Lost Between Both Worlds: Lostlings
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LOST BETWEEN BOTH WORLDS: LOSTLINGS
Mei wakes up to being told she is dead with all her memories also being lost. She meets people who are like her that calls themselves, "Lostlings". This story follows them and their past secrets, what may tie them together, what binds them from moving on, and if they will ever move on.
reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
Title (4/5)
First of all, I'm going to assume that by putting "Lost Between Both Worlds" in your title, you are giving readers the definition of "Lostlings". If this is the case then you have basically stated "Lostlings" twice and what I am trying to say, is that you may as well name your story "Lostlings: Lostlings". Pointless having both in the title. If you'd like to have the idea Lostlings written in your title, then I'd much prefer "Lost Between Both Worlds" than "Lostlings" as I find that the former gives a much more appealing look than just the one word (even though many readers go for one-word titles) and seems to contain a lot more substance than just "Lostlings".
However, if I have misinterpreted and by having both "Lost Between Both Worlds" and "Lostings" symbolise a significant idea in your story, then you don't have to change a thing. What I have written above is just something that was rotating in my mind while I was reading your story, and had me confused.
Other than that, your title is appealing nonetheless and it certainly had me curious. I am sure it will attract many readers if they were scrolling through a list of fanfictions.
Graphics (1/5)
At a first glance, the poster gives off an eerie, contained atmosphere. Mystery is written all over the poster and what's amazing about EXO's overdose teaser images are that they can pretty much be placed in any horror/thrilling/mystery/angst fanfiction graphic and effectively build the atmosphere, looking as handsome that they will always be. Anyway, I approve of the lettering, how each line effectively enlargens. I heard a voice in my head, growing louder with the words.
However, after looking back from reading your story, I find that the graphic almost holds no connection to the story. To start off with, not all members of EXO have a starring position in the story, so some shouldn't be in the poster. I guess I'm creating a misunderstanding here as you are bringing up each character's value in the story neck to neck with others, such as how you are starting to introduce Kyungsoo's past life. This will be further discussed later on.
However, it's not just EXO members telling us the story. Where's Alice, Hana and Mei? They are the main, if not semi-main characters and surely deserves a spot in the poster. And I'm not sure what's in the background . . . are there clocks and a big moon? I'm a bit confused as to why they are there. Maybe clocks to symbolise how the Lostlings' time is limited? If so, then the clocks should be brought bolder into the poster. No idea why the moon is there though.
As you can see, posters aren't just a bluff to appeal to the readers. It's important to make sure each and every feature correlate with the poster. Even if your poster is a beautiful artwork, what's the point of having it if it's totally meaningless to the story itself?
Description and Foreword: (3/10)
The description definitely fuels the fire, and if not already, lights a spark of curiousity. The use of examples after the semi-colon definitely picks up the pace and builds on the atmosphere. I'd like to ask the question: why is the description set in Hana's perspective if she doesn't have a significant role in the story?
Because I had stretched the time taken to read your story over a five-day period, I had completely forgotten what was in your description and so when I went back over your foreword to compose this review, I had originally thought you set it in Mei's perspective when I saw the word "Luhan", and I thought "yeah that makes sense, since Mei starts the story for us and narrates in most chapters". However when I got up to the vampire bit, I went "hang on, Mei didn't think they were vampires . . . someone else did." I was pretty shocked to find Hana possessing the description.
You don't have to follow my advice, but I do highly suggest you to change the description. I really don't think Hana is suitable to dominate the description at all; in fact I don't think any character is fit to narrate through the description. Since you have been switching perspecives throughout the chapters, you've made it that almost everyone is the main character, deeming no one the most important.
There are two ways to write a description: you can either give the readers a sneak peek (what you have done) or you can summarise your story. How engaging a description is depends on how well you can manipulate the readers through words. If you want to stay with the sneak peak method, it will prove a lot harder than summarising your story as there are so many characters that are significant. There are two ways you can tackle this (that I can see): you can either provide the readers a few quotes that resemble some characters, or you can turn one character into THE main character and have him/her star in the description. Choosing the latter will most likely require you to change any plans you may or may not have made for future chapters, and if you'd want my opinion, I think Mei stands out a lot more than the other characters (Alice keeps popping up in my mind but I think I'm just a little biased towards her).
