of her eyes due to her inability to stop Baekhyun's misery'. The last half of what I left speaks beautifully about what Chinsun is going through, so there is no need to tell as otherwise it simply repeats your point. Hopefully it makes sense now. If you need more clarification or have any questons, please feel free to ask me! Second sentence, I must say, is written so well. Too well. Impeccable presentation of showing what Chinsun experiences and highlighting that safe and sheltered connection to Jongin. Your talent of narration really radiates here.
The final point to note is the use of character perspective. Throughout your story, you've narrated through several characters' point of view whilst revealing the true thoughts and feelings of other characters. In effect, you are simultaenously narrating through each individual at every given scene. Although there are benefits to exposing the real intentions and emotions of all characters, the downsides are that it becomes overwhelming to the readers and you lose the prospect of suspense. It's easy to lose sight of who's point of view we are in, and simply knowing what each character is truly experiencing immediately satisfies curiousity. The readers aren't left wondering much at all and it turns down the excitement, purely because we already know.
When you choose to narrate through one character's perspective, you should stick to that character's thoughts and feelings alone. In real life, this makes sense. We live life through our own eyes and the most we can make out of other people's actual intentions are through our own assumptions based on others' actions and reactions, or if others explicitly state what they are thinking or feeling. These are all aspects I can see you would have no difficulties incorporating in your writing. So if you write through Baekhyun's point of view, the readers shouldn't be aware of any other characters' true thoughts or emotions. Instead, seeing that Chinsun wears a constant worried expression speaks for itself, or Jongdae stating that he is hungry (i.e. dialogue) speaks for itself. Assumptions can therefore be drawn out by observing others and listening to dialogue, and is much more appropriate when narrating. Divergence of perspectives was continuous throughout your chapters, so I've provided a few extracts below. Please let me know if you need further explanation.
Chapter 13
Chinsun jumped out of her seat when she saw Jongin and Baekhyun stumble in with an unconscious young male in their arms. One look at the spirits trailing behind them and Chinsun locked the entrance of the bookshop to then forge her way towards the archive. Baekhyun inhaled deeply, anticipation bubbling inside of him for being allowed in there for the first time and was surprised to find it much larger than he had expected.
This is the start of the chapter and introduces both Chinsun and Baekhyun as potential narrators. I would note that the first two sentences belonging to Chinsun can pass as general observations by Baekyun, as the third sentence brings the readers into Baekhyun's perspective. The third sentence launches us into Baekhyun's shoes, because you've told us there is anticipation bubbling inside of Baekhyun and he then felt surprise, rather than assuming it (if we were in Chinsun's point of view). Following on from the introduction of Baekhyun's perspective, this next revelation has kept it clear we are in Baekhyun's point of view, which is a plus:
Baekhyun did as he was told and was welcomed with the comforting scent of lavender and peach blossoms. His noses scrunched up however when the Chinsun lit the incense and its striking smell attacked the delicate scent of the candles.
Captivating descriptive language here; I've provided some minor grammatical edits:
His nose scrunched up however when the Chinsun lit the incense and its striking smell attacked the delicate scent of the candles.
Then, we have a sudden exposure of Jongin's thoughts and emotions, which personally felt like cold water dumped over me. As a reader, I was prepared to be privy to only Baekhyun's thoughts (whilst also minding Chinsun's, having known that you tend to switch from perspective to perspective).
Jongin growled at Chinsun, not appreciating her tone of voice, however he knew that she was right and redrew the erased part. Out of habit he had drawn a symbol that had intense attacking powers, but their aim was not to force the spirits of the comfort women into submission but the opposite.
The paragraph succeeding that, however, is acceptable, because it describes Chinsun's without revealing her thoughts and feelings (true or assumed), and any character could have perceived this.
When he was done, he signalled Baekhyun to help him move Yuta to the centre of the circle, careful to not accidentally smudge anything. Meanwhile, Chinsun unlocked a box, revealing a 12-string gayageum. Sitting down onto the floor, Chinsun gingerly laid one end of the gayageum onto her lap and placed her hands in position, an open book sitting next to her. Receiving a nod from Jongin, Chinsun strummed the strings with great force at first to attract the attention of the spirits. Then, Chinsun softened her approach and gentle waves emitted from the instrument, splashing against the spirits like playful waves of the sea.
