the request.

AUTHOR » minhyunbin

STORY status » Completed

chapters reviewed » 1

genres » romance, drama, angst, a slice of life, love, multiple relationships, relationship discussions, cheating

description » They were the perfect couple. Grew up together, studied together, got together; for the longest time, both had thought that their path was laid down for forever...until things changed. Minhyun sought for someone to understand the lines he wrote under the moonlight, and Jonghyun just wanted company on lonely nights. Yet, as their hearts lay miles away from each other on a shared bed, neither could bring it up to move on. Because when you're in a relationship for 8 years, it's hard to walk away from the habits molded into you.  Yet, under the canvas of the universe, Minhyun's lyrics were picked up by melodies of a boy with a toothy smile. And in the deafening silence of the shared apartment, Jonghyun found someone who spoke the same language of his loneliness.  Above all, hearts, have a mind of their own.

" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."

" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "


 

title (3.5)

appeal » 1/2

correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1.5/1

The title screams an angst read and it has a strong correlation to the story, but it's very long. Unless you're very happy with it, I think a handful of readers would be greater intrigued by the title if you shortened it for a more effective pull. Reducing it to 'Hearts Were Meant To Be Broken' would make a difference, and in my opinion, would leave a succinct imprint on the reader.

Looking back on the title after visiting the story, I would prefer to see a perfect alignment to your one-shot. The title should precisely frame the story as its own and as it is. Personally, I see less clarity in hearts being meant to be broken, as the one-shot already starts in the broken stage of Jonghyun and Minhyun's relationship. My interpretation of the main message of the story was more to do with how a long-term relationship can seem to be the epitome of perfection in an outsider's eyes, however it can still be perceptible to the possibility of it not working out at all. Greater emphasis could be projected in the one-shot about the characters' heart and soul breaking, and also on the mending part, as 'so they can heal' didn't really hit home for me. Nevertheless, it's still a very suitable title for the story, so it all comes down to personal preference. If you're very happy with it, by all means, feel very free to leave it as it is.

    graphics (0)

APPEAL OF THE poster » 0/2

correlation to the story » 0/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1

Although it is only a one-shot, I do suggest grabbing a poster for your story. This would benefit the initial interest for the readers when they visit the front page and also give a cover that distinctly marks your story. It's completely fine to not have a poster for the read but evidently I can't award any marks here.

PLOT (30)

APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10

the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 10/10
 

There were a lot of interesting turns in the plot. On the surface, it's a very cliche plot, with two people stuck in a very long standing relationship and depiction of how the picture of perfection can start to break. The presentation was very effective, with the main focuses on Jonghyun and Minhyun's point of views, and occasional glimpses of Dongho and Aaron's insider thoughts and feelings. Towards the last half of the one-shot, I felt like you really shaped the storyline to be your own. As a reader, I was left guessing which way Jonghyun and Minhyun were going to go in their new resolutions about relationships. The variation in endings added dynamic to the piece, with Minhyun being very sure and eager in his new love, whereas Jonghyun needed time to process and rebuild. I think it ties in well with the way you've progressed each character's experience - Minhyun having spent a lot of time with Dongho already whereas Jonghyun was just starting to see Aron in a new light. The contrast in the two main characters' thoughts, feelings and circumstances is brilliant. It's also quite special to see their new partners so accepting of Jonghyun and Minhyun's decisions. It made the journey of registering the elements to your storyline very smooth and sensible. Development of the storyline took its time, which was quite suitable given the long-term relationship of eight years - it's hard to notice the little things that implicate big changes when you're too familiar with your surroundings. Evidently, there are plenty of themes to invoke contemplation by the readers, so there's definitely a qualitative substance to the fanfiction. Ultimately, the story progressed with a variety of events and didn't stay static in any one place, which makes me very happy as a reviewer. I rarely give out full marks for this section so I hope you're very proud of yourself. Very little issues found here, excellent work. 

flow (5)

suitability of the flow » 2/2

your control of the pace » 3/3
 

I think the flow was handled very nicely - it was controlled, smooth and seamless. There were no abrupt time jumps or scene changes that raised an eyebrow, and I think the pace complemented the mood of the one-shot appropriately. Given the short duration of a one-shot, there is a wider margin of error for the flow to be too fast-paced or too slow, but this wasn't a problem at all in Hearts Were Meant To Be Broken So They Can Heal. A very well done here.

    grammar (8)

punctuation » 4/4

spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 1/2

Across the board, I'm very happy with your grammar. I found occasional but relatively few mistakes, some I've picked out below but please note they're not all the errors I came across. Foundations in punctuation are solid so no issues there. The recurring mistakes I picked up had to do with spelling errors and tense collisions. With the latter issue, I'm not sure whether they are mere typographical errors or if you're confused with which tense to use at which times. Generally, you should stick to past tense (as you have chosen to use past tense) when you narrate scenes that play out. The only acceptable time you can use present tense in sentences, whilst narrating in the past tense, is when you refer to generalised habits or facts that can also be applied to the future. Otherwise, when you are describing how a scene is playing out, you are writing about the characters' present time whilst using past tense narration, therefore you should stick to past tense. Here's one example: 

He’s doing a pretty bad job at it, enough to make Minhyun walk over to help him with it, making sure the hoodie wasn’t rolled under the collars with how harsh he’s tugging at it.

