Our Twisted Fate - 45
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!our twisted fate
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » Tinyredrose
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 11
genres » Slice of life, romance, crime, mystery, , yuri
description » Park Chanyeol is one of the most popular boys in schools, he ends falling for a sweet young nerd Byun Baekhyun. Being a big influencer comes with consequences especially in someone's love life. When Chanyeol suffers a terrible accident and the person behind the crime blames the new lover. Things get heated as best friends take manners to their own hands, revenged was on their mind and they got it. Three years later Chanyeol wakes up from his coma and he tells his friends the truth about his accident making old wounds open as the truth is finally revealed and old love sparks once more. Will Chanyeol forgive his friends?
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
A sweet and succinct choice of title, effective with pulling readers in if they were glancing through a list of fanfictions. At this point, I can't see much correlation between the title and storyline, and with it, coherence and clarity. I'm sure you'll reveal the meaning and relevance of the title as you post more chapters. Just keep in mind that the title should frame your story, so by the end of it the readers should be able to look back on the title and realise why you chose 'Our Twisted Fate'.
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 0.5/2
correlation to the story » 1.5/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
Firstly, a massive well done on creating your own graphics! I'm sure it took a lot of time to plan and execute it to your standard. I appreciate the extra consideration of spatial areas between the characters compared to your last poster - as I'm sure you recently changed it. This makes your characters look less cramped together. The overall vibe of the poster seems dark and a little mysterious which so far seems fitting to your plot. There is, however, a lot to see and process in the poster. Usually I would recommend using only the main characters in the front cover, excluding side characters. Your introduction of Chanyeol and Baekhyun in your Description leads me to think that they are the main characters of your story. Looking back after reading your chapters, I can see why you have included all your characters. I still think it's a bit overwhelming to see all your characters in their, but it is your call to make. Secondly, each image adopted in the poster should have some symbolism or meaning to the fanfiction. I'm questioning the imagery of woods at the bottom of the poster. Perhaps it'll have some connection to the story later on?
description and foreword (8)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 2/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
Presentation of the Description and Foreword is very neat and cute. I highly rate the flower dividers you've used. You've provided a very intriguing summary of your story in the Description. I must say it's worded very effectively and succinctly to entice the readers on their first impression of your composition. Relevance of the summary is questionable, however, as the focus of your story seems to be split not just between Chanyeol and Baekhyun but also between the rest of your characters. I will discuss this issue more thoroughly below in the Plot category. Other than that, very happy with this section.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Font, font size and spacing were all kept neat and consistent so I'm also very happy with this section. However, in Chapter 10 - Reconnecting there is a complete change in font and font colour after 'Jongin sighed as he got out of the car and started to run after Kyungsoo.' Also, there are very few things I picked up like accidental extra spacing, which I'm not too worried about. I've picked out three instances below.
Extracts from Chapter 1 - The Six Boys where the paragraphs were repeated:
The boys nodded as they were walking off Yifan look at Jongin who stared at Kyungsoo smiling and giggling at his friend. Yifan raised an eyebrow looking at his friend he had his brother's expression and he smirks a bit as he decided to mess around, Kevin shake his head as Yifan cough interrupting Baekhyun in his solo and the younger pouted a bit. Kyungsoo stared at them as he stood up raising an eyebrow putting his hand on his hips, Yifan wave at them, and Baekhyun wave back being polite, the elder drag Jongin to the stage as Yifan smile at both of them. Kevin told the other two boys to stay there because the other two were about to get destroyed. There was a reason Kyungsoo was known as a .
"Baekhyun....he was a bit of a competition when I got here for the cutest boy, but he's bearly noticeable since he's here or with his friends...or the library" Kevin shrug
The boys nodded as they were walking off Yifan look at Jongin who stared at Kyungsoo smiling and giggling at his friend. Yifan raised an eyebrow looking at his friend he had his brother's expression and he smirks a bit as he decided to mess around, Kevin shake his head as Yifan cough interrupting Baekhyun in his solo and the younger pouted a bit. Kyungsoo stared at them as he stood up raising an eyebrow putting his hand on his hips, Yifan wave at them, and Baekhyun wave back being polite, the elder drag Jongin to the stage as Yifan smile at both of them. Kevin told the other two boys to stay there because the other two were about to get destroyed. There was a reason Kyungsoo was known as a .
