Bloody Flower
LUST reviews >> archive > main shop accepting requests!bloody flower
reviewed by exoexoexolellel
the request.
AUTHOR » BangingDae
STORY status » Ongoing
chapters reviewed » 45
genres » Action/Romance
description » Female vampire becomes a bodyguard for SKZ to avoid punishment for killing someone.
" No matter how people may belittle me, it can't be worse than me belittling myself. "
" I've gained more strength and I've learned what it means to never give up. "
title (2)
appeal » 2/2
correlation » 0/2
CLARITY » 0/1
On first impression, the title is intriguing and kept simple, which can be a major pull-in for readers. Both 'bloody' and 'flower' hold tempting value, encouraging curious readers to click into the fic to learn more about why this story is labelled as it is. However, at this point in the story, I don't see any correlation or clarity to the title - why is it named 'Bloody Flower'? In one perspective it can be concerning seeing as we are 45 chapters into the story, but if you intend to drag it out a little longer, then it's not as alarming in this view, and especially as your chapters are relatively short. Revealing the reason how the title came about at the end of the story is perfectly fine too - just don't completely neglect this. Establishing the link between the title and storyline can imprint an effective impression on the readers, and encourage them to remember the story by its name. You'll find for the majority of the review that I can only award marks based on what the current 45 chapters consist of. So while I can give full marks for the appeal component in this category, I can't give any more points regarding correlation and clarity.
graphics (3)
APPEAL OF THE poster » 1/2
correlation to the story » 1/2
suitability of the vibe from the graphics » 1/1
There's a lot happening in the poster, providing an abundance of features for the audience to look at. It's good to see Yejin being the clearest image of the graphic, with her image enlargened and imposing in the foreground. She has a massive role in the fanfic with all the other characters flitting around her, so she definitely deserves most of the attention in the poster. The title, however, should definitely be made out clearer. It blends in too much with Yejin's image and is probably one of the last features the readers lay their eyes on. We want the title to be the first component the viewer sees. It should be blaringly clear to the viewers and leave no doubt that this graphic belongs to this story. I recommend changing the colour of the title to red or white so it comes out super clear to the readers. Red would also suit the vibe and 'bloody' theme your fic touches on. The main point is to be mindful that the title needs to attract the first attention of the readers, as the title is the label readers keep in mind when they think back on stories that leave a mark on them. We want to portray that visually too so we shouldn't throw away the opportunity when we are able to include graphics on this platform.
I'm going to question the inclusion of the male idols at this point in the story, being 45 chapters in. You have insinuated and shown some romantic thoughts, feelings and flings between these characters and Yejin, but I don't think enough attention was given to the romantic element in the story to warrant a place in the poster. This is mainly due a lack of content description, which I will explain in more detail later in this review, but I will say here I hold a high expectation to see only the most important components in the story image. Any character that doesn't hold important value to the storyline, in my opinion, doesn't have a place in this poster. Perhaps you will supply more attention to these three characters later in the fic though, in which case it would be fine to feature them. Let me know if you need further clarification.
On another note, I think there are ways for the poster to bring out the supernatural theme. Your story is highly dependent on unrealistic concepts, being vampires and shapeshifters. I think you should incorporate that visually in the Description and Foreword, so the readers know exactly what to expect. At the moment, the poster is plain and mild, seeming as if it's introducing a tame storyline. Hopefully this makes sense? It'd be great if you can touch up a little on the poster, as I think you made it yourself, but if you want to go through a graphic shop, let them know you're after a supernatural effect and you may be highly pleased with the result.
Everything else appears relevant. The background image of red roses is extremely relevant to the title so thumbs up there. The bold red colour comes out starkly to the readers in the peripheral vision and provides a foreboding effect, which I think is highly suitable to the vibe of the story. Despite the strong colour, it's quite simple with the repeated pattern of the roses, so there's not much to distract the viewer's eye. No complaints with the background image.
description and foreword (7)
APPEAL of the description » 4/4
appropriateness of the description » 1/4
organisation of description and foreword » 2/2
The Description provides for a short and succinct introduction to the story, sufficient for preliminary purposes. It sets the context of the story and lets the readers know exactly what they'll be getting into, in terms of Yejin's background. However, seeing as the majority of the story is related to what happens after, I would suggesting adding a paragraph teasing what's to come for Yejin, for the reader's benefit. After reading your current chapters, I return to the Description and I'm not sure if it's the perfect summary of the story. I recognise this paragraph as the starter for Yejin's story, but it all seems a bit irrelevant considering how much Yejin has experienced since then.
