Bad Love - 95.5
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!BAD LOVE
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » EXO-DUS
STORY status » Completed
chapters reviewed » 30
genres » Mafia, Romance, Angst
description » Byun Baekhyun has loved Park Chanyeol for as long as he can remember. Best friends since middle school, Baekhyun has always known that Chanyeol is it for him. Even as they got older and Chanyeol took over his fathers Mafia, Baekhyun has still always loved him. But Chanyeol is as straight as they come and that fact has never wavered. Though Baekhyun knows realistically Chanyeol will never be his in the way he wants, the Mafia Lords possessive and selfish nature refuses to let Baekhyun go. He doesn’t love him in a ual way, but Byun Baekhyun belongs to him and he will do everything in his power to keep him. Even if it means destroying them both.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself."
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (5)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 2/2
CLARITY » 1/1
The title is simple and eye-catching. Short and succinct titles are usually a winner amongst a list of fanfictions. There is clear relevance to storyline, which is great to see. I caught wind of the dangerous and hopeless romance Baekhyun felt towards Chanyeol early on in the story and enjoyed watching him trying to escape his unrequited desire. Later on, Chaneyol's eventual realisation of his interest in Baekhyun gave the title a refreshed meaning. My guess is that you wanted to hone in on a 'bad' theme throughout the story by depicting Chanyeol's possessive nature of Bakehyun, and I think you've expressed that wonderfully in the labelling of your fic. Well done in this category!
graphics (5)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 2/2
correlation to the story » 2/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
The poster is just superb and I love the complementary story background. The latter is vital in setting a visual reading mood, as the readers would be glimpsing the story background in their peripheral vision whilst going through the chapters. Easy pickouts of Baekhyun and Chanyeol as the main characters as their sizing takes up almost half the poster's space. Both characters play pivotal roles in the fanfiction and they should thus have a rightful place on the poster. Bad Love isn't Bad Love without Baekhyun and Chanyeol. The title could perhaps be made clearer to draw greater attention to it but that's just a very fussy point of mine. Overall vibe of the poster is dark, even the light bits representing some sort of cloud or mist being overshadowed by a gloomy tinge. I find this really fitting to the mysterious and ominous themes which predominantly run through the storyline. All thumbs up here!
description and foreword (10)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 4/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
Presentation of the Description and Foreword I'm completely happy with. The description is an excellent summary of the fanfiction, I had a very good gist of what the plot was going to be mainly centred around on first impression. Blurb isn't unnecessarily lengthy, has an ensnaring impact, and is a suitable introduction to the storyline. Note however, grammatical corrections below:
Even as they got older and Chanyeol took over his fathers Mafia, Baekhyun has still always loved him.
...
Though Baekhyun knows realistically Chanyeol will never be his in the way he wants, the Mafia Lords possessive and selfish nature refuses to let Baekhyun go.
Even as they got older and Chanyeol took over his father's Mafia, Baekhyun has still always loved him.
....
Though Baekhyun knows realistically Chanyeol will never be his in the way he wants, the Mafia Lord's possessive and selfish nature refuses to let Baekhyun go.
Love the quote 'possessiveness has nothing to do with love…' - it's sweetly succinct and has an enticing feel to it. Looking back after reading the chapters, the quote has clear and complete relevance to the plot. I think you have done an excellent job to give it significant meaning across your chapters. Likewise, the Foreword is very neat and consistently aligned to the centre. I find the casting to be very tasteful, it's clear who you wanted where doing what from the start.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
Chapters were consistently structured regarding font, font size and divisions. Some minor slip-ups which I picked out below but they aren't a major concern. As mentioned previously, the dark background graphic adds to the taunting vibe to the read. Great work here.
Chapter 7
Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to even say to all of that. Sorry? Because he wasn’t. Baekhyun’s thirst for Chanyeol’s affection was a sickness, an illness that had penetrated deep into his very core. He was ersely pleased to hear how Chanyeol thought of him, that he loved him – at least in some way – more than he even did Rose. That Chanyeol had been, if possible, in an even worse state than Baekhyun had been in those months in China.
He knew he should be concerned that Rose now knew how messed up the two of them were, but he was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything but the man pressing him into the sofa. When Chanyeol was with him in moments like this, Baekhyun's world, though filled with numerous people, would always be shrouded in darkness, the sole spotlight on Chanyeol. Because there was no Baekhyun without Chanyeol, either.
An extra line of spacing added between above two paragraphs.
Chapter 13
“It’s late and I’ve been travelling for most of the day. You should leave and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Chanyeol spoke, his tone firm.
Enlargened font size which I've emboldened. Same instances below:
Chapter 21
“What about the CCTV?” Baekhyun asked with sudden realisation.
Chapter 23
Baekhyun felt his eyebrow lower. “You kidnapped me to ask this?” She nodded. “Who is it you’re looking for?”