Also in Chapter 9 - Quit Playing:
"We were hurting about losing you, we were stupid and young and we drank.." Yifan sighed "It's not an excuse, but I am also not going to say sorry, because it happens and I can't change the past.. Yifan spoke coldly
"We were hurting about losing you, we were stupid and young and we drank.." Yifan sighed "It's not an excuse, but I am also not going to say sorry, because it happens and I can't change the past.. Yifan spoke coldly
And thirdly, just wanted to point out that the 'To Be Continue' at the end of every chapter should be 'To Be Continued'. Just a minor grammatical correction.
I'll make it a note here that in this review, there were a lot of things that I found problematic. I aim to be critical not derogative and I don't want you to take anything personal. I don't mean to bring you down and I don't want you to feel that way. In identifying and discussing the issues, I'll be giving my tips and advice so you can further improve and better your writing. Please let me know if you need further clarification on anything.
PLOT (10)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 4/10
the effect of events » 3/10
development of plot » 3/10
This section is very confusing. Put simply, there is too much going on in Our Twisted Fate. As discussed above, your Description and Foreword only introduces the complication with Chanyeol and Baekhyun's relationship. However, the story chapters reveal that every character you have introduced has their equal share of problems and you dedicate many chunks of your chapters to each individual character's story. This makes it very hard to determine exactly what is the storyline. Is it about how each male develop and discover themselves? Is it about how friendships and romantic relationships can be tested? Did you mean to have the focus story divided between all of your characters or were you meaning to centre the story around one relationship? At this point in Our Twisted Fate, I feel that there are eight different storylines told at the same time. For one story, that's seven too many. It's fine for each character to have their own story and personal affairs but it gets very overwhelming when the focus of the story is shared between multiple characters, and in your story's instance, it's shared across at least twelve characters.
To break it down, I think there are two main issues that contribute to this multiple-plot problem and I will discuss these predominantly in Content Description and Flow below. The biggest downfall is the use of several character perspectives. Generally, most stories are written from one character's point of view. Two to four are also okay if the author balances it really well, and in a justifiable or reasonable manner. Maybe five, but I would not recommend utilising any more than that. Focusing the story through one character's point of view allows the readers to familiarise themselves with the character and absorb the events through them, almost like they are the character. In this way, the readers are able to empathise with that one character. When authors introduce other characters' perspectives, readers tend to choose favourites. Multiple point of views means readers are allowed to have a choice which character appeals to them more. If you limit the readers to one character, they're forced to absorb the story in the way the chosen character perceives events and others. So you can see why, in Our Twisted Fate, revealing every character's true thoughts, feelings and life goals, become very overwhelming for the readers and give them very little room to familiarise themselves with every character. This can severely dampen the reading enjoyment.
Further, you switch perspectives too rapidly. I imagine this to be one of the major reasons as to why you think some readers aren't enjoying your story. It's difficult for us to fully absorb what is going on in your story when you change character perspectives too frequently and quickly. Similarly, when there is too much going on, it's too overwhelming for the readers. This is heavily linked to Flow. As you switch perspectives, you are also flying through the scenes way too rapidly. More often than not, some of the events that occur are very escalated and intense, almost to the point where it's unbelievable because it's unrealistic.
This brings me to my next point of choice of events in your narration. As one example, you introduced the boys' friendships to one another as friendly, playful, comfortable and loyal, and then you have a bunch of them Baekhyun. Where did that come from? Can they really rebuild their friendships from this act of crime? I know you have put in some explanations, like the boys being tricked by Jeonghan and so they acted under the influence of him, but I still can't believe several of them threw away their morales and did that to one of their own. It happened so suddenly too - note that this affects the Flow of your story and these two major issues lead me to think these events are simply unbelievable. Other examples are some of the boys flying to other countries and starting a new life in the span of one or two paragraphs - way too rushed. Slow it down, explain it to us why and how it came to be. A handful of sentences aren't proportionate to the scale of these events. We need more explanation. This is why it's important to choose one or a select few of characters to narrate your story in, so you can push out the hurt feelings some of them feel and have the readers sympathise for them. It's very hard to absorb the events that occur and feel for the characters if you're rotating between each and every one of them.
The only marks I can award in this section are linked to development and appeal of the plot. Even though I find a lot of issues in your exposition, I can see that you have many, many great ideas planned for each character and you are purely trying to portray that in one story. I commend your effort. Despite this, the truth is that your presentation is very messy and it's costing the reading enjoyment of Our Twisted Fate. By lack of necessary description and focus, I don't know what your main storyline is so I don't know whether it's being developed enough. Keep in mind you are writing one story so there should only be one storyline with side events complementing it so it's not just one basic journey. This means that minor events brought by minor characters are allowed but you should label clear what is the main plot and focus a lot of development on that. As your Description and Foreword advertises Chanyeol's coma to be the main attraction, I can't say that the first handful of chapters did much to develop that storyline, hence the relatively low mark. From hereon, you should consider what you want to write about in this one story and draw a lot of focus on that. Don't let the other relationships and characters' pasts get in the way of the main attraction.
