Equidistant
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equidistant
it was decades since the war occured, but the horrific past was still haunting them.
years passed after slavery was considered a crime, and yet discrimination was still apparent.
everything that happened was long forgotten, but a mistake brought it all back.
he had his tomorrow mapped out, and what needed to be done shall be done.
reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
years passed after slavery was considered a crime, and yet discrimination was still apparent.
everything that happened was long forgotten, but a mistake brought it all back.
he had his tomorrow mapped out, and what needed to be done shall be done.
reviewed by: exoexoexolellel
Title (3/5)
One word titles are a pull in for some readers, and to me they stand out compared to long titles. Especially with the fact that the word itself, 'equidistant', isn't seen or spoken commonly, therefore it creates a mysterious feeling. I read in one of your author's note that you were contemplating whether or not to change the title because of what your brother suggested; one of your story tags read 'angst' so isn't it sensible for the title to occupy a deep feeling? It'd also cause an inconvenience to change the title as you would need to acquire a new story poster and all that jazz. It's far too early to figure out how the symbolism of 'Equidistant' will appear through your storyline but I'm sure you will reveal it to your readers in a very impactful way.
It's not bad that you request a review for a story while it's still developing its plot, but because I cannot see any relevance between the title and story, three marks is the highest you can achieve at this stage; please don't take this to heart.
Graphics (3/5)
Tossing between the varius artworks aye?
It's very appealing to the eye, with the strong hue-contrast of the female lead opposing Lu Han and the background of the poster. I tend to be extremely picky when it comes to graphics as I believe every little thing in the poster should hold some importance to the story.
Keeping this in mind, I know exactly where the picture of Lu Han comes from, and at this point in the story, his turned back with the baggage in hand is ridiculously amusing to me, as well as completely futile. But who knows, maybe you can weave in a baggage later in the story.
With Anaea, her hair colour in some way can be argued as a dull red though I would nevertheless call it brown, and her eyes should be red. That particular image perfectly hides her expression which indeed is a trait Anaea possesses, so that is something I approve of.
The clouds merged in the background makes it extremely difficult to see the other picture the background is based on, but as I stare at it hard, I can make out the reflected image of buildings, but none of upright ones, which I interpret that readers will see more of Regnum in the story than Earth.
Placing the quote at the bottom makes it stand out, which is great to see. I can begin guessing the meaning behind the quote from the information from the prelude, but I hope that readers will know instantly if you finish your story.
I'm not sure why 'equidistant' is split into three parts, but the enlargement of 'equi' does seem to tell me that equality will be a major theme in your story.
Description and Foreword: (9/10)
I am loving the layout of your description and foreword. Putting the quotes in grey makes it very distinctive. Your introduction to the fanfiction is beatifully put in words, and the breaks between sentences make it very dramatic. It looks very immaculate and presentable with the alignment set to the center.
The invitation in italics immediately switches the perspective of the description, and involving readers really spurs on their interest to read your story. You really pulled it off with the red quotes.
When playing around with the genre of Fantasy, a story will never be a successful read if the setting and environment around the characters are not explained clearly, and not understood by the readers. In a case of writing a novel, this would be the first obstacle for authors. However, AsianFanFics offers extrememly laid-back functions for us to use, ie, the endless space in the foreword and description, when such luxury cannot be found in books. Describing the setting of 'Equidistant' in the foreword is such a cheat way to do it but lmao who cares it's AFF, and it saves you some effort when writing chapters. On the description of the setting itself, I personally think you've explained it (almost) spot on, pointing out all the paramount details of the two worlds.
The reason why I chucked in the 'almost' before 'spot on', is because of something I picked up while I was analysing your foreword. This means that on a first run-over of your foreword (and deprived of the knowledge provided from your chapters), I would not have been able to pick up this mistake, and that only going back over your story in a reviewer's state was I able to pinpoint this, which also means that it is not necessary to use corrections I provide in this review, as every word you read will be my opinion, and I switch between objective and subjective views frequently.
