Vengeful Romance - 80
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!vengeful romance
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » bae-jinki
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 19
genres » Drama, Romance, Revenge
description » Abandoned by his first love only to find her five years later as his and his fiance's wedding planner, Bang Yongguk is determined to make Im Mani feel the pain that she put him through.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
I think the title is perfect for the story. It's short, sweet, and appealing, and would definitely convince me to click into the fanfiction if I were scrolling through a list. It also captures the essence of the plot and doesn't fool readers in this respect. Full marks here!
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster in itself is quite simple yet the various shades and slanted positioning of the images create complexity. The tinted overlay is a very clean polish and hints the unstable relationship between the main characters. At first I didn't recognise the palm tree but now that I've read up on the story, I think it's a very smart symbol signifying the epitome of Yongguk and Mani's relationship. The title is very easy to spot, with the stark contrast of the white against the darker hues of the poster - I would have hoped for a different font as opposed to the cursive, as if I were to really read into it, cursive font would implicate a smooth plot which is not the case with Yongguk and Mani's love story. But of course, us authors leave most of the creativity to the graphic artists and overall, the poster turned out really well for this storyline.
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
I absolutely love it when authors sum up their whole plot in one single sentence, especially ones where the characters and events create such drama! I think you have done exceptionally well in this section. The Description is succinct and written well. Engaging without needing to reveal too much. The extract in the Foreword provides a nice contrast with the shortness of the Description, and an appropriate opening to the story. I would opinionate that most readers would be interested and convinced to continue reading on your story.
The only thing I would pick on is the fact that the Description is written from Yongguk's perspective, and because there's only that one sentence, it implicates that the story would be told from Yongguk's eyes. Obviously that's not the case, and the Foreword reveals Mani's perspective too, though still predominantly Yongguk's. More on perspectives below.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Throughout the chapters I found the font and font sizes to be consistent, which is a definite plus. Keeps readers with an attention to detail like myself really happy. However, some space divisions in your chapters are a little off, both in between sentences and the splits cueing different character perspectives or events. The downside of inconsistency with spatial divisions is that it disrupts the reading flow. I've picked out one example where the sentences lack a space division:
Chapter 4 - A Vow
“What?” she mouthed to the worker.
“Your admirer is here,” Jieun whispered back.
PLOT (28)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 9/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 9/10
The plot is well-balanced and neatly presented, with a long history of the main characters and a hint of how the side characters connect to Yongguk and Mani. I found the foundation of the storyline to be enticing, with an initial explanation of how and why things are the way they are now, how the characters respond to current situations and the clear growth of the story. Various occurrences obviously change the way the main characters think and feel so there is a strong connection between the plot's events and the subsequent effect on the characters. The idea of two lovers finding their way back together, one sporting a cruel demeanour and the other a selfless, kind and generous persona, is quite the classic storyline - not so original. However, I find that all the events you put your characters through ramp up the story and to see it develop ensnares your readers, leaving them wondering what comes next. I think you've done a great job spinning a cliche plot into one of your own.
I would have hoped to see more of Daehyun and Goeun later in the fic. Seeing through their eyes through the first few chapters made me think they both had primary roles to play - and maybe they will. The disappearance of their perspectives was obvious to me during the second batch of chapters, as you latched on to Yongguk and Mani's minds, so I would suggest consideration of their contribution to the plot. Is there a reason why you decided to narrate part of the story through Daehyun and Goen's eyes? I approve of their current path, as Daehyun's yearning for Mani and Goeun's heart reaching towards Youngjae unquestionably adds more drama.
Overall, I find the presentation of the plot to be quite excellent, and I don't usually award such high marks in this category in my experience of reviewing so a very well done here.
characterisation (6)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 3/5
As mentioned in the previous section, the effect of the story's events significantly altered the character's initial thoughts and feelings, so I commend you on the development of your characters. I'm going to be completely honest and say that Yongguk's harsh personality did not sit right with me; some of his actions are unforgivable in my book. As I read on I anticipated how you would turn such a cruel man around and win over Mani again. As of current, there has been some development of Mani's feelings towards Yongguk, and her final resolve is yet to be determined. I can see that she is already leaning towards forgiving Yongguk for all his actions but I do hope you will choose to paint Yongguk in a brighter light before the story ends. Yes, he has said some romantic words here and there but personally I don't feel that they compensate for all his rude comments and physical violations. This is my take on Yongguk's change in character though, so it's just something for you to consider. For the sake of objectiveness in this review, I haven't deducted any points regarding Yongguk's character as there is clear development and influence on his part, and those are pluses.