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
This category was done quite well. So far you've narrated the story at a very quick pace, and in effect, your characters have seen massive spikes in development. As the boys grow closer or further in friendships and relationships, their characters are forced to change and that is exactly something we need to see in a story. I would like to dedicate some focus on your main characters so we don't lose the development progress on them, but as examined above, I'm not sure who your main characters are. Seems that all twelve boys hold equal power over the story. As far as characterisation goes though, keep up the effort regarding characterisation. The only thing to bear in mind is that by the end of the story, all your main characters should be very different people to the characters they were at the start of the story.
content description (3)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 1/5
There are a handful of descriptions littered throughout your story that pose as good starting points. However, expanding on those descriptions would go a long way to further paint the scenes for the readers and make it clearer what is exactly going on in the story. One important area is the lack of description of setting. Some examples are describing the locations of where your characters are - what do their homes look like? What does the school look like? What do the characters look like? Spending the time to further describe the setting and charaters helps the readers fully picture the scenes so they know exactly what is going on and so they don't become confused. It can also add to the style and vibe of Our Twisted Fate which is vital in making it a unique read.
Another issue is the rapid pace of narration. More often than not, the descriptions are very rushed. Scenes would be created and explained within a single sentence, giving very little time for the readers to absorb what's going on. This reduces the likelihood of the reader understanding what is happening to your characters and also the likelihood of reader enjoyment. I'll pick out some examples and discuss them below but keep in mind that there are a lot more instances where description was very rushed. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Chapter - 1 - The Six Boys
One sunny morning in the all-boys high school located in the heart of Seoul, Korea. The morning shines bright as all the innocent cute boys gather around the main gate to see the reason why they go to school, they started to look at each other to make sure they were ready to greet the boys that were about to walk in. One boy yelled to the others as he ran in to get ready, the boys were all ready and excited. Six boys appeared on the gate walking as they raised their eyes brows seeing all the cute boys screaming, squealing, greeting them 'good morning' with lovey-dovey eyes. The eldest Park Junmyeon was slim, a bit tall, brown hair, and a great smile, he was the captain of the soccer team and a third-year student. The second eldest Wu Yifan the tallest of the boys, captain of the basketball team, he is a mix of Chinese & Canadian and the boys in the school love his smirk and body. Yifan is also a Senior in high school in high school. The third oldest is Kim Jongdae he is the co-captain of the soccer team, he is a senior, he stands out because of his smile and sweet caring personality. The fourth oldest is Kim Jongin he's the captain of the hip hop dance team, senior, and is known for his body and other naughty things. The Fifth boy is Park Chanyeol he is the second tallest one in the group, he has pink hair since he loves to stand out, he loves to make others laugh, and is the co-captain of the basketball team, he is known since his brother is one of the hottest boys in school. The sixth boy is Kim Sehun's little brother to Kim's the three of them are extremely different, Jongin know for being a dancer boy, Jongdae for being sweet and caring then Sehun quiet and reserves comments to himself. The boys didn't know much about Sehun, but they found him hot and mysterious. The boys didn't care if they were popular or not they just lived their lives day by day, since school would end in four months for them they were excited to finished school. One of the boys walks out of the crowd nervously walking to Chanyeol, the elder smiles at him widely making the younger even more nervous. The other five boys left him alone, they already knew what was going to happen, then the five boys got surrounded by the crowd. They didn't mind the attention, but sometimes they just wanted to walk to class in peace. Sehun was the only one who could walk in peace, the boys were a bit afraid of him since he was kind of coldhearted. The younger wave at his brother and a joking manner making the elders wish they were a bit rude like their baby brother. The three brothers were adopted and they were inseparable ever since they got adopted, they promise each other in good or bad they would always be together. Sehun sighs softly as he walks away, then his best friend walk behind him sighing loudly, the younger raised an eyebrow.
This is the first paragraph of your story which is particularly important as it is where the readers would get their first impression of your writing. From this one paragraph alone, seven of the characters were introduced. This is very overwhelming to the readers. As a general rule of thumb, authors should slowly introduce the characters so they can ease the readers into the story and let them familiarise themselves with the characters and setting in their own way.