You wrote:
"The other world is beside yet parallel in alignment to our world."
Here, your use of "our world" refers to Earth. This implies that us readers are not Ares, but humans. Albeit, you put us in the character of Anaea, an Ares. In this case, explaining your idea to us in the perspective of Regnum's world would be complex for readers to digest, so I advise you to switch to third person.
The worlds are beside yet parallel to each other (, perfectly aligned).
I'd also like to correct you on "Milkyway", as it should be 'Milky Way'.
The hyperlink from "click me if you still don't get it" was the bomb. I got the gist of the Regnum-Earth idea, but had no idea how to picture it. The Term Book is quite useful, I was definitely using it as I read your story, so I have no idea why it has such less views, but time will tell. It's a tad irritable that you have multiple indents for the definitions as the terms aren't placed in alphabetical order, making it hard to find a specific word.
The hyperlink from "click me if you still don't get it" was the bomb. I got the gist of the Regnum-Earth idea, but had no idea how to picture it. The Term Book is quite useful, I was definitely using it as I read your story, so I have no idea why it has such less views, but time will tell. It's a tad irritable that you have multiple indents for the definitions as the terms aren't placed in alphabetical order, making it hard to find a specific word.
The images of the characters are intricate, and the function of hovering for words is always a nice aspect to intrigue readers.
Story Layout: (3/5)
It is unnecessary to leave wide gaps in between paragraphs. When starting a new line, only one tap of 'Enter' is fine. Such large divisions should only be used upon announcing a change in scene (do not mistake this for a new idea), or perspective.
I am liking the "Luhan - his bedroom (8:24)" announcements, I find it quite neat.
Overall everything is okay except for the wide divisions between paragraphs.
Overall everything is okay except for the wide divisions between paragraphs.
Plot: (20/30)
This is, I think, the first fanfic I've read that revolves around the theme of Equality, especially between two species, so you've definitely won me over. Though I'm more of a romantic angst person, I do enjoy reading fantasy storylines. Your foreword gave me the thought "Ooh okay so there'll be a war in this" and now looking back, a war was only lightly mentioned before Anaea's trip to Earth, so it makes me wonder whether the war between humans and Ares is of paramount importance. Adding the aspect of super abilities spurs on the traits of the characters, and the readers' interest. With big things such as gladiator games and the emperor's undefined hate towards the humans, to little things for instance the glowing of doors upon entrance in Regnum and the creation of Arsen, 'Equidistant' looks like it would become an enjoyable read with its promising plot.
Again, full marks cannot be possible in this category as I have not witnessed the , resolution, and ending.
Again, full marks cannot be possible in this category as I have not witnessed the , resolution, and ending.
Characterization: (10/10)
You've introduced the characters extremely well. With Anaea, you start off showing the mischevious side of her, probably the most important trait as proved in her forbidden visit to Arsen, her careless acts of stirring trouble pushes the story on. With Anaea's reactions towards her punishments and scolding towards her, especially through her thoughts, it is implied that Anaea isn't the smartest person around and is quite oblivious. She fails to see the reasoning behind consequences. Another important trait of the female lead, is her curiousity, and that combined with her defiant trouble-maker side creates all the complications a story needs. Anaea isn't the typical sassy, intelligent warrior nor is she a quiet, depressed princess that I fear most authors like to throw their characters to acquire those kinds of personalities.
Not much is revealed about Lu Han, but he seems like the very observant, mute type. From what I've read, I can guess that Lu Han and Anaea are complete opposites - they'd probably go well together.
Sehun, has a very unique personality that I am finding it hard to get used to. In most fanfictions, Sehun is personified to be a very cold, mean or angry male. Very few I've read features Sehun to be the opposite, and so for Sehun to be the happiest Ares in Regnum is a very rocky aspect for me to digest. This is not bad. This is good. This is just me having read too many exo fics.
