We Are No Gods (An Eye for an Eye)
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reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » BangMind
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » Supernatural, Psychological
description » The discovery of a magical notebook completely changed Jisung and Chenle's lives. The difference is, Chenle found its power something to be worshipped as long as he knew what he should do with it, while fear was the only thing Jisung could feel about it, as it slowly interfered with their once-peaceful friendship and turned it into anything but.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is an eyeful but stands as a thought-provoking name. I like the message it sends, fully reflected in the moral of the story. I think a lot of readers would find interest in the title and give your story a go based on its appeal. I personally would click into your story if I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions. In terms of correlation and clarity, I don't think it's particularly clear why the story is named as it is. However, I appreciate the sophistication of it and I like that it adds to the mysterious vibe the story generates with its supernatural plot. I think the meaning of the title is deeply embedded in the composition, but it's coherent enough for me. Well done with the pick.
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The story poster is simple yet suits the vibe of the story well. There are two main characters in the fic and they are clearcut in the graphics. The mist cutting through in the background and foreground give a mysterious effect, relatable to the supernatural theme of the plot. The graphic is as appropriate as a simple poster can get.
However, I do think it's worth obtaining a proper graphic for your story with the title of your fic and author credits just to visually brand the story and add more detail to the current image. At the moment, it comes across very plain and dull. Throwing more substance in there to look at would boost the overall aesthetic of the Foreword, which influences a reader's first impression and invites them to start reading the story. Perhaps adding in an image of a book would prove beneficial. This is a matter of personal preference though, so it's really up to you, seeing as your fic is completed.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description is brief and effective, appropriately summing up the storyline within a few sentences and written in a way to entice readers on first impression. I think what you have is very sufficient and should ensnare a lot of reader's interests. Content in the Foreword is also very suitable with no issues, and I'm loving the overall organisation of the Description and Foreword. It looks very polished and structured, which boosts the visual impression for readers and is exactly what we want to see in this category. Great job!
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
The majority of the oneshot maintains consistent font, font size and spacing. Likewise to the previous category, this presents a polished look to the story and influences reading flow. I particularly like how you prompt new sections of the oneshot with the notebook's guidelines and in random order according to what's relevant to the storyline at the time. I think this quite creative and should objectively intrigue a lot of readers. With some spacing in the chapter however, there are a few slip-ups which a quick fix should correct, all of which are extracted below:
That evidence was an unedited CCTV recording of the scene where Chenle apparently picked the notebook up, but all could be seen was his hand in an awkward holding position in what seemed like in mid-air. But Chenle claimed it was the moment he got a hold of the notebook.
Which Jisung perceived as none but a joke.
He would have jumped on his bed the morning after the day he was supposed to be dead, celebrating about how stupid the notebook was.
Except he had a different idea in his head, because he had a nightmare, vividly, of Woo Sanghyun dying by violently piercing his own throat with a fork in his jail cell, through his open mouth. And Jisung only woke up after he heard the last breath coming from the suicidal person.
See how the lines in between are missing a spatial division. Just be more vigilant with spacing as it affects the overall organised look of your chapter. It's better to stay consistent with spatial divisions than not. Additionally, I believe this section has one too many lines:
The person that he had no business with, unless knowing him from that notebook incident with Chenle counted.
Guideline #16: The person getting their death date exchanged that appeared to be later than the other person’s, shall witness the latter’s designated death in their dream the next time the former goes to sleep.
Moreover, one thing I noticed throughout your writing was that you overuse new lines. Instead of keeping sentences that are relevant to the same point or are narrating the same story occurrence, you tend to hit enter and have sentences stand in their own paragraphs. The effect is that readers get used to reading new lines instead of paragraphs. We generally don't want this, as starting new lines or paragraphs can have an impactful effect on narration. Prompting new paragraphs are typically used to introduce a new idea, point, or action by a character. It's not a conscious thing on the reader's part, but when we read a new line, we mentally refresh to absorb the new element - think of it as the reader taking a mental breath. Though it's not wrong to have sentences in their own paragraphs, it's unnecessary as a lot of sentences in your chapter can be tied together in the same paragraphs. So when there are more paragraphs, stand-alone sentences can be read with more impact. Here's an example of what I mean:
Haunted, traumatized, and most of all, terrified.