Chapter 2 - We Meet Again
Baekhyun nodded softly as he smiles at the elder then Jongin look at Chanyeol and the younger nodded. The rest of the boys walk outside as Chanyeol and Baekhyun went to a corner and stare out the window at the sunset, Baekhyun took his phone out as he sighs softly he had been trying to get concert tickets all week and he hasn't been able to get them. Chanyeol got a text from his parents as he smiles, his cousin was coming to town and he decided to text him. Jongin sat down rubbing his neck as he looks at Kyungsoo, he stared for a bit at the younger, he remembers him clearly and he was still as beautiful as he remembers.
The focus of your second chapter seems to be on Jongin and Kyungsoo's past but we get snippets of the other boys' presents and pasts. This can be extremely distracting and can make it hard for the readers to focus on which storyline you are trying to narrate. This extract is an example of where you could write a whole chapter on Baekhyun and Chanyeol's developing relationship. However, this was squeezed into a chapter where the focus was on Kyungsoo and Jongin. Another excerpt from the same chapter:
Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun's eyes again, does big eyes that made him melt, he felt his face burn as he felt even his ears turn bright red. Kyungsoo smelled Jongin's scent as he closes his eyes griping into the elder shirt, Jongin leans into the younger he smelled sweet like watermelon. They slowly separated a bit looking into each other's eyes as Jongin took out his wallet and show Kyungsoo the last picture they took together. Kyungsoo started to cry seeing it, he remembers that day they fake to be getting married and Sehun got jealous cause he felt left out. Jongdae was eating all the cake the baby sitter made for them, he chuckles a bit as gave Jongin a big smile with tears. Jongin's heart started beating loud it felt as if it would rip out of his chest. Chanyeol finally decided to ask Baekhyun out on a date his first-ever date as he coughs a bit into his hand.
Narration here is very, very rushed. Slow it down, let the readers have some time to absorb what is going on. It will help to separate the development of the two relationships going on here. Give more sentences to Chanyeol and Baekhyun to really drive in their developing connection (this relationship you had advertised in the Description and Foreword so in my opinion, it really should be the main relationship the story should focus on), and more sentences to Jongin and Kyungsoo to seal that rekindling of their old love. The addition of Jongdae's reaction is sudden and awkward.
Also, it would pay you good to be more aware of furthering your vocabulary. Some words are constantly repeated and eventually it loses its effect. Below is a short example from Chapter 9 - Quit Playing. I've emboldened the words that are repeated.
Luhan sighed softly as he bites his lips, he stared at the person next to him smiling he asks Tao to wait a moment as he pokes to the person next to him. The blonde took his headphones off looking at the elder.
"I think it's time...at least...for Tao.." Luhan spoke softly
"I think so too... I got a call from my friend is about to get worse over there and we're seventeen hours away..." Sehun spoke as softly
They both look at the short blonde in front of them as he sighed softly nodding, he bites his lips as he took the phone off speaker then he stood silent, Tao heard the noise again as he spoke.
"Luhan?" Tao raised an eyebrow
"H-Hey...panda.." A soft voice spoke
You can easily replace 'spoke' and 'softly' with synonyms such as 'murmured', 'breathed lightly' and 'said quietly'. This will get rid of the repetition that may bore the readers. Note also there are a lot of grammatical errors in these extracts but I will go through them in Grammar below.
Additionally, I want to briefly discuss the use of colloquialism in your writing. Colloquialism is the informal manner of speech that people typically use in real life. In published works, authors usually write in a formal way with the exception of colloquialism in character dialogue, as if the characters are real people speaking in real life. Here is one example form Chapter 3 - Forbidden. I'll embolden the sentences were informal speech was incorporated and also note that excessive amount of actions that all happened in one paragraph:
Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun's eyes again, does big eyes that made him melt, he felt his face burn as he feEllison chuckled as he walks away Yixing bit his lips as he giggled and close the door he shake Yifan like crazy as he screams then he ran to his room going to get his phone. Yifan stared at the door in shock, he did not just do that to his brother. Jeonghan and Kevin look at each other it was time to go, the two boys decided to leave when they left as soon they walk out of the building Kevin groan forgetting his phone. Jeonghan sigh telling him he would wait for him, Kevin went back to Yifan's apartment and he knocks on the door. Yifan opens the door as the younger pointed at his phone, he went to go get it, and then he walked out. When he got on the elevator Ellison stop it, the elder sigh softly about to take out trash and go on his run. Kevin touch the bottom as the elevator blink, Ellison looks at Kevin curiously.t even his ears turn bright red. Kyungsoo smelled Jongin's scent as he closes his eyes griping into the elder shirt, Jongin leans into the younger he smelled sweet like watermelon. They slowly separated a bit looking into each other's eyes as Jongin took out his wallet and show Kyungsoo the last picture they took together. Kyungsoo started to cry seeing it, he remembers that day they fake to be getting married and Sehun got jealous cause he felt left out. Jongdae was eating all the cake the baby sitter made for them, he chuckles a bit as gave Jongin a big smile with tears. Jongin's heart started beating loud it felt as if it would rip out of his chest. Chanyeol finally decided to ask Baekhyun out on a date his first-ever date as he coughs a bit into his hand.