It's good to see you clear up on your definition of putting your story under the mature content in the foreword section. One thing I'd like to point out, is of the "horror" tag. I had originally assigned your story to another reviewer as I generally stay away from any horror or thrilling ideas. However problems were encountered and that reviewer turned unavailable to complete this review, and I had felt that passing this on to other reviewers would be too much for them, as they already have worked so diligently, and so I decided to just man up and take on this story. I was a bit weary and felt reluctant to be dragged into your story, but your title definitely left me interested. Your story however did not feature any horrific elements that I fear (which I am so glad for), and so I think you should mention this in your foreword. I'm pretty sure there are other readers out there who stay clear from any horrific stories and seeing the "horror" tag would probably turn them off. They may or may not see the notice in the foreword, but worth a try.
Story Layout: (2.5/5)
I like the layering of your story. It's what they do in books; leave a gap from the margin to the start of a paragraph. It's a more effective way to distinguish paragraphs rather than leaving a line.
With the flashbacks of the characters, they got me really confused while I was reading. Sometimes you'd forget to state whether the characters are having their memories and I would be reading and thinking "what the hell am I reading" (not in a bad way, just confused) and it takes me while to realise "oh, it's a flashback" and then I'd forget everything I read when the flashback started. Rather than saying "Past" or "Five years ago", leaving an extra line and italicising everything included in the flashback is a much more effective method. Italicising will alert readers that the flashback is still happening. Leaving an extra line will give a sort of warning, and will generally make the layout of the story look better.
This is a subjective neat-picky thing, but I don't like how there are "~" symbols when you state which character's perspective we will be reading through. Personally, I don't like it as most authors use it at the end of sentences to emphasise someone singing or something along those lines when really it's informal and shouldn't be seen in stories at all. I view it as something that belongs in the fluff category and I am pretty sure your story doesn't contain any fluff.
Plot: (22/30)
There are many stories out there where humans are stuck between life and death, and many have named those humans as "ghosts", and in this case, you have named them "Lostlings". It made me laugh when you explained the name in one of the chapters because it's such a simple and easy way to base it off the word "lost" yet it sounds so cool and suits the story. I can really tell that you've put a lot of thought into the plot and I'm impressed to see that you have come so far in the story just from a perk you've thought up of at 12 in the morning. I like the idea how you've brought CGPs into your story; that really steps up the game. I also like the idea of how everyone has wings and if they get torn or broken off they end up as a Lostling, however, I feel that you aren't promoting the idea of wings enough. It's a little hard to explain . . . but it's like if it's not about how to escape the torturous life of a Lostling, it's about memories of their past life and their last few moments. I feel that the idea of wings should have more light shone on . . . somehow.
As I mentioned before, you've turned so many characters into significant ones by narrating the story through everyone's perspective. You've managed to not confuse us all, but I think you should cut down some people. I get that you want to show everyone's past life and how they ended up being a Lostling, and that by putting "Lostling" in the title you should be explaining each and every one of them, but I think sooner in the story it will become too much for you to handle. You are coming to the last few people to explain their background stories, and I'm not sure exactly where you are headed in building the story. The way I see it, everyone just has to forgive themselves and bam, they've moved on from being a Lostling: they're free. I don't feel a coming and I hope you'll decide to explode it in our faces soon unless you want to make your fanfiction really long (and it will be a real pain to try and complete the story this way). I guess you're dragging the story from person to person just for the sake of lengthening the story? It's good to know everyone's past and all, but having Lay and Xiumin explain how to get out of this mysterious world, a part of me just loses interest in reading (even though the deaths of everyone keeps me on my toes). This is something to think about.
I'm not sure how other readers responded to the wham of death stories you are throwing in our faces, but I certainly enjoy reading them. No, wait let me explain. As much as I despise how each and every character had their wings torn off, they all died in the most gruesome ways, and only after reading Alice's horrible experience (the snuff film part), it just hit me that these things, whether people want to believe it or not, can happen and probably are happening and it's just proof of how disgusting our kind can be.