The Foreword appropriately showcases Yejin's badass side, which never fails to come out prominently in the story, so it's a great introduction to our narrator. Similar to the Description however, the Foreword is solely focused on Yejin's past, which we don't spend much time on at all during the storyline itself. Looking back, it doesn't hold much significance. So here, I would recommend adding in a chapter or two to solidify the link between Yejin's past and future, which would actually explain why she is the person she is today (more on this in Characterisation). As another option, I would recommend changing the Foreword to a sneak peek of what your chapters actually hold.
story layout (5)
consistency of font, font size and divisions » 3/3
overall appeal and organisation of chapters » 2/2
The layout of your chapters are quite neat with consistent use of font style and font size. I didn't find many slip ups which makes me quite happy to see. The only thing I would bring up is considering joining several of your current chapters so that there aren't so many chapters. Currently, each chapter is a new scene. Usually authors would divide chapters accordingly to different scenes by using spatial divsions. So you could, for example, reduce your current count at 45 to 20 or so chapters. Sometimes it's daunting to visit a story and see so many chapters lined up. It makes sense with Bloody Flower though as your chapters are super short, so it's really up to you at this point. Something to think about.
PLOT (15)
APPEAL OF the base storyline » 3/10
the effect of events » 6/10
development of plot » 6/10
Generally, I think you have a lot of interesting elements established in your plot which can be made more prominent and impressionable on the readers with additional content description. This part will be elaborated on in the next category. There are aplenty story events to keep the plot running and the readers engaged, so it's great to see incorporation of a variety of components to keep the read intriguing. The presentation of the plot however, is a big letdown and I'll explain the major issues below. It's important to ease the readers into the story with one, adequate content description, and two, appropriate and relevant background to the storyline and characters. These ensure your readers are absorbing elements of your fic in a timely and seamless manner, and this is particularly vital as Bloody Flower features a variety of elements and scenes. The overall effect is that it becomes all tossed together in bits and pieces. Lack of explanation in the moment and in the past makes the plot really confusing to follow and understand, plus the number of different events (again, I stress the lack of story description) makes it difficult for the readers to differentiate which are the more important occurrences and which ones are fillers. I run through below some of the components which heavily impact the current presentation of the plot, and I make some recommendations for improvement. It's totally up to you though whether you want to make any changes to your story.
To start off with, there are way too many characters used in the story. All eight members of StrayKids, our main narrator Yejin, Yeoun, Rika, Kade, Stefan, Elizabeth. The readers will lose track of who's important and who's merely a side character. There is also a huge lack of thorough introduction with each character. Each new name flits by as a quick mention or is used repeatedly if they turn out to be more than a background character. However, the readers don't get much as to who they really are, what they look like, and how they differ from another side character. We need these details for two main reasons. Firstly, we should be able to distinguish each main character that holds any value to the story. You can't assume the readers would know who's who and who's doing what during scenes just by saying their names. This is more prominent for original characters, like Rika, Stefan and Elizabeth. These characters are completely foreign to us, so we need more substance in order to appropriately define their presence in scenes and visualise what they're doing in the fic. And then you may get readers like myself, who don't really know Stray Kids. I don't have any idea who you're talking about when you list their names. You need to give me imagery. What does each character look like? Are there any appearance or personality traits, or both, which differentiate your characters, e.g., Rika from Yeoun from Kade? It's absolutely important to make differentiations for the readers - they are different characters in authors' heads, but if you don't provide the necessary explanations or descriptions, the readers aren't on the same page as the author. Hence, confusion between the various characters. I recommend going back and locating each point where you introduce a new character, the boyband group included, and ensuring each person is given enough attention regarding their appearance, personality and influence on the story. Think about how these characters are coming across to Yejin, our main narrator. What is her first impression of these new characters? Or if it's a long-standing relation like Stefan's role, what has happened between the two, how does Yejin view them now, were they always conflicting with one another or were they actually friends before? Secondly, proper introduction of the characters through visual description allows the readers to empathise for them or latch on to certain details which make the characters endearing. For example, someone's smile, another's caring nature, a peculiar habit. More on this in Content Description and Characterisation.