PLOT (29.5)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 10/10
the effect of events » 10/10
development of plot » 9.5/10
I thought the plot was beautifully presented. It's very clear you had meticulously planned the events and knew precisely when you wanted them to occur throughout the storyline. And the execution was simply magnificent. There are a lot of elements that label the storyline as its own, such as Baekhyun's and Chanyeol's different definitions of love, Taeyeon's unexpected friendship with Baekhyun, Rose unmasking as a somewhat manipulative character, and of course, Chanyeol's proprietary possessiveness over Baekhyun. Some good selection of scenes to depict complications within the plot and I found that a lot of them turned out to be twists. To name a few, Baekhyun's huge turnaround in his life with Taeyeon by his side, Rose pulling her pregnancy stunt and killing her angelic facade, and Chanyeol moving from engaging in ual acts with Baekhyun out of sympathy to desire. What I find really amazing is that you managed to pull all of these off with sensibility. Nothing was too far fetched or unrealistic to the point that it was unbelievable.
I'll take a short moment to reflect on what you've made of Chanyeol's character. Actual analysis of what I think about his persona will be provided in the succeeding category. Here, I want to take a snippet of space to say that the concept you've portrayed in relation to Chanyeol's obliviousness to his romantic feelings towards Baekhyun is such a strong message to today's society. If my perception is somewhat correct, I think you wanted to focus less on the possibility that Baekhyun made Chanyeol biual and more on emphasising that Chanyeol loves Baekhyun for who he is, not necessarily what he is (or not, or has or doesn't have). Chanyeol's outright rejection of Baekhyun's love for decades is a very realistic situation that may happen to people in real life - that we know and have confirmed our uality and can't possibly consider challenging it. Chanyeol's realisation that he did love Baekhyun way beyond platonism was very gradual and smoothly paced out. Another element of this storyline that I'm very impressed with. I have a personal opinion on this matter as well which I'll discuss in the last section of the review, but I objectively think this is a really interesting notion that you have explored inside out through Chanyeol's give-and-take relationship with Baekhyun. Without a doubt, this is a defining element to Bad Love's storyline.
Portrayal of Chaneyol's perspective in those two selected chapters was also done nicely. I didn't think them too out of place, given the majority of the fic is narrated by Baekhyun. It gave relieving closure to the readers whilst not unreasonably revealing too much, as you have hinted many developmental changes in Chaneyol earlier on. It also provided a nice change of pace in narration and no doubt you had fun exploring Chanyeol's end. Exceptional work here!
Some loose ends that I don't regard as alarming issues but would still question are the relatively brief storytime allocated to Taeyeon when she revealed who her lover was, and Sehun being paired off with V. Though more prominent with Taeyeon, both characters were pivotal in developing Baekhyun's character and so I thought the respective endings to were brushed off without appropriate elaboration. Again Sehun not so much but I think Taeyeon deserved a little more attention and story space, or if you wanted to keep the truth of where she ended up hidden, perhaps arranging for Baekhyun to wonder about her more since she was his lifeline for some years. I acknowledge that you wanted most of the focus to centre around Baekhyun and Chanyeol's story but a little more closure regarding the two characters who provided support to Baekhyun could have finished things off in the cleanest manner possible.
As a relatively smaller note, I find it a little strange to see that the journey ended on Jongin's thoughts, mainly because he didn't turn out to be a character with a heavy effect on the plot. He played a supporting role to Chanyeol's worklife that saw little change, and when change did happen it didn't drastically affect the storyline. Damage to Chanyeol's reputation were merely side effects. I do perhaps perceive why you let Jongin have the ending lines, my guess being a lead-on to the sequel. I think this would definitely make more sense if Jongin had a bigger role in Baekhyun and Chanyeol's story, or had as many appearances in the plot as Rose or Taeyeon did, for example. Most of the last chapter is based on Chanyeol's perspective though so I wouldn't consider this a main issue, just that Bad Love may have used a strong ending to seal the deal. Completing the story with a bigger oomph has potential to memorise the audience, as you have done with the majority of the read. Otherwise, I think it's very fine to leave the ending as it is.
characterisation (10)
development of characters » 5/5
character influence on the story » 5/5
Put generally, I think you orchestrated the development of your characters endearingly well. Both Chanyeol and Baekhyun as the two major characters experienced mindblowing change, their personalities at the end of the fanfic starkingly contrasting to the people they were at the start of the fic. A variety of occurrences had tested Baekhyun's persona, from meeting Chanyeol to falling in love with him, from finding out about Chanyeol's marriage with Rose to moving to China, from befriending Taeyeon and starting his own store to seeing that same store go down in flames. Aplenty of opportunities for his character to grow whilst also succumb to despair. Through all these hardships, all of which pushed the readers to sympathise and appeal to Baekhyun as the narrator, he was able to learn and foster conclusions about who he was without Chanyeol by his side. Really happy with the way his character was written.
