Time
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!time
reviewed by qteapie
the request.
AUTHOR » jokoEXOtic
STORY status » Completed
type of request » Standard
chapters reviewed » 1
genres » angst, flat out angst, no romance
description » Jungkook didn't mean to avoid Yoongi but when he finally faces him, their meeting becomes the end of their relationship. Now that his brother refuses to talk to him, Jungkook just wishes he could go back in time.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (4)
appeal » 1/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
Since this story only has one chapter (and I think it will have more?), the title Time does have a pretty obvious correlation to what the story is actually about. In fact, the title seems to hint at the underlying theme which makes the title a good fit in my opinion. As for the appeal, I feel as though the title Time is slightly bland. It does fit your story which is good, but the word “time” can imply a wide variety of different story plots which may result in your story simply being glossed over by possible future readers.
graphics (4)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
Personally, I don’t care much for graphics because they don’t influence the story in one bit. The correlation is clearly evident. The story you’ve written is filled with angst, and your cover certainly depicts a dark feel. I felt that the specific poses used in the picture fit extremely well. The only part of the poster I don’t necessarily agree with is the background. All of it seems like a blur. I do see how that could be taken as a sort of...”lost in time” aspect, but it seems like the mix of colors and overlay/filter used wasn’t quite right for the poster.
description and foreword (7)
APPEAL of the description » 3/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 0/1
Your quote from your story was very interesting.It related well to your story because it took a line that does give a reader a good insight into what the story is about, which makes it a good description. Your foreword isn’t extremely useful for the story itself. You wrote that you got your inspiration which is fine, but that could go in the “author’s notes”section.It’d be good to exempt the images you put in your foreword as well because they don’t necessarily matter.
story layout (3)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 2/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 1/2
The font of font size you used in the description was different from the font you used in your chapter and your foreword. This isn’t an extremely awful thing since you didn’t change fonts in the middle of a sentence, but it’s better to stay consistent within a story, especially between the description and foreword since both are present on the same page. Right now, the organization of chapters is fine considering you only have one chapter up. Your chapters are arranged in a typical way which, in my opinion, is good. The only objection is the use of pictures, like the one in the beginning of the chapter. You don’t often see any pictures in a chaptered book aside from the cover and maybe a reprint inside the book of the cover. I know that your picture was from a music video that influenced your writing, but even if a person isn’t aware of the scene, you just have to describe everything in words. I’d say it’d be best to keep pictures out of stories.
PLOT (18)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 7/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 5/10
The overall plot idea you have so far seems like it has the potential to be pretty cool depending on what you intend to do with it. It’s different from the typical stories you see. Since this was originally supposed to be a one-shot, there isn’t that much plot development or events that occur during that first chapter. If it was going to continue to be a one-shot, then it would leave a lot of questions unanswered. Of course, in the first chapter Jungkook and Suga do have a huge fight, but within this chapter this event doesn’t seem to have much merit, because I don’t know what it could mean. Basically, I know in the beginning what I know in the end although I feel this mostly has to do with the fact that this story was a one-shot.
characterisation (7)
development of characters » 3/5
character influence on the story » 4/5
Your characters obviously have a great influence on the story, their personalities and attitudes are basically what shapes the events that occur; however, there isn’t much actual development. I understand this is something hard to accomplish through a one-shot, but, it’s not there. It seems like it might be difficult to develop these characters throughout the rest of the story (if you continue on).
content description (8)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 3/5
Within your story, you use a lot of descriptive language; however, most of those descriptive words end with -ly. There’s nothing wrong with words that end in -ly, they’re a beautiful thing, but there can be too many of them in one story. It would be good to diversify the way in which you describe scenes. Instead of saying something like “He quickly went to the store” you could say “He rushed to the store in hopes that they would still be open.”
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
Since there is no sense of movement in your story because it’s a simple seen, your flow control is good. The chapter covers only one particular event which means that you have a good grasp on what a chapter should be. If you would have tried to compact more than one event in the chapter, then your flow would be off, but since you controlled what happened, your story has a good flow to it thus far.
grammar (7)
punctuation » 0/2
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 1/2
syntax » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Your overall grammar is pretty good and nothing bad. In your writing, you missed a few commas in a few places where you connected two independent clauses with an “and”. For example you wrote:
“My back hits the front door with a thud and I groan out in pain” while it should be “My back hits the front door with a thud, and I groan out in pain”
This kind of mistake occurs more than once which is why I included it in the grammar section of the review. As for your vocabulary, there weren’t any actual mistakes, which is fine. Since there was no variety in the words you used, especially when it came to describing certain actions, it made the writing a bit less colorful than it could have been.
taste of story (8)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 0/1
I personally enjoyed the concept behind your story, and your characters are nice because they’re different from the typical basic character creations. The plot you have is different which makes it nice to read. Your flow doesn’t affect how I feel about your story because it has no direct impact on how I feel; however, the lack of different adjectives makes the story lack a bit. If each sentence was a bit more descriptive, the length of your story will improve and the overall scenery of your story would be improved.
total score (71)
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