Another issue is lack of explanation with the supernatural theme of your story. It's very fine to engage all sorts of mythical legends being vampires and shapeshifters, but you can't assume your readers will know the background and foundation of these components until you explain it in the story. As you may know, each supernatural story has its own legends - Twilight's foundation uses different superstitions to Vampire Diaries. When using supernatural components, it's really important to tell the readers how you have created the world as it is. Again, mere mention is not enough. For example, where you bring up Yejin's realisation about killing a 'king' vampire won't assasinate every other vampire this 'king' has 'created' can come across very abrupt and confusing to the readers. You hadn't mentioned this superstition before, so where is this coming from? Is this a simple passing thought and not something Yejin has been thinking about for a while? Does it hold little importance so that it doesn't deserve more attention than a quick sentence about it? This goes the same for any new or reused supernatural idea. Another example is when you had Jeongin shapeshift. This also come across very abruptly. Where did that come from? To fix this reaction, you should give it more description. Describe how Jeongin was shifting - the readers are seeing this for the first time so we need guidance as to how this playing out in our heads - and what Jeongin looks like after he shifted. Maybe throw in a couple of sentences about how this makes Yeoun feel about Jeongin. Did she feel the same or did she feel different? The bottom line is that more description and explanation should be given to the supernatural component of your story (albeit not the only component that needs more description). Without it, the readers are left guessing as to how it all looks like and what the history is, and I can guarantee everyone is stringing along a different interpretation. We don't want that. We want readers to look back on Bloody Flower and think 'ah, I know exactly what that storyline was about'. A final example is when Yejin revealed her supernatural nature to the boyband and they simply accepted it. How can all eight boys accept this out-of-world concept without question? Were they not completely freaked out, panicked or even confused? And with this, are all eight idols sharing the same thoughts and feelings? This happens throughout the whole story where most or all of them have the same mind and voice. It's like they're one entity. Is this realistic? This is another risk with using so many characters, as the big question is can you narrate each to be their own individual? Back to Yejin revealing her supernatural nature, I found the boyband's unquestioned acceptance highly unbelievable. What would help is again, more content description. We need to keep every element realistic as possible, with particular attention to fantasy or supernatural components. These don't belong to our natural world, so we need to explain everything from the start and to the detail. Otherwise, the readers will have an extremely difficult time following along. Hopefully this makes sense? Let me know if you need further clarification or examples.
Each event you introduce does drive the story along, which is something we want to see, but I have yet to see the significance of most events. It seems as if you're wanting these occurrences to happen for the sake of happening, instead of contributing much value to the overall storyline. What is the main plot in this fanfic and which events are the major ones we should be focusing on? It started out with Yejin agreeing to bodyguard this boyband (not to mention her convoluted past, which we still don't know much of), meeting the boyband, then we familiarise with supernatural elements other than Yejin's vampiric nature, the whole ordeal with Felix needing to turn, the fights with Elizabeth, and so on. It becomes too much. Which components are the primary drivers of Bloody Flower? I don't recommend pitching all of them at equal value. This is because more story events or elements to the fic or both reduce the significance of each aspect. Think of it as all of these scenes and components to the storyline adding up to 100. If you have 10 different aspects, they contribute 10 parts to the story. If you have 20, each element would only contribute 5 parts, and so on. Similar to the amount of characters, t is generally better to have a few components shining through in a storyline which the readers can relate to or empathise with.
As a very short side note, Chapter 33 and 34 seem to be the same chapter. Most likely a mistake?