Development of Chanyeol's character was interesting and perhaps more challenging. From the get-go, it's clear that he was sure of who he was in many aspects - who he liked and disliked, who he planned to marry, stability of his work / Mafia positioning, his uality. Given the initial certainty of his character, the presumption is that there is little room for growth. His character proved to have many flaws however, though they were all revealed very subtlely and this is why I think you have presented the storyline so effectively. We saw change according to how Baekhyun acted or reacted to situations, which was an obvious indicator to how obsessed he was with Baekhyun. It was alluring to observe Chaneyol continuing to escalate the boundaries of his relationship with Baekhyun, perhaps without completely realising the boundaries exceeded the average definition of friendship. I'm very happy that you didn't plan for Chanyeol to stay continuously rooted in his beliefs and submit his character personality to stagnancy.
Supporting characters were also written really well. I personally appealed to all the minor characters and felt that you used them to complement Chanyeol and Baekhyun at appropriate sections of the story. None of them overstepped their support purpose and yet, weren't rendered futile. Additionally, character influence on the storyline was strong, a lot of events were dependent on character actions and dialogue. Whatever Chanyeol and Baekhyun were thinking and acted out changed the direction of the plot, which is exactly what we want to see. No issues in this regard.
content description (10)
quantity » 5/5
quality » 5/5
Your talent for content description is really impressive. Frequent use of advanced vocabulary consistently freshens the read and adds excitement to the scenes. There was a lot of focus on the actions of characters to tell the scene, which I thought was quite appropriate given that the whole Mafia context demands threat and violence. Another commendable area is the manner in which you kept revisiting Baekhyun's mental and emotional turmoil whenever he thought about or reacted to Chanyeol. These moments made it clear that Baekhyun was frustatingly attached to Chanyeol and loved him deeply whilst simultaenously attempting to save him from himself.
Just want to pick out this excellent example from Chapter 12 where there is great utilisation of sensory perceptions:
They walked for an hour, occasionally talking but mostly they were silent, simply enjoying the quiet calm that was country life, where the sounds of rush hour traffic, car horns blaring, people talking on mobile phones, busses revving their engines… All of it was absent. It really was a peaceful and for the two of them who had lived in the noisy city all their lives it was almost therapeutic to be surrounded by such quiet. Returning back to the house it was to the smell of his mother once again cooking as she prepared tea and to the sound of his Father’s loud laughing as he joined her in the kitchen, washing vegetables.
Keep up the effort in this regard!
Some menial issues. Though happened very occasionally, there were a few times where the narration became minorly colloquial. Colloquialism is the informal manner which we use to speak to friends or family in real life. Incorporated in dialogue is acceptable however, colloquialism should be avoided when narrating scenes and commenting on situations. Common informal terms include 'actually', 'basically' and 'literally', and sometimes 'really' when used in a slack tone. I didn't find frequent use of too-generalised terms however, this excerpt here I found the tone became a tad too carefree:
Chapter 8
Baekhyun gasped into his mouth then groaned, because really, he was only so strong and this temptation, this feeling… He had been craving it so badly that sometimes it caused his chest to actually ache.
So he kissed him back, Chanyeol’s tongue and literally plundering his mouth as though it was his lifeline. Chanyeol tasted of the wine they had been drinking, fruity and crisp, so delicious that Baekhyun hummed in satisfaction as he at the inside of Chanyeol’s mouth to get a deeper taste, the warm press of their lips making Baekhyun shiver in satisfaction.
I would accept the inclusion of 'because really' as it acts as a purpose of emphasis but the addition of 'actually' and 'literally' makes the reading tone a little sloppy. Take out those words and the scene still plays as normal - Baekhyun's chest aches and he kisses Chanyeol back with ferocity. It may be useful to make another point here that sometimes, unncessary inclusion of words may have an effect on the reading flow or enjoyment. Alternatively, in this particular extract, you can pull out 'because really' and 'literally' and leave 'actually' for the purpose of emphasis. And the same if we were to accept 'literally' (though I mark 'literally' the most informal term out of the three). One-offs are okay and useful to stress particular scenes, thoughts or feelings. Coupled together, the tone becomes colloquial. If it helps, here's what it might look like:
Baekhyun gasped into his mouth then groaned, because really, he was only so strong and this temptation, this feeling… He had been craving it so badly that sometimes it caused his chest to ache.
So he kissed him back, Chanyeol’s tongue and plundering his mouth as though it was his lifeline. Chanyeol tasted of the wine they had been drinking, fruity and crisp, so delicious that Baekhyun hummed in satisfaction as he at the inside of Chanyeol’s mouth to get a deeper taste, the warm press of their lips making Baekhyun shiver in satisfaction.
Baekhyun gasped into his mouth then groaned. He was only so strong and this temptation, this feeling… He had been craving it so badly that sometimes it caused his chest to actually ache.