Anaea's father seems to have a slight resemblence to Lu Han's mother, mostly with their status in the social ladder. Rich, and probably arrogant. The latter is just my assumption.
Content Description (7/10)
You should know that you have a knack for explaining things quite well, so it's not a surprise that I could picture scenes out easily. There are a few, technical wording, that doesn't make sense, but I will be pointing them out in the Grammar category.
Something that is quite vital however, is the perspective of your story. In the prelude and the introduction bit of the first chapter, you as the author speak out to the reader through the story which is a really effective technique to use. Switching to Lu Han's perspective is fine but when it gets to Anaea, all comes crumbling down. Don't misunderstand, it is perfectly fine to be jumping from one character's mind, to another. However, you put the readers as Anaea and switch to second person. The difference between writing in third person and second person, is that readers are the most involved in the latter. They have to be. "You do this, you do that," the readers are the characters. We are Anaea. We are her mind, body and soul. We cannot look through Lu Han's side of the story, because we are Anaea. We are not looking through Anaea because it is not written in third person. Please keep this in mind.
In the case of perspectives, there are a few sections in your story where through Anaea, Sehun's views pop in. For example, Anaea submerged in water before her entrance in Arsen. Her eyes are closed, however the description of what the process looks like from the outside is available. Even though it's absolutely cool to have this piece of knowledge, amazing to know what it looks like, that's Sehun's observation not Anaea's, therefore we should not know. We should only be aware of how it feels like from Anaea's senses, to which you have told us.
Flow: (5/5)
The flow is quite steady. Nothing is rushed, and things obviously aren't going slow, as Lu Han has already made his appearance with Anaea within four chapters. With his forbidden entrance, the (or one of them?) is very near, with the story having a very good kick to start off. Well done, maintain this pace, and come back for a second review once your story has progressed so you can hear more 'well done's xD.
The flow is quite steady. Nothing is rushed, and things obviously aren't going slow, as Lu Han has already made his appearance with Anaea within four chapters. With his forbidden entrance, the (or one of them?) is very near, with the story having a very good kick to start off. Well done, maintain this pace, and come back for a second review once your story has progressed so you can hear more 'well done's xD.
Grammar: (5/10)
You acquire a relatively relaxed style of writing, with the often use of sophisticated vocabulary. In my experience as a reviewer, I've become quite lenient opposed to the Grammar Nazi I believe I once were, but to have a feel at how I pick up grammatical errors, I never fail to interrupt my friends from speaking if they utter a specific set of letters that I cannot stress enough, is NOT a word therefore I shall not call it a word to kindly correct (yell until they apologise and take that wretched thing back) themselves. And to let you know, it's the quite commonly (actually, it's probably just extremely common around where I live) said 'b ra n g'.
You acquire a relatively relaxed style of writing, with the often use of sophisticated vocabulary. In my experience as a reviewer, I've become quite lenient opposed to the Grammar Nazi I believe I once were, but to have a feel at how I pick up grammatical errors, I never fail to interrupt my friends from speaking if they utter a specific set of letters that I cannot stress enough, is NOT a word therefore I shall not call it a word to kindly correct (yell until they apologise and take that wretched thing back) themselves. And to let you know, it's the quite commonly (actually, it's probably just extremely common around where I live) said 'b ra n g'.
Sorry I just hate it so much. Someone I used to be really close with said it everyday and it drove me nuts.
Anyway, that didn't appear in your chapters, but hurted certainly did and I can tell you that is NOT a word. I found it a few times throughout your chapters.
The biggest grammatical issue you seem to have, is the frequent switch from past to present tense. Below are most if not all flaws that I could scrape up from your first two chapters (excluding the prelude):
The biggest grammatical issue you seem to have, is the frequent switch from past to present tense. Below are most if not all flaws that I could scrape up from your first two chapters (excluding the prelude):
CHAPTER 1: DISPARITY
Quote: Most of the lower classes couldn't even afford to eat three times a day.
Correction: Most of the lower classes can't even afford to eat three times a day.