Overall, improving on content description in terms of present scenes and characters, as well as history to the characters and plot will boost the presentation of the storyline. In an objective perspective, the current presentation showcases a variety of components that have a lot of potential to be engaging to the readers so that they are invested in the fic. However, the steps to reach that point need to be filled out. Let me know if there's anything else you want me to address or want further clarification on anything.
characterisation (4.5)
development of characters » 1/5
character influence on the story » 3.5/5
As mentioned above, you have numerous of characters featured in the story, all at somewhat equal value with the exception of Yejin. I would recommend reducing the number or picking out the more prominent ones and giving them a lot more attention than the others. This would allow more basis for the readers to single out particular characters and empathise or root for them, effectively creating reader engagement. At the moment, there is little focus on 10+ characters. Without necessary elaboration, they all fade away as side characters. Yeoun seems a little more promising with a bigger role than the other characters, however, his contribution to the fic still feels quite minor as he seems to consistently play a supporting role to Yejin. Perhaps you mean for him to be a side character available for assistance when Yejin needs it?
Regarding Yejin, she appears to have an extremely strong, confident and unabashed personality which likely appeals to many readers. These are showcased prominently across story events, where a good portion of plot movement is decided by her actions. However. we are yet to see productive character development in Yejin. We want our characters to be different people at the end of the story than who they were at the start of the fic. In between, we should be able to glimpse subtle or obvious change in our major characters that would justify character development. To have characters stay stagnant can cause a decline in reader interest, and doesn't make sense. Each scene should have some impact on major and even side characters. People change as they absorb occurrences which happen to them, and change further upon reflection. What did this scene mean for the characters? How do our characters react and respond to story events - does this constitute change in their beings? Currently, I can see small movements in Yejin's apparent resolve when she starts realising she is attracted to a few of the Stray Kids members, but this hasn't been taken any further. As for the rest of the story, many intense scenes have appeared and Yejin has responded to each one in the same way - headstrong, fearlessly and violently. I'm also getting an impression that she can do no wrong. Her actions seem to always be the best one possible and the narration doesn't offer any better alternatives. Unless this can be explained in the story, it's not very realistic nor believable. Even vampires are prone to mistakes, aren't they? Making wrong or less ideal choices creates opportunities for character growth, as these are chances to learn from mistakes and reflect on life.
As mentioned previously as well, I would like to see more of Yejin's past come into play, as this is alluded in the Foreword and briefly hinted in some chapters. Yejin seems to hold a dark or at least intriguing past, much of which makes her the person she is today. So I would be eager to read up on her history unless there is a specific reason you're refraining from revealing her past.
content description (3)
quantity » 2/5
quality » 1/5
This area needs a lot of work. As discussed in plot, there is a huge absence of description surrounding each character (and again, there are a lot more characters than the average amount for a story) as well as story settings. We need these details to set the scenes in our head. Standard description about how scenes are played out is also required and absent from your writing. I've pulled out extracts below as examples and made edits to show what I mean.
As a major issue in this section, one habit I noticed about your writing is that you use a lot of short sentences. When used appropriately, it can be an extremely effective writing technique which boosts reader enjoyment. To use short sentences appropriately, authors have to be very sparing with them in a way where it contrasts with other sentences, which are generally longer. If you look back on your chapters, you'll notice that the majority of your paragraphs consist only of short sentences. This is not ideal as it creates a rushed reading pace of the story in a visual way. To illustrate what I mean, think of reading a full stop ( , ) as a stop in breath. If you are using a full stop every couple of words, the readers are inhaling many times in a short period. So, for example. If I were to use. A lot of full stops. In my sentences then you'd be taking. A lot of mental breaks. In this one sentence. Personally, the effect to me is that you've written down these sentences as a story plan and then didn't take the further step in actually writing out these sentences, instead, leaving them as it is. We want to weave in some longer sentences to break that staccato flow. You'll find that you can easily replace many full stops with commas, joining two or three separate sentences into one. I do this a lot throughout the review.
Here are some examples with suggested corrections:
Ch 9
Yejin tosses a nearby rock at Yeoun. He dodges it. The sound of broken glass making them all duck. Yeoun smiles at Yejin. The two start betting on who the window belongs to. Yeoun thinks rich white girl car. Yejin middle-class housewife. Rika thinks a pimp. Kade doesn't join in this time. Yejin accepts the money hearing the shouting and children crying.
Yejin tosses a nearby rock at Yeoun but he dodges it. The sound of broken glass makes them all duck. Yeoun smiles at Yejin and the two start betting on who the window belongs to. Yeoun thinks rich white girl car whereas Yejin middle-class housewife. Rika thinks a pimp, Kade doesn't join in this time. Yejin accepts the money hearing the shouts and cries from children.
