I'm a Woman Too
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!i'm a woman too
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » BangMind
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed »11
genres » Drama, Romance
description » Taehyung agreed to a temporary marriage with his dad's friend's daughter, only knowing he would get his own apartment once the deal is over. His carefree mind was clearly not ready for the storms that would come entangling his fiancée's life nor how much he would play a part of it later on.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
On first glance the title is eye-catching as it demands attention. I think it would stand out in a list of fanfictions. It presents an intriguing front that would make the reader curious enough to know why the fanfiction is named as it is. Correlation is clear and very clever - I smiled when you revealed why you titled your story. Shows great strength in the connection to the storyline and this is really great to see. The only thing I would comment on is that perhaps more attention should have been given to the latter half of your storyline to promote more significance to the title. The concept of Minah standing up for herself by confronting her biological mother sends a moving message. As such, there is strong linkage to 'I'm a Woman Too' but Ms Kang's role only appeared in the ending chapters of the fic so it feels as if the title doesn't quite retain that cohesion to the other chapters. This is just a minor observation though.
graphics (3.5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 1.5/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
It's very relevant to see the wedding theme incorporated in the poster. You've included our two main characters so there's no confusion regarding who the narrative will be centred on. However, there are a lot of different colours and shades in your story's poster which give perhaps too much for the viewer to look at. I think you've used one too many background images, so the important features don't stand out enough like the title and the idol pictures. Greater attention should be brought to the title as it should be the first thing to spot in the graphics. It would be easier to spot with less things happening in the background but I would also suggest moving it to the middle of the poster so it creates a greater visual impact. I would also move the images of the characters up to where the current title is situated to make way for this title suggestion.There's also some sectioning happening, presenting a block-on-block atmosphere which I'm not sure is objectively appealing. I recommend taking away one or most of the background images so the title and characters can stand out, and the background becomes less distracting for the readers. In saying that, I think the bottom background photo is a nice connection to Minah's home but I don't think the footprints were a defining element in the story. This makes me question the significance of using it in the poster. Aesthetics-wise, yes, it's a cute touch, but due to its limited importance in the fic, it doesn't stand as a strong symbol. Story posters can come across effective when the important elements are featured. Up to you if you'd like to endorse these recommendations - no pressure.
description and foreword (6.5)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 1.5/2
The Description is quite brief, providing a simple introduction to the storyline to induce enough curiousity in the readers. My main issue would be the fact that the Description is set in Taehyung's perspective. The majority of the chapters and events that happen in the narrative concern mainly Minah. Because the Description is currently set in Taehyung's point of view, it creates an impression that the story will be centred around Taehyung meaning he would be the main narrator of the fic. This is not true. Therefore, I suggest switching the perspective of the Description to Minah's point of view. Implementing this change will affect my next point, but I do also want to bring up the ending line, being 'A.k.a, a story of a woman who gets hurt over things she did not cause and finds love from an arranged marriage amidst those pains', comes across quite abrupt as it's an instant switch to Minah's perspective. When I first read through your Description, I was fairly confused. We started off in Taehyung's perspective so why are we suddenly talking about a female character as if we should be in her shoes? Again, changing the perspective will solve this issue and give the ending line the right context.
Moving on, I like how you positioned the images of your main characters on the side, creating a blocky effect to your Description and Foreword in an appealing way. I will suggest though to move these images and the general information you supplied about your story down to the Foreword instead of having them in your Description, so the blurb of your fic can have the full attention in the Description section. Further down, the sneak peek you reveal in the Foreword is a nice touch and I think it's an effective one to further drive how the story of Minah and Taehyung starts. As a minor suggestion, I recommend ending the sneak peek with something a little more impactful to give the readers that final push to start the story. Currently you end it on 'He knew that he signed up for this willingly because his parents offered to help him with his own apartment once things settled'. This is fine, but I think a stronger statement has potential to lock in any viewers who may be unsure of whether they want to start the story or not. Something like 'And so Taehyung meets Minah' or 'All he has to do is wait for his partner-to-be to be in a real relationship'. In other words, adding an extra 'oomph' to seal in engagement and give viewers that final push to start reading.
story layout (3.5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1.5/2
The font style and the size of the font are consistent throughout the chapters. I didn't find any slip-ups with the font so great work in this regard. It's also cool to see the labelling of your chapters with the match to the title. I think it's neat you managed to fit your story's content in eleven chapters according to the letters of your title. Shows that you had planned out the length of your fic really well.