So he kissed him back, Chanyeol’s tongue and plundering his mouth as though it was his lifeline. Chanyeol tasted of the wine they had been drinking, fruity and crisp, so delicious that Baekhyun hummed in satisfaction as he at the inside of Chanyeol’s mouth to get a deeper taste, the warm press of their lips making Baekhyun shiver in satisfaction.
Baekhyun gasped into his mouth then groaned. He was only so strong and this temptation, this feeling… He had been craving it so badly that sometimes it caused his chest to ache.
So he kissed him back, Chanyeol’s tongue and literally plundering his mouth as though it was his lifeline. Chanyeol tasted of the wine they had been drinking, fruity and crisp, so delicious that Baekhyun hummed in satisfaction as he at the inside of Chanyeol’s mouth to get a deeper taste, the warm press of their lips making Baekhyun shiver in satisfaction.
Next, you have a tendency to write 'were sat on' or 'was stood' a lot. Though not grammatically incorrect, the wording is a bit awkward to me. I haven't marked this category down for it but I think the phrases can be changed so it can read smoother. My issue would be repetitive use of this phrasing when there are other alternatives. In above example, you can replace 'sat on the wall' with 'sitting against the wall'. This introduces a refreshing read rather than keeping 'sat on' or 'sat at' all the time (if you wanted to keep these phrases). Also that specific example I used doesn't really make sense: can you sit on a wall? Maybe it's a topic for debate. Below are extracts where you have used this phrasing or something simliar to it:
Chapter 10
Park Chanyeol was sat at the desk, body slumped forward with his head cradled in his crossed arms, head turned so he was facing him.
As per their usual routine, they were sat on the wall and Baekhyun handed Chanyeol a lunchbox.
Chapter 12:
She was sat watching them eat, occasionally filling their bowls when she wasn’t convinced they were eating enough.
She sat down watching them eat, occasionally filling their bowls when she wasn’t convinced they were eating enough.
Chapter 16:
Rose was stood in the living space, her back to the windows as she regarded him,...
Rose was stood in the living space, her back to the windows as she regarded him,...
This last example is more obvious. See how it's not necessary to include 'was' in between 'Rose' and 'stood'?
Further, as another nit-picky moment in below extract from Chapter 10, I feel like you didn't finish the sentence with 'at the side of'? Or perhaps you can rearrange the wording so it's clearer what you're trying to say.
Baekhyun looked up from his seat on the wall to see two Senior students strolling towards the building they ate their lunch at the side of, sniggering.
Perhaps '... strolling towards the building they ate their lunch next to, sniggering'? Or '... strolling towards the building beside which they ate their lunch, sniggering'
Additionally, some cases of repetition that can impact reading flow and enjoyment. Two examples below from Chapter 10:
Baekhyun groaned, the realisation that what had happened last night had reached the news making him cringe.
Baekhyun groaned, the realisation that what had happened last night had reached the news making him cringe.
Rolling his eyes Baekhyun got up to make himself a glass of water, his wrist protesting as he held the glass. He quickly held the phone to his ear with his shoulder and held the glass instead with his left hand, glancing down at his right wrist with narrowed eyes as it throbbed.
Repetition of 'held'.
Chapter 12
Rubbing his eyes as he woke up, Baekhyun winced at the intense ache in his right wrist which immediately brought back the memories of why it hurt. Immediately his cheeks flamed and he sat up quickly, his eyes scanning the room.
Repitition of 'immediately'. Can be replaced with 'instantly'.
But really, the one he was most pissed off with was himself for putting himself in that situation in the first place.
But really, the one he was most pissed off with was himself for being in that situation in the first place.
Repetition of 'himself'. Omitted 'putting' and substituted with 'being'. See if you like it?
Just wanted to flag this to you for your future writings, it should be fixed and altered within another sweep of edit and it's understandable that composing so much can make it hard to stay vigilant. As mentioned before, you're already doing plenty to keep the readers on edge and engaged!
And finally, excessive use of italicisation. Here is an excerpt from Chapter 12 as well:
“None of that is a standard, though. There’s no set mould for life or rules that say you need to have a house, wife and 2 kids to be successful. Loads of people have that and are miserable. The way I see it is you have a business that is doing well, one that you have established yourself. You aren’t short on money; you’re renting a big apartment in Seoul and you have good friends around you – one who is absolutely amazing, incredibly handsome and who would do anything for you.” Baekhyun let out a snort at this. “To me, that shows you’re pretty successful. If you’re happy then your parents will accept anything because that’s all they really want from you.”
“...Since when were you this profound?”
“ off. I’ve always been like this.” Chanyeol sniffed. “Look Baek, you have to do it eventually; it’ll only keep hurting you the longer you leave it.” Baekhyun knew that, but it still didn’t make it any easier. “Do you want me to be there when you tell them?”