On the other hand, Mani is a very strong character with an honourable sense of loyalty to her family. Her consistent selflessness makes the readers fall in love with her and root for her success. Since she's already so powerful, there is little room for improvement. She seems to know what she wants in life, identify all the appropriate risks in conflicts and is able to act accordingly. As a result, there is little development in her character. She's the same person as when she was young. The difficult situations you put her through make the readers empathise for her, but if you take away the events, she doesn't need sympathy. She's already a happy ending. I can sense that you're well into the second half of Vengeful Romance, so it'll be difficult if you want to incorporate a change of pace in Mani. Right now, Mani's number one priority is to see that her family is safe and able to hold their own, which has been the case since she was born. Mani and Maru has received education and her mother stayed employed. It doesn't matter if Mani's pursuing her love with Yongguk or not; either way, her family is protected. To give Mani a little boost, I would question whether you're already satisfied with her character. If she's set on living the rest of her life the way it is now, then there would be no point trying to add drama to alter her resolves. However, if she has another goal in mind that is just as important or nearly as important as ensuring her family's safety, for example, being happy with Yongguk, or staying employed as a wedding planner and/or Daehyun's therapist, then I would let conflicted thoughts trickle in so that Mani doesn't stay a static character. This could also benefit plot development.
Moving on to the significance of your side characters. In the first half of your story, the side characters seemed to play a prominent role alongside Yongguk and Mani to the extent that some parts of the story were narrated through these side characters. However, these perspectives were dropped and were not returned to as the story progressed, which to me sings, again, uncertainty as to how important these side characters are, and whether it was necessary to switch perspectives in the first place. It's clear that the story is centred on Yongguk and Mani with occasional appearances of the others, so I think it would have been most appropriate to stick to the main characters' point of views. I also want to briefly bring up the pertinence of sticking to one perspective, so that if you are letting Mani tell the story, the readers should not be aware of any other character's, for example, Yongguk's, thoughts and feelings. Silent responses may be obvious to you as the writer, but if not explicitly spoken aloud, described through a character's actions, or assumed by the narrator, it wouldn't make sense for the narrator to perceive other character's true emotions. Instead, you can endorse 'show don't tell' which I'll explain in the next section.
Targeting relationships as per your request, I can say with confidence there are strong connections between Yongguk, Mani, Daehyun and Goeun. I can also extend this statement to regard the more minor characters, like Mani's family, Youngguk's, and Youngjae. I can easily link each character to everyone else and describe the type of relationship with certainty. The only relationship I would put a question mark over would be Yongnam's role, but I do sense (if not, I hope) that the reasoning behind his actions would be revealed and the readers would get to know him more, whoever he is. Other than that, I don't see a reason for concern about the relationships you have built for your characters, as I think you've done exceptionally well. If there's anything else you want me to address, please let me know!
content description (7)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 4/5
The majority of the story was narrated well, I found some your descriptions very tasteful and easy to paint the scene. However, some parts I felt lacked description and dialogue took over. Incorporating dialogue is an effective way to reveal the personalities of characters but it forgoes the scenery. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. If you pay attention to how a story comes to life when you narrate through descriptions, compared to when characters speak aloud, you may find it interesting the different paths the narration would take. For Vengeful Romance, I would recommend being aware of using too much dialogue. If the characters speak too often, it loses its impact and the readers may become bored.
Further, some descriptions had too much tell and not enough show. The second half of Chapter 6 - Unwanted Guests narrated in Daehyun's perspective is a prominent example of excess dialogue, and not enough showing over telling. Your most recent chapters maintain a better balance though, so I can see that your habits of writing has changed over time.
I just wanted to draw out this one extract - I wasn't sure what you meant my 'diving' into her neck? Perhaps it could be worded differently:
Chapter 4 - A Vow
“How much are you really worth, Im Mani?” he asked before slowing diving into her neck.