Divisions, however, need to be brushed up. Since your current spacing is rather tight, I recommend widening the divisions you use to separate different scenes. At the moment, your use of one-extra line doesn't create an obvious enough division, so it just looks like you entered one too many lines. Adding another or a couple more lines will make the distinction of scenes clearer. This decreases any confusion your readers may come across and also have your chapters appear less congested. Alternatively, you can insert a divider by using an image, icon/s, a simple hyphen (-), or asterisks (***). This may even add to the appeal of your chapter layout. Moreover, there are some instances where your spatial divisions are one-line too big, giving an inconsistent effect which is something we don't want to see. This happened a lot in the second half of your fanfiction. An example is the first and last division in Chapter 5 - A HARSH TRUTH. Always aim to stay consistent with your dividers so your chapters can maintain a neat layout.
PLOT (28)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 9/10
the effect of events » 9/10
development of plot » 10/10
The first few chapters started out with a simple storyline, where Taehyung and Minah enter an amicable arranged marriage for the benefit of themselves. It provided a good foundation for the story to start off with and was appropriately advertised in your Description and Foreword, so there are no misleading elements that may cause confusion. Though not a very original plot, there was enough curiousity invoked to keep the readers engaged through the introduction of Taeyhyung and Minah's civil relationship, without much mention to romantic attractions. It gets the audience questioning when that would change as we would commonly expect the two to get together. Events started picking up towards the last half of your fic which enhanced the storyline, so it didn't remain stagnant at what would seem a simple and cliche plot. The addition of Minah's biological mum's schemes definitely ramped up the pace and intensity of the story. The complexity of her manipulation likely required a lot of planning and I think you presented it exceptionally well. Given the vast range of both Minah's biological parents' schemes, it's impressive to see how you linked it all together. When situations were first revealed, it did seem overwhelming at first but you did a great job with tying most loose ends together to make it an event-filled story. In effect, there was constant development with the storyline which is absolutely great to see. I think you've presented the plot in an exemplary manner with eventful situations constantly happening to Minah, and occasionally Taehyung, to move the narrative along.
The only potential slip up I picked up on is how you ended Chapter 8 - AN UGLY FAMILY (1) with Minah connecting the dots to who the identity of her biological father is and phoning the loan shark. Here, it's clear she knows the loan shark is her biological father. But later in the story when she meets him in person after graduation, you write that her biological father doesn't know that she knows him already. Maybe I am misreading the characters. This is the only issue. Other than this, excellent work with the presentation and planning of the plot. I'm very impressed.
characterisation (7)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 4/5
The character of Minah went through extraordinary development, significantly induced by the various events that happen to her. Clearly presented in the storyline, her view and identity in life was turned upside down with her history catching up to her, one that she did not know about. She was forced to become inquisitive and cautious of the people around her. As menitoned above, the part where she stands up for herself and states 'I'm a woman too' sends a powerful message to the readers as to what this story about, and shows she is becoming a confident person on her own. This is a transformative element to her character and ticks all the boxes in ensuring she develops in the narrative and poses as an engaging narrator. Her character was simple and ordinary at the start, but through change, she becomes endearing and captivating. Very happy with your work on Minah.
Taehyung also shows some signs of development though not as much as Minah. This is not as concerning as the story is centred heavily around Minah, though we are led to believe Taehyung has a major role in the initial chapters. Looking back, Taehyung's development centred mainly around his affection for Minah and so it seems quite miniscule compared to all that Minah has to go through. Again, I reiterate this is not much of an issue considering most of the events happen to Minah, but I'm under the impression that Taehyung is also the main character of the fic. The lack of attention on him towards the end of the story compromised some of his capacity to develop. Something for you to think about.