“No!” Baekhyun blurted, before cringing.
Chanyeol chuckled. “Okay. But promise me when you do decide to tell them you’ll let me know.”
Baekhyun agreed he would, though he was secretly planning to not tell him. It was embarrassing enough that Chanyeol had to listen to his parents inquire about his love life, knowing as he did that the one Baekhyun loved the most was him. If his parents knew… He wondered whether his mother and father would treat Chanyeol so well. Could they be nice to someone who brought their son both joy and agony simultaneously?
It's important to be sparing when changing the presentation of your words, like italicising or emboldening terms. Usually, their effect is used to emphasise a particular point. If overused, the emphasis disappears and italicisation becomes the norm. We don't really want this to happen because if it becomes the norm, what's the point of using it at all?
I understand that you enjoy using a lot of emphasis in your style of narration, and it's something I can definitely appreciate and admire, but the above extract is just one example of using italicisation a few too many times. We don't want to negate the impact of utilising italics. It may be hard to realise if it has become a habit but sometimes, putting in that little emphasis isn't necessary for a point to be made. If your characters or actions within the scenes are on a roll, you should be able to maintain the intensity without succumbing to constant italicisation. Again, as it appears that you may be too familiar with italicising words, I can appreciate that it may be hard for you to know when to use it and when to leave the presentation as it is. If you'd like a general guide, my estimate would be keeping to ten to fifteen times within a scene. Of course this varies based on word count. The main thing to keep in mind is to avoid using it excessively, so that when you do use it, it will have that intended impact on the reader. Hopefully this makes sense, I'm happy to clarify further if you need.
All in all, above are several completely minor problems I picked out to improve your writing. I didn't mark you down in the cateogry because I believe the standard is so high that I am able to pick out such menial points. You're free to agree with however many you want to - they are just suggestions about concerns that will likely not surface with an average reader. Just a reviewer's eye I have going on here.
flow (5)
suitability of the flow » 2/2
your control of the pace » 3/3
The flow was handled at a really good pace. For the most part, I didn't feel any particular scene was rushed or dragged on for too long. There were constant happenings within the story that kept the storyline on edge, like Rose's revelation of her pregnancy and the incineration of Baekhyun's store. These twists in the story keep the readers eager and ensnared. We don't know what will happen next! Excellent reminders about the plot being a dangerous front complemented by Baekhyun's innocent love for Chanyeol. Great work here.
I haven't really flagged it as a problem, but I did feel that Baekhyun finding out about Chanyeol's marriage from someone else's mouth at the start of the read to come a little early on. I definitely felt a bit of shock, less of Baekhyun's mortification but more of myself as a reader trying to absorb the narrative. From chapter one, the reader needs to familiarise themselves with the direction of the plot, who their narrator is, who the other major characters are or will be, who the minor character are or will be, the feel of the storyline, themes, motifs, and register what scenes they are reading into in those moments. The first few chapters should ideally be introductory. Therefore I felt that Baekhyun finding out about Chanyeol's marriage and experiencing such overwhelming emotions may have been too early of a call. I regard this more as a personal opinion though, not entirely one that's objective and maybe your other readers thought and felt differently. Looking back after reaching the end of your story, I've almost forgotten about that scene altogether because so much has happened since. Not a major issue and just what I initially felt, having not fully accustomed myself to the read yet. Some food for thought?
grammar (7.5)
punctuation » 1.5/4
spelling » 2/2
vocabulary » 2/2
tense collisions » 2/2
Generally I'm really happy with the quality of your grammar. It looks like you are taking good caution when editing your chapters, so I'm quite impressed. However, there are occasional mistakes littered throughout the chapters, some examples which I've extracted and corrected below. I may have gone a little too crazy in this regard. Other mistakes are mere typographical errors which I'm sure another edit sweep would fix. Please note that below extracts aren't all the mistakes I came across.
The recurring issues I've flagged as major are the tag-verb collision and missing apostrophes for pronouns. Firstly, the tag-verb collision. When you end a character's dialogue with the way they spoke, e.g, 'said', 'screamed', 'whispered', you should end the dialogue with a comma ( , ) and use lower case after the dialogue to continue the sentence. Contrastly, when you end a character's dialogue with an action follow-up, such as 'he sat down across the table' or 'she glared at him before answering the phone', you should end the dialogue with a period ( . ) and then start a new sentence as you usually do. Examples across your chapters provided below, please let me know if this punctuation technique doesn't make sense. Secondly, there are a lot of pronouns that are missing the possessive apostrophe. Common ones are 'fathers', 'anyones', and 'friends', where they should be corrected to 'father's', 'anyone's', and 'friend's'.
Lastly, one thing I noticed that may be useful to you is that I found more grammatical errors in the last third of Bad Love compared to the first twenty chapters. Again, those mistakes are easy pick-ups with another edit. Maybe you were rushing out the last batch of chapters?