Another way to understand it is the manner of speech that English or Korean people use. If we are meeting someone for the first time, we wouldn't immediately start speaking to them informally, because it can come across as rude to the other person. Same kind of concept when you are writing a narrative - besides character dialogue, it is recommended that you stick to a more formal and polite way of writing.
Furthermore, you should limit the amount of times you use vulgar language, also known as swear words, in your writing. This is because some readers may not be accustomed to swearing, so they may not appreciate reading vulgar words. Another reason is that the more you use swear words the less meaning and effect it would have, because you overuse it. Just another thing to keep in mind.
Lastly, I'll run through the issue of using multiple character perspectives in further detail. As mentioned above, authors usually narrate through one character's eyes - or a select few of characters. When you commit to one character's perspective, the readers should only be privy to that character's thoughts, feelings and observations. That means that no other characters' thoughts, feelings and observations should be revealed to that chosen character or the readers. So for example, if you choose to narrate in Chanyeol's perspective, the readers shouldn't know how any other character is feeling or thinking.
As you have commited to several characters' perspectives, and sometimes all at once, it becomes very confusing and overwhelming to the readers. Hopefully you can start to see and understand that now. I am very happy to give you further clarification if you need it. As you are already eleven chapters into your story, it may be very difficult and time-consuming to change the perspectives and focus on only a handful of characters, if not one. I would recommend continuing to visit every characters' storyline as you already have, but perhaps spending more time and words on each character. This allows the readers to familiarise themselves with the character so they can better absorb what is happening and can start to empathise for your characters. A few more paragraphs dedicated to one character's thoughts and feelings would go a long way to solidifying that relationship the readers should have with your chosen characters. Perhaps you can consider dedicating a whole chapter, or half a chapter, to one character's perspective. These are the traditional methods of narration.
This is an excerpt from Chapter 5 - Love Connection. The character perspective and scene jump is very abrupt because it happens in one paragraph, i.e, no rest or break from the previous scene.
Yifan held Tao close as they started to kiss gently, the blood stop and the water was clean. Yifan removes his shirt from the younger body he wanted to feel his body against his, he removes the socks gently as he kisses the younger legs softly. Tao leans against the wall softly feeling the elder's kisses as Yifan kissed the younger stomach and chest until he reached his lips and they started to kiss each other roughly. Chanyeol went to see Baekhyun since they were going to the concert the next day, the younger look at the tall boy with eyes smile at him softly. Chanyeol took Baekhyun out for a romantic walk, he wanted to get to know a bit that way it wouldn't be awkward the next day. They talk for a long time, they grab some food turns out they had a lot in common, they enjoy each other's company.
An excerpt from Chapter 9 - Quit Playing:
Yixing hugged Kyungsoo as they both only had themselves to blame for their decisions. Yifan saw it started to rain as he sighs softly getting out of his car walking to the wooded area, he took out his flashlight he didn't like the woods since most dead bodies would end up buried someone in these types of areas. He heard the sniffles and the whimpers as he followed the sound, then as the rain soak them wet he saw Tao crying into his arm hard and screaming into them. Yifan sigh as he got close taking his coat off covering Tao, the younger cried more as he felt the coat covering him from the rain a bit. Junmyeon went to an underground club he sighed since he didn't care anymore he wanted to drink his sorrows away.
In that same section of the story, this is an example of where the narrative can get extremely confusing:
The music got loud as more people starting appearing, Jongin decided to pull the elder to dance Junmyeon was a horrible dancer, but he didn't care he was already tipsy the DJ started to turn off and on the lights then he played good music and they both started dancing, the men and woman saw both handsome men dancing getting their attention. Two girls got close to them starting to dance too close touching their chest. The two men didn't know they were being watched extremely close. Yixing decided to go out and Kyungsoo decided to follow him since they were going to turn themselves in after they dealt with Jeonghan.