In terms of character influence on the story, Minah retains most of the power with her actions and thoughts turning the story in different directions. It would have been interesting to see Taehyung play a bigger role and interfere with the occurences that Minah is confronted with, to see what sort of impact he may have brought onto the story. I thought Minah's biological parents directed the story for the better half of it, with their individual scheming running the course of Minah's history and future. Excellent work in this regard.
content description (5)
quantity » 3/5
quality » 2/5
This is a category that you can focus on to enhance the quality of your writing. Content description can be really important as it constitutes your narrative tone and can be a major factor in establishing a reader's enjoyment of the composition. There are a couple of things I noticed that more time and writing practice will eventually refine. I've discussed some in detail below. Please let me know if you need further clarification on anything.
Firstly, a lot of description was missing that would have otherwise effectively set the setting of the story. Describing locations is important so the readers can be eased smoothly into your story's world. Identifying the locations you use in your fic allows the reader to picture out the scene as they read along. Never assume the readers know what you are referring to without elaboration. You started out nicely with great imagery of Minah's residence when Taehyung and his parents first visited, but content description was absent after that. What did both weddings look like? Wedding venues are big and provide bountiful opportunities for description. What does the interior of Minah's home look like? Yoongi's too, for when Taehyung visited. It's easy to forget to include description of locations used in the narrative but this is paramount so the readers stay on the same page as new scenes are introduced. Likewise, description of characters are equally important. When writing fanfictions in particular, it's extremely easy to forget the necessity of introducing the appearance of idols since we would already know what these characters look like. However, it's important to depict the appearance of your characters so the readers can follow along as situations happen. Describe facial appearances, clothing, bodily gestures. The first two in particular are lacking regarding Minah and Taehyung. Every little detail sets the scene, and quite frequently, readers become fans of stories because of the quality of content description. Everything counts. An example of why description of characters is important is when you listed out Taehyung's friends in the first chapter all in one go. Note I say listed. We actually want these characters introduced. What do his friends look like; do they differ in appearance? Do they dress the same? Are their personalities different? What is the value of their friendship to Taehyung, is it a group friendship or does Taehyung have individual connections with each friend? The impression given by merely listing characters without elaboration make their introduction seem very abrupt. When I read the chapter I felt like their names came out of nowhere. If you don't want to lend too much attention to these side characters, consider not including them in the fic. Listing them out as you currently have makes them linger in the back of readers' mind. It will either be useful if you give more significance to these friends, or act as a vague distraction if you don't.
Across the board, you a good knack for varying short sentences with longer ones which create an engaging reading effect. You also have a great eye for starting new lines to induce greater emphasis on certain ideas or scenes. However, there are some instances where you overdo it to the point where it loses this impact, and we don't want our writing style to become ineffective. As a rule of thumb, you should constantly keep sentences in paragraphs and only start the next one if a new idea, action, character dialogue or scene occurs. Generally you're quite good with this but occasionally I think you slip up and spam that Enter key. To illustrate what I mean, below is a short extract from Chapter 5 - A HARSH TRUTH:
"I'm never good with taking care of vegetables. And it takes a great amount of time and agricultural skills to do that, which I sadly don't have. He used to give the plentiful extras we harvested but couldn't consume to the neighbours and friends. But since he's not around anymore, I'll just clean up the garden”. It was her excuse for the negligence of attending the garden.
Everything seemed to make sense, if not for how Minah had turned out to appear lately.
She lost a lot of weight (she never had any to begin with), her eye bags were always there, her face pale all the time, her eyes lacked spirits and full of sleepiness and exhaustion.
Taehyung was all for her letting go of her father, not for her torturing herself physically (and possibly mentally as well).
He had decided to step in and let Minah know what an unhealthy lifestyle she was living in.
I picked out this one as an example where each individual line correlates to the same topic, which is how Minah is coping with the aftermath of her father's passing. Note that the lines before this extract also have a lot of stand-alone sentences. I didn't include those ones as I thought they were an impactful way of varying the truncated sentences with the longer ones. Continuing to do this however, makes the shorter sentences lose their effect to the extent where it is better to not separate the sentences and instead keep them in a paragraph. Here's my suggested edit:
"I'm never good with taking care of vegetables. And it takes a great amount of time and agricultural skills to do that, which I sadly don't have. He used to give the plentiful extras we harvested but couldn't consume to the neighbours and friends. But since he's not around anymore, I'll just clean up the garden”. It was her excuse for the negligence of attending the garden.