Jisung felt terrified that the notebook was capable of doing exactly what it said it would be able to do.
He wanted to confront Chenle about the way his friend did not listen and went about exchanging his death with someone else.
But he also knew that without Chenle doing it, he might have died his timely death, whatever the cause might have been.
He knew there was already a silent mutual acknowledgement about Chenle writing his and Woo Sanghyun’s name, the moment his suicide was published in the local media.
He felt sick and he had a hard time coming to terms with it.
And he mentally came to terms with the thought that he would live his life to the fullest as he was given a chance to live longer, and that Chenle did not have any other choice but to save his friend by writing down one of the only bad people he had a visualization of their appearance.
Because there was no other choice.
Jisung was terrified.
He was not as terrified of the fact that he stole someone else’s life anymore, since he had somehow managed to get back to being able to sleep normally like the way he did before Woo Sanghyun died.
He was terrified because Chenle had been using the notebook and growing what could be described as obsessive.
Writing countless names of the prisoners broadcasted on the media from all over the world, and writing names of people he had no idea who they were, and he was sure Chenle only knew through means of interacting in a mutually contracted, arranged manner.
He was definitely doing business with the notebook.
All these sentences relate to Jisung's feelings, which is what the first sentence of this extract states in its entirety. Again to use as an example, think of each new line as the reader taking a deep breath - that's a lot of inhaling in a short period of time to absorb the same point. See my suggestion below:
Haunted, traumatized, and most of all, terrified. Jisung felt terrified that the notebook was capable of doing exactly what it said it would be able to do. He wanted to confront Chenle about the way his friend did not listen and went about exchanging his death with someone else. But he also knew that without Chenle doing it, he might have died his timely death, whatever the cause might have been.
He knew there was already a silent mutual acknowledgement about Chenle writing his and Woo Sanghyun’s name, the moment his suicide was published in the local media. He felt sick and he had a hard time coming to terms with it. And he mentally came to terms with the thought that he would live his life to the fullest as he was given a chance to live longer, and that Chenle did not have any other choice but to save his friend by writing down one of the only bad people he had a visualization of their appearance.
Because there was no other choice.
Jisung was terrified. He was not as terrified of the fact that he stole someone else’s life anymore, since he had somehow managed to get back to being able to sleep normally like the way he did before Woo Sanghyun died. He was terrified because Chenle had been using the notebook and growing what could be described as obsessive. Writing countless names of the prisoners broadcasted on the media from all over the world, and writing names of people he had no idea who they were, and he was sure Chenle only knew through means of interacting in a mutually contracted, arranged manner.
He was definitely doing business with the notebook.
Can you see a difference in reading flow? Because I used paragraphs, the stand-alone sentences read across with a lot more impact as they're a break from all those sentences combined together. We should be able to see a difference visually. And this is especially so as all these sentences relate to the same point. To reiterate, there's nothing wrong with leaving most of your sentences as individual lines, but using paragraphs create the opportunity for a more impactful read.
PLOT (23)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 9/10
the effect of events » 7/10
development of plot » 7/10
The storyline presents an intriguing dilemma for the readers to reflect on, challenging one's individiual desire and greed as opposed to doing what's right. It's great to see this contrast reflected in your two main characters, with continual interaction prompting the readers to frequently engage in this theme. I also like the message it sends where high rewards demand high risk, with Chenle's glory coming at the expense of others' suffering. This was counterbalanced nicely with Jisung's constant questioning and disapproval, boosting the appeal of the story and marking it a unique read. The final scene encapsulates the epitome of Chenle's excessive abuse of the notebook, driving home the point of the story. Great work here. Regarding the supernatural component with the plot revolving around the notebook, you provide necessary background information about how it came into the lives of Jisung and Chenle. There are believable explanations about the nature of the notebook such as it being uncapturable on camera. As far as it goes, the plot is as realistic as it can get.
Story events are strategically placed within the fic to keep the story moving, showcased prominently through the way the notebook's guidelines are inserted to prompt new scenes. I think you picked out a good selection of occurrences to portray the unsettling power of the notebook paired with Chenle's greed for it, to then depict Jisung's struggle with comprehending this turn of events. This shows consistent development of plot in we are no gods (an eye for an eye).