He was doing a pretty bad job at it, enough to make Minhyun walk over to help him with it, making sure the hoodie wasn’t rolled under the collars with how harsh he was tugging at it.

This sentence relates to the Jonghyun and Minhyun's present time, therefore you should stick to past tense. In contrast, here's an example of a generalised habit about your characters, hence the allowance for present tense: 

But when things didn’t work out, they simply don’t.

But when things don't work out, they simply don’t.

Again, I'm not sure whether you're confused about when to use the tenses when narrating in past tense, as this mistake recurred the most, or if they're mere typos. Just let me know if you need further assistance. Regardless, typos were very heavy in your one-shot, so just keep a lookout on your edits. Some corrections are made below. Other than that, also very happy with this category so keep up the good work. 

There’s more yelps when one walked into the waist-high display shelf, and another upon trampled toes.

There're more yelps when one walked into the waist-high display shelf, and another upon trampled toes.

Over the years, nearly every new shirt, new tee, even new underpants was gifted by Minhyun to fill up the shared closet. 

Over the years, nearly every new shirt, new tee, even new underpants were gifted by Minhyun to fill up the shared closet. 

It didn’t take long for the other to realised, sheepish smile and awkward laughter filling the air as he took the wallet from his pale fingers.

It didn’t take long for the other to realise, sheepish smile and awkward laughter filling the air as he took the wallet from his pale fingers.

Jonghyun’s waiting, like he always does, standing at the entryway for Minhyun to follow up. He’s silent, probably confused, but he never rushed him.

Jonghyun was waiting, like he always does, standing at the entryway for Minhyun to follow up. He was silent, probably confused, but he never rushed him.

Love could norish a person at their weakest state, and it too could take the strength out of a healthy, living person.

Love could nourish a person at their weakest state, and it too could take the strength out of a healthy, living person.

Beyond the eight years of officially getting together, there was the years before that as friends, building blocks piling up into a high fortress wall guarding this relationship within.

Beyond the eight years of officially getting together, there were the years before that as friends, building blocks piling up into a high fortress wall guarding this relationship within.

When his husky grunts was harshly whispered into his ears, Minhyun could feel them burn, feel his whole body burn.

When his husky grunts were harshly whispered into his ears, Minhyun could feel them burn, feel his whole body burn.

Saw his unspoken temper as he seethe in absolute silence, lips pursed in a corner tearing lyric sheets into shreds to start over again.

Saw his unspoken temper as he seethed in absolute silence, lips pursed in a corner tearing lyric sheets into shreds to start over again.

The male doesn’t have an answer. He couldn’t tell if he still loved him, or he loved him in a different way. He couldn’t be sure if it’s just the jolts of pleasure convincing him that there’s still love underlying everything.

The male didn't have an answer. He couldn’t tell if he still loved him, or if he loved him in a different way. He couldn’t be sure if it was just the jolts of pleasure convincing him that there’s still love underlying everything.

Without Noah’s constant snoring or quick padding around the house, it was difficult to curl up and call asleep.

Without Noah’s constant snoring or quick padding around the house, it was difficult to curl up and fall asleep.

“Got some to share,” Aron said, picking up one quater of the sandwich as he artfully removed the sliced tomato within, putting it forth towards Jonghyun’s side.

“Got some to share,” Aron said, picking up one quarter of the sandwich as he artfully removed the sliced tomato within, putting it forth towards Jonghyun’s side.

Jonghyun turned towards Aron, nothing the way he sat in bed, pillow propped up behind his back with a tablet in hand. He’s wearing glasses, but with his messy tousled hair, Aron looked more like a university student than a working adult.

Jonghyun turned towards Aron, noting the way he sat in bed, pillow propped up behind his back with a tablet in hand. He was wearing glasses, but with his messy tousled hair, Aron looked more like a university student than a working adult.

There’s pure silence, one so heavy that Dongho thought he almost couldn’t breath.

There was pure silence, one so heavy that Dongho thought he almost couldn’t breathe.

But it felt way too out of place to do so, especially whe he’s standing beside his actual boyfriend.

But it felt way too out of place to do so, especially when he was standing beside his actual boyfriend.

Minhyun who never had too much of a concept when it comes to saving, splurging on things that jonghyun would view as a waste of money for their little amount of savings.

Minhyun who never had too much of a concept when it comes to saving, splurging on things that Jonghyun would view as a waste of money for their little amount of savings.

It was the lease he could do, because Jonghyun deserved it and so much more. And Minhyun’sapology...

It was the least he could do, because Jonghyun deserved it and so much more. And Minhyun’s apology...
 

    taste of story (8)

personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4

length of your story » 1/1

I found the one-shot to be a very pleasant read. It was interesting to see how the events would fan out given the long-term relationship Jonghyun shared with Minhyun. I particularly like how you kept diverging the two men's circumstances in their workplaces, attitude and honesty in their relationship, romantic interests, and the dynamic of their next relationship. I think it sends a strong message about how different people have individual values and change is an inevitable consequence of that. Off this, change means perfect situations won't stay perfect, and I'm a big-believer in that. I think you've made out this one-shot to be really realistic and relatable. For personal taste, there were perhaps a few too many typographic errors that I would prefer to see less of, and I'm more of a fan of heteroual pairings. Otherwise, I'm very impressed by the story and particularly its presentation. All the best with your future writings!

total score (89.5)

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