Thorned Roses Under The Moonlight Shade - 64
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!Thorned roses under the moonlight shade
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » parkyume
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 8
genres » BOYxBOY, Highly
description » Painter of the Night - YUNJAE Ver -- Lord YunHo is famous for his lust towards men. One day, he discovered that there's a portrait artist by the name of Kim Jaejoong, who might be able to capture him in 'actions' on one of his painting canvases.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
The title has a very sophisticated and complex pull to it. The specificity of 'thorned roses' and 'moonlight shade' creates a mysterious but promising story behind it. Despite the detail, it gives no confirmation about which genres would be pitched forward in the fic, which I find absolutely enticing. If I were scrolling through a list of fanfictions, I would definitely click into 'Thorned Roses Under the Moonlight Shade'. However, I can't see any correlation of the title to the storyline. This isn't a problem at this stage, as you are just starting out the fanfiction. I hope you will make the delivery of the relevance of the title as exciting as I expect you will, which I have no doubt in you as a writer.
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 0/1
Most of the images in your poster is very relevant to your story, although I don't think the picture of the flowers are roses, nor are they thorned, which I find a little funny. Nevertheless, I do recommend grabbing an official poster as it would clearly label the graphics not only as the fanfiction's, but also yours as the author of the story. This would include a clear presentation of the title in the graphics as well as a seamless collection of the relevant images, rather than a blocky compilation. Graphics are very accessible on this platform, and usually free of charge, so definitely give it some thought. A poster can reveal a lot of the story and its characters, and set the vibe of the read, whilst marking the narrative as the author's. It's definitely a lot more significant than most people realise.
description and foreword (4.5)
APPEAL of the description » 2/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 0.5/2
The Description and Foreword is very long. I'm guessing the content in Description is an extract from Painter of the Night and if it's the basis of inspiration for your fanfiction, it would be suitable to use it. I would recommend moving it to the Foreword, as I like to suggest using openings or extracts of the author's actual fanfiction in Description - simply because it is a description of the story. The Description is also one of the first components readers will set eyes on (following the title, story labels and graphics) and it is therefore crucially important to set the right first impression. References, such as an excerpt from Painter of the Night, and any additional information for the reader would most appropriately belong to Foreword. However, if you want to leave the structure as it is, that is also acceptable. I also want to make it a point that the extract would only resonate with the readers who came from Painter of the Night. As I personally did not, my first impression of the Description was that it was an extract from Thorned Roses Under the Moonlight Shade. So I was a bit confused and felt a little haphazard reading through your Description and Foreword until I got to your disclaimer and author's note at the end.
The extract from your fanfiction itself is very lengthy, however, acceptable. I would suggest shortening it to create a more impactful imprint on the reader. I think presenting only these sentences are just as effective as your whole extract:
Both men’s ragged breaths echoed through the wooden wall. Jaejoong’s weakened body lay down on the floor whilst a series of spasms came attacking his body after on a series of full shots. The beauty brunette was gasping for an air when the taller man leaned down and aimed at Jaejoong’s quivering lips and shamelessly invaded his inner mouth with his tongue.
“No more…mmmffhh…” Jaejoong turned away, only to be brought back to face the man that forced his way inside his mouth once again, biting and on the weakened man’s thick tongue.
“Obey me or your Seonsaengnim will suffer,” Lord YunHo warned in between forced kisses.
“Yes…My lord…Yes…” Jaejoong had no strength left as his consciousness slowly drifted into the darkened abyss.
“Good,” the sadistic lord muttered while a smirk formed inevitably across his face.
Sometimes, less is more, and in this case, you want to tease the reader with hinting at what the narrative is going to be about without giving too much away. Incite curiousity and excitement with no risk of boring the reader. Note also grammatical corrections I made in black and bold. Issues have been addressed below in Grammar but if you're still unsure, please let me know.
For clarity and clear presentation of this section, I would format your content this way:
Description:
- an excerpt of Thorned Roses Under the Moonlight Shade
Foreword:
- an excerpt of Painter of the Night
- mature content warning
- disclaimer
- list of main characters
- author's note
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Font, font sizes and most divisions are kept consistent. This gives a very clean and organised look to your chapters. Below are examples of some instances I came across where the spacing became single instead of the default double. Otherwise, very happy with it all.