I'll make it a point here that though it's not a disadvantage to request a review on a one-shot, it's definitely more challenging to score really well due to the short nature of a one-shot as opposed to a 10 or 30-chapter read. As the story is published in a single chapter, there will be a lesser amount of events that happen which create less opportunity for character development and the storyline to go anywhere far. Again, nothing wrong with this, but it will mean that I can only award marks based on the substance of the one-shot and it may be difficult to award full marks if it's not warranted. Thus, I hope you won't feel discouraged about loss of marks due to the lack of opportunity. I will opinionate on what is given in the chapter but not what the story could've been, if that makes sense. Notwithstanding this, I'd say you scored really well in Plot given the short nature of the composition.
characterisation (7.5)
development of characters » 3.5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
This is another category where it will be a bit difficult to give out marks due to the nature of your story. There does exist character development, showcased predominantly towards the end of the fic where Jisung makes his sacrifice. His resolve to make things right at the end of the story represents a prominent distinction from the character he was at the start of the chapter, where he was confused and conflicted about coming to terms with the notebook and Chenle's excitement for it. Leading up to that point, he was constantly questioning Chenle's actions and intentions, effectively playing devil's advocate to engage the readers in your story's moral. Though Jisung's development is quite predictable from the start to end of the composition, I'm content to see that his character did change. On the other hand, Chenle showed less character development, where he remained the same excited and glory-driven character for the majority of the fic. We see an immediate change when he processes Jisung's sacrifice, though we don't get to see much of this and what happens after. Nonetheless, I do approve of this last point since we are in Jisung's perspective and we shouldn't get to see much more of Chenle after what happens to Jisung. So in terms of appeal of the storyline this is great to see, but in this category, marks for character development fall a little short.
Character influence is an aspect I'm quite happy with. There is strong connection between both character's thoughts, feelings and actions, and movement of the plot. There is a commendable balance between Chenle's active role, where his intentions push the storyline forward, and Jisung's passiveness where he reacts to Chenle's decisions, evoking engagement in the readers. Excellent job with their influence on the story.
content description (6)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 3/5
The writing tone of the chapter is very efficient in the sense that scenes are narrated curtly with necessary explanation without the need to dwell on any event for too long. The curt writing style makes for a fluid reading flow which can come across quite appealing to many readers. I appreciate that in a one-shot, there isn't much opportunity to throw in a lot of descriptive language especially where minimal scenes are used, but across the board I think your chapter could have done with a bit more content description. Simple and thoughtless imagery such as describing appearances of characters helps set the scene for readers and ensures they are on the same page as the narrator and author. It would be useful to describe what Chenle looks like in Jisung's eyes and what both characters are wearing in any given scene. This is especially important for readers who aren't familiar with idols used in fanfictions, such as myself with Jisung and Chenle. Regardless, visual imagery shouldn't be overlooked and can easily boost reading enjoyment as it provides opportunity for readers to be ensnared in author's distinctive writing styles and be invested in the narration. There are plenty of instances in the fic where description can be inserted, such as describing what the characters look like, what they're wearing, their dorm room in the opening scene, the train on the way to Jisung's grandmother's birthday, and the cottage at the end of the chapter.
Aside from the lack of some visual imagery, I'm quite happy with the attention you give when describing Jisung's feelings towards Chenle's intentions with the notebook. The content is easy to understand and thoroughly explains how Jisung thinks and feels. This also allows the readers to better understand Jisung as a character. Great work here.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow is handled really well considering the supernatural foundation of the storyline and the level of intensity at the end of the chapter. The pace of the story moved relatively quickly but wasn't unreasonably rushed. This, combined with the efficient writing tone discussed above, makes your chapter a quick read. I think you demonstrated great control of the pacing of the one-shot to get the plot moving along. As far as this goes, I have no issues with the flow.
grammar (8)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
There are a few grammatical errors littered here and there. I think some of them are slip-ups which another round of edit should pick up. The only major and recurring issue I see is the tag-verb collision, which is a common mistake a lot of writers aren't aware of. With the tag-verb collision, if you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation marks ( " ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation marks. A few examples are provided below, along with other errors I've picked up and corrected. Please note these aren't all the mistakes I came across. Let me know if you need further clarification on anything.