And one final example:
Yixing decided to play the women's game he went to the DJ requesting a song then he smirks at Kyungsoo getting lost in the crowd. The elder smirk softly as he went to the dance floor following Yixing, they both dance softly as the song change to 'UKiss- Quit Playing' and the environment turns ual around them, the two elders were not happy they got even more awkward trying to get away from the girls as Junmyeon felt hands on his chest that wasn't from the girl in front of him, he sighs softly he did not need another crazy girl, he turns and his eyes winded as he Yixing spin a bit moving his hips slowly walking away from him. Junmyeon felt hypnotize he follow him through the crowd. Jongin was a bit high he just dances ignoring the woman around him, he needed to escape reality, then he felt someone get close when he took his eyes winded he saw Kyungsoo dancing in a skirt, he raised an eyebrow seeing how short the skirt was, he could legit see the younger short, he bit his lip he thought it was the drugs making him have hallucination as he got close holding the younger by the hips.
It's hard to tell who's in what scene. Are Yixing and Junmyeon in the same scene as Kyungsoo and Jongin? If they're not, you need to separate the scenes with spatial divisions. This would be made easier with a complete perspective change, as discussed above.
Furthermore, from the same chapter, I want to discuss the longevity of this sentence:
Jongin was a bit high he just dances ignoring the woman around him, he needed to escape reality, then he felt someone get close when he took his eyes winded he saw Kyungsoo dancing in a skirt, he raised an eyebrow seeing how short the skirt was, he could legit see the younger short, he bit his lip he thought it was the drugs making him have hallucination as he got close holding the younger by the hips.
Note that this paragraph is one sentence. Excessive use of commas can tire out the readers - think of it as one comma is an inhale of breath for the readers whereas a full stop gives us a break. Again, the longer the sentence, the more likely you'll exhaust the reading flow. You can easily break this down into four sentences with appropriate commas:
Jongin was a bit high. He just dances ignoring the woman around him, he needed to escape reality. Then he felt someone get close, when he took his eyes winded he saw Kyungsoo dancing in a skirt. He raised an eyebrow seeing how short the skirt was, he could legit see the younger short. He bit his lip, he thought it was the drugs making him have hallucination as he got close holding the younger by the hips.
flow (0)
suitability of the flow » 0/2
your control of the pace » 0/3
There are many sections of your story where scenes are way too rushed. This is potently linked to Content Description - if you incorporate more description of setting and the scene in general, you will be slowing down the reading flow so much more which gives time for the reader to process the story. There are many sections of your story, throughout all your chapters, where scenes and character interactions were unreasonably rushed. Hopefully I've given a thorough enough explanation in Plot and Content Description about how a rushed pace of a story can impact your story and the readers. I've picked out a lot of examples in Content Description so I won't provide anymore, unless you really need it. My advice is to take the narration of events a lot more slow and dedicate more time and words to each scene. This would greatly enhance the chance of your readers properly enjoying Our Twisted Fate.
grammar (3)
punctuation » 1/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 0/2
This section needs a lot of attention as I found problems with all the sub-categories listed in the rubric. The frequent errors may disrupt the reading flow for some readers, especially the ones who pay particular attention to grammar, like myself. I recognise that English isn't your first language so some of my explanations and corrections may not make sense to you, and that's completely okay. As you are still learning, I would recommend employing a beta-reader to help you out on the edits. Nevertheless, I still want you to be fully aware of the main issues and will try to explain with simplicity so you can understand and hopefully learn. I'll go through each major issue in detail with examples from your chapters but my best advice is to employ a beta reader so they can brush through the main and most obvious grammatical mistakes. Please let me know if you don't understand any correction and I will explain further.
Punctuation
This is one of the biggest and most obvious issue. Some sentences are missing the full stop ( . ) at the end, so it may be wise to edit your chapters and make sure each sentence ends with a full stop. Here is an extract from Chapter 1 - The Six Boys:
"Another confession?" Sehun asks not caring
"Bro yes..." Chanyeol sigh "I don't mind the attention, but it's so annoying at times" He frowned a bit
"I don't know that feeling" The blonde shrug
"Your too cool for love.." Chanyeol chuckle
"Your too stupid romantic for a relationship" Sehun spoke coldly
"Damn....sorry" Chanyeol sigh
"....No, it's fine.." Sehun spoke a bit space out as he walks inside the school
"You good?" Chanyeol asks rubbing his soft pink hair
"...Yeah" The younger answer as he continues walking.