If you intended to narrate through Baekhyun's eyes, I would further note that describing the actions and expressions of other characters more than necessary would confuse the readers as to whose point of view we're looking through. As observed, that paragraph features a lot of Chinsun. A simple way to confront this issue without cutting back all that lovely description would be littering Baekhyun's thoughts and assumptions here and there. This reinforces territory and makes it clear who's thoughts and emotions we are privy to.
Chapter 45
“What?” Chinsun shouted back as she had not managed to catch what Mark had said.
A final example - as this sentence suceeded Mark/Baekhyun's short period of narration, I've offered two alternatives that keep the perspective to Mark/Baekhyun whilst portraying Chinsun's inability to hear Mark:
1. “What?” Chinsun shouted back, seemingly not being able to hear Mark.
2. “What?” Chinsun shouted back, craning her neck forward with a hand to her ear.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
I could constantly sense a strong grip on the pacing of the story, which is an ability that you should be really proud of. Whenever there were slower parts (which are essential for setting the storyline), you balanced it extremely well with action. The only section of The World Through Your Eyes that I felt was a little out of place was perhaps the final battle against Kim Sungil. The build-up to the fight was excellent, with each character's anxiety and involvement in the battle thoroughly visited, but I think compared to how all the other chapters were written out, how you ended that final fight fell a bit short? I would still commend you for that scare with Baekhyun, that was written out nicely. Perhaps I was too used to your meticulous style of writing, subsequently making me expect a longer play-off with Kim Sungil. On another note, the explanation of the egg ghost was interesting, but the resolution of that too felt a bit rushed. I felt you spent the majority of the previous chapters emphasising how sinister this egg ghost seemed, so the way Baekhyun completely turned around and accepted that maybe it worked as a non-evil warning was a little abrupt. Other than that, there is one minorly specific example I want to address:
Chapter 37
Jongin explained curtly before his expression darkened and left Naesae in a rush through the front entrance rather than the kitchenette so that he did not need to cross paths with Chinsun.
This extract I picked out is really minor and specific but as I've gotten used to your thorough story-telling, I initially thought I misread this sentence. I found the second half of this sentence quite rushed, as the narration preceding the sentence showcased dialogue between the characters in their comfortable manner. There were no hints that a character (i.e. Jongin) was ready to run on short notice. Again, I stress that this is a minor pick-up but I found it abrupt that Jongin suddenly packed up and left - perhaps it's the way you stated so in half of a sentence.
In all though, I think you've kept a very good control of the pace across all 45 chapters, and that's a force to be reckoned with.
grammar (7)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
In each chapter, I found a handful of mistakes that another editing sweep would easily fix. There were very few chapters that had no grammatical errors as opposed to the majority of the chapters having a number of errors, but I think you've done an impressive job considering how many words you wrote. The recurring issues I came across were spelling errors and the tag-verb collision. Some edits are provided below. Otherwise, I noticed a very advanced level of sophisticated vocabulary and consistency in keeping to the past tense, which are always pluses.
The tag-verb collision is a very common mistake that most authors make. Since your fanfiction is already done and dusted, I would recommend simply being aware of it for future stories rather than spending the time to go through each chapter correcting all the collisions. If you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ).
Chapter 6
“But I think they returned to properly show us their gratitude and bid us goodbye properly.”
“But I think they returned to properly show us their gratitude and bid us goodbye properly.”
“I could say the same to you.” Jongdae huffed. “You come here so often, why don’t you start working here instead?”
“His grouchy face would scare customers away.” Chinsun hummed without missing a beat.
“I could say the same to you,” Jongdae huffed. “You come here so often, why don’t you start working here instead?”
“His grouchy face would scare customers away,” Chinsun hummed without missing a beat.
“Not at all.” Chinsun welcomed the elderly lady. “I’ll make you a cup of team now.”
“Not at all.” Chinsun welcomed the elderly lady. “I’ll make you a cup of tea now.”
Chapter 7
sOh my god, do you think maybe Aunt Kwon and Uncle Kim actually secretly eloped together?”
Oh my god, do you think maybe Aunt Kwon and Uncle Kim actually secretly eloped together?”
“If you really were horrible, Chinsun and Jongin would not care so deeply for you” Baekhyun stated with certainty.
“If you really were horrible, Chinsun and Jongin would not care so deeply for you,” Baekhyun stated with certainty.
“I just know.” Baekhyun ended up saying. “I’m a writer so I’m very observant.”
“I just know,” Baekhyun ended up saying. “I’m a writer so I’m very observant.”