Correction: Most of the lower classes can't even afford to eat three times a day.
[Stay in present tense.]
Quote: "He'd rather walk than take the chaffeur his mother brought to the party, considering that it only functioned upon the voice command of the woman."
[If only his mother was capable of ordering the driver around, then is taking the car an option for Lu Han as you state "rather than"?]
Quote: Not that its voice activated though, it was just because the driver only took his mom's orders.
Correction: Not that it's voice activated though, it was just because the driver only took his mom's orders.
['It's' = it is. 'Its' defines the possession of a subject.]
Quote: ...but Lu Han was brought back to his mother's custody by force, saying that the woman is responsible for her son if she wished to take care of him as stated under the law.
Correction: ...but Lu Han was brought back to his mother's custody by force, as stated under the law, the woman is responsible for her son if she wished to take care of him.
[Who is 'saying' that? The word also contradicts "as stated under the law".]
Quote: His mother loved flowers ever since.
[Ever since what? Ever since Lu Han was brought into the world, or ever since she met Lu Han's father, or ever since she was born?]
Quote: A little lot that she even wished her house to smell like one.
[I have no idea how to make sense of this.]
CHAPTER 2: AUDACIOUS
Quote: Not that its voice activated though, it was just because the driver only took his mom's orders.
Correction: Not that it's voice activated though, it was just because the driver only took his mom's orders.
['It's' = it is. 'Its' defines the possession of a subject.]
Quote: ...but Lu Han was brought back to his mother's custody by force, saying that the woman is responsible for her son if she wished to take care of him as stated under the law.
Correction: ...but Lu Han was brought back to his mother's custody by force, as stated under the law, the woman is responsible for her son if she wished to take care of him.
[Who is 'saying' that? The word also contradicts "as stated under the law".]
Quote: His mother loved flowers ever since.
[Ever since what? Ever since Lu Han was brought into the world, or ever since she met Lu Han's father, or ever since she was born?]
Quote: A little lot that she even wished her house to smell like one.
[I have no idea how to make sense of this.]
CHAPTER 2: AUDACIOUS
Quote: Above the world that we all know, there's another place that came to existence.
Correction: Above the world that we all know, there was another place that came to existence.
Quote: Each day was cruel, with one kind being killed after the other on countless fights occuring in every single place...
Correction: Each day was cruel, with one kind being killed after the other in countless fights occuring in every single place...
Quote: Only one girl was threated fairly by the society...
Correction: Only one girl was treated fairly by society...
Quote: Only one in a lifetime do the gods send this kind of Are to their world, the reason why she was considered very special.
Correction: Only once in a lifetime do the gods sent this kind of Are to their world - the reason why she was considered very special.
Quote: From her red eyes that glowed each time she was on a battle, long scarlet hair...
Correction: From her red eyes that glowed each time she was in a battle, long scarlet hair...
Quote: You don't even understand why he looked at you disgracefully after what you've done, when he did that same thing before himself.
Correction: You didn't even understand why he looked at you disgracefully after what you've done, when he did the same thing before himself.
Quote: ...making it's fire a ton times brighter than it was before.
Correction: ...making its fire a ton times bright than it was before.
Quote: It's better for you to stay in the place you call hell than fight for survival.
Correction: It's better for you to stay in the place you call Hell than fight for surivival.
Quote: I can't just kill innocent ares all the time.
Correction: I can't just kill innocent Ares all the time.
Quote: Sehun always saw this fragile side of you before the games, but no one else was permitted to see this but him.
Quote: Sehun always saw this fragile side of you before the games, but no one else was permitted to see this but him.
Correction: Sehun always saw this fragiel side of you before the games, and no one was permitted to see this but him.
Quote: No one knew that deep behind those red orbs lied the lonely girl who was wishing to get out of her unending curse.
Correction: No one knew that deep behind those red orbs laid the lonely girl who was wishing to get out of her unending curse.