Chapter 8
Chanyeol shrugged. “I knew he wasn’t right for you, I said that before. It you’re upset and ordinarily I’d be preparing to go break anyones face for doing that to you, but I won’t lie and pretend I’m not happy it’s happened. Because I am.”
Chanyeol shrugged. “I knew he wasn’t right for you, I said that before. It you’re upset and ordinarily I’d be preparing to go break anyone's face for doing that to you, but I won’t lie and pretend I’m not happy it’s happened. Because I am.”
Baekhyun blinked up at Chanyeol, surprised to see genuine anger in his friends expression. He was seriously pissed.
“Wha… What did I say?” Baekhyun backtracked, trying to remember what he might have said which caused Chanyeol’s reaction.
“You said I wasn’t special to you.” Chanyeol grit out.
“Why… Why does it matter?” He asked, curious how his joking could have pissed off Chanyeol so much. Chanyeol’s eyes darkened and he bent down, burying his face against Baekhyun’s neck and actually inhaled.
“It matters.” Chanyeol said. “Because you’re mine. I want to be special to you.”
Baekhyun blinked up at Chanyeol, surprised to see genuine anger in his friend's expression. He was seriously pissed.
“Wha… What did I say?” Baekhyun backtracked, trying to remember what he might have said which caused Chanyeol’s reaction.
“You said I wasn’t special to you,” Chanyeol gritted out.
“Why… Why does it matter?” he asked, curious how his joking could have pissed off Chanyeol so much. Chanyeol’s eyes darkened and he bent down, burying his face against Baekhyun’s neck and actually inhaled.
[I feel using 'actually' makes the writing a little sloppy. Leaving it out still gets the point across and cancels out potential colloquialism.]
“It matters,” Chanyeol said. “Because you’re mine. I want to be special to you.”
“I dunno. It just feels nice to me, comfortable.” Chanyeol said, seemingly genuinely confused.
“I dunno. It just feels nice to me, comfortable,” Chanyeol said, seeming genuinely confused.
Because he’d finally had something to compare too and he knew, without a doubt, kissing anyone but Chanyeol would never ever be enough for him.
“No.” Baekhyun said quietly. It wasn’t fine…
“Well I want to.” Chanyeol suddenly declared, and once again brought their lips together.
Because he’d finally had something to compare to and he knew, without a doubt, kissing anyone but Chanyeol would never ever be enough for him.
“No,” Baekhyun said quietly. It wasn’t fine…
“Well I want to,” Chanyeol suddenly declared, and once again brought their lips together.
Also note here frequent use of italicisation.
And goddamit if that wasn’t the painful truth.
And goddamnit if that wasn’t the painful truth.
Chapter 9
He and Chanyeol were sat at the window, though the placement had their back to the glass which annoyed them both, though for very different reasons.
He and Chanyeol were sat at the window, though the placement had their backs to the glass which annoyed them both, and for very different reasons.
He was a fashion designer, sure he was Chanyeol’s best friend but he was in no way way apart of their world despite Chanyeol often bringing him along to their meetings.
He was a fashion designer, sure he was Chanyeol’s best friend but he was in no way way apart of their world despite Chanyeol often bringing him along to their meetings.
He had no idea why he’d agreed to come to this at all, other than because Rose has asked him so damn sweetly that he’d felt a Bastard for saying no.
He had no idea why he’d agreed to come to this at all, other than because Rose has asked him so damn sweetly that he’d felt like a bastard for saying no.
Chapter 10
But he was warm and comfortable laying on Chanyeol’s chest, his friends arms around him securely.
But he was warm and comfortable laying on Chanyeol’s chest, his friend's arms around him securely.
Despite watching an action movie together, Baekhyun found himself drifting into sleep as the medication kicked in, driftin in such a light daze that he heard when Chanyeol’s phone rang.
Despite watching an action movie together, Baekhyun found himself drifting into sleep as the medication kicked in, drifting in such a light daze that he heard when Chanyeol’s phone rang.
I would also add here that the last third of the sentence doesn't gel too well and suggest this edit:
Despite watching an action movie together, Baekhyun found himself drifting into sleep as the medication kicked in, jolting awake when Chanyeol’s phone rang.
“Ha ha very funny. I’ll have you know Im a black belt in Hapkido!”
“Ha ha very funny. I’ll have you know I'm a black belt in Hapkido!”
Baekhyun’s focus’s left his Math homework as that name was uttered by one of his classmates.
Baekhyun’s focus left his Math homework as that name was uttered by one of his classmates.
Turning he gasped as he got a good look at his friends face, completely black and blue and swollen.
Turning he gasped as he got a good look at his friend's face, completely black and blue and swollen.
He’d witnessed a girls flirtatiously touch his arm and Chanyeol had always shrugged them off, even going as far as to glare at students who accidentally bumped him.