Jongdae shrugged his shouldesr as though it was a casual matter.
Jongdae shrugged his shoulders as though it was a casual matter.
Chapter 20
“It’s ok the cry.” Baekhyun whispered into her hair as he gently rubbed her back.
“It’s OK to cry,” Baekhyun whispered into her hair as he gently rubbed her back.
Use 'OK' or 'okay'.
“You almost got killed because of us.” Chinsun said in an unexpectedly calm tone. “You even saw an egg ghost because of us.”
“You almost got killed because of us,” Chinsun said in an unexpectedly calm tone. “You even saw an egg ghost because of us.”
Chapter 25
Above anything, she could not bare leaving the poor woman alone.
Above anything, she could not bear leaving the poor woman alone.
Chapter 26
Nonetheless, Chinsun missed the sensation of freedom and liebration that she used to feel whenever her long locks fluttered in the air; untamed and unconfined.
Nonetheless, Chinsun missed the sensation of freedom and liberation that she used to feel whenever her long locks fluttered in the air; untamed and unconfined.
Standing across the street from them on crooked legs was the egg ghost, looking so unstable as though a sudden gust of wind would blow it away
Standing across the street from them on crooked legs was the egg ghost, looking so unstable as though a sudden gust of wind would blow it away.
“But no one mentioned who exactly scratched him.” Chinsun sighed. “Either they don’t know or they do’nt want to snitch. I suspect it’s the latter.”
“But no one mentioned who exactly scratched him,” Chinsun sighed. “Either they don’t know or they don't want to snitch. I suspect it’s the latter.”
Chapter 27
Remembering that she had something to give Jongin, Chinsun quickly recollected herself and held out her had, almost slamming whatever she was holding into Jongin’s chest.
Remembering that she had something to give Jongin, Chinsun quickly recollected herself and held out her hand, almost slamming whatever she was holding into Jongin’s chest.
Chapter 35
“He did my tattoos.” Chinsun interjected, unconsciously rolling up her sleeves so that her white bujeok tattoos were on full display.
“He did my tattoos,” Chinsun interjected, unconsciously rolling up her sleeves so that her white bujeok tattoos were on full display.
Chapter 36
“Until our parents intervened.” Chinsun stated carefully. “But he’s anger has not subsided.”
“Until our parents intervened,” Chinsun stated carefully. “But his anger has not subsided.”
Turning around to face Jongin, for the first time the male looked away and refused to exchange gazes with her; thus blocking their primary form of communication.
This last one concerns the use of semicolon ( ; ). Both sentences preceding and succeeding the semicolon should be able to standalone, otherwise, utilising a semicolon is not grammatically correct. '[T]hus blocking their primary form of communication' fails to be a complete sentence on its own, therefore, a comma is more appropriate.
Turning around to face Jongin, for the first time the male looked away and refused to exchange gazes with her, thus blocking their primary form of communication.
taste of story (8.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3.5/4
length of your story » 1/1
And finally, my own personal take of the story as a reader. Honestly, I am currently very much into the supernatural genre - especially during COVID. The number of paperbacks I've read this year... Unfortunately, I'm not the biggest fan of the spirit world, but it's more appropriate to say that I haven't been exposed to this category enough. That is why I found it incredibly important to give the readers thorough background and context to this fanfiction, which I spoke about earlier, as the history really explains the backbone of the storyline. Again, I stress that you have done an exemplary job.
The downfalls of your writing for me were the constant back and forth between point of views, and the frequent grammatical errors. I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi so the constant occurrences of mistakes affected my reading flow. Notwithstanding this, I'm willing to offer a lot of leniency as I think finishing such a lengthy story is a true accomplishment. As for the perspective issue, it was almost like I was reading from a third-party perspective, being privy to everyone's thoughts (again, overwhelming) and doing so lost the anticipation on figuring out the other characters. On another note, I think the dedicated focus on the action more so than romance made a big difference, as there was much more attention to the puzzle of the spirit world rather than everything else. I think this is fitting and what makes your fanfiction its own.
As aforementioned, this review contains really high scores in categories where I'm ordinarily very critical. I'm a little sad that your story doesn't have graphics, as if you were to obtain full marks in that section I would have been able to bring you up past the 90 mark. I find your writing to be extremely engaging, and look forward to your future stories which I wish you the best of luck on. Thank you so much for your patience in receiving this review!
total score (88.5)
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