Alice's death totally shocked me. "Oh my god, it's happening again . . . no it can't be! How can this be happening to me twice?!" Man that just got me. Damn you.
I really like how everyone is connected to the other in some way or another, and I love the personalities of each individual character. You're starting to bring up Baekhyun's love for Alice and reviving Luhan's for Mei and if you're going to go more in depth into that, I think you should put up "romance" as one of the tags in your story.
There is one thing that I'm a little confused about, and that is how every Lostling acts freaked out when someone is reliving their past. Haven't they all seen each other go into the seizure procedure (OOOH RHYMES CAN I GET A COOKIE) and experienced themselves to label it as normal and be able to witness someone else endure it calmly? Or maybe it's just built into them to always freak out when it happens . . . Or I could just be missing out on something >.<.
Characterization: (2/10)
Here, I'm just going to be blunt.
All your characters are typical. You have rummaged up every personality that has been played around with in most stories, and what I am feeling towards your group of characters right now, is just a dull, neutral, almost boring feeling. I'll give an example of what I mean with Mei and Alice.
All your characters are typical. You have rummaged up every personality that has been played around with in most stories, and what I am feeling towards your group of characters right now, is just a dull, neutral, almost boring feeling. I'll give an example of what I mean with Mei and Alice.
Mei is the ideal, flaw-filled typical character that authors would customize their main character for their story. It's very relatable; acting weak-willed to each nerving situation, innocent and confused to foreign issues, pure and predicted reactions to surprising problems.
Alice has a really strong, badass personality. She's not afraid to stand up for herself, she's a spolit person who takes things for granted which most people do and she has the anger problem that most readers cheer on for.
While I was reading your story, I could almost predict how each character would react to each problem before I read the words myself. They aren't really original even though they are adapted to your plot.
But that's okay, all you have to do is work on developing your characters as you've only just gone past introducing them to us. Again this will prove to be a lot easier if there was a THE main character so that all the other characters can change according to THE main character's thoughts, feelings and decisions.
On the bright side, think of this problem as a talent. You've captured all the typical personalites out there and shoved them into one plot alone. It's amazing really.
Content Description (10/10)
I don't think you're lacking in this area; you've pretty much explained everything in detail and managed to not have your paragraphs overly-long. You've described thoughts, feelings and scenes effectively and I didn't feel confused with your description. I'll admit I am pretty impressed to see that you have described any combat scenes so well as not many authors are able to achieve that. Apparently when you throw two punches the enemy is already knocked out cold -.- . You've kept some aspects vague, such as how Kris seems to be the worst in reacting to everyone's seizure and that really pulls the reader along. With the horror bits, you've excellently told us bits and pieces without totally terrifying the reader (well at least me). I can't possible praise you any more for this category, or else I'd just be beating around the bush.
Flow: (5/5)
I've mentioned this before and I am seriously surprised that you have kept the flow so fluent with you switching the perspectives of the characters. Each memory smoothly flows into the next and each incident isn't rushed or too slow. You've effectively whirled all your readers around your finger as you excellently pick up the pace when it comes to the Lostlings' last few moments when they were alive and stumped us all when they stop breathing. The flow is perfect and I hope you can maintain this relaxed pace (obviously not so relaxed when it comes to the death scenes) as you progress further into the story.
I've mentioned this before and I am seriously surprised that you have kept the flow so fluent with you switching the perspectives of the characters. Each memory smoothly flows into the next and each incident isn't rushed or too slow. You've effectively whirled all your readers around your finger as you excellently pick up the pace when it comes to the Lostlings' last few moments when they were alive and stumped us all when they stop breathing. The flow is perfect and I hope you can maintain this relaxed pace (obviously not so relaxed when it comes to the death scenes) as you progress further into the story.
Grammar: (5/10)
I am almost satisfied with your grammar. The tenses are kept consistenly as past, the use of semi colons and hivens are effective, and after the first few chapters, there are almost no typographical errors. I can definitely see an improvement from when you first wrote the story, to now.
I am almost satisfied with your grammar. The tenses are kept consistenly as past, the use of semi colons and hivens are effective, and after the first few chapters, there are almost no typographical errors. I can definitely see an improvement from when you first wrote the story, to now.