Here are two extracts from Chapter 6 - Pt. I:
The woman who would sing lullabies for him to sleep…
And the same woman who, whenever it was raining, would embrace him all night long and save him from horrendous nightmares – like the one he was experiencing now…
The slightly vibrant and glowed up colours of their skin were highlighted to boast the intimacy level…
The droplets of sweat-like particle indistinctly emerged as the canvas swayed towards where the moonlight shone…
As well as this extract from Chapter 6 - Pt. II:
He wanted to erase the memories of that night with the lord…
He wanted to wipe away the twinging sensation of the lord’s touches that began to crawl underneath his skin…
Yet, the cold pads of the lord’s nimble fingers caressing his body still lingered…
It felt very much lucid after the lord managed to make his body remember what had happened…
PLOT (17)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 7/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 4/10
The plot seems to be very centred on the love triangle between Lord YunHo, Jaejoong and the Learned Sir Changmin. So far there's very little progression with it as you're focusing the most time and attention to the rated scenes. I don't really see this as an issue of such, as this seems to be the style you want to use to narrate the story. As a result of the excessive detail on , however, there lacks further substance to the plot. You've given us snippets of complications that may rise to be significant in the future, such as Jeonghan's growing hatred towards Jaejoong, and his backstory. As a reader, I appreciate reading into Jeonghan's history as it provides a lot of explanation towards his cruel actions. Other than that, the connection between the males involved in the love triangle appears to be a bit stagnant at this stage. If you haven't already planned where to take the drama, I'd say there are already plenty of scenes that set the groundwork of this fic and you should consider escalating romantic tensions to develop the storyline. Alternatively, if you wanted to only portray sodomy and oral as the main content in this story, rather than incorporating events that stir drama, then that's completely fine. It would just be a fanfiction with less of a narrative. As two-thirds of this category is marked from the effect of events and development of plot, I wouldn't be able to award any more points than I have already.
characterisation (5)
development of characters » 1/5
character influence on the story » 4/5
Similar to Plot, there's little development in this category. Again, not so much of an issue if you don't want to write much of a narrative in Thorned Roses Under the Moonlight Shade. I also acknowledge that your fic has just started. So far I can see the most change (albeit still not that much) in Lord YunHo's character due to his feelings towards his in-house painter. His feelings would obviously continue to change through more interactions and complications. Jaejoong's persona is quite stagnant. Ultimately he's a very vulnerable character with a weak resolve. I'd be eager to see whether this will change by the end of the fanfiction. The Learned Sir Changmin and Jeonghan are also valuable to consider progression in their roles, however, I would focus more time and effort into Lord YunHo and Jaejoong first, as they are the more prominent stars of the story.
content description (9)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 4/5
You have a very tasteful talent for description. I won't comment much on the scenes, as I'm not too experienced in reviewing this type of explicit content. However, I can see plenty of potential in your descriptions and encourage you to further cultivate and refine that skill. Really happy with this section. The only point I would bring up is perhaps toning down the amount of times you use italicisation to emphasise your message and ellipsis ( ... ) to suggest implications or leave readers to their imagination. Occasional use is very effective and impactful but using it excessively makes it the norm and it would result in little to no effect. I definitely suggest cutting out some of the uses in your chapters, especially the amount of times you've used the ellipses. Here's an extract from Chapter 6 - Pt. II where, evidently, you've used an ellipses to end almost every paragraph:
In the dream, Lord YunHo was lashing out his anger due to his in-house painter’s sudden escape from the Jung residence. The noble even threatened to harm his Learned Sir…
Jaejoong could still remember a brief glance of the handsome, yet sadistic sodomy lord shutting his eyes, red tongue the thin frame of his lips with uncontainable lust… The lord seemed to be so engrossed in embedding deep into his brain the most prominent and satisfying constriction that engulfed his enflamed raw. The young master’s disdainful snarls were audible and still ringing inside the painter’s head as the lord savoured every ethereal wonder of his body…
The youth could feel his knees wobbling and his stomach churning inside. Jaejoong didn’t realize that he was panicking as nausea climbed into his oesophagus. It felt like someone was drilling a hole in his innards, pulling them out and left the blood to dry under the scorching sun.
What did he do in his past life that was so unpardonable that Jaejoong had to suffer from this gut-wrenching torture of uncertainty and anxiety he wondered. These few weeks felt long since they were filled with insecurities as the painter feared of being caught by his sole master…
Jaejoong thought that it was time to reorganize his muddy thoughts and disperse away his unnecessary worries by nodding on the opportunity Aunt Juhee’s had offered. Who knew he might be able to find another noble to work for and get paid as decently. As long as he could put enough food on their table, he didn’t mind…
Alas, if only he was aware of the consequences of his choice beforehand, he would have opted differently…
Oh, Kim Jaejoong…
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
I think you have a very controlled pace of the story. Scene are weaved together very seamlessly, and there are no abrupt or out-of-place events. Attention is evidently allocated mostly to the scenes, which, given the nature of your storyline, I think is appropriate. I don't see any struggle with the flow and think you'll be able to maintain this. A well done in this category!