Note that some of your sentences can't stand alone, for example, 'The sound of broken glass making them all duck.'
CH 26:
Yejin does her best to avoid the gun taking care to keep the gunfire away from Felix. If she could draw her away then maybe the others could get to Felix. He was the only thing that matters. Elizabeth aims the gun at her face, a quick shot to head. Yejin falls to her knees. Blood pours from the hole in her head as Elizabeth turns back to Felix. Jeongin grabs Hyunjin and Felix's hands as he does his best to try to focus on the hospital. Warping short distances is no problem so maybe a larger distance wouldn't be either. Felix tries hard to squeeze Jeongin's hand. Blood pools around Felix as Elizabeth steps closer gun raised, a smirk growing on her face.
[...]
A clink is heard. Yejin had healed just enough for the bullet to leave her head. She still lay crumpled. Elizabeth walks over to her standing over Yejin with her gun raised. Hyunjin calls out in a panic, nearly breaking Jeongin's focus. He squeezes Felix and Hyunjin's hand. Elizabeth makes Yejin look up at her.
Note: How does Elizabeth 'make' Yejin look up at her? More description. Show us what you mean instead of simply telling us. How is this scene playing out?
[...]
Elizabeth holds the gun level with Yejin's heart. Hyunjin desperately tries to break free to get to her. The last thing the group hears before Jeongin manages to get them to warp is Elizabeth using racial slurs and the hammer of the gun click. The three appear outside a hospital. Hyunjin frozen by the thought of what happened to Yejin. Jeongin screaming to draw someone ever to help save Felix.
Note here that the hospital could do with some quick description. You could also give some imagery about how threatening Elizabeth looks, maybe tell us what racial slurs she's using, what does Hyunjin look like when he's frozen still, what does Jeongin look like whilst he's freaking out.
A final example from CH 32:
Yejin didn't know when Hyunjin got there but she welcomed him. He was one of the ones Felix said to go to for lessons. Hyunjin or Minho. She tries her best to dance with him. Her making him laugh. Yejin wanted to storm off but he keeps her there. He tries once more to show her some moves to help her. Hyunjin had to admit that this made things a bit more bearable. Even if she couldn't dance for anything.
Yejin didn't know when Hyunjin got there but she welcomed him. Felix said she could rely on Hyunjin and Minho for lessons. She tries her best to dance with him, making him laugh. Yejin wanted to storm off but he keeps her there, trying once more to show her some moves to help her. Hyunjin had to admit that this made things a bit more bearable, even if she couldn't dance for anything.
A final note that this extract is written all in past tense but the other extracts are in present tense. More on this in Grammar.
flow (1.5)
suitability of the flow » 0/2
your control of the pace » 1.5/3
A good majority of scenes in the story were rushed. This has a lot to do with a lack of content description, but in general, I can see an intention to gloss over a lot of details and push out the scenes. The extracts above are a good example of scenes running super quickly with little time for the reader to absorb what's going on. I understand you have a lot planned in store for the storyline to keep the read interesting, but on the receiving end, it comes out as a jumble. It's hard to focus on what're the more prominent aspects of Bloody Flower. We also aren't given enough time to completely absorb what's happening. One thing happens with a flick of the wrist and then five more scenes appear in the blink of an eye. Zero or little opportunity to absorb the scenes negatively affect reading enjoyment. Again, more content description would go a long way in improving the pace of the story but I would still recommend considering which parts of the storyline are absolutely necessary and contribute a significant value, so you can maybe cut out the parts that don't hold much importance. Quality over quantity. I think I can speak objectively when I say that enjoyment of a read would be boosted if there was qualititative description instead of 100 different things happening.