He’d witnessed a girl's flirtatiously touch his arm and Chanyeol had always shrugged them off, even going as far as to glare at students who accidentally bumped him.
That nights sleepover turned into another, then another as Chanyeol began to visit Baekhyun’s house almost every night, always sneaking out before Baekhyun even woke.
That night's sleepover turned into another, then another as Chanyeol began to visit Baekhyun’s house almost every night, always sneaking out before Baekhyun even woke.
Now his pity turned to outrange that his Father could do something like this.
“… I’m sorry.” He spoke at last, unsure what to say.
Now his pity turned to outrage that his father could do something like this.
“… I’m sorry,” he spoke at last, unsure what to say.
“This feels nice.” Chanyeol whispered tiredly.
“This feels nice,” Chanyeol whispered tiredly.
“Can’t believe the transfer student actually wanted to be friends with that loser.” The other declared.
“Can’t believe the transfer student actually wanted to be friends with that loser,” the other declared.
Chapter 12
“Where’s dad?” Baekhyun asked to change the topic, peaking around her into their home.
“You know your dad; he’s out playing cards!” His mum huffed. But her tone was still light. “Do you not have a hug for me?” She asked Chanyeol.
“Where’s dad?” Baekhyun asked to change the topic, peeking around her into their home.
“You know your dad; he’s out playing cards!” his mum huffed. But her tone was still light. “Do you not have a hug for me?” she asked Chanyeol.
“Well, come on in, don’t linger out here!” She said, ushering them both inside. “I’ll made some tea and cook you both something to eat. Really, is there no good food in the city anymore? Why are you both so skinny?”
“Well, come on in, don’t linger out here!” she said, ushering them both inside. “I’ll make some tea and cook you both something to eat. Really, is there no good food in the city anymore? Why are you both so skinny?”
Those that didn’t recognise him stared and him and Chanyeol, since they stood out like a sore thumb here wearing their ‘city clothes’. But Baekhyun didn’t mind – he was just happy to be back and Chanyeol didn’t ever seem phased by others opinions.
“Thank you for bringing me here.” Baekhyun said softly after they had walked for a while.
Those that didn’t have recognition stared at him and Chanyeol, since they stood out like a sore thumb here wearing their ‘city clothes’. But Baekhyun didn’t mind – he was just happy to be back and Chanyeol didn’t ever seem phased by others' opinions.
“Thank you for bringing me here,” Baekhyun said softly after they had walked for a while.
Chanyeol clearly loved the praise, as though his ego needed inflating anymore.
Chanyeol clearly loved the praise, as though his ego needed inflating any more.
Here, 'anymore' has a slight difference to 'any more'. Chanyeol's ego doesn't need inflation anymore vs. Chanyeol's ego doesn't need to inflate any more. Difference is that the inclusion of a praise to emphasises your point so it's clear that his ego doesn't need any more recognition. Alternatively, you can state his ego doesn't need recognition anymore without the inclusion of a compliment.
Chapter 15
I’m your finance, you should want to stay with me!
I’m your fiancé, you should want to stay with me!
Tearing off the second mans gag and blindfold, he allowed him to get an eyeful of his friends beaten face.
Tearing off the second man's gag and blindfold, he allowed him to get an eyeful of his friend's beaten face.
The mans tortured screams filled the air.
The man's tortured screams filled the air.
The atmosphere turned tense at the coldness in their Leaders expression, which when in contrast with his calm demeanour was making them nervous.
The atmosphere turned tense at the coldness in their leader's expression, which when in contrast with his calm demeanour was making them nervous.
Despite the sordidness of the trade business, the right hall of the basement had been completely renovated to create dorm-like rooms for the clubs best girls, comfortable quarters that they could live in rent free in exchange for them bringing in the most money.
Despite the sordidness of the trade business, the right hall of the basement had been completely renovated to create dorm-like rooms for the club's best girls, comfortable quarters that they could live in rent free in exchange for them bringing in the most money.
They all recognised him as Park Chanyeol of LOEY and knew he him only to be a V.I.P client of their Bosses, though he had never been any of their customer.
They all recognised him as Park Chanyeol of LOEY and knew he him only to be a V.I.P client of their Bosses, though he had never been any of their customer.
Chapter 16
Resting his palm over his heart, he listened to the frantic beat begin to to slow to a regular rhythem and his body slowly began to relax once again.
Resting his palm over his heart, he listened to the frantic beat begin to to slow to a regular rhythm and his body slowly began to relax once again.
He didn’t like that, because he couldn’t gage her expression, her soft voice giving little away.
He didn’t like that, because he couldn’t gauge her expression, her soft voice giving little away.
She was gaging his reaction, that now bitter twist to her lips making everything that much worse, because this wasn’t the Rose that he knew.
She was gauging his reaction, that now bitter twist to her lips making everything that much worse, because this wasn’t the Rose that he knew.