Lastly, I wanted to single this paragraph out because I think it's absolutely amazingly written:
Yongguk proceeded walking to the direction of the valley. As soon as he reached the destination, he spotted a petite woman sitting in the grass meadow. Her hair was pulled to one side of her shoulder and she was meticulous working with something in her hand. He had found his love. In the golden hour sun, Mani looked like a goddess. Her skin was glowing. Even from afar Yongguk saw how her cheeks were a flushed light red from the sun. She looked so beautiful and breath-taking, he couldn’t help but just stare from afar.
I really appreciate the mix of elongated and truncated sentences. It presents a very smooth and impactful flow for the reader. The description also captures the essence of Yongguk's admiration of Mani and emphasises his feelings towards her. Excellent storytelling here.
flow (3)
suitability of the flow » 1/2
your control of the pace » 2/3
Some developments in the story were smooth and seamless - no questions raised. Others, however, could have been supported with more explanation to help with the flow of the story. For example, the kidnapping of Mani and how she accepted her capture relatively easily. Mani had built such strong connections in her life that resigning herself to confinement would have wreaked havoc in her relationships. She could have lost clients and Daehyun might have been off the rails. Another grey area would be Yongnam's attempted capture and then release of Mani, as that was left unexplained. Generally, however, I could see also that you kept a firm grip on the fast-occuring events and didn't let the storyline spiral out of control.
grammar (6)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2
Generally I found only a handful of grammatical errors, which is quite impressive. More often, I encountered common mistakes, examples of which I've extracted below. There were few spelling errors, and I sighted some advanced terms which signify your sophisticated vocabulary, and these are always a plus.
The first issue that I would like to bring up is tag-verb collisions. When you end a dialogue with 'said', 'asked', 'shouted', etc, you should use a comma. On the other hand, when you end a dialogue with action, you shoud use a full stop. Here are some examples:
Chapter 3 - 5 years later
Startled, she light exhaled, “Yes in fact I do, you and your fiance,” she emphasized, “are my clients. Hello Bang Yongguk-sshi.”
Startled, she light exhaled. “Yes in fact I do, you and your fiance,” she emphasized, “are my clients. Hello Bang Yongguk-sshi.”
Note that the correct punctuation has been used following 'emphasized'.
Chapter 7 - Lay With Me
“Hm,” he began to lie the laces of his left shoe. “It was fun. The obstacles are actually kind of challenging so it’s a great experience for the whole family and people of all ages.”
“Hm.” He began to tie the laces of his left shoe. “It was fun. The obstacles are actually kind of challenging so it’s a great experience for the whole family and people of all ages.”
The second recurring issue that I came across was a constant conflict between past and present tense. It's important to stick to either the past or present, as switching frequently can confuse the readers. I encountered quite a few, and quite sporadic, changes in the use of tense, so I urge you to be more mindful. Below are some further corrections but not all the mistakes I saw:
Chapter 1 - Orders and Decisions
“Or are you just so stuck on following my mother’s orders that you forgot you have emotions as well?”
“Or are you just so stuck on following my mother’s orders that you forget you have emotions as well?”
“If Madam finds out...” she sighed, “There’s no way, though.” she assured herself.
“If Madam finds out...” she sighed. “There’s no way, though,” she assured herself.
Chapter 2 - Sacrifices
“It’s almost 3 in the morning.” she quietly opened the door and waved for him to come out.
“It’s almost 3 in the morning.” She quietly opened the door and waved for him to come out.
“Where to?” he asked once he got.
Seems here that you're missing the rest of the sentence.
“Ni’s Island,” she said. Yongguk pedaled and she wrapped both arms around his waist as the basket rest on her legs.
“Ni’s Island,” she said. Yongguk pedaled and she wrapped both arms around his waist as the basket rested on her legs.
“What is that suppose to mean?”
Boryun laughed, “Sweetie, she seduced not only you but your brother also. She’s a low-class tramp. Don’t grief about her.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Boryun laughed. “Sweetie, she seduced not only you but your brother also. She’s a low-class tramp. Don’t grieve about her.”
Chapter 4 - A Vow
Gasping, she gawked at the bouquet. “Thank you Daehyun-sshi.” Mani carried the bouquet and smiled, “Peony, my favorite.” She narrowed her eyes at him and playfully nudged him with her shoulder, “You’re too nice to me, Jung Daehyun.” she said whilst shaking her head.