grammar (8)
punctuation » 3/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Across the board, I found very few grammatical errors, which I'm really happy with. Below are some errors I came across however, I'm confident you'll come across those mistakes yourself through another proof-read. The most recurring mistake is spelling error, so perhaps aim to be a little more immaculate with that. Really, really satisfied with your strong use of sophisticated vocabulary, and I support you continuing to incoroporate more advanced terms. I think it frames your style of writing. The only error I suspect you may not be aware of is the tag-verb collision. If you end a character's dialogue with description on how they speak (he screamed, he said, he yelled, she cried out), you should end the dialogue with a comma. Contrastly, if you follow-up the dialogue with an action sentence, you should use a period. I've noticed that you use a lot action sentences succeeding dialogue and use the correct punctuation with it. I've picked out some instances where the wrong punctuation was used, found below. Please let me know if you need further clarification!
Chapter 3
He would rather stay off Lord Yunho’s sight and not engaged in anything related to the master if unnecessary.
He would rather stay off Lord Yunho’s sight and not engage in anything related to the master if unnecessary.
He finally found the joy in his life which was; looking forward to learn something new every day and the fun was doubled when it was the Learned Sir Changmin who taught him to be more literate than he ever was before they met (even so, he still could not read well nor write that well…)
He finally found the joy in his life, which was looking forward to learn something new every day, and the fun was doubled when it was the Learned Sir Changmin who taught him to be more literate than he ever was before they met (even so, he still could not read well nor write that well…).
Both exchanged sudden glances of each other that it made Jaejoong feels even more uncomfortable.
Both exchanged sudden glances at each other making Jaejoong feel even more uncomfortable.
“Sir—I promise I will finish this up and have it done b—by tomorrow.” Jaejoong stuttered as he was so petrified that the lord of the house might see through him.
Poor fella—the fact that Jaejoong feeling aroused every time he observed his own master’s love-making session, has been found out by the lord all along. Lord YunHo had already known about it but he decided to let the lowborn exposed it to him himself.
“Sir—I promise I will finish this up and have it done b—by tomorrow,” Jaejoong stuttered as he was so petrified that the lord of the house might see through him.
Poor fella—the fact that Jaejoong felt aroused every time he observed his own master’s love-making session was known by the lord all along. Lord YunHo had already known about it but he decided to let the lowborn expose it to him himself.
Chapter 6 - Pt. III
There seemed to be a massive group of ually repressed, homoual men came to flood in Lord Hee’s brothels on that particular day.
There seemed to be a massive group of ually repressed, homoual men coming to flood in Lord Hee’s brothels on that particular day.
“It’s okay, Aunt Juhee. This would mean that you owe me your delicious beef broth when we get back.” Jaejoong said playfully while letting his aunt adorned him with a whole ravishing attire of hanbok which didn’t befit him.
“It’s okay, Aunt Juhee. This would mean that you owe me your delicious beef broth when we get back,” Jaejoong said playfully while letting his aunt adorned him with a whole ravishing attire of hanbok which didn’t befit him.
“Well, it’s Madam Han. Nobody would ever dare to decline her wish nor disagree with her.” Aunt Juhee caressed Jaejoong’s cheek with her eyes shone in kindness and love.
“Well, it’s Madam Han. Nobody would ever dare to decline her wish nor disagree with her.” Aunt Juhee caressed Jaejoong’s cheek with her eyes shining in kindness and love.
taste of story (5.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 4/4
length of your story » 0.5/1
Personally I'm not a fan of boy x boy pairings or , so unfortunately this read wasn't my cup of tea. As discussed in Plot, I'd be excited for more complications that drive the storyline, complications which have less to do with sodomy and oral . I was definitely a lot more engaged in the story when you left brief snippets of the world happening outside the lords' private chambers. However, if the is exactly what you want to write about, I would suggest no change at all. I'm just one opinion among your many readers. In areas where it was less M-rated, your descriptions left me enthralled, so I highly encourage honing in on that skill. Grammar and vocabulary was a really big influence too, and I'm really happy with it. I have to give half a mark for the length of your chapters - again, this is just a personal preference. Naturally I'm not a fan of all the scenes and they did drag on for quite a while (which I want to stress is completely suitable for the right readers!), plus the double spacing format of your chapters further elongated the read. Nonetheless, I can tell you're enjoying writing this story, so just continue what you're doing and I have no doubt your readers will be very rewarded. All the best with it!
total score (64)
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