I found numerous of mistakes in your first three, maybe also your fourth chapter, but I only noted down your errors from your first two. I'm pretty sure that after your fifth chapter your mistakes dropped down almost to none (besides the ones consistenly occuring).
The errors in your first two chapters are mostly typographical mistakes. I'm going to quote from your story in italics, cross out your errors and fix them up in bold. Sentences in brackets are any explanations to clear things up.
CHAPTER ONE
"WELL WELL DID HE?"
"Eventhough Even though the flowers were beautiful it reminded me of a funeral.
[You have repeated the mistake above another two times throughout this chapter.]
I was excited eventhough even though it was about another girl.
After I said ridiculous brain fart, Chanyeol busted bursted out laughing.
The wings' purpose is to stay with it's its human until the human dies.
So basically, if you had your innocence or life robbed from you, you basically end up here for a second chance.
[Obviously, you've used "basically" twice and it's unnecessary to use it in the same sentence. Although the first two words of the sentence turns your sentence colloquial, it does give a harder blow than the second "basically" and it still makes sense if you cross the second one out.]
They knew eachother each other as acquaintances in college.
CHAPTER TWO
Not now... just focus.. on what your you're going to do now.
[Here, your use of the trailing dots is grammatically incorrect but I'll explain that later on.]
"You are a lostling Lostling."
[Lostlings are the names of the dead people which prounounces it a pronoun. Always capitalise the first letter of a pronoun. From then on through the chapter, you need to fix this up.]
We all have our own deadlines, that's why Kris and I, who have had come first are still here and Tao, who have had come much later, is gone ."
When I left Iacidently accidentally left the door slightly ajar.
When I left I
["Slightly" is already in the definition of "ajar" and so it is unnecessary to have "slightly". It's like saying "she drank the wet water", but in a less funny way.]
"It is possible, it is possible, it is possible ."
[Missing full stop if you haven't caught on.]
I was too, kinda a little.
["Kinda" is informal and you should know now as Xiumin emphasises "gonna" should be "going" :P. However "kind of" is also informal so "a little" or anything else should do.]
He may be a little have a minor issue of OCD.
[Saying "a little OCD" is like saying "she may be a little anorexia" or "she may be a little stink (off stinky)". You are trying to enforce a noun onto an adjective, and that's just breaking the laws of English xD.]
That's all the errors I came across (may have missed some here and there) and the mistakes definitely lessened throughout the next few chapters. However some mistakes are occurent throughout your story and they are explained below.
First, is the collision tag-verb agreement which is proved to be very commonly made through many fanfictions. If you put a tag-verb (she asked, he wailed, they laughed) after a character's dialogue, then you must put a comma before the ending quotation mark and capitalise the first letter of the starting word. However, if you decide to switch a tag-verb for an action, such as punch, kick, glare, then simply replace the comma with a full stop before the ending quotation mark.
[Chapter Thirteen] "....I....have done some..y stuff", stuff," she laughed.
[Chapter Fourteen] "What did you do this time?" He he asked.
[Chapter Eighteen] "Why now of all times", times," I mumbled.
You hardly put an action sentence after someone's dialogue so I'm just going to make one up: "Bastard." Mei swung a punch at Sehun's jaw, wincing as she cracks her knuckles in the process.
As you can probably also see, you have ended all of your dialogues with the ending quotation mark first with a comma or full stop following after. This should only be used in flashbacks or anything to do with the past, not in the present.
Another thing I need to correct is your use of ellipsis (...). Three is the golden number and I have found out in actual novels, that they print ellipsis with a space in between each period. I use the spaces in my own stories and sometimes the ellipsis continue onto a new line which makes the layout of the story look weird but I really couldn't careless. In some novels, there are what looks like four periods used within an ellipsis when in fact the fourth period is really the full stop for when we end the sentence with an ellipsis.
Using an ellipsis is informal unless it used to skip a few lines when quoting something else. However ellipsis' are really effective in setting the pace and building onto the atmosphere, and it's not like you have to make your stories here on AFF top notch in formality, and I use ellipsis' in characters' throughts and speeches myself so I wouldn't ask you to edit all the ellipsis' out. Just remember that there are only three periods in an ellipsis and while I was running along your multiple periods, I found myself rushing through the sentence and the atmosphere dies down a little.