His heart was telling him he absolutely right, but his mind... His mind was filled with doubts.
His heart was telling him he was absolutely right, but his mind... His mind was filled with doubts.
Chapter 17
“Have you spoke to him at all?”
“Have you spoken to him at all?”
“What Rose did was y and I hate her for how she did it. But you were both bad as each other and I kind of understand why she did it.” Taeyeon confessed.
“What Rose did was y and I hate her for how she did it. But you were both bad as each other and I kind of understand why she did it,” Taeyeon confessed.
For the first edit, sometimes words get unncessarily capitalised and I'm not sure why. Other examples I've seen are 'Human' and 'Father'.
Chanyeol glared at Baekhyun, his lips pressed into a tight line, though behind that anger it Baekhyun could detect his confusion.
Chanyeol glared at Baekhyun, his lips pressed into a tight line, though behind that anger it Baekhyun could detect his confusion.
Chapter 18
He felt nothing but hatred towards Chanyeol’s Father for abusing him, but he was beginning to hate his Mother too for the type of abuse she was doing.
He felt nothing but hatred towards Chanyeol’s father for abusing him, but he was beginning to hate his mother too for the type of abuse she was doing.
For future reference, a grammatically correct way to use 'Father' and 'Mother' is if you negate the pronoun 'his'. In effect, we are naming our mother as 'Mother' and our father as 'Father'.
Chapter 19
She watched him wistfully a moment before signing, dropping her act of seduction. “I’m seriously losing it.”
She watched him wistfully a moment before sighing, dropping her act of seduction. “I’m seriously losing it.”
“I’ve worked around their type all my life and that’s the only two reasons it can be.
“I’ve worked around their type all my life and those the only two reasons it can be.
“I barely hid these with my shirt.” Baekhyun protested.
"I could barely hide these with my shirt, Baekhyun protested.
I would suggest that last edit for clearer purposes if you meant that Baekhyun had struggled to hide his hickeys. If you didn't mean that, the sentence is fine to be left as it is.
Hopefully all these corrections make sense. If you need further clarifcation about anything, feel free to let me know.
taste of story (8.5)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 4.5/5
influence of flow and grammar » 3/4
length of your story » 1/1
Overall, I found the read to be very captivating and authentically enjoyable. As a personal preference, I'm not a fan of homoual pairings though I still found majority of the scenes to be tasteful. Particularly with this composition, I loved the dynamic of each character. It was very obvious to me that you had planned each major one down to their DNA, from Chanyeol to Taeyeon to Sehun, and even minor characters like V. Baekhyun's character was easy to fall in love with; he basically had me from the start. His submissive personality conflicted a little with myself as a reader, as it's easier for a reader to absorb the narrator's shoes if they have similar personality traits or if the character is simply captivating. But I completely roll with all of Baekhyun's intentions, every decision he made I would have definitely chosen in his shoes.
On the other hand, I wasn't sure whether I would grow to like Chanyeol as he came across as quite clearly a strong, direct, dangerous, stubborn, things-must-go-my-way kind of love interest. But he always upheld a mysterious and confusing soft spot for Baekhyun which came off initially intriguing, and eventually won me over. As just mentioned, I don't enjoy reading about homoual pairings but Bad Love was such an unreal experience for me (which I mean in a good way). The fact that Chanyeol was so adamant about himself being straight made me so intrigued to see how his relations with Baekhyun would turn out. I thought there was no way Chanyeol would end up with Baekhyun romantically, because he's 100% straight, right? His possessiveness over Baekhyun made some sense when things started to get ually (??) heated between the two. And then somewhere along the way I realised Chanyeol sought after Baekhyun for who he is, not what gender he is, and that just made so much more sense to me. Entertaining even more, knowing that Chanyeol always gets what he wants and is usually always in the right. I can't imagine how to cope realising that the beliefs I've known about myself for all my life may not be entirely true. This is perhaps what I enjoyed most about Bad Love. I didn't appeal to the scenes at all and I hope you understand haha, that's where I can't give that extra 0.5 point but you shouldn't take this to heart. Just a personal preference!
As discussed above already, I didn't feel the flow of the story was rushed at all and I love how you kept the intensity of the story a constant high. Really impressed with this work and I hope you are super proud of yourself, as I'm sure you already are. Congratulations on all the high scores to this review, I rarely give out near-full marks!
On an ending note, my apologies the review took so long to complete. I hope you made it this far, I wasn't expecting to make this review so lengthy. As you may have noticed from my inputs above, there weren't many issues I could pick out and in some categories I had to be super neat-picky. All for the road to perfection; it's too good enough as it is. I hope you can still find some tips helpful. All in all, I think you've done an exceptional job with Bad Love and I'm quite convinced to start introducing myself to Jongin and Kyungsoo's story! Best of luck with that and your future writings :)
total score (95.5)
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