Everything seemed to make sense, if not for how Minah had turned out to appear lately. She lost a lot of weight (she never had any to begin with), her eye bags were always there, her face pale all the time, her eyes lacked spirits and full of sleepiness and exhaustion.
Taehyung was all for her letting go of her father, not for her torturing herself physically (and possibly mentally as well). He had decided to step in and let Minah know what an unhealthy lifestyle she was living in.
A subtle edit but it can create a drastic change in the long run. Here's another example from Chapter 8 - AN UGLY FAMILY (1) where there is excessive use of stand-alone sentences to the extent that its impact becomes ineffective:
He refused to think he liked Minah as a woman.
But he missed living under the same roof with Minah.
That he couldn't deny.
He texted Minah saying he was to come back and ask her clearly what her kiss meant, before he could decide what to do with it.
But he was late.
His plan was ruined.
He couldn't return to her house anymore. She was getting married to a person that ironically, he wanted her to marry in the first place.
His original plan was successful. He was getting a new apartment as per his parents' promise.
But it was weird. He was supposed to feel happy but he was not.
Think of it as each new line/paragraph making the reader take a big breath in. By overdoing new lines, you are making the reader inhale excessively in a short period of time. This negatively affects the reading flow. In these cases, it is very ideal to utilise paragraphs. If you are planning to edit your chapters again with this point in mind, I recommend choosing to keep sentences combined in paragraphs, if you find yourself in doubt. This will ensure stand-alone sentences that you do want to keep can retain that impactful effect.
The final issue I want to bring up is greater incorporation of showing instead of telling. There are some great examples across your chapters already, but I encourage more use of it. There is currently more telling of how a character reacts and feels instead of showing. As you work on this, you'll find by showing reactions and emotions, you'll boost the quantity of content description, which as discussed above is currently lacking. Below are some extracts from Chapter 8 - AN UGLY FAMILY (1) where you told the scene without visual description:
It was a lot bigger than the place they held their fake wedding. Taehyung thought he would keep feeling envious of the entire event, but he felt anxious as he found out from listening from the guests that the groom's father was a CEO of a rising company.
Here, you introduce Minah and Seungyoon's wedding. This is where a good opportunity to provide heaps of visual imagery arises. However, all we get is that it's a 'bigger' event than Minah and Taehyung's wedding. This doesn't supply any visual content - every reader is imagining their own take of the wedding and then expanding this setting in their mind. Help us out. Was this wedding more traditional than the previous one? What colour schemes did Minah and Seungyoon go for - was it same or similar to the one Taehyung shared with her? Lots of content can go in this brief paragraph to aid the readers with staying on the same page as the story. Similarly in that same chapter:
She looked stunning with nice make-up and a beautiful wedding dress.
An opportunity to describe Minah's facial features and 'beautiful' dress comes and goes. Describing her wedding dress in particular would set her apart from every other wedding dress we've read on paper or seen on screen. Description would reveal her style in clothing which in turn, helps the reader relate or connect to Minah as a character. This section also provides oppportunity to show us how Minah's appearance makes Taehyung feel. Did she take his breath away, stop him in his tracks, make his heart stop beating, make his heart beat faster? Attention to this detail would also push the audience in empathising for Taehyung - he is watching the girl of his dreams be married off to someone else, and she was technically his before. How does seeing her in what should be the most perfect presentation of Minah make him feel?
Contrastly, here is an example from Chapter 6 - A CHASTE KISS where there is imagery supplied to the audience:
Minah just stared at him, speechless. She felt a rush of heat creeping up her cheeks. Her heart started to beat faster and harder till the point she was afraid Taehyung could hear it.
Instead of simply saying 'Minah became nervous', you described the way she felt using bodily functions. This is super great to see and I definitely encourage more practice with it. Let me know if you need any further help with this.
As a relatively minor issue, I noticed you neglected narrating through Taehyung's point of view as the storyline started picking up with Minah's side of the story. Since it concerns less with Taehyung, this makes sense, but then what is the value of using Taehyung's perspective in the first place? As your story is already done and dusted, I don't think it's absolutely important for you to go back and review it, but just keep in mind the value of using multiple perspectives when you know which character is going to be your main one. On the point of character perspectives though, you did a splendid job with sticking to the character you were narrating through and making sure you don't reveal the thoughts and feelings of other characters. This retains consistency when flipping through more than one narrator's point of view.