The last thing I want to mention, is something I found really peculiar, and that is how you would replace the apostrophe ( ' ) symol with . . . I have no idea what it's called (and I'd probably spend ages on Google trying to find the term) but it's the dash on the same key as the "~". I am referring to " ` ". Here are a few examples from Chapter Sixteen:
"Uminnie... I`m scared"
"It didn`t have to be in this way."
I wouldn't think most readers would notice this incorrect symbol but my eye catches it every time as I am a half Grammar Nazi, and the first time I noticed it was when you left a space like "wasn ` t" in some of your earlier chapters. It's also the reverse direction of the apostrophe so it does stand out to me. If you're not sure where the apostrophe key is, it's associated with the quotation marks (or should be). It looks like a comma but if you look carefully, it doesn't have that extra flick ( , ' ) LOL okay I probably just confused you.
Regarding to the two examples I provided, I'm just going to fix an error in the first example along with the incorrect apostrophe symbol:
"Uminnie... I`m scared I'm scared."
Taste of the Story: (10/10)
I definitely did enjoy this story. My doubt when I was about to read your story disappears as soon as I hit the second, or maybe it was the third chapter. Your story is really hooking with the blast of death stories and how each individual character suffers from their past. I think this is an amazing plot and if you manage to twist your characters into your own ones, then you story will definitely be a successful read.
I definitely did enjoy this story. My doubt when I was about to read your story disappears as soon as I hit the second, or maybe it was the third chapter. Your story is really hooking with the blast of death stories and how each individual character suffers from their past. I think this is an amazing plot and if you manage to twist your characters into your own ones, then you story will definitely be a successful read.
I went onto the comments' section to see what others thought about your story and was absolutely shocked to see the lack of comments. With an amazing storyline and the exceptional description and flow, you deserve a lot more support. From a few of your comments, you apparently were in a dilemma of whether to continue the story or not?
I haven't been in that situation before, nor have I experienced a writers' block, but I definitely have lost my motivation to continue writing the story numerous of times. A while back, I was reading a story that I was to review - which was a great read - and the author wrote in her last note dedicated to all authors out there: if you ever lack the motivation to write . . . JUST WRITE.
Me being unstable to continue long-term hobbies, finds it difficult to "JUST WRITE" and I have come in touch with an author who has written my favourite fanfiction here on AFF, and she told me that if I needed a break from the story, then take that damn break and to take my time with the story. I guess I have abided by the latter and so far, I haven't made much progress, but I guess it's always better to extend the hiatus and wait for the motivation to return - if it ever does - rather than to give your readers a chapter loaded with crap.
But I don't think you should delete your story because it really is an amazing read and it's packed with suspenseful ideas. You've also come really far; eighteen chapters is a big achievement and don't get thrown off to see all those featured stories with fifty chapters. The authors probably spent a lot of time and effort to progress through their story. My advice would be to take the hiatus when needed, even if it will cost you a year before you update that second chapter. But of course, you can follow the "JUST WRITE" way.
With my own story, I haven't updated my story in almost three months, and I'm losing subscribers at it is yet I still can't muster the motivation. However I found out that as I let out all my fangirl feels through one-shots (I have a thing where users who are a fan of BTS can request one-shots from me), my need to release plots out in the opening slowly disappears bit by bit and I am in the middle of editing my past errors of my main fanfiction. I think this will slowly build up to continuing the story again and I would highly suggest for you to give it a go if you think it's worth a try.
And maybe, if you think a heap of subscribers would push you on, try out some advertisement shops - I'll recommend some if you want. There are a lot out there where deals lean close to the edge of bluntly ripping authors off. There are a few though who offer better deals, and they are really rare.
I wish you luck in your motivation to continue your story, and don't feel the need to rush yourself or to write just for the sake of your readers. I'm actually quite glad I took up this story as it's a fanfiction where you'd be losing so much to miss out on.
P.S Sorry this is so long .-. . I think this is one of the longest reviews I've written, and half of the review I stayed up writing but I couldn't finish it off because I was so tired so I apologise if some bits sound a little off or broken.
TOTAL: (64.5/100)
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