The night Chenle got back to their shared dorm room, bodily injuries from head to toe but walking briskly in with thelife-changing item in his hand, looking at Jisung as though he was about to prove to Jisung his life-time belief that aliens did exist.
The night Chenle got back to their shared dorm room, bodily injuries from head to toe but walking briskly in with the life-changing item in his hand, looking at Jisung as though he was about to prove to Jisung his life-time belief that aliens did exist.
“Apparently, only the one who creates Life-exchanging notebooks,” Chenle finished his sentence with a simple snap of his hand, closing the notebook and revealing clearly then to Jisung, that the it had a title unlike most other notebook, and on top of that, the exact title that Chenle just mentioned.
“Apparently, only the one who creates Life-exchanging notebooks.” Chenle finished his sentence with a simple snap of his hand, closing the notebook and revealing clearly then to Jisung, that the it had a title unlike most other notebook, and on top of that, the exact title that Chenle just mentioned.
“I can read.” Jisung squinted his eyes at Chenle, and it took him less than a second to realize what was on his friend’s mind, “you’re telling me you see your native language instead?”
There are two possible corrections for this, though you may find the second one to flow better:
“I can read,” Jisung squinted his eyes at Chenle, and it took him less than a second to realize what was on his friend’s mind, “you’re telling me you see your native language instead?”
“I can read.” Jisung squinted his eyes at Chenle, and it took him less than a second to realize what was on his friend’s mind. “You’re telling me you see your native language instead?”
Unlike Chenle who was completely fascinated about the Notebook, Jisung suffered countless sleepless nights thanks to it.
Not just because he learned the Notebook was apparently written in whatever language its ‘viewer’ used as their mother tongue.
It's important to stay consistent with labelling any object of significance in your writing. In your chapter, you referred to the notebook as the 'notebook' for the majority of the one-shot, and only used 'Notebook' in these two sentences.
Unlike Chenle who was completely fascinated about the notebook, Jisung suffered countless sleepless nights thanks to it.
Not just because he learned the notebook was apparently written in whatever language its ‘viewer’ used as their mother tongue.
“But they told me to not trust you.” Chenle said, his voice a bunch sharper and louder than he normally was.
“But they told me to not trust you,” Chenle said, his voice a bunch sharper and louder than he normally was.
Next Saturday was nine days from then. And Chenle’s counter said nine days.
Next Saturday was nine days from now. And Chenle’s counter said nine days.
Although you are narrating in past tense, it's important to not get confused with the period of time your characters are presently in. To say 'nine days from then' is to talk of the past, but I believe you are referring to nine days from the present.
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 1/1
I found we are no gods (an eye for an eye) to be an interesting read. I think it's impressive that you managed to narrate a rather complex storyline in one relatively short chapter. I like the message the title sends, where life doesn't usually hand everything you want on a golden plate and you would usually need to work for what you're after. I also like the message the end of the story sends, where excessive greed leads to heavy, and in some cases, irreversible consequences. For what a one-shot is worth, I'd say you did an exemplary job. Your main characters weren't boring to read as they represented the epitome of morale and selfishness. I thought the flow was really well-handled and smoothly got to the point of your story, whilst supplying the necessary background of this magical notebook. Personally, the only suggestion I would bring up to improve the overall enjoyment of the story is a greater focus on one particular element or conflict to define the storyline. As it currently is, you've included significant events to display the high risk of interacting with the notebook, such as Woo Sanghyun's suicide, the fight on the train between Jisung and Chele, and Jisung's sacrifice in the end. However, all of these events were grazed over so that though they are individually significant in value, they weren't given enough focus to be the face of the story. I feel that if there was one or a couple of highlights that showed me these are what makes this story its own, I could move that 4/5 to a 5/5. Likewise, including more descriptive language would also boost enjoyment of the read on an objective level. The quality of content description is something I always look out for as a reader and reviewer. Nevertheless, your story presents an intriguing and thought-provoking read. I hope you're happy with it!
total score (79.5)
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