"....You have been weird lately.." Chanyeol rub the back of his neck "Like not normal weird.." he mumbles
"....I'm just going through my stuff you know?" Sehun shrug
"...Your brothers know what's going on with you?" Chanyeol asks raising an eyebrow
Before I add in those full stops as corrections, I want to highlight the next two punctuation issues. Firstly, missing punctuation in character dialogue. When you end a character dialogue with the way the character spoke, like 'said' or 'chuckled', you need to use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation mark ( " ). Alternatively, when you end a dialogue with an action, like 'Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck' or 'Sehun shrugged', you need to use a full stop ( . ) before the ending quotation mark. The use of question marks ( ? ) to end someone's question is correct. Secondly, keep your use of ellipses ( ... ) consistent. Four full stops are fine but the common manner is three. In the extract I picked out, you sometimes use two, sometimes three, sometimes four. So you should aim to be consistent. Finally, note my edits in tenses as this is another major issue but I will explain more below. Corrections:
"Another confession?" Sehun asked not caring.
"Bro yes..." Chanyeol sighed. "I don't mind the attention, but it's so annoying at times." He frowned a bit.
"I don't know that feeling." The blonde shrugged.
"You're too cool for love..." Chanyeol chuckled.
"You're too stupid romantic for a relationship," Sehun spoke coldly.
"Damn.... Sorry," Chanyeol sighed.
"...No, it's fine..." Sehun spoke a bit spaced out as he walked inside the school.
"You good?" Chanyeol asked rubbing his soft pink hair.
"...Yeah," the younger answered as he continued walking.
"...You have been weird lately..." Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck. "Like not normal weird..." he mumbled.
"...I'm just going through my stuff you know?" Sehun shrugged.
"...Your brothers know what's going on with you?" Chanyeol asked raising an eyebrow.
Spelling
Throughout your chapters, there are a lot of typographic errors that I came across. Examples and corrections provided below.
Chapter 4 - Overprotective
"Ohhh~~~" Lisa smile "Mmmh...you remind me of when I was little and Jongin used to tell me stories of this price...charming"
"Ohhh~~~" Lisa smiled. "Mmmh...you remind me of when I was little and Jongin used to tell me stories of this prince...charming"
The boys started to hear Yixing as he told them what happened with Junmyeon he was a bit nervous s his face turn bright red and he smiles at them happily.
The boys started to hear Yixing as he told them what happened with Junmyeon he was a bit nervous as his face turn bright red and he smiled at them happily.
"He started living you secret notes.." Jongdae sigh rubbing his face
"He started leaving you secret notes.." Jongdae sigh rubbing his face.
Junmyeon eyes winded as Yifan's head snap at him and started to glared at him, the way Sehun ask that question he knew what it meant and he grabs the elder by his shirt.
I suspect you mean 'widened' when you write 'winded'. This mistake constantly occurs throughout your chapters.
Junmyeon eyes widened as Yifan's head snapped at him. Yifan started to glare at him, the way Sehun asked that question he knew what it meant and he grabbed the elder by his shirt.
Yifan's eyes winded as Yixing glared at him.
Yifan's eyes widened as Yixing glared at him.
Vocabulary
I recommend branching out to new words and looking up synonyms if you are overusing some words, like 'softly' and 'spoke' as given in the example above. Repeating words loses its effect and may bore the readers. Utilising a new and wider range of vocabulary keeps the read fresh.
Tense Collisions
This one is a big sub-category and perhaps you can pay more heed to it. There are a lot of inconsistences between past and present tense. I'm assuming you want to narrate in the past tense so corrections below from Chapter 10 - Reconnecting are edited to past tense. Note I have only made corrections to tense collisions and typographical errors but not tag-verb collisions:
Yixing bit his lips looking at Junmyeon as he started to walk behind Kyungsoo, Junmyeong and Jongin both sighed softly taking their phones out texting people then they waited a bit as they turn around following the youngers. The elders walk around the corner to see both boys walking slowly, they needed to catch up to them before they left them behind. The elders were smarter they got in Jongin's scar since it was closer and started the car the two young boys saw the car stopped next to them as the two men cough a bit. Yixing lean into the window seeing Junmyeon, he shows him the badge as he whispers a few flirtatious words things into his ear the younger giggled as he whispers things back into the elder's ear, they both started to kiss roughly. Kyungsoo took his time getting to the other side as he bends down softly, the elder starring at his legs then Jongin raised an eyebrow.