All in all, there are a few things you can work on to boost the quality of your writing. Content description highly relates to the presentation of the plot, which the storyline itself contains great elements, but there are many ways to portray it in an effect manner. This can make or break a reader's experience. As you have finished your story, it's not a must to revisit and try to integrate more description, but I would definitely recommend keeping this point in mind for your future writings.
flow (4.5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 2.5/3
There weren't any particular scenes I felt were rushed or too slow, however, some scenes ran really short to the point where I question the value of their inclusion. An example can be found in Chapter 3 - A PRECEDENTED LOSS:
"That's troublesome." Seungyoon commented as he was talking on the phone. "Even with you as the CEO, I don't think they'll disapprove of the deal. I'll get to the company as soon as I can. Probably in thirty minutes."
"Okay, see you later, dad." Seungyoon continued after a few seconds of hearing whatever was spoken to him from the other line and hung up.
Extremely brief scenes can be effective in creating suspense to amp up the reading entertainment, but when not enough substance is included without reason, it can appear as an interruption to the reading flow. If you don't define the value of sneak peeks, what is the point of including it? In this example, I know you are dropping a hint about Seungyoon's identity in the story, but compared to the rest of your chapter, it comes across really abrupt as it's so short. Adding more content to this revelation would assist in making it seem like it was inserted meaningfully and artfully, and not just thrown in there because you wanted or had to. Dropping quick hints to the audience is fine but you need to make sure it doesn't compromise the reading flow as we want to keep the chapters seamless. Other than this, the rest of your chapters were fine.
grammar (7.5)
punctuation » 2/4
spelling » 1.5/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
They are very few spelling mistakes which I'm happy with and the same goes for your consistent use of past tense. Use of vocabulary is very basic at the moment so I encourage you to incorporate more sophisticated language. New and advanced terms can keep the read fresh and narrative tone engaging. A good method of enhancing vocabluary is googling synonyms. You can learn new terms this way. I also spot some instances where you vary the term 'said' which is great to see and I encourage you to keep practising. Always be weary of how many times you write 'said' and try not to overuse it if you can help it. One thing to keep in mind is making sure you don't use any one variation consecutively. There are many synonyms to use, including 'comment', 'gasp', 'yell', 'whisper', 'murmur', etc.
Punctuation is the main point of concern. This biggest issue is the tag-verb collision, a common mistake of habit for authors. If you end a dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation marks ( " ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation marks. As your story is already completed, it's up to you whether you want to brush through your chapters to make these corrections or merely keep in mind for future stories. Examples are extracted and corrected below, along with other occasional mistakes. Note that these aren't all the mistakes I came across:
Chapter 5 - A HARSH TRUTH
After Seungyoon had told that he did not intent to date Minah, and after Minah told him the other day...
After Seungyoon had told that he did not intend to date Minah, and after Minah told him the other day...
"I don't think that'll work, noona." Taehyung shook his head firmly, "How about you borrow some from your friends? You can borrow from me, my friends and my parents as well."
"I don't think that'll work, noona." Taehyung shook his head firmly. "How about you borrow some from your friends? You can borrow from me, my friends and my parents as well."
"No." Minah immediately said, avoiding Taehyung's gaze. "Anything but this house."
"No," Minah immediately said, avoiding Taehyung's gaze. "Anything but this house."
"This is our home, Tae." Minah said, and Taehyung knew clearly what she meant by 'our', "Our memories are all here. It's the only thing that connects me and dad in this world."
"This is our home, Tae," Minah said, and Taehyung knew clearly what she meant by 'our'. "Our memories are all here. It's the only thing that connects me and dad in this world."
"Don't be delusional. You are not losing anything when you sell off this house." He said, putting his hand on Minah's again.
"Don't be delusional. You are not losing anything when you sell off this house," he said, putting his hand on Minah's again.
Chapter 6 - A CHASTE KISS
She talked to Seokjin from Taehyung's phone with speakers on, and she found a little more information that she originally wanted.
She talked to Seokjin from Taehyung's phone with speakers on, and she found a little more information than she originally wanted.
"You look really silly right now, noona." Taehyung said, but he still chuckled at Minah's persistent smile on her face. "Seriously, what makes you so happy these days?"