To draw out further examples, the part where Yejin comes on to Chan by teasing him in CH 22 - where did that come from? I don't think you hinted her attraction to him in earlier chapters, so why is she suddenly acting so inappropriately with him? It's fine to have this happen but not supplying early hints or description to ease the readers in makes it challenging to digest these new scenes. It makes us question a lot of things - had Yejin always kept an eye out on him (if so, why was this not revealed to the readers earlier on, seeing as we have been reading the story in Yejin's perspective 99% of the time), did something strange overcome Yejin, why is she wanting to take advantage of Chan out of nowhere when she seems to have a good grasp of what's decent conduct and what's not. Again, more content description is highly necessary as otherwise, the flow of these scenes become very bumpy and unjustified.
Moreover, there are a number of scenes which are told in an extremely rushed manner. This primarily relates to needing more content description as discussed above, but I think you need to be aware of the fact that the readers don't know what you are picturing out in your head until you give us every detail. You shouldn't assume a whole event can happen in the span of a few sentences. Every reader will have a different interpretation without appropriate guidance. Take this extract from CH 27:
Jeongin stabs Felix in the chest with the syringe. A nearby nurse only catching him once he gets the last drop in him. He grabs the syringe running. The other six quick to help him escape. The group standing outside the hospital. The seven message Yeoun and Yejin letting her know that they'd used the syringe. Yeoun only sends one letter K while Yejin shows she's typing but she never seems to send her message.
And at the end of this chapter:
Jeongin warps hoping to avoid them stopping him. He runs along the street keeping an eye out for Yeoun or Yejin. The latter is thrown into him. He tried to course correct to avoid injury. He lands on his holding Yejin.
"What the... Yeoun brought you didnt he? I told him not to!" A car flies over their heads. Yejin turns around, "Buy some designer eyes . Can't see for !"
A sign is swung. Yejin has to shove Jeongin to be able to dodge fully.
"Quite giving her weapons !"
"I was trying to chop that weave off!"
Elizabeth roars trying to aim for Yeoun. Yejin uses this chance to try to get rid of Jeongin. He doesn't seem too eager to leave yet. Yejin holds up one finger to Jeongin as soon as she hears yet another slur fall from Elizabeth's face hole. She charges in stabbing a knife directly into Elizabeth's right eye. Yejin tumbles off Elizabeth. The white vampire of the west freaking out about her eye.
"Wyn no more pissing off y like her... I forgot how ing annoying it is to have your enemy heal as fast as you if not faster..."
"Just more things to stab!"
"Slit so we have a solid few minutes of silence."
It's like this scene is a fan and the fan is turned up to the highest setting possible. What's the rush? And for such an important and intense event, the narration really shouldn't rushed. Slow it down. Explain with more detail what's happening. Throw in more facial expressions of the characters to express how they're feeling in the moment, describe how things are happening, like 'a sign is swung' and Yejing tumbling off Elizabeth. Again, I get that story board feeling where this is your story draft and you haven't taken that extra step to writing out the scenes.
grammar (4.5)
punctuation » 1.5/4
spelling » 1/2
vocabulary » 1/2
tense collisions » 1/2
There are quite a few grammatical mistakes littered throughout your chapters. Generally, a few edits should be able to fix them entirely once you're across the corrections, but if you're not comfortable I recommend looking into a beta-reader or a friend who can help out with the amendments. The biggest issue is the tag-verb collision. If you end a character's dialogue with 'said', 'commented', 'shouted', 'cried', etc, you should use a comma ( , ) before the ending quotation mark ( " ). However, if you end a dialogue with a character's action, you should use a period ( . ) before the ending quotation mark. Examples will be found below.
As discussed before, there are also some slip ups with sticking to present tense in your narration. Occasionally there will be some paragraphs narrated in past tense. It is important to stick to the same tense for consistency purposes and so readers don't get confused, particularly ones with a keen eye to grammar like myself. Some examples are extracted and corrected below. Please let me know if you need more explanation.
Finally, I encourage use of more advanced vocabulary rather than using the same words over and over again. New vocabulary keeps the read fresh and the readers engaged. A simple way of finding new words to use in your narrative is to google synonyms of a particular word. For example, you use the word 'squeeze' a lot in your chapters - you can substitute this term with 'compress', 'pinch', 'grasp', 'encompass', etc. We are aiming to keep the readers ensnared in your fic, so we want to present our chapters in a way that makes the readers come back for more. Different and sophisticated vocabulary can assist with that.
CH 24
Yejin knee that would mean nothing to do but also Elizabeth would have better shot at finding them with them staying in one place.
