Memories in the Rain - 78
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!Memories in the rain
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » GreenGradenPop
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » Romance; Angst
description » She disappeared as if the earth had swallowed her up; he hoped that a miracle would bring her back to him.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is quite fitting to the concept of the story and how it's laid out. It's also a very memorable title, I feel as if I could read 50 stories after this and still remember what your story was about if I saw the title. And if I was searching through a list of fanfictions, I would also click into this one.
graphics (3.5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1.5/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
There's a lot to take in. Firstly, I like how the bright colours of the idols' images starkly contrast the dark hues in the background. It is clear which idols star in the one-shot. There's an orange fade that draws attention to flowers, which I'm not sure has a significant connection to the story. More flowers and buds outlining the edge of the poster, and a watch at the bottom left, not sure about those either. Ideally, I would want to look at a poster before reading the story, appreciate the graphics, read the story then go back to the poster and notice all the little things about it that link it to the story. Each graphic is unique on this website, there is no way another author can take the exact same poster and use it for their own story, so it leaves all the room for creativity and connection to your fanfiction.
Secondly, I would comment that the quote and title should be left in a brighter colour, perhaps even white, so it's more visible. It's a bit hard to spot and notice as it blends into the background. When I first saw the poster, I noticed the idols' names first instead of the title, which might be a worrisome thing if that's not what you were going for.
Thirdly, I like the rain in the background. I see that going on. Adds to the sombre vibe too. Props to that.
description and foreword (7)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
At first I was confused because I didn't realise it was a collection lol, and given that, there isn't much in the description and foreword for me to comment on, as you may appreciate. As an overview, I like how you kept the summaries of each one-shot neat and compact. I thought the summary of this one-shot was very relevant to the story line, and it's amazing how you can name the plot in one sentence.
Regarding the passage following the description, at a first read, the sentences are intriguing. However, I'm not sure if I can see much correlation between the storyline and the majority of the passage. I applaud you for projecting the motif of rain, but think you could've reaped more benfit from the passages. This could apply to the rest of your one-shots as well, as I can see the other stories follow the same layout. To really push for an impression on the readers, I would suggest taking snippets of the passage and integrating it into your story so that the readers can trace the words back to the foreword and realise its significance. I think I would have appreciated the passage in the foreword more if something similar was set out.
story layout (4)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
The layout of the one-shot was very consistent, I found no slip-ups in font, font sizes or the spacing in between paragraphs. This is always important as it maintains the reading flow. One thing I would suggest is breaking up the flashbacks. I think this would make it more clear to the readers that Myungsoo is thinking of the past, and not hallucinating, and I also think giving the past memories more space in the one-shot would give it more meaning. The past times were so different to Myungsoo's present, separating the two would emphasise how Myungsoo is feeling. In particular, I didn't realise we were going into another flashback, the one where they had their first kiss, as I thought we were still living on from the holding hands time period. This was probably due to the one sentence separating the two snippets of the past.
PLOT (24)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 4/10
The plot is simple, a short story of a young man trudging through life on his own after death of a loved one. For readers who are into angst and romance, this is a classic storyline. The same plot can be told in many ways, and I think you have a talent for narration. The flashbacks were weaved in well, very important technique as the story is pretty much set in a span of a few minutes or hours in Myungsoo's present, so flashbacks are the only way to reveal the story. I think you executed the telling of the past quite well, and chosen specific and relevant events to push the story. As it is a one-shot, there is not much room for plot development, which is perfectly fine when you're working with this particular storyline.
characterisation (6)
development of characters » 1/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
As far as this category is concerned with, there is not much character development in the story as you narrate in Myungsoo's present time and contract his sense of self with snippets of the path. The past and present are merely contrasted, but not linked and does not weigh in to how Myungsoo changed as a character. However, I don't believe this is something this is to be concerned about given the nature and length of a one-shot, as I know you don't intend to write anything more.
In terms of influence, I would say the roles were well thought out. The main character and their love, conflict in their families, and with the main character's brother. I think it's sad that Myungsoo's family ended up shunning him, presumably for the rest of his life. Seeing a development in familial relationship there would have upped this section, but I appreciate that you intend for Myungsoo to live miserably as he is.
content description (8.5)
quantity » 3.5/5
quality » 5/5
I think this part was well wrote out. There were similes I spotted that fit the story quite nicely, and again the recurring use of rain. Where there was description, it was tasteful, however, there are few sections of the story where I think a bit of elaboration wouldn't have hurt. For example, why was Myungsoo's family so intent on marrying Jiyeon to Jaejoong? So far as I read, the two families' intention was just to bring the families closer together? Couldn't either son do?
Most particularly, I definitely think you should have given more words to the lead-up of Jiyeon's fall. As she means so much to Myungsoo, and the absense of her person is so devastating to him to the extent where he starts hallucinating about her, the cause of Myunsoo's pain should have been written over at least a few paragraphs. As a reader, I was sad to read only a few sentences about what resulted in Myungsoo's current state. The aftermath of her fall was done well, however, with Myungsoo's reflection of the incident and his guilt.
flow (4)
suitability of the flow » 1.5/2
your control of the pace » 2.5/3
As aforementioned, the transition between flashbacks could have been a little clearer. Either extra spacing or perhaps more description on Myungsoo's present should make the ride smoother. I think three snippts of the past is a perfect number - lengthens the one-shot to an appropriate length and doesn't overwhlem the reader. This being said, I think you had good control of the pace, I didn't find the flashbacks too sudden, and Myungsoo's present thoughts and hallucinations were weaved in appropriately.
grammar (9)
punctuation » 4/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1.5/2
tense collisions » 2/2
A very well done in this section. Throughout the one-shot, the punctuation, spelling and tense collisions were excellent. The only sentence I would correct is:
We stared at each other before we nodded and chorused: "Yeah we love each other."
We stared at each other before we nodded and chorused, "Yeah we love each other."
As tasteful as I found most descriptions, there were some parts I found awkward which broke the flow. One big one is the first sentence:
'It was around five in the morning when I woke up to the sound of the heavy rain followed by some nice thunder rolling.'
I would have left the sentence as 'followed by thunder'. If you had to indicate that Myungsoo enjoyed the noise of thunder, I would put it in a sentence after it.
Also, I found some words describing the way the characters spoke out-of-place. Examples:
'"Myunsoo, I feel so cold," she informed as she hugged me tightly.'
'"Park Jiyeon, Kim Myungsoo, do you love each other?" Jaejoong inquired.'
I appreciate that you are trying to branch out to other verbs rather than overusing 'said' and 'told', however, I feel that 'informed' and 'inquired' are quite formal, less non-colloquial words, and consequently hindered the smooth read. With those particular sentences, you could have even dropped the names as it's quite clear who is speaking.
On that note, there were many instances where you did leave the names out and replaced with actions, which is always a smart choice as it moves the story along too.
taste of story (7)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2/4
length of your story » 1/1
Overall, I quite liked the story. I loved Jiyeon's role in the story and could see how clearly Myungsoo was affected by her presence and her death. For my own liking, there were several parts of the story where I felt it was a bit rushed or out-of-place due to a lack of explanation. For example, Jaejoong's confession of his love to his father, and both Myunysoo and Jiyeon overhearing this. Some sections were also questionable. For me, these were Jiyeon's physicial capability to stop Myunsoo's fall and pull him in, and Jaejoong's inability to accept his brother's mutual love for Jiyeon. I see that there is not much of a loving brother relationship between the two, which came as a surprise as it wasn't mentioned earlier in the story. Other than that, I enjoyed the story and am a fan of it. Well done!
total score (78)
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