"You look really silly right now, noona," Taehyung said, but he still chuckled at Minah's persistent smile on her face. "Seriously, what makes you so happy these days?"
"I saw that." She stated, like catching Minah in the middle of a sneaky act.
"I saw that," she stated, like catching Minah in the middle of a sneaky act.
"As if. I've never observed any pair of friends acting affectionate like that and not having feelings for each other." She sang.
"Well, then you just saw one." Minah scoffed and shook her head, paying no mind to her friend's words. It never crossed her mind that she and Taehyung would be anything beyond good friends.
"Okay. Okay. I got it." Sojin mused, "You don't realize just yet."
"As if. I've never observed any pair of friends acting affectionate like that and not having feelings for each other," she sang.
"Well, then you just saw one," Minah scoffed and shook her head, paying no mind to her friend's words. It never crossed her mind that she and Taehyung would be anything beyond good friends.
"Okay. Okay. I got it," Sojin mused. "You don't realize just yet."
"I'll keep trying. Don't worry too much about it, Tae." Minah said, taking his joke a little too seriously to Taehyung's expectation.
"I'll keep trying. Don't worry too much about it, Tae," Minah said, taking his joke a little too seriously than Taehyung's expectation.
Chapter 7 - A HASTY RESOLUTION
"It's a matter of time Seungyoon would have to tell you, you are his friend after all." Mrs. Kang continued.
"Yes, ma'am. It's truly unfortunate. I'm so sorry." Minah responded, sending the older woman a sorrowful gaze.
"I guess he got it from his biological mom." Mrs. Kang voiced out, nodding at Minah's incredulous reaction to the sudden revelation. "She passed away when he was in elementary school due to a related chronic disease."
"It's a matter of time Seungyoon would have to tell you, you are his friend after all," Mrs. Kang continued.
"Yes, ma'am. It's truly unfortunate. I'm so sorry," Minah responded, sending the older woman a sorrowful gaze.
"I guess he got it from his biological mom," Mrs. Kang voiced out, nodding at Minah's incredulous reaction to the sudden revelation. "She passed away when he was in elementary school due to a related chronic disease."
Hopefully the tag-verb collision mistakes are clear now. Let me know if you need any more clarification.
Chapter 8 - AN UGLY FAMILY (1)
All he did afterwards was anticipating a little meet up with Minah and thankfully, he didn't have to wait long as his phone buzzed a text message from Minah to meet her at a secluded place near the main wedding hall once Minah and Seungyoon had gone over every guest table there was.
All he did afterwards was anticipate a little meet up with Minah and thankfully, he didn't have to wait long as his phone buzzed a text message from Minah to meet her at a secluded place near the main wedding hall once Minah and Seungyoon had gone over to every guest table there was.
"Surely." Minah looked obviously confused but her quick reply made him strangely satisfied.
"Sure." Minah looked obviously confused but her quick reply made him strangely satisfied.
Chapter 10 - AN UGLY FAMILY (3)
Taehyung asked gently at last once he broke off the hug, much to Minah's displease.
Taehyung asked gently at last once he broke off the hug, much to Minah's displeasure.
taste of story (6.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 3/5
influence of flow and grammar » 2.5/4
length of your story » 1/1
Personally, I think your story has potential to become a really interesting read but the letdowns for me were the lack of visual description and the occasional grammar mistakes. What I found most interesting about I'm a Woman Too were the constant complications you introduced past the arranged marriage and living situation between Minah and Taehyung, which you brought together really well in the end. I also appealed to the friendship Minah and Taehyung shared before things started to change for them beyond the platonic zone. I found it sweet that it wasn't an immediate attraction but an eventual one, founded upon time together and progressive realisation. Overall presentation of the plot could have been enhanced however, with improvement in the quality and quantity of story description. I am very big on that. The frequent grammatical mistakes also impacted my reading experience, though this is also a very subjective taste of mine. It's very likely your readers aren't as harsh as I am. As discussed above, I found the flow generally fine but it did have a rushed effect, though this is more relevant to the quantity of description. In all, I'm quite impressed with your work and encourage you to keep writing and refining your storytelling. Let me know if there's anything else you'd like me to address. All the best with your future writings!
total score (77)
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