Friday's Perfect
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Title (3/5)
I'm not too sure on what you're directing the readers to. It seems as a snippet from a conversation between the characters and at the same time, for me, it doesn't really suit the title area. A title should be a hint and yet it needs to fully describe the story as a whole. After going through the story, I understand why the title is choosen. It gives a hint that the two will take it all down on Friday. This story seems like a drabble for me so, the title describe the whole plot but I would insist more.
I would like to discuss more about the attractiveness of the title. True, shortly, it did fulfil the requirement of a story title but based on being able to capture the readers' attentions, it needs a little bit more work and magic. True, there are stories in AFF that are famous and have quite boring titles (but they depend on the magic) while some stories depend on the meaning. A title needs to be intriguing, to catch the readers' interests, to fulfil their thirst of knowing more. But Friday's Perfect doesn't give off the vibe of interest to me. You could work on a more suitable title for the story. The story could work with a title such as 'Catching Prey' or any other titles that you deem suitable and interesting. Remember, readers are only on things that are interesting and gold - they will only talk about the stories that are golden even from the cover of the book.
I would like to discuss more about the attractiveness of the title. True, shortly, it did fulfil the requirement of a story title but based on being able to capture the readers' attentions, it needs a little bit more work and magic. True, there are stories in AFF that are famous and have quite boring titles (but they depend on the magic) while some stories depend on the meaning. A title needs to be intriguing, to catch the readers' interests, to fulfil their thirst of knowing more. But Friday's Perfect doesn't give off the vibe of interest to me. You could work on a more suitable title for the story. The story could work with a title such as 'Catching Prey' or any other titles that you deem suitable and interesting. Remember, readers are only on things that are interesting and gold - they will only talk about the stories that are golden even from the cover of the book.
Graphics (2/5)
Truthfully, I'm not a designer but I still know what is beautiful, what is up to pair and what is not. When I think about Friday, I would think of street lights, crowd of people, the hustle and bustle at the road. And I would hear the thumping music, see neon lights, pub food and drink - that what Friday is all about. It is the last day of torment. The graphic should have shown the excitement of Friday, the adrenaline that rushes through both of the characters. There should be pictures of the city, skyscrappers and lights. But I do understand why the had choosen a nature looking background for your graphic. You wanted the graphic to suit the description, of letting the attraction to bloom. But I do hope that you also understand my view towards the story as a whole. Everything has to fit like a puzzle. Next, the characters are sinking into the graphic? There are just traces of them, not vivid and clear. Readers are usually turn off by such graphic because they're not sweet towards the eye. I suggest that you request for a poster at a very good graphic shop or thread to capture this story as a whole.
Description and Foreword: (4/10)
The description is awkward to me. In my inbox, the description is only: Both took the risk of letting attraction bloom into something more. That description that is in my inbox is the best, I guarantee you that. It works so well in catching the readers' attention and they will click to find out more about the attraction that blooms. I love that sentence so much. But in the real description, you mix the plot with a comical snippet and what seems innocent with the sentence that I love is gone. The description makes me think that they're about to do something very fishy which is very misleading for someone who hasn't read the actual story yet. Description is used to conquer the readers, to make them subscribe, hit the vote button and wait until you update the first chapter. That is the actual use of description. It should be intriguing, interesting, mind and heart capturing. It should not ruin the readers' fun and interest. I suggest that in the description, you should give out hints to the reader but not too much and not too less. You could just put the: Both took the risk of letting attraction bloom into something more and leave the description in that way. Reveal to the readers slowly about the actual of the story in the story and not in the description.
Furthermore, I would like to point out that the foreword can also be used to not only thank the readers and mention your dedication but to also pull the readers in even more. It could be a sentence or a paragraph but the rules of description are still applied here. Push every of your limits in creating an interesting foreword and description because they're the first things the readers read. Gamble on these two and then your story.
Furthermore, I would like to point out that the foreword can also be used to not only thank the readers and mention your dedication but to also pull the readers in even more. It could be a sentence or a paragraph but the rules of description are still applied here. Push every of your limits in creating an interesting foreword and description because they're the first things the readers read. Gamble on these two and then your story.
Story Layout: (1/5)
The story layout should be align to the left or justify because if the story layout is the center, the wordings look messy and unstable. Do check on other stories, and copy the way they make the story of their layout look neater. You could ask for layout for your story from coders if you're not too sure on creating a neat and beautiful looking story layout. Readers are looking for such neat layout because it doesn't disturb their reading and in fact, a neat layout will make the reading even much delightful to them. Next I would like to point out the font colour. I'm not claiming that colouring the font is wrong, and I think that the colour is beautiful and suits the whole story but you do have to remember that not every reader likes coloured fonts. They prefer a much more classic look, black coloured font. Do take it in mind that appearance is a very serious matter in attracting readers.