Gasping, she gawked at the bouquet. “Thank you Daehyun-sshi.” Mani carried the bouquet and smiled. “Peony, my favorite.” She narrowed her eyes at him and playfully nudged him with her shoulder. “You’re too nice to me, Jung Daehyun,” she said whilst shaking her head.
Unlike you, he is caring, truthful, and a wonderful man. Please remember that and try to refrain yourself from comparing a grain of sand to pure gold.”sshi into our issues.
Spelling error here.
Chapter 6 - Unwanted Guests
“I’m home!” his father sang.
Daehyun rolls his eyes but continues to eat his food. Eun leaves the kitchen and greets her boss. “Welcome back!”
“Ah, Eun.” he laughs and hugs her. “Long time no see.”
“How was business over there?” she asked as she took his coat from him.
“Wonderful! I’ve settled a golfing resort there so business is fantastic.” He looks around,
"Where's Youngjae?"
These sentences are a prime example of tense collision. As the majority of your story is written in past tense, I've corrected the passage to past. Keep in mind also that if the character is continuing his dialogue, and it hasn't been a lengthy paragraph, there should be no need to insert a space division. I refer to the last two sentences regarding this.
“I’m home!” his father sang.
Daehyun rolled his eyes but continued to eat his food. Eun left the kitchen and greeted her boss. “Welcome back!”
“Ah, Eun.” he laughed and hugged her. “Long time no see.”
“How was business over there?” she asked as she took his coat from him.
“Wonderful! I’ve settled a golfing resort there so business is fantastic.” He looked around. "Where's Youngjae?"
Chapter 13 - A Kind Reminder
“Her fever is going down,” he noted. He stood up and looked at Lek, “I have to go to Seoul for a bit.”
“Her fever is going down,” he noted. He stood up and looked at Lek. “I have to go to Seoul for a bit.”
“I should be back in a few days. I don’t want to raise suspension that Mani and I are missing at the same time.
“I should be back in a few days. I don’t want to raise suspicion that Mani and I are missing at the same time.
Chapter 17 - These Feelings
“Yes, Bank Yongguk.” Mani stated, “perhaps you’ll know someone for me.” She cheekily grinned at him then strut away from him.
“Yes, Bank Yongguk,” Mani stated, “perhaps you’ll know someone for me.” She cheekily grinned at him then strutted away from him.
Mani from hitting him and losing the fish. She looked back and forth; shifting her gaze from Yongguk rubbing his jaw and the fish that swam away and to the group of laughing children splashing in the water.
First sentence seems incomplete. In the following sentence, the semicolon ( ; ) is not used appropriately and so should be replaced by a comma. The use of a semicolon would mean that the two sentences prior and succeeding it should be able to stand alone. This means that you should be able to read the second sentence 'shifting her gaze from Yongguk...' on its own, which is not the case. Therefore, a comma is more appropriate.
taste of story (6)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 1/1
Initially, I was enticed by the storyline and was eager to see how Mani and Yongguk would end up back together, or resolve things between themselves. However, as you presented Yongguk to be this extremely cruel character - not entirely without reason, as you have stressed in your story - I found it increasingly difficult to sympathise his circumstances. As I mentioned earlier, the extent of his actions made me wish the worst on him. I didn't root for him at all. Later in the story, it's clear that Yongguk is trying his best to change, but personally he hasn't won me over yet. I think everything he has done, from evicting Mani and her assistant, to kidnapping her to a foreign island, and all those ual assaults in between, Yongguk would really need to work magic to redeem himself. I also am frustrated that Mani is taking Yongguk's treatment so lightly and that she's willing to accept whatever he throws in her way. But I guess it epitomises her good character and levelheadedness so I can understand her passive attitude.
The grammatical errors did affect my reading flow but as I went over in Content Description, some excerpts were exemplary. I encourage you to use more description because you show promising talent for it! Overall, I think you've done exceptionally well with Vengeful Romance - hopefully this last stretch of the road will be smooth for you. Lengthy fanfictions are a commitment, so take as many hiatuses as you need! There's no point forcing those words on the screen if you're not in the mood for it - it'll only reflect negatively on your story.
Lastly, I want to sincerely apologise for how long it took to get this review out. I aimed to finish this a few weeks back but more and more comments just kept popping up so I had to wait and let my mind system finish excreting, lol. I hope you find some helpful tips and if you're confused about anything or need further elaboration, please let me know! All the best with your writing :)
total score (80)
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