Quote: You will never be free from the nightmare you always have.
Correction: You will never be free from the nightmare.
Quote: I simply cannot get blood on my hands any longer," you said, looking at his eyes.
Correction: I simply cannot stand getting blood on my hands any longer," you said, looking at his eyes.
Quote: You knew that you're going to be fine alone, but you can't deny that the training will be much better with the lad.
Correction: You knew that you were going to be fine alone, but you couldn't deny that the training would be much better with the lad.
Quote: Indeed, you were the beast that everyone fears, but how can you be a petitle lass under that thick mask?
Correction: Indeed, you were the beast that everyone fears, but how could you be a such a petite lass under that thick mask?
Quote: ...and turned around once he thought that he was already far.
Correction: ...and turned around once he thought he was far enough.
[Awkward wording.]
Quote: His lips curved into a small grin before his eyes looked at you, raised his hand and formed a tiny ball of fire once he spoke.
Correction: His lips curved into a small grin before he looked at you, raised his hand and formed a tiny ball of fire as he spoke.
Quote: But even though you don't want that gift...
Correction: But even though you didn't want that gift...
Quote: Sure, he's a really close friend, but a real man shall not give up until he gets worth surrendering pain, and you of course, thought that he's one of those few real men.
Correction: Sure, he was a really close friend, but a real man shall not give up until he suffers extravagant pain, and you of course, thought that he's one of those few men.
[One, keep in past tense. Two, I was sure that you had tried to word it, but couldn't settle on anything so just added "surrendering pain" and it made it look like it didn't make sense at all, but after a few times reading it over and over, I finally understood what you were trying to say. I offered you an alternative, but it's quite ironic, seeing that death was brutal but normal in the world of Regnum. It doesn't matter if the pain inflicted was bearable or not, it's a matter of death or life. And finally, three - you've already told us the "real men" at the beginning of the sentence, therefore it is not needed at the end.]
Quote: Training was extremely hard with Sehun as his personality does a 360 degree turn when fighting. His mind was always focused on the opponent ahead of him, and it seemed like he won't remember that he hurted someone until she was already dead, or sometimes, crying for mercy.
Correction: Training was extremely hard with Sehun as his personality does a 180 degree turn when fighting. His mind is always focused on the opponent ahead of him, and it seems like he wouldn't remember that he hurt someone until they were already dead, or sometimes, crying for mercy.
[Logically, a 360 degree turn would bring us back to 0 - Sehun's bubbly self. Note that I did not change "does" to 'did' as though 'does' belongs to the present tense, using 'did' in this context would mean that Sehun once, but no longer turns into a merciless beast whilst fighting. Most of the corrections afterward follow this concept, and if you don't understand, please ask me though I hope you do at this point. Also, Sehun's opponents aren't always a 'she', are they? 'They' would be the most suitable description.]
Quote: You were the only one of your kind who can make this lad surrender, but it's pictured as of know that he won't yearn for your pity.
Correction: You were the only one of your kind who could make this lad surrender, but it's pictured as of now that he wouldn't yearn for your mercy.
Quote: Sharp daggers flew together with the man flying through the air and while you remained silent on your place. A few moments later, the once flying daggers were now floating into thin air...
Correction: Sharp daggers flew towards you with the man flying through the air, while you remained silent at your place. A few moments later, the once flying daggers were now floating in thin air...
Quote: No one knew that deep behind those red orbs lied the lonely girl who was wishing to get out of her unending curse.
Correction: No one knew that deep behind those red orbs laid the lonely girl who was wishing to get out of her unending curse.
Quote: You will never be free from the nightmare you always have.
Correction: You will never be free from the nightmare.
Quote: I simply cannot get blood on my hands any longer," you said, looking at his eyes.
Correction: I simply cannot stand getting blood on my hands any longer," you said, looking at his eyes.
Quote: You knew that you're going to be fine alone, but you can't deny that the training will be much better with the lad.
