{时间煮雨 Our Dreams  by Feebear88}

Story Title (4/5)

I am Chinese but I quit Chinese school six years ago so no I do not know what those characters say. Google links it to Kris so I'm just going to give you credit for that. Our dreams... a very unique and appealing title. Although we are three days in, I don't know how you are going to relate the title to your story, but I'm looking forward to it.

Graphics (1/5)

You don't have an actual graphic for your story and to me, they play an important role in drawing the reader it. Graphics set the atmosphere of the story from its colours and the overall impression of the poster and background. The little picture you have there, shows some meaning as it bonds the twelve together, but I still wouldn't want to treat that as your main poster.

Description and Foreword (8/10)

The first sentence of your description definitely drew me in. However, I kind of got lost with the rest. I was confused by the second sentence, but on the third, "anyone got lost?" should be "did anyone get lost?" or "anyone lost?". I can see how the first sentence of the description is related to the story so far, but not the other two which I'm not too worried about as you still have the rest of the story to complete. I'm a er for short descriptions. I think it's a really handy tool to urge the reader to read the story.

I think it's nice how you chose to confess that his song inspired your story. It's a nice song and I'm sure others would agree.

{Story Plot}

Characterisation (20/20)

I don't see any real flaws in your characters. You clearly show that they are the twelve of them make a happy, adoring family. I like how you made the manager too cruel; but then again, maybe that's the reason Kris really left. It's not difficult to fall in love with the character of Kris - how he tries to give as much as he can to his boys with the undying guilt taunting him. No complaints here.

Originality (5/10)

No doubt there are hundreds of fanfictions dedicated to the leaving of Kris. As time is a little tight for me, I haven't taken a moment to read some of those fanfictions therefore strongly say whether or not your storyline is unique from others. However, I am pretty sure there are storylines similar to yours as it's a simple foundation.

Flow (5/5)

Of course, the chapters represent each day so there really shouldn't be a break in your flow - which there isn't. You've kept the pace of the story very smooth and steady; nothing was rushed nor prolonged for too long.

Conflict twists (8/10)

There wasn't any part in the story where it completely shocked me. But then, you've only got three chapters at the moment. I like how Kris stands up to the manager, bakes pancakes for the boys and pays for Lotte World. 

Content Descriptiveness (10/10)

There was an ample amount of description provided throughout your chapters; nothing to point out here.

Grammar (13/15)

You have proved your grammar to be exceptional, although there is one common mistake authors make.

You perhaps are confused with the tag-verb agreement. If you put a tag-verb (she laughed, he cried, they said) after a character's speech, you must put a comma before the ending quotation mark, and lower the first letter of the tag-verb. This is what you have been doing, which is exceptional. However, the next part, you haven't been doing. If putting an action sentence after the dialogue, then vice versa; you are required to put a period before the ending quotation mark and put the first letter of the starting word in upper case.

Quote: “It is me, you brat. Now wake up!” he slapped the back of his head.

Correction:“It is me, you brat. Now wake up!” He slapped the back of his head.
Quote: “Yifan 哥? No. I must be dreaming,” Tao said, and then proceeded to slap himself awake, “Yah! Wake up! Wake up!”
Correction: “Yifan 哥? No. I must be dreaming,” Tao said, and then proceeded to slap himself awake. “Yah! Wake up! Wake up!”
 

On top of that, I found very few typographical mistakes which provees you are editing your story efficiently. Great job!

Taste of the Story (10/10)

I really liked your story. Although it's not really a distinctive storyline, you've turned it into a wonderful, brotherly love story. I know you haven't updated in a while, but do not rush your chapters. You have to keep maintaining your steady flow. I hope all goes well with your story; it's turning out to be a great one so far!

Score: 84/100

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