"It's raining, you and your friend need a ride?" Jongin asks as he found his cigarettes
"Mmh...and where would you take me, officer?" Kyungsoo asks as he touches the elder shoulder
"Where do you want to go?" Jongin asked as he began to smoke
"Far away" Kyungsoo spoke "Paris...Italy...Rome"
"Wine countries I'm in..." Jongin smoke
Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow "I'm expensive..."
"I know you don't like Moscato.." Jongin smirk "I like red wine..." He stared at the younger fishnet stalkings as he extended his arm touching the younger leg "I like my wine smooth...sour....then sweet.." Jongin smoke a bit
Yixing and Junmyeon stop kissing the line Jongin pulled on that was smooth, they both held in their laughter. Kyungsoo bit his lips feeling the elder's hand on his leg, his long fingers made the younger one close his eyes as he rubs his neck. Kyungsoo sighs softly as he pouted a bit.
"What about your husband?" Kyungsoo looks away "Bet he's waiting for you at home..."
Jongin bit his lips as he smirks a bit more "Your right I am married, but I and my soon to be ex-husband have one big problem" he spoke softly
"Mmh...what is that?" Kyungsoo asks curiously
Yixing bit his lips looking at Junmyeon as he started to walk behind Kyungsoo, Junmyeon and Jongin both sighed softly taking out their phones out texting people then they waited a bit as they turned around following the youngers. The elders walked around the corner to see both boys walking slowly, they needed to catch up to them before they left them behind. The elders were smarter they got in Jongin's scar since it was closer and started the car the two young boys saw the car stopped next to them as the two men cough a bit. Yixing leaned into the window seeing Junmyeon, he showed him the badge as he whispered a few flirtatious words things into his ear the younger giggled as he whispered things back into the elder's ear, they both started to kiss roughly. Kyungsoo took his time getting to the other side as he bend down softly, the elder starring at his legs then Jongin raised an eyebrow.
"It's raining, you and your friend need a ride?" Jongin asked as he found his cigarettes
"Mmh...and where would you take me, officer?" Kyungsoo asked as he touched the elder's shoulder
"Where do you want to go?" Jongin asked as he began to smoke
"Far away" Kyungsoo spoke "Paris...Italy...Rome"
"Wine countries I'm in..." Jongin smoked
Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow "I'm expensive..."
"I know you don't like Moscato.." Jongin smirked "I like red wine..." He stared at the younger fishnet stalkings as he extended his arm touching the younger leg "I like my wine smooth...sour....then sweet.." Jongin smoke a bit
Yixing and Junmyeon stop kissing the line Jongin pulled on that was smooth, they both held in their laughter. Kyungsoo bit his lips feeling the elder's hand on his leg, his long fingers made the younger one close his eyes as he rubbed his neck. Kyungsoo sighed softly as he pouted a bit.
"What about your husband?" Kyungsoo looked away "Bet he's waiting for you at home..."
Jongin bit his lips as he smirked a bit more "Your right I am married, but I and my soon to be ex-husband have one big problem" he spoke softly
"Mmh...what is that?" Kyungsoo asked curiously
taste of story (1)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 0/5
influence of flow and grammar » 0/4
length of your story » 1/1
As a first impression, I was very intrigued by the choice of title and your presentation of the Description and Foreword. The storyline you presented seemed interesting and I wanted to see it develop and unfold. I wrote the above discussions as a reviewer but as I keep mentioning, there are many problems that significantly impacted the general reading flow and enjoyment. Particularly with my eye for detail, I personally found it hard to ignore the mistakes and areas that lack substance. On top of this, I'm not the biggest fan of and yuri, so the sections weren't very tasteful to me. This is just a personal preference of mine so you don't have to worry too much about this comment.
I'd say the flow of the story was the biggest flaw for me. Knowing that you find it challenging to write in English as your second language, many of the issues discussed above are very understandable. However, the flow is perhaps the best area you would have control over. You can slow down the reading pace by a lot if you add in more description and take more time and effort in narrating the scenes. Perhaps have a read of published books and pay attention to how slow the authors take it. Some scenes need thorough description and time in order for the readers to absorb and enjoy the story.
Again, I don't want you to take any of my observations and comments personally. It's very hard to write in English if it's not your first language and I can't imagine writing in a second language. As far as this goes, I'd say you've made a superb effort. There are many areas for improvement but that will all come with time and more practice. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your writing!
total score (45)
thank you for requesting at lust. we hope you will provide feedback.
Comments