Correction: You knew that you were going to be fine alone, but you couldn't deny that the training would be much better with the lad.
Quote: Indeed, you were the beast that everyone fears, but how can you be a petitle lass under that thick mask?
Correction: Indeed, you were the beast that everyone fears, but how could you be a such a petite lass under that thick mask?
Quote: ...and turned around once he thought that he was already far.
Correction: ...and turned around once he thought he was far enough.
[Awkward wording.]
Quote: His lips curved into a small grin before his eyes looked at you, raised his hand and formed a tiny ball of fire once he spoke.
Correction: His lips curved into a small grin before he looked at you, raised his hand and formed a tiny ball of fire as he spoke.
Quote: But even though you don't want that gift...
Correction: But even though you didn't want that gift...
Quote: Sure, he's a really close friend, but a real man shall not give up until he gets worth surrendering pain, and you of course, thought that he's one of those few real men.
Correction: Sure, he was a really close friend, but a real man shall not give up until he suffers extravagant pain, and you of course, thought that he's one of those few men.
[One, keep in past tense. Two, I was sure that you had tried to word it, but couldn't settle on anything so just added "surrendering pain" and it made it look like it didn't make sense at all, but after a few times reading it over and over, I finally understood what you were trying to say. I offered you an alternative, but it's quite ironic, seeing that death was brutal but normal in the world of Regnum. It doesn't matter if the pain inflicted was bearable or not, it's a matter of death or life. And finally, three - you've already told us the "real men" at the beginning of the sentence, therefore it is not needed at the end.]
Quote: Training was extremely hard with Sehun as his personality does a 360 degree turn when fighting. His mind was always focused on the opponent ahead of him, and it seemed like he won't remember that he hurted someone until she was already dead, or sometimes, crying for mercy.
Correction: Training was extremely hard with Sehun as his personality does a 180 degree turn when fighting. His mind is always focused on the opponent ahead of him, and it seems like he wouldn't remember that he hurt someone until they were already dead, or sometimes, crying for mercy.
[Logically, a 360 degree turn would bring us back to 0 - Sehun's bubbly self. Note that I did not change "does" to 'did' as though 'does' belongs to the present tense, using 'did' in this context would mean that Sehun once, but no longer turns into a merciless beast whilst fighting. Most of the corrections afterward follow this concept, and if you don't understand, please ask me though I hope you do at this point. Also, Sehun's opponents aren't always a 'she', are they? 'They' would be the most suitable description.]
Quote: You were the only one of your kind who can make this lad surrender, but it's pictured as of know that he won't yearn for your pity.
Correction: You were the only one of your kind who could make this lad surrender, but it's pictured as of now that he wouldn't yearn for your mercy.
Quote: Sharp daggers flew together with the man flying through the air and while you remained silent on your place. A few moments later, the once flying daggers were now floating into thin air...
Correction: Sharp daggers flew towards you with the man flying through the air, while you remained silent at your place. A few moments later, the once flying daggers were now floating in thin air...
Taste of the Story: (8/10)
As mentioned earlier before, I do enjoy stories of the Fantasy genre. I love the endless exploration and creation of ideas. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right. Despite the awkward phrases I picked up in your chapters, I found myself enjoying your story, and interested to witness what happens next. I think that weaving the theme of Equality between two different species is quite unique, and I hope you can successfully show your readers the importance of it, and how that will shape your story.
As mentioned earlier before, I do enjoy stories of the Fantasy genre. I love the endless exploration and creation of ideas. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right. Despite the awkward phrases I picked up in your chapters, I found myself enjoying your story, and interested to witness what happens next. I think that weaving the theme of Equality between two different species is quite unique, and I hope you can successfully show your readers the importance of it, and how that will shape your story.
Again, I cannot award you full marks here because your story is just starting to bloom, and there is not much depth for me to dig deeper into. Just keep up the effort and throw in as much as you can handle, set the spark on fire.
TOTAL: (73/100)
Thank you for requesting at LUST review shop.
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