And for thoughts, it would be neater if you use: '...' rather than *...*
And for thoughts, it would be neater if you use: '...' rather than *...*
Plot: (25/30)
Your description actually makes me thinks weird things. Brief still intact, hang in there buddy - I thought that this story is leading to a potentially scene and eventually story plot. The description is very misleading which for a reader, it could count as comical and it is a very interesting variation from a sweet story. But some may not because they will be turned off at the description and are not able to actually see the potential in this story. I like the plot, it is very straightforward, clean and sweet. Your plot is not original, I have to admit but there's something intriguing in it and the sweetness is a delight. But I do prefer that the plot is told from the actual beginning, when and where they met, what happened and etc. I want to know of those things rather than the story straightforward telling me that they're taking it a step further. This story has a very stable core but there need to be more snippets of the actual plot. It is okay to tell the story from the start. Find the snippets of their story that you would like to tell and have in the chapter. Make them happen. If you're going for a sweet, romantic story, then expand their story into something sticky sweet. You have every paper or pages that you could write on. There is no such thing as boredom in progress unless it's about Jongin waking up, washing himself, then have breakfast and play with his puppies every single day - that is not a progress, that is repetition.
Characterization: (4/10)
Content Description (4/10)
In a nutshell for these two sections, I would like to talk in general regarding the characterization and content description. Due to the length of the paragraph and mostly conversations between the characters, there are hardly and characterization that I could pick and point out. Actions, characteristic is needed to show how alive the character is. Human are characterized not just only by their face, but also their emotions, their bad traits and good traits. People recognize twins from their voices, their attitude and the social skills. To make your characters alive, make them work some muscles!
Have them to walk, crawl, cry and get hurt. Make them hit their chests and feel the pain. Make them get stabbed, have them feel being sliced and cut through. I'm not saying that you need to kill them, no, but just make them take actions. If it seems hard for you, then imagine Jongin walking and talking with Kyungsoo in a shy manner. Do his cheeks redden? His eyes, are they forming into crescents when he smiles? Does he plays with his fingers? Kyungsoo on the other hand, does he looks over at Jongin's shoulder? Does Kyungsoo feels nervous to kiss Jongin? Write about these. Write about every actions you could possibly fit into your story and your characters are alive.
Flow: (5/5)
I think that the flow is just perfect the way it is. There is nothing needed to be changed and I find the flow very smooth. It isn't too fast paced to show that they're hitting it on or too slow to the point that I need to skip. It suits well as a stepping stone just as the story is telling the readers.
I think that the flow is just perfect the way it is. There is nothing needed to be changed and I find the flow very smooth. It isn't too fast paced to show that they're hitting it on or too slow to the point that I need to skip. It suits well as a stepping stone just as the story is telling the readers.
Grammar: (6/10)
I would like to point out a few grammar mistakes and that the ones I have found are the mixed up tenses and plural/singular forms. I do make them sometimes, whenever I'm writing but I encourage for you to edit them multiply times and reread through them carefully before uploading the oneshot but I'm not a picky reader and reviewer, in fact I was going through the whole story accordingly and didn't mind much about the tenses. These errors can be rid off if you did a few corrections towards the sentences. I do understand that English is not your first languange and so, please keep improving your English because this is a very small kind of mistake for even someone who is fluent.
I would like to point out a few grammar mistakes and that the ones I have found are the mixed up tenses and plural/singular forms. I do make them sometimes, whenever I'm writing but I encourage for you to edit them multiply times and reread through them carefully before uploading the oneshot but I'm not a picky reader and reviewer, in fact I was going through the whole story accordingly and didn't mind much about the tenses. These errors can be rid off if you did a few corrections towards the sentences. I do understand that English is not your first languange and so, please keep improving your English because this is a very small kind of mistake for even someone who is fluent.
Taste of the Story: (10/10)
As I have said before, I enjoy your story. It is light and soft and goes well for a good reading but do take in mind and put on actions in improving yourself in the areas that I have pointed out. You have a very great imagination and you know how to focus on one thing and move on to another. You also see the bigger picture in this story as I have seen and that is a good step to sharpen your skill as an author. Besides that, I love the ending - so write more. If you have any questions, please ask so that I could inform you further and I'm very sorry for the late review. Thank you!
As I have said before, I enjoy your story. It is light and soft and goes well for a good reading but do take in mind and put on actions in improving yourself in the areas that I have pointed out. You have a very great imagination and you know how to focus on one thing and move on to another. You also see the bigger picture in this story as I have seen and that is a good step to sharpen your skill as an author. Besides that, I love the ending - so write more. If you have any questions, please ask so that I could inform you further and I'm very sorry for the late review. Thank you!
TOTAL: (64/100)
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