Yejin knows that would mean nothing to do but also Elizabeth would have better shot at finding them with them staying in one place.
"We were talking to you. You didnt answer."
"We were talking to you. You didn't answer."
Her question to the stars unanswered.
Her question to the stars went unanswered.
CH 26
Jeongin ran over to where Yejin's bike lay. Felix had bullet holes in his chest. One looked to be near where Jeongin remembered the lungs to be. He tried to apply pressure but the way Felix groans makes him stop.
Jeongin runs over to where Yejin's bike lay. Felix has bullet holes in his chest. One looks to be near where Jeongin remembered the lungs to be. He tries to apply pressure but the way Felix groans makes him stop.
Inconsistent use of present and past tense. The majority of your story uses present tense, so unless you're referring to an event of the past, like the first paragraph of this chapter where Yejin decides to take Felix on a joyide, everything should be narrated in the present tense. Hopefully this makes sense. If not, please let me know.
Felix tries hard to sweeuze Jeongin's hand.
Felix tries hard to squeeze Jeongin's hand.
I noticed several misspellings of 'squeeze' throughout your chapters. There's definitely a 'q' there when we pronounce the word, and the 'u' after it makes it sound like we are using 'w', but we're not. After saying 'qu' we finish off with 'eeze'.
He sqeeuzes Felix and Hyunjin's hand.
He squeezes Felix and Hyunjin's hand.
Jeongin screaming to draw someone ever to help save Felix.
Jeongin screams to draw someone over to help save Felix.
CH 28
Chan and Hyunjin stayed behind to watch over Felix. They knew they shouldn't be in this section of the hospital but they couldn't let Felix get hurt before he finished changing.
Chan and Hyunjin stays behind to watch over Felix. They know they shouldn't be in this section of the hospital but they can't let Felix get hurt before he finishes changing.
Tense collision.
A bloody roughly lands on the ground.
I'm actually not sure what you're trying to say here. A blood droplet?
"...she's dead. She's finally dead."
"...She's dead. She's finally dead."
Hyunjin smelled the fire before he remembered Yeoun's words.
Hyunjin smells the fire before he remembers Yeoun's words.
"Shut up and hug back or I sqeeuze."
"Shut up and hug back or I squeeze."
Yeoun forwns, "What if you leave scars? His job is his looks too."
Yeoun frowns. "What if you leave scars? His job is his looks too."
CH 31
Felix didn't seem in the mood to go out once he knee the others were coming.
Felix doesn't seem in the mood to go out once he knows the others were coming.
"Wait but that lady is dead. Yeoun hung said she wouldn't have issue if that lady died."
"Wait but that lady is dead. Yeoun hung said she wouldn't have issues if that lady died."
Jeongin perks up, "Will you be okay? ...can you handle being without her?"
Jeongin perks up. "Will you be okay? ...Can you handle being without her?"
CH 32
Yejin fakes shock, "You're so mean. How can someone so young be so rude?"
Yejin fakes shock. "You're so mean. How can someone so young be so rude?"
taste of story (3)
personal enjoyment of plot and characters » 1/5
influence of flow and grammar » 1/4
length of your story » 1/1
Naturally, I'm very invested in supernatural storylines, so I was quite excited to start reading Bloody Flower. I also highly appealed to Yejin's strong confidence as our main narrator at the start of the fic and was eager to see what you had in store for her. However, there are a lot of letdowns for me, many of the issues explained above, which heavily affected my reading experience. The biggest ones are the rushed scenes, lack of content description, frequent grammar mistakes, and how unrealistic Yeji and the plot eventually appeared to me. It was hard to relate to any of your characters, and I'm still curious about Yejin's past as a result of the allusions and hints. I hope I explained all my thoughts clearly above so do let me know if you need further clarification. None of this is meant to dishearten you though, so I hope you're not discouraged. Writing is always a challenge and I commend you on your motivation to improve. You don't have to adopt any of my suggestions above at all if you don't want to. Otherwise, if you're still unsure with anything, I recommend grabbing some opinions from friends and seeing what they think too. All the very best with the rest of Bloody Rose and any other writings you have in store!
total score (48.5)
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